there is So much i want to do! but gess who made progress?!

last night as i lay on my back in my undergarments, propped up by my elbows, i saw something i wish i hadnt. my flubbery ass bulges past the sides of my hips. it nearly engulfs them. it is so jello-y and large that i couldnt tell where my thighs ended and my backside began until i sat up O.o to me, that is not natural, that is not a bit beautiful, that is not a girlish figure. its horrible and not something that should be there! i expect to see a bit of my ass when i lay in that position, but never would i have expected it that much! i had to keep looking to be sure i wasnt overweight again. every time i pictured myself i swore when i peaked id be as i was at 14.


i have never admitted how overweight i was then, but i suppose as long as i never go back EVER, it doesnt matter. (i forbid myself and vow never to pass 107lbs. 100 is bad enough, 99 is ok i suppose. seeing the numbers 100 + on a scale i step onto is one of my biggest triggers and fears; along with excessive use of butter/oil, feeling over full and seeing/noticing my fat) ...i was almost 40lbs overweight T.T when i sat on the toilet my thighs went overside the seat rim, i had rolls in the rolls in my tummy, not one section of my thighs had any space space between them what-so-ever (ill elaborate on that in a bit). i bet if i tried to have sex at that age, whoever was gross enough to fuck that nasty body couldnt get their dick past my thighs to get to where it needs to go! i bet they'd end up using my thighs as a hole instead haha! my face was chubby as hell, i had a double chin, i had braces and though i loved and miss them, they did not help my appearance...i looked horrible! i know 40lbs overweight is not nearly as far gone as some and you may think i am making a big deal of a little thing; but i hated myself more than any other period in my life and that emotion is real enough. i absolutely abhorred my image. no pictures ever unless i was forced. i only have but a handful of pictures that included me in my teens. my appearance was poor because i had no enthusiasm; why make yourself nice if no matter what you wear you are ugly? and on rare occasions i tried to do myself up, id look in the mirror and never be good enough. any pictures taken of me, i hated and cringed to look at. people who say i must have been a cute kid are out of their mind. unless fat kids are your thing, then you wouldnt want to know. at 14 my doctor looked at me in that parenting way as if to say "honey, you need to take responsibility"and suggested i exercise and eat healthy. it was the first time i had heard of the 5-6 meal a day lifestyle change. though i abused it gradually with ana for 7yrs, it is not a starvation/anorexic diet as some think, but a healthy lifestyle change that everyone should really consider whether they are trying to lose weight or not. at 17 she noticed i lost 28lbs in a short amount of time and inquired if i was anorexic or bulimic. now what child would admit to that? though i didnt know i was at the time. halfway into my 19th year was when i first discovered that throwing up and not eating is not normal. before then i didnt think anything, it was just my normal routine.......sorry, i rambled ^^'


anyway i said id elaborate on the thighs. 7yrs ago, the whole length of my thighs touched from my crotch down to my knees, but i got that to go away to where it only touches at the very top and you would only know if im in my undergarments/bikini. i have gained 10lbs in the last month and my thighs were touching more than just at the top. that grossed me out. so, a plus side to last night, when i was laying down: i got more of my gap back!!! :D a couple weeks ago, no matter if i laid down on my back with my knees bent, my thighs would still touch. now they dont! :D i can pass a finger through without it touching at all! now if i can pass 3 fingers side by side then that will give me the gap i want when i stand up! yay! its working! im toning my thighs slowly but surely. that made up for my horrendous ass :P its getting toned gradually as well though.


i want to do SO many things! every night i lay there next to boyfriend and think of all of it. im so excited for the day they happen that it takes me a while to sleep some nights :3 i want to get a sewing machine and sew me clothes, i want to make a vegetable garden with bricks or a wood box, i want to have a flower garden, i want to crochet so many things, i want to learn to knit, i want to build things, i want to buy things, i want to get charcoal and draw (its my best medium), i want paints, i want to learn to draw better, i want to take ceramics and photography, i want to take a yoga class and a dance class perhaps ballet, and lastly, the most hypocritic: i want to model. that is the least of the rest but its something im casually interested in.


the reason i say "hypocritic" is that i hate my figure. does someone who hates their figure want photos taken of them? no haha not usually. ive pondered on that for some time now and i realized it last night. i am at a weight which it is possible to use clothing as an illusion. like i said, unless you saw me in my panties you wouldnt see my thighs touch and unless i lifted my shirt you wouldnt know ive tummy fat because i wear over-sized clothing ^__^

oook, so this post was ALL over the place! i hope you can make sense of it ^//^ im tired and my mind is just everywhere. ill try for more organized rambling next time haha.