hey lovelies *sigh* i need a break for a bit. i couldnt help it, i looked into the mirror and hated...no despised what i saw. i have no doubt in my mind that i am all fat now. i bet i am at least 103...i am so ashamed to say so. i have ruined myself. i am weak and shameful. someone please tell me you hate me and that you refuse talk to me again until i get my act together. tell me you dont want to hear from my fat face and sausage typing fingers until i am at least 100 again. maybe then will i cease this nonsense.what brought me to the mirror you ask? my ring. yes, my ring. it is tight, doesnt spin and i feel like its choking the little sausage link i call a finger. then i wondered what had happened. had i really gotten that bad? my gaze shifted toward my thighs as a laid there and yes, they have once more grown to what is normally referred to as thunder thighs. that was all it took for me to strip down and analyze my bodice. i stood there for quite some time to criticize, prod, pull and claw at the fat that had attached itself to me while i wasnt paying attention. i feel so humiliated...how can a girl who spends all her time worrying about controling food: what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, amounts to eat, calories in what i eat; how can she get so distracted, as to not notice how much she is growing, in time to prevent it?! i know i shouldnt say this because my eyes are broken and i know so, and it is out of love that they want me this way but i am saying now in my head, "you wanted me fat, you say it is 'healthy' you say i am not fat and to stop thinking so. but i ask you, do you have to see what i see and feel what i feel? does this body i live in belong to you? I am the one who has to hate what i see. I am the one who is suffering not you. are you happy that i have gained? good, i am glad...because i, by far, am not."
Naked with my eyes shut.
It is as if I am thickly dressed and ready for Winter.
I feel the layers weighing me down,
Trapping and suffocating;
Hiding who I really am.
No one can see me beneath it all.
All the fat that covers me will be there if I open my eyes;
Am I prepared to see it?
To feel the sadness disparity and humility that immediately follows?
No.
Nor will I ever be.
I will never accept it,
It will never be me.
I will never be able to let it become me.
A mutant girl.
Stuck in a body that Ive unwillingly been transformed into.
I reach out into the darkness until the cold of the mirror is at my fingertips.
My hands go to my midriff,
Rubbery stretchy warmth that can pull out so far.
It doesnt belong there.
I do not need all this,
It is not Winter,
It is Summer.
Summer is time for thin light dresses;
On thin light girls.
I imagine myself unzipping my thick Winter coat.
Watching the fat fall to the floor in jiggly ripples.
When I look up I hope to see me.
Finally, the time for my body;
My happiness;
Is at hand.
it pains me to read how depressed and hurt you are. its easy for everyone else to judge what is on the outside and just ignore the war that wages on inside our little bodies. they will never understand that every extra pound is another bomb going off inside our fragile shells. all they see is "healthy" while we crumble from our core.
ReplyDeletehang in there hun. you need to do whatever makes you happy, in the end it is your life, your body, your choice.
meg
*hugs*
My thoughts are so similar to yours right now... can totally understand
ReplyDeletePlease do what you need to in order to feel better. If you do chose to take a break, we'll miss you. But know that there are many of us supporting you. I hate when people don't realize how much every little change on our bodies actually matter. Please stay stong..we're all here for you.
ReplyDelete<3
o hunny im so sorry
ReplyDeletebut im the same way right now too im all i dont have a therapist yet i dont have to try so im just letting th eed take control
and no im not gonna yell at u or tell u i hate u cause i dont hate u
i know that ur in a rough place and im sorry about that