sooo YOUR the one responsible for it being so hard to eat!

HA! i WAS right! and i was just taking a gess! i have said that it is as if the food industries are trying to pack the most calories they can into foods they produce and what do you know? here it is!

"The Truth About Your Weight Gain"

"How did we all get so darn fat?

Well, the simple answer is that we eat more calories. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that American men eat 7 percent more calories than they did in 1971; American women eat a whopping 18 percent more—an additional 335 calories a day! But the harder question is this: Why do we eat so many more calories? Are we suddenly more gluttonous? Do we have some kind of collective death wish? Is the entire country hellbent on qualifying for the next season of Biggest Loser? [haha i laughed when i read this ^.^]

No. There’s an even crazier reason: It’s the food!

We’ve added extra calories to traditional foods, often in cheap, mass-produced vehicles like high fructose corn syrup. These new freak foods are designed not by chefs, but by lab technicians packing every morsel with maximum calories at minimum cost—with little or no regard to dietary impact. Indeed, Eat This, Not That! 2011 has uncovered the truth about some of your favorite fast food and grocery store items and how they're causing you to pack on unnecessary pounds. It’s enough to kill your appetite, which—in these cases, anyway—would be a good thing." ...click the article title to read more about which foods to stay away from...oh gosh the beef patties are as DISGUSTING as what comes out the back of a dog after it has eaten too much human food! i knew there was a reason i didnt favor it -__-

so i was right! haha i just wanted to do the i-told-you-so-thing even if i wasnt really telling anybody, i was merely gessing a reason to why america is becoming so obese and it turned out to be true!

i am super duper excited! boyfriend is taking me on a date to the art museum! :D i looked at a few photos and read up on it and i really think i will love it! and it is free so that is a good plus hehe. if i had a job i wouldnt feel so bad :P gosh i need one! anyway, i really want to see their "wedded perfection" exhibit! :D it showcases wedding gowns from the 1800s. oooh i best charge my camera and empty it out completely! goodness knows i am going to be shooting away! i just hope the lighting is well enough for my camera to take quality photos -///- even on ISO it is quite blurry :P but i have to say i am pleased with its overall performance.

oh! that reminds me! i may be visiting vancouver once more this upcoming summer, i am extra excited for that as well! we took so many photos on that trip! it is such an inspiring place, dripping with an artistic ora at every turn!

oh i cannot wait! i am excited for so much as of late =) for our museum date (though...i think i may enjoy it more than he ^//^), for my possible trip to vancouver which i hope to have a job and save up by then, for next semester of uni that i plan on attending no matter my procrastinative fears, and i may also recieve a new phone. mine is a plain phone. that does not bother me but it is so very slow now and freezes and sometimes does not alert me to calls and messages. boyfriend got a my touch for christmas so i will get his new phone if t-mobile will replace it for me. it is faulty and is said to have a few problems; many other owners have brought it in for an exchange. i am hoping to get a new one in a different color if they will let me change that. if not i am fine with just a good phone.

goodness...haha i rambled again didnt i? ^///^

christmas time! late post, it already came and went XD

hey everyone merry late christmas! :P wow its been. SO. long! O.o i cannot believe how long ive been gone, almost a month! gosh, i gess thats what happens when you just have nothing to say anymore hehe.

i went to gamestop yesterday with boyfriend and i loved the people in there! so many colors and styles and haircuts haha. there were quite a bit of emo teens there which i have to say i am quite fond of them haha! no matter how much people tease them, i happen to adore them loads! ^__^ people should really stop viewing them badly, i think its amazing to be strong and be a certain way even while knowing how people view it. i wish i could pull off the hair! i can do fei zhu liu/ulzzang hair but i dont think emo hair is really my look. ill stick to the more japanese/korean/chinese cuts. i noticed and found it odd that of all places to find an abundance of skinny/thin people that it was a game shop haha. and it wasnt only the emo style teens, it was your everyday person as well. usually one could assume to find bigger people at a game shop rather than anywhere else just for the fact that gamers are often taken to be the sort of people who sit on their asses all day gaming and eating XD but not today ^.^ (ha, and i talk about labels, look at me using labels :P i gess it just happens sometimes though i use them in a non-mean way as compared to some) i wished i could have taken photos of them but the store was so small and so packed that it would have been obvious :/ curses!


i can now say that i am strong enough to knock over boyfriend! XD well, in a very painful way of going about it anyway :P i walked into the dam door! i was walking in, while on the other side of the door, boyfriend was walking out. i must open doors with force or something because i knocked him over HAHA! XD it hurt so bad, i couldnt see out of my eye for a bit. my glasses pushed into my eye and made me involuntarily cry hehe. im surprised i do not have a black eye! thought i do have a light colored line-shaped bruise on the side of my eye.


christmas was an amazing success! my favorite part of christmas is the buying and searching for things to make people i love smile and watching them open it =) 2 months ago i bought a doggie candy cane squeak toy and have been sleeping with it every night. i wanted my smell to be on it so my christmas present, at home in hawaii, could smell me. (my dog chibi. i call her christmas present because i got her for christmas 12yrs ago). she loves to open presents on christmas but my mom said she stopped playing :( i hope she still wants to open it because she smells me...my mom is going to take a video of her for me =)

i got boyfriend an awesome pair of sexy skate shoes heeheee and he is so cute! he got me a necklace with a skeleton key and heart inscribed with our names. i love him dearly and deeply with all my heart! i had made him a christmas eve video for him. since i keep lovey dovey thing between us when no one else is around, i thought id make him a video to post on youtube...in front of the big big wide world, to show him that i am not ashamed ^//^ heeheee it makes me blush to know i made it and people are seeing it, but he loved it and im glad! i didnt tell him i made it. i just posted it from youtube onto his facebook wall and waited till he found it. well, he woke before me and found it and watched it and then came to wake me up with a big hug and the biggest cutest smiling face ive ever seen on him! heehee! ^.^ i love him so! i will show you the video but im going to take it down after a few days. i did not talk because well...i defo do not sound like a 21yr old girl, i sound more as if i am 12 haha! :P you girls have not seen me so...here i am ^//^

[video has been removed]

there is So much i want to do! but gess who made progress?!

last night as i lay on my back in my undergarments, propped up by my elbows, i saw something i wish i hadnt. my flubbery ass bulges past the sides of my hips. it nearly engulfs them. it is so jello-y and large that i couldnt tell where my thighs ended and my backside began until i sat up O.o to me, that is not natural, that is not a bit beautiful, that is not a girlish figure. its horrible and not something that should be there! i expect to see a bit of my ass when i lay in that position, but never would i have expected it that much! i had to keep looking to be sure i wasnt overweight again. every time i pictured myself i swore when i peaked id be as i was at 14.


i have never admitted how overweight i was then, but i suppose as long as i never go back EVER, it doesnt matter. (i forbid myself and vow never to pass 107lbs. 100 is bad enough, 99 is ok i suppose. seeing the numbers 100 + on a scale i step onto is one of my biggest triggers and fears; along with excessive use of butter/oil, feeling over full and seeing/noticing my fat) ...i was almost 40lbs overweight T.T when i sat on the toilet my thighs went overside the seat rim, i had rolls in the rolls in my tummy, not one section of my thighs had any space space between them what-so-ever (ill elaborate on that in a bit). i bet if i tried to have sex at that age, whoever was gross enough to fuck that nasty body couldnt get their dick past my thighs to get to where it needs to go! i bet they'd end up using my thighs as a hole instead haha! my face was chubby as hell, i had a double chin, i had braces and though i loved and miss them, they did not help my appearance...i looked horrible! i know 40lbs overweight is not nearly as far gone as some and you may think i am making a big deal of a little thing; but i hated myself more than any other period in my life and that emotion is real enough. i absolutely abhorred my image. no pictures ever unless i was forced. i only have but a handful of pictures that included me in my teens. my appearance was poor because i had no enthusiasm; why make yourself nice if no matter what you wear you are ugly? and on rare occasions i tried to do myself up, id look in the mirror and never be good enough. any pictures taken of me, i hated and cringed to look at. people who say i must have been a cute kid are out of their mind. unless fat kids are your thing, then you wouldnt want to know. at 14 my doctor looked at me in that parenting way as if to say "honey, you need to take responsibility"and suggested i exercise and eat healthy. it was the first time i had heard of the 5-6 meal a day lifestyle change. though i abused it gradually with ana for 7yrs, it is not a starvation/anorexic diet as some think, but a healthy lifestyle change that everyone should really consider whether they are trying to lose weight or not. at 17 she noticed i lost 28lbs in a short amount of time and inquired if i was anorexic or bulimic. now what child would admit to that? though i didnt know i was at the time. halfway into my 19th year was when i first discovered that throwing up and not eating is not normal. before then i didnt think anything, it was just my normal routine.......sorry, i rambled ^^'


anyway i said id elaborate on the thighs. 7yrs ago, the whole length of my thighs touched from my crotch down to my knees, but i got that to go away to where it only touches at the very top and you would only know if im in my undergarments/bikini. i have gained 10lbs in the last month and my thighs were touching more than just at the top. that grossed me out. so, a plus side to last night, when i was laying down: i got more of my gap back!!! :D a couple weeks ago, no matter if i laid down on my back with my knees bent, my thighs would still touch. now they dont! :D i can pass a finger through without it touching at all! now if i can pass 3 fingers side by side then that will give me the gap i want when i stand up! yay! its working! im toning my thighs slowly but surely. that made up for my horrendous ass :P its getting toned gradually as well though.


i want to do SO many things! every night i lay there next to boyfriend and think of all of it. im so excited for the day they happen that it takes me a while to sleep some nights :3 i want to get a sewing machine and sew me clothes, i want to make a vegetable garden with bricks or a wood box, i want to have a flower garden, i want to crochet so many things, i want to learn to knit, i want to build things, i want to buy things, i want to get charcoal and draw (its my best medium), i want paints, i want to learn to draw better, i want to take ceramics and photography, i want to take a yoga class and a dance class perhaps ballet, and lastly, the most hypocritic: i want to model. that is the least of the rest but its something im casually interested in.


the reason i say "hypocritic" is that i hate my figure. does someone who hates their figure want photos taken of them? no haha not usually. ive pondered on that for some time now and i realized it last night. i am at a weight which it is possible to use clothing as an illusion. like i said, unless you saw me in my panties you wouldnt see my thighs touch and unless i lifted my shirt you wouldnt know ive tummy fat because i wear over-sized clothing ^__^

oook, so this post was ALL over the place! i hope you can make sense of it ^//^ im tired and my mind is just everywhere. ill try for more organized rambling next time haha.

thin and body-loathing, or fat and body-loving?

gosh that picture is amazing! i didnt notice the doe standing in the background and the one laying behind her until the moment i put it in my post ^__^ she just looks so magical and...well, something i cant put into words. this is an amazing photo. whoever made it did a wonderful job.

ive been looking around the LB forums and ive noticed that 90% of the time, the girls who say they are fat and have a bad figure are skinny or thin and the girls who say they are thin and glad to be shaped like a twig are on the chubbier side with thick thighs and a backside on the larger side. interesting really. it kind of makes you think you have to be chubby to have confidence O.o hahaaa no thanks! XD id rather spend my life hating my body and actually being skinny than being the girl who thinks she looks good. i mean, nothing wrong with some self confidence and loving your body but thats just not how i want to be.

i saw the co-star from the new thriller, black swan, on jimmy kimmel tonight. she said she lost 20lbs for the movie. she said she exercised loads, did alot of ballerina training and ate fist-sized meals 5x a day. she said she was always hungry??? i dont get that. if you eat every 2-3hrs, once your tummy adjusts, your never hungry cuz your tummy never gets a chance to be empty, so how in the world was she hungry all the time??? when i actually get myself to eat that way without feeling like a pig for looking like i eat all the time (not to mention eating when my tummy doesnt growl for food makes me feel like a gluten). eating fist-sized meals is something doctors are trying to get more people to do on a daily basis as a lifestyle change because it is much healthier than eating 3x the amount 3x a day. its bad for digestion and metabolism. also, if you ask me, she looked gorgeous in the movie! i have no idea what would posses her to go back O.o

i went to the grocery today! i got a bag of romaine lettuce hearts, baby carrots, a cucumber, 3 gala apples, a cup of plain yogurt, tuna, almonds, lite italian dressing (surprisingly kind on the calories!), and some popcorn :P i like my sweets, it kettle corn ^^ so i had salad for dinner tonight! yay! man it feels good to eat right! it makes all the difference because i feel good about myself today, almost wonderful in fact =) though ive been slacking on the exercise, only been doing my routine once a day, but im glad i havent stopped.

have you considered adding one of the most healthiest foods out there, into your diet?

my body:

cons: (the things i dont like in case i got it wrong) - [9]
flabby arms
tummy pooch (i can pinch and inch...and a half -.-)
big thighs that touch at the top
calves jiggle
stretch marks
big yellowish buck teeth
dont like my lips really (but i dont care too much about that)
need to work on skin care
my hair

pros: - [7]
i gess im...pretty? ok, im going to say i look cute, that i can sort of admit/agree with :3 sort of
i can pull off the japan look
i like my eyes
i have long feminine fingers
long legs
despite my self consciousness about my hips, i like that they are big (gives me curves haha)
my hair

(my hair is in both pros and cons cuz i half like it and half dont :P hopefully i can love it after i get something done with it...its QUITE unruly on a daily basis!)

my self/personality:

cons: - [9]
shy
timid
door mat
nervous
weak
scared
unfocused
feeling guilty without being guilty
feeling that im wrong without being wrong

pros: -[7]
unique
cute (ya ya dont mock me ^.^)
haha im japanese!
i speak japanese well
determined
strong
focused

(huh...what'd ya know. i didnt even pre-count my pros and cons for my body or my personality and yet its the same amount for both lists, 9 cons and 7 pros.)

im SUPER excited abeout this meal plan! i feel a little wrong to admit this, but my mouth waters every time i think of it ;P i love steamed veggies! i also really miss tofu and fish! it was a weekly thing, as well as:

daifuku mochi (in english...rice patty, rice ball, rice...dessert???)

it just tastes good but i dont recommend to eat it too much, it is a dessert after all and contains quite a bit of sugar!

gohan (rice)

good source of vitamin B1

stabilizes blood sugar levels, provides fast energy, improves skin and blood pressure

helps prevent against dysentery, alzheimers, and heart diseases

its cholesterol free and doesnt have any bad fats or sodium

improves bowel movement

some doctors say it has certain fibers that protect against cancer cells

mixing powdered rice with water and applying it to the skin can reverse some skin blemishes

maccha/matcha (green tea)

they say drinking 4-6 cups of green tea a day prevents cancer

it slows/prevents cancer in colon, other areas of the digestive tract, breast, prostate, lungs, skin and liver

fights against rheumatoid arthritis, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease,

impaired immune function, tooth decay and infection

EGCG is an anti-oxidant found in green tea which kills cancer cells without harming healthy tissue

drinking green tea helps you burn more calories throughout the day as opposed to other caffeines

shoyu (soy sauce)

i dont recommend too much of this either, high sodium...ahhh but its my weakness! XD

tamago (eggs)

good for your eyes and may prevent cataracts

one egg has 6g protein and all essential amino acids

may prevent against heart attacks, blood clots, breast cancer and strokes

it is a good source of choline which helps to regulate the nervous system, brain and cardiovascular system

edamame (soy beans)

excellent for skin!

low calorie protein

improves heart health and bone health

nori (seaweed)
2 sheets a nori a day:enough to provide you with the daily required amount of vitamin A.vitamins B1 and B2 equal to 2oz of pork.double the amount of vitamin C if you were to eat 2 tangerines instead.the same amount of iron as drinking 2.5c milk.

konbu (seaweed prepared a different way)

katsuo fumi furikake (ummm is it called rice seasoning in english???)


oh and nametake!!! (enoki mushrooms)

contains vitamin B1, B2, and E

low in calories but contains a good amount of protein and carbohydrates

helps brain development, high cholesterol, and those with hypertension

prevents arteriosclerosis and increases sugar and fat metabolism which helps weight loss!

i want to start eating tiny meals more frequently again. i was doing that for a long time until i moved when i went down to one meal a day. its healthy, good for metabolism and for digestion. im really looking forward to this. it will really improve my self image i think, i feel better about myself just thinking about it. i will be healthier which is a big thing for me! im tired of eating things that are bad for me. i want to live a long healthy life =) when i can, im planning on eating tofu and veggies daily and definitely katsuo fumi furikake and namitake!!!

i also want to try natto! (fermented soy beans)it is a staple japan food and, most often than not, it is eaten daily. its very healthy for you! =) its rumored to prevent cancer, alzheimers, obesity, dysentery, osteoporosis, blood clots, high cholesterol, heart attacks, strokes, and reverse hair loss. as i mentioned, those are just rumors/theories being researched; but it does in fact, reduce aging (like wrinkles and deterioration of health and eyesight), improve digestion, and it has vitamin K2, B2 and PQQ. B2 and PQQ are a vitamins that keep your skin looking young and healthy =) so of course im excited to try it! the only reason i havent is because people say the smell is too strong for them to eat it. but im willing to try! =)

thanksgiving dinner? ahhh why not? :3

im late but happy thanksgiving girls! :3 i know its a hard time for all of you and i hope you survived ok without too much panic. im happy to say that this is the very first enjoyable holiday meal that ive had and you know what? i smiled through it! ^__^ i ate without over eating. though i admit i ate a tad bit more even after i was full, but i didnt feel a bit guilty for it! i didnt panic at the thought of what was in my food, how many calories there were, how many pounds i was gaining as i ate, or how gross id feel after i ate. in fact i didnt even feel any of the normal side effects eating has on me.

ive made a new, simple, meal plan for myself. one i can defo follow! its in the sidebar in place of the modified ABC. i gess im not that far yet cuz i still screw up :P since ive returned from vancouver, the only meal plan ive been following is trying to stay away from greasy/oily foods and not over eating/being sure i stop as soon as im full. ive been making sure to drink water during my meals and have been staying attentive to how close to full i get. i allow myself to be full but i stop as soon as i realize it. its been working pretty well! my calories are usually between 700-900. im finding that to be the hardest to go against without feeling horrible. its a huge OCD for me as well as for most of you. that and cooking with butter/oil/salt. thats partially from the way my family cooks i think cuz my mom does it too...i had no idea how many things can be inherited. i recently found out that i posses a characteristic of my father that ive never even witnessed! O.o (as a child he always apologized to his mother for being sick when he was. he felt he was inconveniencing her. obviously i wouldnt know about it seeing as i wasnt born ^__^ but i do the same. i apologize to anyone who is taking care of me, for being sick.) anyway, i wanna eat mostly veggies for my lunches. that will be more and more possible when i eventually have money coming in. i think it sounds awesome to have a light but substantial breakfast, a salad and some fruit for lunch and fish or tofu and steamed veggies for dinner! i hardly eat red meat as it is so im good in that area but i dont think i really like chicken anymore either O.o never thought id say that honestly XD i thought that would be my only flaw to becoming full pesco. im growing tired of chicken, oh well, cant hurt right?!

EDIT: ...wanna know a reason why i prefer fish to any other meat? like i said, red meat stinks to me unless its cooked a certain style, i cant eat too much of it without grossing out. but the main reason why i cringe at the thought of eating real, un-processed red meat or fowl is because it reminds me of muscle. the way it strings when you tear it apart...if you look at a human muscle anatomy chart, our muscles look to me like they'd come apart stringy when you eat it the way chicken does and beef does when its tender (like roast). if i dont remember/picture that while im eating, im ok. but once i think about it its ruined. kinda turns my stomach and then it starts smelling bad like rotting flesh... O.o

ive been doing core exercises for the past week and a half and my abs are starting to show! AND ive got small girl-biceps now yay! :3 i am happy. all i want is less flab, less loose skin, less jiggles, a tight flat tummy, and a 1" space between my upper thighs! is that too much to ask? haha it really is if im not doing any cardio XD so for that, shame on me. ive got the muscles under there hiding, i just need to burn the fat covering them is all. i still have a tummy pooch but its not as bad as it was. ive also been stretching daily and am proud to say that when i go to touch my toes, i can now touch the length of my fingers flat on the floor!!! im working on getting my palms to lay flat and being able to do splits...O.o gosh, that will be a bit...

i FINALLY got hand sanitizer in key chain size! :D ive been looking everywhere and of corse when i want it, no one carries it anymore :P i was So happy when boyfriend came home with it for me the other day. i pulled off the ugly brand stickers and drew a cute face on it XD i was about ready to buy a regular small hand-sani and crochet a holder for it haha! now i wont have to gross out the whole time after someone touches me. now its like: "wanna shake my hand??? ummm...--i got hand sani!--...ok i gess if you gotta." haha! instead of "oooh shit...i have to meet people...that means shaking hands...nasty! what did you touch?! im dirty, im dirty, im dirty, imddirtyimdirtyimdirty! gotta wash gottawashgottawashgottawash! ewww the dirt is moving up my arm!" at least its not as bad as it was. id yell at my mom and brother for touching me and run straight to the bathroom! and for people i didnt know, id just stare at their hand instead of shanking it.

i made my first sale in my new business and so far i have 3 other customers! one girl wants a little turtle costume for her puppy! so cute! right now, since im starting out, if they have any ideas on what they want me to make, i just see if i can figure a way to make it if i can. that way i dont have to turn down any customers i may get unless i havent the skill to do what they ask. i need all the money i can get! ive got people to buy presents for! ^__^ that is the funnest part of Christmas, buying things for others.

also, new profile pic, new photos, and new music in the side bar! :3 i am in love with every song on that playlist ^__^ lemme know what you think!

hmmm things get curiouser and curiouser...

sooo...we went to blockbuster to get call of duty for boyfriend. i was going to look around for new releases to watch tonight but i didnt feel like taking up time so instead i headed over to the art section while he paid (art sec in blockbuster?? haha). i saw they had awesome photos of Marilyn Monroe and american mcgee's alice printed onto framed wood, when i noticed my reflection. the pillar next to the art had full length mirrors on all four sides. i wondered why since its not like they were selling or ever sold clothing or sunglasses or hats. i made sure no one was around first before i stood in front of it. i couldnt stop from trying to analyze my body, i wanted to save myself the humiliation of someone seeing a vain girl stare intently at herself in front of the mirror...the odd thing was what i saw...i saw a girl who met my expectations all exept my thighs were still a bit on the larger side but its tolerable. it caused me to stare even more so. it baffled me and i still dont understand it. i swear im chubby but now i dont know. i could not believe i saw a girl who wasnt fat or chubby. my pants were baggy and so was my shirt and my face wasnt chubby beside its normal japanese girl chipmunk cheeks. i actually looked presentable....acceptable. im not sure if it was because today was an easy day, if its because i havent been eating until im full so i feel better about myself, if it was because my clothes just dont fit so its an illusion, if it was the mirror tricking me (im thinking it was that but who knows), or if im somehow...getting better?? im sure a bad day is about to hit any day now because they always do and its not over yet, but this was defo a nice change! =)

in other news me and boyfriend took a walk in the woods again today :3 it was nice out! it was fun but also for a sad reason. his dog, buster, is very old and we needed to pick a spot to bury him. i think we picked a nice one that will make buster happy. he has a nice stream in view and beautiful trees, vines and odd roots ive never seen. we also found a spot to picnin...(ive typed that word 6x and it still comes out with an "n" at the end rather than a "c" -__- so im leaving it that way) its going to be out little spot in the woods :D

also, my favorite music:
its a bit on the older side but still good!



and im in LOVE with this song! i love her lolita outfit, i wanna get married in a dress just like it!!! even when i was younger i never thought wedding dresses were very pretty and i always knew my dress would be something different and beautiful =)

i need a dr before i go insane

i had a breakdown last night...i wanted curly fries so we got arby's for dinner. i like it...i wanted it...but i felt so much like i failed myself. before i ate it i told myself "you want it, it tastes good, recovery" after i ate it i wasnt so positive. one, it was fast food. greasy fast food! two, i used the sauce and got cheese. three, i ate more than i should have. i let myself become fuller than i realized i could handle. after dinner i took a shower totally ignoring the battle that would come in the bathroom. i knew i was full, felt crappy, and felt ive failed, but i NEEDED a shower! that is when i need it the most actually. i tend to feel loads more dirty when ive over eaten. so i went in there, closed the mirror FOR SURE! (you know, they should sell those things with a warning printed between the layers in the top corner, like how they give epilepsy warnings in video games. "WARNING: if you've an eating disorder, do not use while nude!" haha!) i wanted to purge, i almost did it without thinking but luckily i brought myself out of it which i am happy about. ive come so far i dont want to ruin it or my relationship i love him too much.

im glad the shower and air vent makes quit a bit of noise. the anxiety/panic attacks i have in there are defo embarrassing! x_x i fought myself so hard that i gess i kinda broke down for a bit...i washed my hair, conditioned, shaved, the whole time telling myself im crap, this is not me, im fat, why cant i be at least skinny in my eyes, ive failed, i have to find a way to get rid of it. but also telling myself no its just your mind, dont do it, dont go backwards, remember its not real...by the time i got to scrubbing my body i just...snapped...for some reason i thought maybe if i scrubbed hard enough and fast enough that it would go away. i went for it like a crazy person just scrubbing and crying until i crouched in the tub and just let myself cry under the water until i couldnt cry anymore...why i thought i could scrub my fat away? i dont know...i kept thinking of how i dont understand why i see and think so differently from everyone else but at the same time i was thinking that if this is what i see and think then why is it wrong to be me? as well as trying to make myself think like them or to at least make myself forget it and just be how they want me to be. all those contradicting thoughts jammed at each other and i just confused myself into a moment of insanity.

i hope i have better days. i feel pretty good today so im glad for that =)

EDIT: sometimes i feel as if i am being forced to be someone than who i am. if people dont like who i am then fuck them! this is who i am and who i have been for most of my life and i want to, and sometimes do, think that im not going to be someone i am not just because they dont like it. but on the otherhand i know i am ill now...however the pride in my bones and how little or healthily i eat remains and i doubt it will ever go away.

people give a fuck for the wrong things :P

<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.

i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?

k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."

all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!

booties, yoga, stretches, and failure but who cares?

i feel a little down. i have messed up FIVE days of ABC so far. the initial one was...difficult but not horrible. the more i mess up the more i feel i want to give up because i wasnt supposed to mess up this time! :'( i was supposed to rock it and succeed, but im failing...again...i want to give up, however i am trying to remind myself that it is merely five days out of fifty and that it isnt going to hurt me to proceed with my best. i am tyring to tell myself it will be failing if i give up rather than if i keep going no matter how many screw ups i get...oh, i forgot to mention i am NOT GETTING ANY FRICKING RESULTS! O.O whyyy? (duh! it is in the foods i eat...) i am exercising and ive taken up yoga again.

i must say the yoga and stretches that ive been doing are showing results in the limber area of life. i have minor scoliosis from my father so it helps me ALOT. it is why i started in the first place several years ago. it isnt visible when ive proper posture but if i slouch or sit with my legs straight out, its noticeable -__- and alot of times if i lay on my tummy with my chest propped up by my elbows, i get stuck and in pain like an old lady with a bad back XD

i am constructing for myself, a mood journal. it will be for my feelings toward intake and for the project with my cousin -changing one thing in my daily routine (my OCDs). change something small that makes me a little uncomfortable but not feel out of wack. i dont know if ive mentioned it before but this project is to help us let go of control; for me, helping to distance myself from ana gradually as i see fit. i think that in recovery from an addictive type thing, it needs to be done at a slow gradual pace. otherwise there will just be a constant circle of relapse/recov which is not what i want. i am not ready to eat any higher than 800 right now, i feel sick even eating that much. ive been being horrible with my ABC actually, even on days i fit the limit. alot of times i save up my cals to one big meal (usually unhealthy) which is why i havent any results...therefore i cannot complain...but alot of days ive been feeling the huge need to purge and i noticed that when i feel disgusting about what/how much ive eaten, i tend to scrub alot more and harder in the shower. i suppose i just feel dirty for eating so much and so unhealthily. it is time to change...how many times have you heard that now? XD

oh! on the fun side! i made a set of italian greyhound booties because it is difficult to find ones that fit that have a reasonable price, as their proportions are unique. it turned out very well considering i made the pattern on my own =) im pleased with my work. usually im not for dressing up pets but italian greyhounds shouldnt be in the cold without warmth, they are prone to sickness from cold weather. next ive to make her sweater and my socks. they're fishnet socks and i thought it would be a nice challenge.

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

i want a new dress, should i put the butterfly in my teeth?

boyfriends leg was hurting quite bad last night. its gotten worse over time. it started out as just a tender feeling to the touch, then it progressed into numbness and now it gives him sharp pains as if his leg is being stabbed with a knife. he went to the doctor and they said its a pinched nerve and that it may never go away! O.O it was so bad and i felt so bad for him. i massaged it and tried to channel my love and thoughts of making it feel better. i made my hands warm and firmly touched/massaged his leg with my palm while taking deeep slooow breaths. in through my nose...and out through my mouth. i closed my eyes and pictured all my feelings of love, of hope, and of goodness, and my thoughts of his leg being pain-free. i pictured it all churning inside me as a glowing healing liquid pumping out of my heart and through my veins with every breath; flowing into my arms, out of my hands and into his leg. im sad to say it didnt work fully :( he remained in pain. it was a nice thought and good try though. sounded like it would've worked didnt it? he said it helped a litto but the pain was still very bad.

i was getting ready to go for a walk and i tucked in my shirt like i always do. well gess what...i have a pooch again! i never got rid of it but now its really there! it hangs over my shorts like a fucking fanny pack! :( im back where i started. i got scared if my but got bigger too cuz thats one thing ive always hated. so i took the pencil test. i fucking fail. my ass is fat again...i swear if i got on a scale it would say im 107 again...thats where i started when i first moved in november last year! i was doing good when i first got here, half a personal frozen pizza a day-364cal (not that pizza is a good choice). i kinda let myself go after that. started eating the whole pizza. my stomach got stretched out causing me to get hungry more often and more to make me full. i let myself go until i realized i was 107lbs of fat. ending april i started looking for por-ana/mia and support sites but never found any that hadnt been deserted for a year or shut down. in may i found you girls and started blogging. got back on track with the support of my bleuets ^__^ thankyu so much for that! just knowing that people are there for me and understand what im going through because they are going though it too, it just makes you feel less alone =) it took me that whole time to get back to 95! im happy to say i reached 93, the smallest ive ever been! YAY!!! ^__^

pstt, hang in there, one more paragraph to go and then the good part.
at 93 i was so close to my goal, closest ive ever been to managing a smile when i look at myself and truly meaning it. meaning a smile at my body; not my hair or my clothes, i could smile at my body, and thats big for me...for all of us. i was actually able to start feeling i deserved that smile because it takes alot of control and discipline to come all that way. i started wearing half shirts and taking pictures of myself because well, i got vain XD i was proud of my work. i was almost grasping my dream, my fingertips were in its ora, i could feel the happiness on my fingertips...but it vanished! and now its pretty far...ive let myself go again.

i cant go back to 93 but 95 is my lowest healthy weight and im so fixing this. im going back there! time to get the self-pity fat that ive gained, off my body. ive lost everything i started to like about my body and i want it back! yes im in recovery but i dont have to lose control and let myself go so much as i have. ive been wallowing in self-pity about losing my dream and enough is enough! recovery ≠ losing control, ≠ excuse to be weak, ≠ excuse to binge, ≠ gaining horrid amounts of unhealthy weight! i started years ago at 135lbs and i refuse to go back there or even take steps in that direction any longer! this is the back-on-track confident me who is taking recovery by its horns and telling it AND ana what to do! not the other way around! nothing should control me, not ana not mia not recovery. i got into this because i wanted control, i lost it and im taking it back.

*deep breath and dramatic exhale* ok! now that i got that out of my system i feel all refreshed and confident and i am SO ready for the week! :D starting back my exercise routine, adding more to it and no more binging! one more binge before my mom sends me money and i will not allow myself to buy the clothes i need from the thrift shop ^__^ which i want and need so badly!
so! i went completely off track XD getting back to my walk today: i ACTUALLY walked for a whole complete hour today!!! oh, make that 58.5min cuz i RAN for a minute and a half! OH. MY. GOSH! O.O ahhh im so proud of myself! its so refreshing! =) haha a minute half isnt much but im so not a runner and havent ran in like a year so thats pretty cool for me haha. (ya i know, your wondering about my header picture now "'jogging on the path to perfection'?" haha it will be true again very soon!) while i was passing the pool, 5 girls between the ages of 7 and maybe 13 stopped me to look at my dog.
"its so tall! is it yours?"
"ya." i smile.
"look at its legs!"
"so skiiinny!"
"aww cute!"
and the last girl: "is it your helper seeing dog??" no honey, do i look blind? see my glasses? means i can see...i admit maybe not that well, and i do hold true to the contradicting phrase 'blind as a bat' but i can see haha that one made me laugh.
"how old is it?...he...she..."
i laugh a little "she and oh gosh i dunno. 5, 6 maybe?"
i start to walk again cuz i dont really wanna stay and chat too long. im on a mission of a healthy body! XD
they say bye to gripen and then bye to me.
i start walking and say "baibai!" as i turn.
i hear that one girl mimic the way i say bye. was i too happy about it? dont think she liked me much and after her mimic im thinking her question about gripen being my guide dog wasnt an accident but its ok, theyre litto and im in an awesome mood!

oh! before i finish this blog, i found the top half of a yellow and black butterfly's right wing and on the way home a maimed white butterfly flew in front of me and landed a few feet away. every time i got too close it flew further ahead until finally landing on the fence next to me and i walked past it. i saw it had a hole in its left wing...should i be worried?? butterflies are a symbol of luck, love and good fortune...wonder what that means my fortune is O.o haha i tried looking up about finding a butterfly wing but not the butterfly, or an injured butterfly. couldnt find anything accept that they bring luck and good fortune which i already knew. i did find this saying "If a woman wants a new dress, she must catch a butterfly of the same colour and hold it in her teeth while chanting a magik spell."

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 4:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal- 2c left over mac and cheese, ice cream sandwich: 730cal 11:05p
snack- 1 ice cream sandwich: 150cal 12:30a
snack- bag popcorn: 240cal 2:00a

1308cal total :P im completely over *breathe* yes im upset, *breathe* VERY...upset *breathe* but it will be ok. *breathe* im counting that as my final goodbye to weakness. starting tomorrow is a newer, better old me hahahahaha*breeeeeathe!*

the only part of my body i am somewhat proud of, soon there will be more

i am glad that i can see my clavicle, its defo the BEST part of my body! i need my ribs, spine, shoulder blades and the bone at the edge of my shoulder right at the top of my arm to show more. if i can do that, i will be happy! i will be more than happy! i will be ecstatic! thrilled! content! calm! beautiful! pure! clean! and THIN! im kind of taking a chance by having these pics here but no one i know personally, uses blogger or even cares to blog for that matter so i think im pretty safe =) im so glad i decided to blog. journaling in notebooks is way to convenient for snoopers and im-trying-to-figure-out-whats-wrong-with-you-ers. its happened to me 4x too many and ive finally used the intelligent part of my brain! XD ive had blogs before but just got lazy and didnt have as much access to a computer as i needed to be able to think/write what i needed to write.


ive done good today =) i am ok with my cals today, not much better than yesterday and still over like all of this past month! but its ok. while xxx was sleeping i took the left over hamburger helper that i said id eat today and put it straight in a coffee filter, crunched it up and threw it away and the fucking cheese sauce went down the sink =) the pig under the sink can get fat on it XD so i was able to get away with not eating till dinner because he thought i ate. i dont even feel the want for food! i think ana's come back! :D oh im so happy!!! its the best feeling to know you're going to be ok and everything will be fine.

i did have a whole fucking plan for what to eat today that i failed though :/ and it was going to be perfect, i was going to be under 200 like i used to be everyday before i caught the binge virus that has been cycling and passing from ana girl to ana girl in this community -__- so anyway that didn't work out because i found out we were having frozen pizza (330cal=1 slice) for dinner. i successfully cut one slice into 3 and when xxx saw it
"oh god..."
"what??"
"you cut it into little tiny pieces."
"ya! took a picture!" lie
"oh." relief smile
" is artistic!"
so i fed the 2/3rds of it to the dogs while i stood in the kitchen and ate my 1/3rd. but the very last piece i fed to the dog, she took it and for no fucking reason, ran out into the living room where xxx was to finish eating it! i got paranoid thinking he'll figure out that ive been feeding it to the dogs so i said "woa! she took the crust i gave her and bolted! ran away from grip (our other dog)! since when is grip the bully?! its usually her." then to be more convincing i asked for another slice and fucking started eating it! why?! but thank ana for liquids you use on foods! i grabbed hot sauce and wrote "FAT!" on it and that was enough to kill the on coming binge! :D i purged it and i think im finally back on track! my cals are completely over today but im ok and not upset about it because i know im going to be ok! =)

the post "Eat Well for Flat Abs" at Hopes For Hipbones was completely right! i had tamago meshi for breakfast and my tummy didnt even growl all day! well, it did but just a tad, i hardly felt it! :D im not completely back to ana yet so im scared to feel hungry for fear of it being a binge trigger. tamago meshi is one of my favorites so im glad =) and im japanese so eating a raw egg with rice is normal haha no need to cook it with pan spray, butter or oil. just crack and pop straight into the bowl! XD it definitely does the trick! i did the STUPIDEST thing though!!! xxx bought reese's pieces, a king size pack for me and one for him. i dont know why one pack said 190cal per serving and one said 200 but anyway. i got the 190cal pack and fucking divided wrong! 1 did 190/51 instead of 51/190! i was thrilled but confused to find out that the pack was only 30.33cal but it took me the whole pack to figure out that "hey, how is it i ate all 113 (yes i counted) pieces but its only 30.33cal when the bag says 2 servings of 190 is in here?.....FUCK!" so i went straight to the toilet of course! nooo way was i gonna let all 421cal stay in me uh uh! im not going to count it as a binge or get too upset. im only upset by the fact that im 21 and dont know how to fucking divide or realize the obvious! XD im defo being more careful now!

i saw a girl at kroger the other day and from the back she looked asian and skinny. she had on a mesh black 1/2 top ending just above her belly button, a black bra, and a long black skirt. i kicked xxx to show him cuz we like to spot sexy asian girls and show point them out to each other XD but then she turned sideways and i saw her face, she wasnt asian, just tried the asian style. but the 1st thing i noticed was that her tummy stuck out so far i dont know how she looked skinny from behind! O.o and it wasnt a pregnant belly pooch either, you could tell; it looked more like a beer belly pooch! O.o

my mom just got a walmart card and put 50$ on it =) i feel SO bad asking her for money but i need shorts and panties. my panties are so old theyre ripping and my shorts are too. my friend is coming down in 10 days so we're gonna go to the mall and ill get them then. =) ill save xxx a trip taking me to the mall since he absolutely hates it haha maybe i can get me a hat too, im a hat girl! XD i was thinking of using some of it, if i have enough, to FINALLY pierce my lip! but too bad i cant, i dont have enough and xxx told me i shouldnt do it yet. his mom is really money focused (greedy!) and will get on our case about why money was used for that and not things that are needed. she doesnt even particularly like when i buy new clothes :P bitch. what does she expect me to do?? walk around in hobo clothes?? she'd be more upset that i look like a slob :P but xxx said when he gets a job or when his mom and her husband go on their trip to vegas soon (oooh ya, thats a thing needed to spend money on, uhhh huh, definitely!). im defo gonna save up to get my lip pierced while theyre gone! FINALLY! ive been talking and waiting for it for fucking ever!! :D xxx has been trying to get a job and i think he may get this newest welding one they set up for him! and ive been applying like crazy! wish us luck!! :D

i didnt get to walk down to pick raspberries because i was doing clothes all day and we were busy but i will tomorrow...hopefully :P but ive been making sure that any and every time i go to the bathroom, i DO NOT open that door to leave until ive completed 100 squats =) so far so good! takes about 2 min for 100 so ive been doing about 15min everyday at least, plus the crunches ive been doing as well: 20-center, 20-left side, 20-right side, 30sec hold center in plank, 30sec hold in left twist, and 30sec hold in right twist =) i have gotten much better! i remember when i could do no more than 30 squats without a break and 15 crunches without a break. now i can do 100 squats, no break and 50 crunches going straight into a minute and a half hold crunch! :D YAY!!!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 1:55p
113 Reese's Pieces: 421cal 6:10p (purge 6:12p)
1/3 slice frozen pizza: 110cal 1o:25p
1 slice frozen pizza: 330cal 10:40p (purge 10:45p)
1/4c Rainbow sorbet: 60cal 1:00a

231cal over :P
991cal eaten
751-10%= 675.9cal purged
cal net total315.1

back on track but possibly being kicked out :(

yesterday was my first day back on track and im glad! its such a relief! i hope i can continue in the right direction =) theres a whole strawberry pie and im scared for when they open it! i dont know if i can resist! but im going to do my absolute fucking best!



im worried a little. xxx's mom is being a complete fucking bitch and says we have to move out. she's mad at him because he couldnt fix the washer. she turned it on and it sprayed water all over her and she says he sabotaged her...how stupid a reason to kick us out! he tried to fix it and he couldnt so she's pissed. we have no where to go, no jobs, nothing, not even a car to live out of because thats her car...i dont know what we'll do :/ i have no doubt she'll throw out all of his stuff if he cant take it with us. he doesnt want me to live on the street with him so he asked me last night if i thought my friend J, the one that was going to come over the end of this month (which isnt going to happen now if this is really happening and his mom really does throw us out), would let me stay with her for a week. her dad probably would let me stay there but, but, thats fucking scary! he works at the psych ward with cutters, anorexics, bulimics, and depressed people. he knows all the tricks and things to look for im NOT going to a hospital no fucking way! :( im scared for us, im scared for me, i hope his mom gets over it! and if she doesnt i hope one of his friends will have a heart to let us stay. i want to stay with him...


1/2c Kix: 44cal 3:35p
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 3:35p
1 Dannon Light & Fit yougurt cup peach: 80cal 6:07p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 1:00a
1 no-sugar/low-caloire Jell-o cup: 10cal 2:25a


311cal under
189cal eaten

YAY!!! ive been staying cheap!

June 6

yesterday went good until i had a fucking binge on graham crackers and a peanut butter jelly sandwich. i couldnt purge because i ate too fast and all the air in my tummy made it hard to purge silently. oh mother of all hell my tummy hated the fuck outta me! i felt like i had to take the worst crap of my pathetic life it hurt so bad! my tummy must ABSOLUTELY HATE peanut butter!!! after a while i couldnt take it i went to the bathroom and purged it all! lucky me the air had time to come up through little burps in the time i waited.

i needed a scratch bad on my back so i bent over and asked him to scratch my back for me and after a while
"you have to eat more..."
"why??"
"i can see your ribs and you spine real bad..."
"oh...thats good!"
"...babe..."
i get up and hug him with my head facing down and my cheek on his chest "i like it." he cant see but i have the biggest smile.
"i dont..."
"why?? its good. im healthy theres nothing to worry about."
"but i dont like it, its not good it makes me sad."
"...it makes me happy."
"fine, if it makes you happy..."
"what love? im fine."
"....."
"im trying to eat..."
"i know..."

1 baby carrot: 2cal 4:35p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 6:15p
1/4 hamburger: 62.5cal 8:30p
binge

_?_cal over
_?_cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 7

today i did ok. i thought i made a horrible mistake by eating the rest of my salmon meal (140) too early. he ended up wanting me to eat again later so i made a cup of stir fry (40cal) and had a cup of jello. but it wasnt so bad, i stayed under 200 while satisfying his want for me to eat =)


1/2 Logan's Roadhouse Misquite Wood-Grilled Salmon: 140cal 4:45p
1c stir fry: 40cal 11:45p
chew/spit 1 cinnamon roll: 130cal 5:10p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 12:05a


310cal under
190cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 8

i had to get up early today so we could take xxx's mom to work and the dog to the groomer. i woke up, made tea and ate 2/4c kix and 1/4c fruity marshmellow minis =) it was good and i feel good today! i didnt do anything today other than that today and my calories were ok =) ive been managing to stay under 200cal for the most part =)

calories are eaten at the expense of my body, so if you think about it the more calories a food has the more expensive it is XD haha just a weird thought i came up with, wow, its weird! XD

2/4c Kix: 44cal 7:00a
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 7:00a
1 plum: 30cal 5:30p
1 stalk celery:6cal 8:43p
2 baby carrots: 4cal 8:43p
a drop of dressing: 5cal 8:43p
chew/spit 1 yokan: 170cal 9:00p
1/2 oatmeal packet: 65cal 12:15p
couple fruity marshmellow minis: 5cal 12:15p
drop of chocolate sauce: 3cal 12:15p (guilty pleasure)

313cal under
187cal eaten

this is the new shit

im getting better at prenending to eat. i feel bad because im lying and cheating.......but what else can i do?...its really my only choice.

xxx went to burger king before doing all the stuf we had to take care of

"want anything?"

"...umm...oh! what you had last time."

"double cheese burger?" fuck no! you wanna kill my indisdes?

"no that ummm, you had it last time..."

"ya, double cheese burger."

"nooo it was a drink thing.."

"oh! the oreo shake! ok"

"..ya..." i needed to get something but i couldnt think, i knew it was totally the wrong choice! then i spotted it, "mm mm, funnel cake sticks!"

"where?"

"right there in the middle of the left pannel."

"oh, ok."

so i got that instead. i ate 2 sticks on the way to the gas station accross the street. when we got there and he went in the store. so while he was gone i wrapped 4 of them in some napkins and put them in my purse. i LOVE that purse! life, or i should say, tummy saver! XD next we had to go meet his mom on her job and give her, her lunch. he ate his cheese burger on the way. so happened, perfect coincidence, she was at a gas station in her mail truck so while he was talking to her i put the ones in my purse in the bag along with his cheese burger wrapper. then i made sure that he saw me put the 3 that were in the box, in my mouth. but when he wasnt looking i spit them out in the bag.

"anything else you wanna throw away?" i ask with a healpful face on.

"oh, ya, here." puts reese's wrapper in the bag and i go throw it away.

later on he brought me up half a toasted peanut butter sandwich with a ton of peanut butter in it. i got worried for a minute and started freaking out, "fuck how am i gonna do this?! i CANT eat this! i cant!" but the dog was there so to avoid the smacking lips from the peanut butter i let most of it drip out and i ripped and fed her tiny pieces. he saw me with a little of the sandwich left in my hand

"can i feed it to her?"

"no. she had some downstairs." ya. right, maybe she did but like im going to believe thats the reason your so stern about it...isnt funnel cake sticks and a bag of popcorn enough for you? dam!

"oh, ok."

while i was ripping it into one bigger piece and one smaller, "can i let her lick the plate? i wanna see her sticky mouth." smile.

"ya." uhhh huh, point made.

i put the bigger piece on the plate and let her eat it and lick the rest of the peanut butter =) safe!!! aaand then i fucked it up with a 3 cracker binge! fuuuck its the first day over 200 in a while...beside the day i was forced to eat...

2 Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks: 67cal 12:45p
2c popcorn: 60cal 2:40p
2c popcorn: 60cal 7:27p
1 teenie tiny bite toasted peanut butter sandwich: 9cal 9:05p
3 Keebler Zesta crackers: 36cal 11:30p

268cal under :(
232cal eaten

no interferance in my food habits

things went alot better today! i was able to eat without being watched so i was able to sneak and half my oatmeal packet. i just used a smaller bowl and added a ton of water to make it full. i didnt let him get a chance to see it so he wouldnt notice how watery it was. and he fell asleep watching tv so i snuck downstairs, grabbed a danish and went to the bathroom to chew/spit it into the toilet.

last night he kept acting all sad and sulky and i thought it was cuz of me being stubborn about my eating. but then he started asking me if i was mad and id say no and 15min later he'd ask again.
"are you mad at me?"
"no." in a innocent voice cuz i kinda was.
"well you were.."
"how did you know i was?"
"you cant hide anything from me."
"...."

half hour later
"are you mad at me?"
"no."

later
"i love you." sounding like he's checking if i do.
"i love you."

later
"still love me?"
"of course i still love you!"

later in bed
"im not used to you being mad at me..."
"stop it already, we made eachother equally upset."
"why were you mad at me?"
"you know why and if i say it your gonna get mad next." because you fucking made me eat and made my stomach fucked up! (my fucking stomach hurt into the next day because i couldnt purge enough!)
"ok...i gess we better burry it already."
"ya."

so i dunno. maybe he'll stop it for a while as long as i can eat enough to stay out of radar. so to him, today i ate 2 meals and thats good enough.

we had to go to the store and while we were getting in the car
"want anything from mc donalds?"
"your going to mc donalds?? you?? your going to mc donalds?? wowww!" he absolutely hates mc donalds.
"ya, i gotta pick up food for J." his moms husband.
"oh..."
"imma get chicken nuggets." the only thing he'll eat from there.
"iii want ramen." trying to sound cute and innocent.
"....." he didnt react so i dont know if that was a ok or a here she goes again kinda thing.
in the drive through i debated french fries to make it look like im ok cuz im changing my mind, and i have a weakness for mc donalds french fries. but i just held my tounge, pictured the oil its submerged in and pictured it dripping when they take it out of the fryer. then i was safe and we were on our way home =) i made it through today!

1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 4:50p
3 baby carrots: 6cal 8:00p
1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 11:00p
chew/spit 1 apple danish: 190cal 3:30a

364cal under
136cal eaten

wooo! im on a fucking roll! :D

i am doing so fucking good i cant fucking believe myself! here's the turn-around, pick-me-up i needed! now lets not screw it up, fat ass! so far i havent eaten anything at all and the day is almost fucking over wooo! ive been drinking water and genmaicha (brown tea aka popcorn tea). i made it taste pretty good too! i added a tad cinnamon, a teenie peice of apple and a dash of sugar while the water was boiling. pretty good if i do say so myself. im thinking of seeing what boiling oats into it tastes like XD

when lunch came around xxx said

"im dying for burger king im so fucking hungry, im starving!" XD

"we gonna go?..."

"ya. you want something?"

"um..."

"burger king...taco bell? you still got that soup in there too."

"ummm.....i dont know....." i know, this is like a horror movie but instead of saying "he's behind the door idiot!" your reading this saying "soup! say soup!..SOUP!" XD

"i can take you to taco bell"

"...ok" and now your thinking "NOOOO!"

so i get the computer and start my calorie search.

"babe im hungry..."

i look up, "oh! sorry i thought we had to wait till your mom them get back?"

"no their taking his truck."

"oh...ok." i put the laptop down and put on my socks and shoes; ana's yelling at me the whole time, "fix it! fix it you mother fucker! dont be weak! haaa your so fucking weak!"

i realize, im not weak and i dont need/want fast food.

"actually love i change my mind. imma eat that soup."

"you sure??"

"ya!" we get in the car, "plus im not really that hungry right now, i ate a bunch a carrots after i fed the dogs." lie.

"oooh ok, good."

ana, situation avoided! thank you! i havent eaten anything yet and i think me eating soup may have been forgotten! will i? is it finally happening? am i getting away with my first fast?! i hope to hell i am!!! :D i feel so good and the stomach growling isnt phasing me...though i know if i was to fast longer than one day it would be harder. hopefully someday i can do it longer.

oh, and i got out of eating at IHop ^__^ we ended up not going haha! he wasnt hungry this morning, i was still sleeping and his mom didnt want to go, so woo! no gross, greasy calories for me!

one my most favorite singers ever! hes so sexy and i looove his voice!! i ENVY the girl in this beauty clinic commercial he does XD she's with Gackt AND shes so skinny...though...i wanna be thinner than her, she's still a step closer to thin than i am :P

and this one is awesome considering why all of us are in this blog community.in this commercial his name is Mr. Perfect and that guys job is to bring him perfect women because he is extremely picky XD its suppose to show that Takano Yuri Beauty Clinic makes the girls beautiful...hmmm then why did they show her having a flaw?? XD

excuses excuses

we went to the store earlier and i got more carrots and a different kind of soup. i really want to take my time and look at all the different things and calorie amounts and see which ones have the lowest but its really hard doing that with my boyfriend around :/ he doesnt think i need to "diet" so i wont say im "dieting" as a reason because hell say im not fat, i dont need to, im fine how i am etc. so the only thing i got going for me now is saying im into health. he grabbed a really high cal bread and changed his mind to a different one, which so happened to be low cal,
"i like this one better, ok with you?"
"yep! its healthier anyway. the other one was really bad."
"psh, since when are you into health??"
"ive always been, i just took it down a notch since ive been here cuz its not like im paying for the food."
so thats been explaining the light soups, sobe life water, vitamin water, vegetables, silk, sorbet and whatever else i ask for. i cant wait to get a job so i can stop feeling bad asking for food...aaand i still have to learn how to fucking drive! then i can go and do my own fucking shopping! ive kinda been putting it off because i wanted my first licence to be from home with our info on it, not to mention i hate taking id/permit/licence pics :P but for the sake of losing im gonna try to get it and a job. im not that bad a driver i just need to drive a little more before i go so i can get used to it again.

next to the soups is the bakery and i have absolutely no fucking idea why i said it but i kinda shouted, "COOKIES!" -__- ya...nice one alice!
evil-devil-horrid-fattening-calorie-stuffed food=1
stupid-fat-loud-mouth-wants-to-gain-more alice=0.
but i turned that situation around by pretending.
"whats this one?"
lifts the cover.
"meh. i like this one better."
takes a 70 calorie cookie that was baked in 45calorie butter and sprinkled with 10 calories.
i held it in my hand and pretended to eat it and when we got to the toilet paper, i dropped it in between the bags. im sure people saw me but do i give a fuck? hell, fuck no! my bodys at stake here! you think im gonna eat it just because people are watching me thinking, "did she just?...she did?!...why the fuck did she take it if she was gonna stuf it in the items only for it to mold and rot? what an idiot!" no! no i am not! id rather do that than watch my stomach and thighs grow an inch before my eyes! i am strong, ana's on my side, i must keep control.

ive been researching on the internet and ive been finding some awesome low cal recipes! i just have to tweak and modify here and there but hey, its not bad! i found pancakes that are 26cal each, muffins 72cal each (still kinda high for my liking), and a tuna salad 88cal, which i can split into 4 22cal servings! thats really good for me because i need to keep my cals super super low this month and next! i need to start seeing some fucking results!

its so fucking gross! i went in the bathroom this afternoon and xxx's mom put 3 rolls of toilet paper on the plunger! EW! thats disgusting! why?! something that goes in the toilet, cleaned OR uncleaned, breads bacteria from the pee/doo doo water (just cuz you cant see it dont mean its not there) while it sits there and dries! and you wipe your private parts with that?! the parts that your supposed to keep cleanest?! why dont you just stuff the fucking plunger up your pussy?! its basically the same thing. ug! i cant wait till me and him get our own place. itll be sooo much fucking easier for me to keep things clean the way i want it and to get the food i want and do what i want. i just feel uncomfortable here cuz its her house, not mine. i can only keep our room clean and the bathroom upstairs (which by the way, the toilet paper is kept under the sink in its wrapping!), because that job has been left to me...somewhat, but thank fucking hell that i get some say in it cuz its the one i use.

xxx is so sweet! i was sooo sleepy. i was falling asleep while we were watching death becomes her, you know that old-ish movie where they drink the potion and stay young forever? well anyway he carried me to the bed ^__^ awww!

f/v day success! and a romantic happy ending ^__^

i made it! i stayed strong, kept control and ate fruits and veggies today =) tonights dinner was spaghetti. he asked if wanted some and i said no. he asked why and i confidently said "cuz i dont want spaghetti. ill just make a sandwich later." and smiled. but i never made the sandwich ^__^ instead i had a few baby carrots and a stalk of celery. okay so i didnt have to eat so much, i shouldve went either/or and my cal numbers arent very different from any other day but ill get better. im still pretty proud of myself! ^__^ i didnt eat not one greasy piece of meat or one tiny nibble of sugar. wooo, im psyched for tomorrow! im feeling a little more confident because i made it through the day, so here is the current me :P i still have a loong way to go and i feel self conscious about that second one so please dont tease or judge. and i had to block out my camera on that one :P i have stickers and stuff on there that can screw me. id rather not be found by accident somehow...im happy about today! im going to stick to it! im especially happy that i can see my ribs and spine a tiny bit now! and my collar bone is much better than it was! :D i noticed while i was trying to get a good pic of me. i cant wait till my ribs and spine become more prominent! alice in thinland here i come!! =)

and to top it all off with a cherry (not whipped cream!), today had a wonderful faerie tail-ish ending to make me even happier! we had an awesome thunderstorm! the sky was so beautiful! boyfriend called me and his mom to watch at the door. we decided to go outside and watch because there was so much lightning. i took some videos and got some lightning streaks. it started to rain so his mom went in and i put the camera away so it wouldnt get wet. me and my boyfriend stood in the rain for a while just holding each other, watching and appreciating the beauty of nature. and to make it even more wonderful he gave me my first kiss in the rain while lighting flashed above us. :D oh im so happy today! i got my first rain kiss with the bonus of electric lighting up the sky, and rain washing me clean; making me a new girl who is in control of what she eats! im not going to give up this feeling! i want it forever. i always want to be in control and stay strong against food. i hope i can keep this going and ill try my fucking hardest!

1 banana: 105cal 5:10p
6 1/2 baby carrots: 13cal 10:55p
1 stalk celery: 6cal 10:55p
1tsp brie: 45cal 10:55p

831cal under
169cal eaten