sooo YOUR the one responsible for it being so hard to eat!

HA! i WAS right! and i was just taking a gess! i have said that it is as if the food industries are trying to pack the most calories they can into foods they produce and what do you know? here it is!

"The Truth About Your Weight Gain"

"How did we all get so darn fat?

Well, the simple answer is that we eat more calories. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that American men eat 7 percent more calories than they did in 1971; American women eat a whopping 18 percent more—an additional 335 calories a day! But the harder question is this: Why do we eat so many more calories? Are we suddenly more gluttonous? Do we have some kind of collective death wish? Is the entire country hellbent on qualifying for the next season of Biggest Loser? [haha i laughed when i read this ^.^]

No. There’s an even crazier reason: It’s the food!

We’ve added extra calories to traditional foods, often in cheap, mass-produced vehicles like high fructose corn syrup. These new freak foods are designed not by chefs, but by lab technicians packing every morsel with maximum calories at minimum cost—with little or no regard to dietary impact. Indeed, Eat This, Not That! 2011 has uncovered the truth about some of your favorite fast food and grocery store items and how they're causing you to pack on unnecessary pounds. It’s enough to kill your appetite, which—in these cases, anyway—would be a good thing." ...click the article title to read more about which foods to stay away from...oh gosh the beef patties are as DISGUSTING as what comes out the back of a dog after it has eaten too much human food! i knew there was a reason i didnt favor it -__-

so i was right! haha i just wanted to do the i-told-you-so-thing even if i wasnt really telling anybody, i was merely gessing a reason to why america is becoming so obese and it turned out to be true!

i am super duper excited! boyfriend is taking me on a date to the art museum! :D i looked at a few photos and read up on it and i really think i will love it! and it is free so that is a good plus hehe. if i had a job i wouldnt feel so bad :P gosh i need one! anyway, i really want to see their "wedded perfection" exhibit! :D it showcases wedding gowns from the 1800s. oooh i best charge my camera and empty it out completely! goodness knows i am going to be shooting away! i just hope the lighting is well enough for my camera to take quality photos -///- even on ISO it is quite blurry :P but i have to say i am pleased with its overall performance.

oh! that reminds me! i may be visiting vancouver once more this upcoming summer, i am extra excited for that as well! we took so many photos on that trip! it is such an inspiring place, dripping with an artistic ora at every turn!

oh i cannot wait! i am excited for so much as of late =) for our museum date (though...i think i may enjoy it more than he ^//^), for my possible trip to vancouver which i hope to have a job and save up by then, for next semester of uni that i plan on attending no matter my procrastinative fears, and i may also recieve a new phone. mine is a plain phone. that does not bother me but it is so very slow now and freezes and sometimes does not alert me to calls and messages. boyfriend got a my touch for christmas so i will get his new phone if t-mobile will replace it for me. it is faulty and is said to have a few problems; many other owners have brought it in for an exchange. i am hoping to get a new one in a different color if they will let me change that. if not i am fine with just a good phone.

goodness...haha i rambled again didnt i? ^///^

christmas time! late post, it already came and went XD

hey everyone merry late christmas! :P wow its been. SO. long! O.o i cannot believe how long ive been gone, almost a month! gosh, i gess thats what happens when you just have nothing to say anymore hehe.

i went to gamestop yesterday with boyfriend and i loved the people in there! so many colors and styles and haircuts haha. there were quite a bit of emo teens there which i have to say i am quite fond of them haha! no matter how much people tease them, i happen to adore them loads! ^__^ people should really stop viewing them badly, i think its amazing to be strong and be a certain way even while knowing how people view it. i wish i could pull off the hair! i can do fei zhu liu/ulzzang hair but i dont think emo hair is really my look. ill stick to the more japanese/korean/chinese cuts. i noticed and found it odd that of all places to find an abundance of skinny/thin people that it was a game shop haha. and it wasnt only the emo style teens, it was your everyday person as well. usually one could assume to find bigger people at a game shop rather than anywhere else just for the fact that gamers are often taken to be the sort of people who sit on their asses all day gaming and eating XD but not today ^.^ (ha, and i talk about labels, look at me using labels :P i gess it just happens sometimes though i use them in a non-mean way as compared to some) i wished i could have taken photos of them but the store was so small and so packed that it would have been obvious :/ curses!


i can now say that i am strong enough to knock over boyfriend! XD well, in a very painful way of going about it anyway :P i walked into the dam door! i was walking in, while on the other side of the door, boyfriend was walking out. i must open doors with force or something because i knocked him over HAHA! XD it hurt so bad, i couldnt see out of my eye for a bit. my glasses pushed into my eye and made me involuntarily cry hehe. im surprised i do not have a black eye! thought i do have a light colored line-shaped bruise on the side of my eye.


christmas was an amazing success! my favorite part of christmas is the buying and searching for things to make people i love smile and watching them open it =) 2 months ago i bought a doggie candy cane squeak toy and have been sleeping with it every night. i wanted my smell to be on it so my christmas present, at home in hawaii, could smell me. (my dog chibi. i call her christmas present because i got her for christmas 12yrs ago). she loves to open presents on christmas but my mom said she stopped playing :( i hope she still wants to open it because she smells me...my mom is going to take a video of her for me =)

i got boyfriend an awesome pair of sexy skate shoes heeheee and he is so cute! he got me a necklace with a skeleton key and heart inscribed with our names. i love him dearly and deeply with all my heart! i had made him a christmas eve video for him. since i keep lovey dovey thing between us when no one else is around, i thought id make him a video to post on youtube...in front of the big big wide world, to show him that i am not ashamed ^//^ heeheee it makes me blush to know i made it and people are seeing it, but he loved it and im glad! i didnt tell him i made it. i just posted it from youtube onto his facebook wall and waited till he found it. well, he woke before me and found it and watched it and then came to wake me up with a big hug and the biggest cutest smiling face ive ever seen on him! heehee! ^.^ i love him so! i will show you the video but im going to take it down after a few days. i did not talk because well...i defo do not sound like a 21yr old girl, i sound more as if i am 12 haha! :P you girls have not seen me so...here i am ^//^

[video has been removed]

thanksgiving dinner? ahhh why not? :3

im late but happy thanksgiving girls! :3 i know its a hard time for all of you and i hope you survived ok without too much panic. im happy to say that this is the very first enjoyable holiday meal that ive had and you know what? i smiled through it! ^__^ i ate without over eating. though i admit i ate a tad bit more even after i was full, but i didnt feel a bit guilty for it! i didnt panic at the thought of what was in my food, how many calories there were, how many pounds i was gaining as i ate, or how gross id feel after i ate. in fact i didnt even feel any of the normal side effects eating has on me.

ive made a new, simple, meal plan for myself. one i can defo follow! its in the sidebar in place of the modified ABC. i gess im not that far yet cuz i still screw up :P since ive returned from vancouver, the only meal plan ive been following is trying to stay away from greasy/oily foods and not over eating/being sure i stop as soon as im full. ive been making sure to drink water during my meals and have been staying attentive to how close to full i get. i allow myself to be full but i stop as soon as i realize it. its been working pretty well! my calories are usually between 700-900. im finding that to be the hardest to go against without feeling horrible. its a huge OCD for me as well as for most of you. that and cooking with butter/oil/salt. thats partially from the way my family cooks i think cuz my mom does it too...i had no idea how many things can be inherited. i recently found out that i posses a characteristic of my father that ive never even witnessed! O.o (as a child he always apologized to his mother for being sick when he was. he felt he was inconveniencing her. obviously i wouldnt know about it seeing as i wasnt born ^__^ but i do the same. i apologize to anyone who is taking care of me, for being sick.) anyway, i wanna eat mostly veggies for my lunches. that will be more and more possible when i eventually have money coming in. i think it sounds awesome to have a light but substantial breakfast, a salad and some fruit for lunch and fish or tofu and steamed veggies for dinner! i hardly eat red meat as it is so im good in that area but i dont think i really like chicken anymore either O.o never thought id say that honestly XD i thought that would be my only flaw to becoming full pesco. im growing tired of chicken, oh well, cant hurt right?!

EDIT: ...wanna know a reason why i prefer fish to any other meat? like i said, red meat stinks to me unless its cooked a certain style, i cant eat too much of it without grossing out. but the main reason why i cringe at the thought of eating real, un-processed red meat or fowl is because it reminds me of muscle. the way it strings when you tear it apart...if you look at a human muscle anatomy chart, our muscles look to me like they'd come apart stringy when you eat it the way chicken does and beef does when its tender (like roast). if i dont remember/picture that while im eating, im ok. but once i think about it its ruined. kinda turns my stomach and then it starts smelling bad like rotting flesh... O.o

ive been doing core exercises for the past week and a half and my abs are starting to show! AND ive got small girl-biceps now yay! :3 i am happy. all i want is less flab, less loose skin, less jiggles, a tight flat tummy, and a 1" space between my upper thighs! is that too much to ask? haha it really is if im not doing any cardio XD so for that, shame on me. ive got the muscles under there hiding, i just need to burn the fat covering them is all. i still have a tummy pooch but its not as bad as it was. ive also been stretching daily and am proud to say that when i go to touch my toes, i can now touch the length of my fingers flat on the floor!!! im working on getting my palms to lay flat and being able to do splits...O.o gosh, that will be a bit...

i FINALLY got hand sanitizer in key chain size! :D ive been looking everywhere and of corse when i want it, no one carries it anymore :P i was So happy when boyfriend came home with it for me the other day. i pulled off the ugly brand stickers and drew a cute face on it XD i was about ready to buy a regular small hand-sani and crochet a holder for it haha! now i wont have to gross out the whole time after someone touches me. now its like: "wanna shake my hand??? ummm...--i got hand sani!--...ok i gess if you gotta." haha! instead of "oooh shit...i have to meet people...that means shaking hands...nasty! what did you touch?! im dirty, im dirty, im dirty, imddirtyimdirtyimdirty! gotta wash gottawashgottawashgottawash! ewww the dirt is moving up my arm!" at least its not as bad as it was. id yell at my mom and brother for touching me and run straight to the bathroom! and for people i didnt know, id just stare at their hand instead of shanking it.

i made my first sale in my new business and so far i have 3 other customers! one girl wants a little turtle costume for her puppy! so cute! right now, since im starting out, if they have any ideas on what they want me to make, i just see if i can figure a way to make it if i can. that way i dont have to turn down any customers i may get unless i havent the skill to do what they ask. i need all the money i can get! ive got people to buy presents for! ^__^ that is the funnest part of Christmas, buying things for others.

also, new profile pic, new photos, and new music in the side bar! :3 i am in love with every song on that playlist ^__^ lemme know what you think!

i need a dr before i go insane

i had a breakdown last night...i wanted curly fries so we got arby's for dinner. i like it...i wanted it...but i felt so much like i failed myself. before i ate it i told myself "you want it, it tastes good, recovery" after i ate it i wasnt so positive. one, it was fast food. greasy fast food! two, i used the sauce and got cheese. three, i ate more than i should have. i let myself become fuller than i realized i could handle. after dinner i took a shower totally ignoring the battle that would come in the bathroom. i knew i was full, felt crappy, and felt ive failed, but i NEEDED a shower! that is when i need it the most actually. i tend to feel loads more dirty when ive over eaten. so i went in there, closed the mirror FOR SURE! (you know, they should sell those things with a warning printed between the layers in the top corner, like how they give epilepsy warnings in video games. "WARNING: if you've an eating disorder, do not use while nude!" haha!) i wanted to purge, i almost did it without thinking but luckily i brought myself out of it which i am happy about. ive come so far i dont want to ruin it or my relationship i love him too much.

im glad the shower and air vent makes quit a bit of noise. the anxiety/panic attacks i have in there are defo embarrassing! x_x i fought myself so hard that i gess i kinda broke down for a bit...i washed my hair, conditioned, shaved, the whole time telling myself im crap, this is not me, im fat, why cant i be at least skinny in my eyes, ive failed, i have to find a way to get rid of it. but also telling myself no its just your mind, dont do it, dont go backwards, remember its not real...by the time i got to scrubbing my body i just...snapped...for some reason i thought maybe if i scrubbed hard enough and fast enough that it would go away. i went for it like a crazy person just scrubbing and crying until i crouched in the tub and just let myself cry under the water until i couldnt cry anymore...why i thought i could scrub my fat away? i dont know...i kept thinking of how i dont understand why i see and think so differently from everyone else but at the same time i was thinking that if this is what i see and think then why is it wrong to be me? as well as trying to make myself think like them or to at least make myself forget it and just be how they want me to be. all those contradicting thoughts jammed at each other and i just confused myself into a moment of insanity.

i hope i have better days. i feel pretty good today so im glad for that =)

EDIT: sometimes i feel as if i am being forced to be someone than who i am. if people dont like who i am then fuck them! this is who i am and who i have been for most of my life and i want to, and sometimes do, think that im not going to be someone i am not just because they dont like it. but on the otherhand i know i am ill now...however the pride in my bones and how little or healthily i eat remains and i doubt it will ever go away.

people give a fuck for the wrong things :P

<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.

i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?

k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."

all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

ABC and ana, forever till i die

i got lazy yesterday and did post XD plus i actually got sleepy around 5am! yay! so i got a considerably better amount of sleep last night! :D i feel completely well rested and refreshed! i screwed up yesteday with a fucking milano cookie! if i hadnt eaten it i could have ate my cup spinach and been perfect for the day but i had to fuck up :( its ok though because im not letting it turn the b/p back on! im just going to continue with ABC and im not stopping till its done. ill probably just continue recycling the ABC for...well, the rest of my life. cuz lets face it, am i gonna be happy once i reach 75lbs? i say yes now, but a few yrs ago i wanted to be 100lbs and said id be happy. to my knowledge i am 94 (because the last time i weighed was july 4), 7lbs less than what i wanted and am i happy? no, i am not. but lets say i actually am happy when i reach my 75lb goal, will i be able to eat normally without feeling like a fat-disgusting-horrible-weak-foolish-idiot slash fat-ass-pig? no. will i be able to stretch my stomach 3x its size like the rest of the world without feeling the extremely big and undying ugre to purge it? or even 2x its size for that matter? no, i will not. i will still have the same feelings i do about food then, as i do now. no matter how thin i may become, i know it is just a ;ie to keep pretending "everything will be fine when i reach it. ill be normal when i reach it. ill be like everyone else..." i know its not real, in the back of my mind, stuffed in a dusty old box, purposefully forgotten in the corner, i know the reality of it...and yet i ignore it because i dont want to think of what that means. i dont want to know how that plays out. this is one of the only times i will admit that i know this, but it doesnt change anything...because i will be happy when i reach 75lbs...

wow...now ooon to the happy! XD im quite surprised how much of an itreset boyfriend is showing my new hobby! :D its nice to be supported so fully! i really do want to be a model or photographer and being on LOOKBOOK.nu is a good step because it puts me out there and gives me incentive to dress up and actually model and see what i can do. im not too pleased with what ive done so far but i know i just have to develop my style and poses/facial expressions more; get more creative. my first look i picked my outfit and boyfriend picked the stage, but i didnt expect that he would really get into it like he is! the very next day he already had my next look planned out XD turns out he's got a litto style himself! different looks and stages have been racing around my mind 24/7 haha i feel like a dork sometimes but if it gets me closer to my dreams, do you think i give a shit?! not one pooping bit! XD

i saw a couple of friends on a bike today. around 13yrs old or so. one was pedaling and the other was on the back of the bike standing on the trick pegs and holding onto her friends shoulders. i started to imagine all the things i wanted when i was younger. i used to imagine a boyfriend who would do things like that with me: give me a ride on his bycicle, let me sit on his lap and kiss him in the park, chase me around the beach, randomly pick me up and put me on his shoulders...you know, all the cheesey romantic young couple stuf =) sometimes i can get boyfriend to do it, like the night we kissed in the rain during a thunderstorm, or when we visited home and kissed in the water at the beach, and sometimes when he sits on the couch and i lay next to him and put my legs on him and he rubs them. but for the most part we're just: a couple. like, its gotten to where we just are. we peck kiss alot throughout the day and randomly say "i love you" and we do cute things once in a while, but not really...am i being dumb to want that kind of thing? i suppose i am a litto because he did tell me before that when he doesnt have a job he feels a little down and worthless :( he said that when he has a job i will see a big change in him and like him better, not that i dont like him now, thats just what he said. i gess i shouldnt think too hard about it because when i first got here he was a bit more on the romantic side than he is now. probably because it was the beginning so him being down about not having a job went away for a time...ahhh haha i feel cheesey wanting romance haha but this is my first relationship so is that so bad? ^//^ i got a litto today though! yay! after i ate stir fry and boyfriend ate his pizza we took a walk and held hands ^__^ i like things like that. and you know what? im gonna ditch labeling boyfriend "xxx" in my posts, it sounds dumb and i call him boyfriend anyway so im just gonna say boyfriend from now haha when my friend found out i call him that she thought it was weird XD "i love you boyfriend." "hey boyfriend!" "boyfriend look!" haha doesnt sound so weird to me XD he's "boyfriend" and im "girlfriend" haha

i drew a pic today! tell me what you think! i put the pic i copied next to the one i drew. im not completely happy with it cuz it doesnt look like her really, but im ok with it =) seeing it side by side i see now that i didnt draw her hair wide enough at the sides of her head :P

and once again i have to slow down blogging, grrr
"you always type type type, what are you typing??"
"im talking to the girls on my blog." niiice one alice!
"you have a blog??!"
"i told you i did!" i did.
"no you didnt...your keeping secrets..."
"no im not! its just a blog.." i am but, is having a blog your other half doesnt read a cause for concern? i gess it is huh?...
"secrets..."
sooo that sucks!

my intake yesterday was:
1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 4:38p
1/2c Kix: 44cal 7:49p
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 10:30p
1 Pepperidge Farms Milano double chocolate cookie: 70cal 11:40p

249cal total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my intake today is:
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 5:00p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 8:40p

2/3c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal 12:03
1 no-sugar/low-calorie Jell-o cup: 10cal

298cal total

success! :D ana is giving me back control!

im getting out of the cage mia put me in

xxx woke me up earlier than normal today because we planned to take the dogs to the park =) i usually sleep at 6am and wake at 2pm haha vampire! but its good cuz the day seems to go by faster and i take naps sometimes. but the first thing i woke to was hunger -__- normally id completely love it! i did but because im in a prone to binging phase being hungry is dangerous. so of course a stupid cinnamon roll calls to me! and i ate it! at least i didnt binge because of it! step in the right direction! ive been keeping my binges to a minimal and relatively in control if you can call 676cal control from previously staying under 200..... :P

after the dog park his mom calls and tells him that a lady she knows caught a racoon and was scared of it but needed it gone. so me and xxx went to go pick it up but we had to wait a while for them to show up. when the lady came she had 2 daughters, one older and one little, and a 10yr old son. the older daughter looked about 14 maybe 15, she is one of the only skinny girls ive seen up here! i was surprised she wasnt chubby or fat. she stood a little next to me and kept looking at me and finally said "i like your top...its, nice." i said thanks but i thought "huh? its just a regular t-shirt i tied off to the side..." she seemed shy haha but i understood cuz im the same way. i try to make an effort and comment or say something stupid XD after the lady was done taking pictures of the racoon she told xxx "so is that your daughter?" while motioning to me hahaha he kinda laughed and said "no, my girlfriend. she's older then she looks..." but he was smiling and so was i. she felt sooo bad haha XD she kept saying sorry so he said "its ok, its been a joke of ours." too bad he was at the back of the truck and i was in the front keeping our dogs away from the racoon. we had planned to give eachother a super sexy french kiss in front of anyone who said i was his daughter or sister XD i would have loved to do that!

and just curious, everytime you make an adjustment to a post after you've posted, does it put it back in the dashboard list of new posts everytime?? if thats the case, WOOPS!!! i wonder how many fucking times you guys see my posts cuz i make alot of adjustments to my mistakes! XD

1 apple cinnamon roll: 290cal 11:40a
small spoon of ice cream: 25cal 1:13p
2 slices bread: 120cal 1:56p
1 scoop egg salad: 90cal 1:56p
part of a brownie cookie ice cream snadwich: 110cal 10:45p
1 celery stalk: 6cal 1:50a
some egg salad: 35cal 1:50a


24cal under
676cal eaten

this is the new shit

im getting better at prenending to eat. i feel bad because im lying and cheating.......but what else can i do?...its really my only choice.

xxx went to burger king before doing all the stuf we had to take care of

"want anything?"

"...umm...oh! what you had last time."

"double cheese burger?" fuck no! you wanna kill my indisdes?

"no that ummm, you had it last time..."

"ya, double cheese burger."

"nooo it was a drink thing.."

"oh! the oreo shake! ok"

"..ya..." i needed to get something but i couldnt think, i knew it was totally the wrong choice! then i spotted it, "mm mm, funnel cake sticks!"

"where?"

"right there in the middle of the left pannel."

"oh, ok."

so i got that instead. i ate 2 sticks on the way to the gas station accross the street. when we got there and he went in the store. so while he was gone i wrapped 4 of them in some napkins and put them in my purse. i LOVE that purse! life, or i should say, tummy saver! XD next we had to go meet his mom on her job and give her, her lunch. he ate his cheese burger on the way. so happened, perfect coincidence, she was at a gas station in her mail truck so while he was talking to her i put the ones in my purse in the bag along with his cheese burger wrapper. then i made sure that he saw me put the 3 that were in the box, in my mouth. but when he wasnt looking i spit them out in the bag.

"anything else you wanna throw away?" i ask with a healpful face on.

"oh, ya, here." puts reese's wrapper in the bag and i go throw it away.

later on he brought me up half a toasted peanut butter sandwich with a ton of peanut butter in it. i got worried for a minute and started freaking out, "fuck how am i gonna do this?! i CANT eat this! i cant!" but the dog was there so to avoid the smacking lips from the peanut butter i let most of it drip out and i ripped and fed her tiny pieces. he saw me with a little of the sandwich left in my hand

"can i feed it to her?"

"no. she had some downstairs." ya. right, maybe she did but like im going to believe thats the reason your so stern about it...isnt funnel cake sticks and a bag of popcorn enough for you? dam!

"oh, ok."

while i was ripping it into one bigger piece and one smaller, "can i let her lick the plate? i wanna see her sticky mouth." smile.

"ya." uhhh huh, point made.

i put the bigger piece on the plate and let her eat it and lick the rest of the peanut butter =) safe!!! aaand then i fucked it up with a 3 cracker binge! fuuuck its the first day over 200 in a while...beside the day i was forced to eat...

2 Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks: 67cal 12:45p
2c popcorn: 60cal 2:40p
2c popcorn: 60cal 7:27p
1 teenie tiny bite toasted peanut butter sandwich: 9cal 9:05p
3 Keebler Zesta crackers: 36cal 11:30p

268cal under :(
232cal eaten

no interferance in my food habits

things went alot better today! i was able to eat without being watched so i was able to sneak and half my oatmeal packet. i just used a smaller bowl and added a ton of water to make it full. i didnt let him get a chance to see it so he wouldnt notice how watery it was. and he fell asleep watching tv so i snuck downstairs, grabbed a danish and went to the bathroom to chew/spit it into the toilet.

last night he kept acting all sad and sulky and i thought it was cuz of me being stubborn about my eating. but then he started asking me if i was mad and id say no and 15min later he'd ask again.
"are you mad at me?"
"no." in a innocent voice cuz i kinda was.
"well you were.."
"how did you know i was?"
"you cant hide anything from me."
"...."

half hour later
"are you mad at me?"
"no."

later
"i love you." sounding like he's checking if i do.
"i love you."

later
"still love me?"
"of course i still love you!"

later in bed
"im not used to you being mad at me..."
"stop it already, we made eachother equally upset."
"why were you mad at me?"
"you know why and if i say it your gonna get mad next." because you fucking made me eat and made my stomach fucked up! (my fucking stomach hurt into the next day because i couldnt purge enough!)
"ok...i gess we better burry it already."
"ya."

so i dunno. maybe he'll stop it for a while as long as i can eat enough to stay out of radar. so to him, today i ate 2 meals and thats good enough.

we had to go to the store and while we were getting in the car
"want anything from mc donalds?"
"your going to mc donalds?? you?? your going to mc donalds?? wowww!" he absolutely hates mc donalds.
"ya, i gotta pick up food for J." his moms husband.
"oh..."
"imma get chicken nuggets." the only thing he'll eat from there.
"iii want ramen." trying to sound cute and innocent.
"....." he didnt react so i dont know if that was a ok or a here she goes again kinda thing.
in the drive through i debated french fries to make it look like im ok cuz im changing my mind, and i have a weakness for mc donalds french fries. but i just held my tounge, pictured the oil its submerged in and pictured it dripping when they take it out of the fryer. then i was safe and we were on our way home =) i made it through today!

1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 4:50p
3 baby carrots: 6cal 8:00p
1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 11:00p
chew/spit 1 apple danish: 190cal 3:30a

364cal under
136cal eaten

fast.......fucking COMPLETED!!!

gess what girls! gess fucking what!! I FUCKING DID IT!!! i feel so excited and happy, i really did suprise myself yesterday! despite xxx wanting me to eat i didnt! i didnt give in, i stayed strong and did it for the sake of my body and proving to myself that i can, in fact, be a stronger person! thank you helesaurus , embre and Laura for your advice, ill definately use it! im such a nervous person and ive never been in this situation before where ive been found out by someone and not because i ratted my own self out :P i had ratted myself out to my mom once when i was 15 thinking she knew i was purging and i was watched like a hawk! but it was somewhat easy since she and my brother were at work/school 7hrs of the day.

i thought i was going to have no choice but to swallow a cracker because my fucking UTI came back last night (figures right) and i lost the pills that make the pain go away9another figures) so i couldnt drink anything to keep my stomach growling from being heard and i knew if he heard it he'd probably say "thats it! babe, eat!" so whenever i went to the bathroom i drank a little water. i took a couple benadryl which luckily for me knocked me out before my stomach growled too loud.

i really really dont want to eat today either! ive gotten a taste of what i can do and i want more! its the best thing ive ever tasted (or not hahaha) in my life! i want to fast for a week or more, i really do! unfortunately thats not a good idea :( i have think about how im going to do this because im still, no matter what, still not passing my 500cal limit! at eat as little as i can to keep him happy, carrots, celery, corn, green beans, peaches, soup if i must. haha ive stayed kinda strong about that low-fat ice cream i bought thats been in the freezer for quite some time. its not even 1/8th eaten haha!