sooo YOUR the one responsible for it being so hard to eat!

HA! i WAS right! and i was just taking a gess! i have said that it is as if the food industries are trying to pack the most calories they can into foods they produce and what do you know? here it is!

"The Truth About Your Weight Gain"

"How did we all get so darn fat?

Well, the simple answer is that we eat more calories. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that American men eat 7 percent more calories than they did in 1971; American women eat a whopping 18 percent more—an additional 335 calories a day! But the harder question is this: Why do we eat so many more calories? Are we suddenly more gluttonous? Do we have some kind of collective death wish? Is the entire country hellbent on qualifying for the next season of Biggest Loser? [haha i laughed when i read this ^.^]

No. There’s an even crazier reason: It’s the food!

We’ve added extra calories to traditional foods, often in cheap, mass-produced vehicles like high fructose corn syrup. These new freak foods are designed not by chefs, but by lab technicians packing every morsel with maximum calories at minimum cost—with little or no regard to dietary impact. Indeed, Eat This, Not That! 2011 has uncovered the truth about some of your favorite fast food and grocery store items and how they're causing you to pack on unnecessary pounds. It’s enough to kill your appetite, which—in these cases, anyway—would be a good thing." ...click the article title to read more about which foods to stay away from...oh gosh the beef patties are as DISGUSTING as what comes out the back of a dog after it has eaten too much human food! i knew there was a reason i didnt favor it -__-

so i was right! haha i just wanted to do the i-told-you-so-thing even if i wasnt really telling anybody, i was merely gessing a reason to why america is becoming so obese and it turned out to be true!

i am super duper excited! boyfriend is taking me on a date to the art museum! :D i looked at a few photos and read up on it and i really think i will love it! and it is free so that is a good plus hehe. if i had a job i wouldnt feel so bad :P gosh i need one! anyway, i really want to see their "wedded perfection" exhibit! :D it showcases wedding gowns from the 1800s. oooh i best charge my camera and empty it out completely! goodness knows i am going to be shooting away! i just hope the lighting is well enough for my camera to take quality photos -///- even on ISO it is quite blurry :P but i have to say i am pleased with its overall performance.

oh! that reminds me! i may be visiting vancouver once more this upcoming summer, i am extra excited for that as well! we took so many photos on that trip! it is such an inspiring place, dripping with an artistic ora at every turn!

oh i cannot wait! i am excited for so much as of late =) for our museum date (though...i think i may enjoy it more than he ^//^), for my possible trip to vancouver which i hope to have a job and save up by then, for next semester of uni that i plan on attending no matter my procrastinative fears, and i may also recieve a new phone. mine is a plain phone. that does not bother me but it is so very slow now and freezes and sometimes does not alert me to calls and messages. boyfriend got a my touch for christmas so i will get his new phone if t-mobile will replace it for me. it is faulty and is said to have a few problems; many other owners have brought it in for an exchange. i am hoping to get a new one in a different color if they will let me change that. if not i am fine with just a good phone.

goodness...haha i rambled again didnt i? ^///^

christmas time! late post, it already came and went XD

hey everyone merry late christmas! :P wow its been. SO. long! O.o i cannot believe how long ive been gone, almost a month! gosh, i gess thats what happens when you just have nothing to say anymore hehe.

i went to gamestop yesterday with boyfriend and i loved the people in there! so many colors and styles and haircuts haha. there were quite a bit of emo teens there which i have to say i am quite fond of them haha! no matter how much people tease them, i happen to adore them loads! ^__^ people should really stop viewing them badly, i think its amazing to be strong and be a certain way even while knowing how people view it. i wish i could pull off the hair! i can do fei zhu liu/ulzzang hair but i dont think emo hair is really my look. ill stick to the more japanese/korean/chinese cuts. i noticed and found it odd that of all places to find an abundance of skinny/thin people that it was a game shop haha. and it wasnt only the emo style teens, it was your everyday person as well. usually one could assume to find bigger people at a game shop rather than anywhere else just for the fact that gamers are often taken to be the sort of people who sit on their asses all day gaming and eating XD but not today ^.^ (ha, and i talk about labels, look at me using labels :P i gess it just happens sometimes though i use them in a non-mean way as compared to some) i wished i could have taken photos of them but the store was so small and so packed that it would have been obvious :/ curses!


i can now say that i am strong enough to knock over boyfriend! XD well, in a very painful way of going about it anyway :P i walked into the dam door! i was walking in, while on the other side of the door, boyfriend was walking out. i must open doors with force or something because i knocked him over HAHA! XD it hurt so bad, i couldnt see out of my eye for a bit. my glasses pushed into my eye and made me involuntarily cry hehe. im surprised i do not have a black eye! thought i do have a light colored line-shaped bruise on the side of my eye.


christmas was an amazing success! my favorite part of christmas is the buying and searching for things to make people i love smile and watching them open it =) 2 months ago i bought a doggie candy cane squeak toy and have been sleeping with it every night. i wanted my smell to be on it so my christmas present, at home in hawaii, could smell me. (my dog chibi. i call her christmas present because i got her for christmas 12yrs ago). she loves to open presents on christmas but my mom said she stopped playing :( i hope she still wants to open it because she smells me...my mom is going to take a video of her for me =)

i got boyfriend an awesome pair of sexy skate shoes heeheee and he is so cute! he got me a necklace with a skeleton key and heart inscribed with our names. i love him dearly and deeply with all my heart! i had made him a christmas eve video for him. since i keep lovey dovey thing between us when no one else is around, i thought id make him a video to post on youtube...in front of the big big wide world, to show him that i am not ashamed ^//^ heeheee it makes me blush to know i made it and people are seeing it, but he loved it and im glad! i didnt tell him i made it. i just posted it from youtube onto his facebook wall and waited till he found it. well, he woke before me and found it and watched it and then came to wake me up with a big hug and the biggest cutest smiling face ive ever seen on him! heehee! ^.^ i love him so! i will show you the video but im going to take it down after a few days. i did not talk because well...i defo do not sound like a 21yr old girl, i sound more as if i am 12 haha! :P you girls have not seen me so...here i am ^//^

[video has been removed]

frozen dinners are EVIL!

when i get material and a sewing machine in the far future, i am sewing that sweater! haha i love it! :3

i havent written in a bit. its been stressful, hard, worrying, scary, painful and horrible for a bit. but things have calmed down so im back =)

gosh ive had the absolute worst period ever! it hurt so badly i couldnt move the other night. it gets bad after i miss a month and ive been missing every other month fo quite a while now. so, its been a bad period, every period -__- only this time was much worse.

ive sold 2 sweaters and im so happy! im almost finished with one :3 i wish there was a way for me to get more sales, its proving to be a bit difficult to get it out there. ive been looking for a job and have applies to about 7 places so far. its pretty limited since ive no experience but im trying my hardest! i aaalmost could have scored a photography job though but i lack the proper equipment...haha i gess that means i cant say almost haha! i wish! ive to save up at least $1000 before i even think of a photography job! O.o speaking of photography, ive been debating on beginning a photography blog. of course i take picture alot but i havent been taking quite as much as i should be. im very harsh on my photos so my photography portfolio is lacking.

as for my eating, ive been eating more salads for lunch/dinner, baby carrots/apples for snacks. ive been feeling pretty good about myself food-wise. oh goodness, beside one huge mistake i made last week! i was having a good day and let myself have a frozen dinner. bad idea, i cannot say it enough, bad bad bad idea! 1) i ended up eating the entire thing even though i was full halfway through -__- it was a hungryman. hungry. MAN! not hungrygirl, not hungryfemale, not hungrywoman, hungryMAN. so its obviously bigger, duh. 2) it was greasy and i overkilled on the bbq. 3) frozen dinners/pre-packages foods are not very good for your body in the first place. 4) it started a binge feeling which was super hard to control. i was already full from the hungryman but i still ate other things. and last/worst of all, 5) after i ate it i looked on the back. it was...900calories! O.o holy. SHIT! thats my cal limit! (my "healthy" daily cal amount is 1200, if i was eating up to that amount, that would leave me only 300 for the rest of the day!) so obviously i totally hated myself after that and wanted to purge it so badly. i ate my whole daily allowance in one meal not to mention what i had eaten previously that day. tsk tsk tsk, shame on me. never again hungryman, never again.

welp, ive got to get back to the sweater! ^__^

there is So much i want to do! but gess who made progress?!

last night as i lay on my back in my undergarments, propped up by my elbows, i saw something i wish i hadnt. my flubbery ass bulges past the sides of my hips. it nearly engulfs them. it is so jello-y and large that i couldnt tell where my thighs ended and my backside began until i sat up O.o to me, that is not natural, that is not a bit beautiful, that is not a girlish figure. its horrible and not something that should be there! i expect to see a bit of my ass when i lay in that position, but never would i have expected it that much! i had to keep looking to be sure i wasnt overweight again. every time i pictured myself i swore when i peaked id be as i was at 14.


i have never admitted how overweight i was then, but i suppose as long as i never go back EVER, it doesnt matter. (i forbid myself and vow never to pass 107lbs. 100 is bad enough, 99 is ok i suppose. seeing the numbers 100 + on a scale i step onto is one of my biggest triggers and fears; along with excessive use of butter/oil, feeling over full and seeing/noticing my fat) ...i was almost 40lbs overweight T.T when i sat on the toilet my thighs went overside the seat rim, i had rolls in the rolls in my tummy, not one section of my thighs had any space space between them what-so-ever (ill elaborate on that in a bit). i bet if i tried to have sex at that age, whoever was gross enough to fuck that nasty body couldnt get their dick past my thighs to get to where it needs to go! i bet they'd end up using my thighs as a hole instead haha! my face was chubby as hell, i had a double chin, i had braces and though i loved and miss them, they did not help my appearance...i looked horrible! i know 40lbs overweight is not nearly as far gone as some and you may think i am making a big deal of a little thing; but i hated myself more than any other period in my life and that emotion is real enough. i absolutely abhorred my image. no pictures ever unless i was forced. i only have but a handful of pictures that included me in my teens. my appearance was poor because i had no enthusiasm; why make yourself nice if no matter what you wear you are ugly? and on rare occasions i tried to do myself up, id look in the mirror and never be good enough. any pictures taken of me, i hated and cringed to look at. people who say i must have been a cute kid are out of their mind. unless fat kids are your thing, then you wouldnt want to know. at 14 my doctor looked at me in that parenting way as if to say "honey, you need to take responsibility"and suggested i exercise and eat healthy. it was the first time i had heard of the 5-6 meal a day lifestyle change. though i abused it gradually with ana for 7yrs, it is not a starvation/anorexic diet as some think, but a healthy lifestyle change that everyone should really consider whether they are trying to lose weight or not. at 17 she noticed i lost 28lbs in a short amount of time and inquired if i was anorexic or bulimic. now what child would admit to that? though i didnt know i was at the time. halfway into my 19th year was when i first discovered that throwing up and not eating is not normal. before then i didnt think anything, it was just my normal routine.......sorry, i rambled ^^'


anyway i said id elaborate on the thighs. 7yrs ago, the whole length of my thighs touched from my crotch down to my knees, but i got that to go away to where it only touches at the very top and you would only know if im in my undergarments/bikini. i have gained 10lbs in the last month and my thighs were touching more than just at the top. that grossed me out. so, a plus side to last night, when i was laying down: i got more of my gap back!!! :D a couple weeks ago, no matter if i laid down on my back with my knees bent, my thighs would still touch. now they dont! :D i can pass a finger through without it touching at all! now if i can pass 3 fingers side by side then that will give me the gap i want when i stand up! yay! its working! im toning my thighs slowly but surely. that made up for my horrendous ass :P its getting toned gradually as well though.


i want to do SO many things! every night i lay there next to boyfriend and think of all of it. im so excited for the day they happen that it takes me a while to sleep some nights :3 i want to get a sewing machine and sew me clothes, i want to make a vegetable garden with bricks or a wood box, i want to have a flower garden, i want to crochet so many things, i want to learn to knit, i want to build things, i want to buy things, i want to get charcoal and draw (its my best medium), i want paints, i want to learn to draw better, i want to take ceramics and photography, i want to take a yoga class and a dance class perhaps ballet, and lastly, the most hypocritic: i want to model. that is the least of the rest but its something im casually interested in.


the reason i say "hypocritic" is that i hate my figure. does someone who hates their figure want photos taken of them? no haha not usually. ive pondered on that for some time now and i realized it last night. i am at a weight which it is possible to use clothing as an illusion. like i said, unless you saw me in my panties you wouldnt see my thighs touch and unless i lifted my shirt you wouldnt know ive tummy fat because i wear over-sized clothing ^__^

oook, so this post was ALL over the place! i hope you can make sense of it ^//^ im tired and my mind is just everywhere. ill try for more organized rambling next time haha.

thin and body-loathing, or fat and body-loving?

gosh that picture is amazing! i didnt notice the doe standing in the background and the one laying behind her until the moment i put it in my post ^__^ she just looks so magical and...well, something i cant put into words. this is an amazing photo. whoever made it did a wonderful job.

ive been looking around the LB forums and ive noticed that 90% of the time, the girls who say they are fat and have a bad figure are skinny or thin and the girls who say they are thin and glad to be shaped like a twig are on the chubbier side with thick thighs and a backside on the larger side. interesting really. it kind of makes you think you have to be chubby to have confidence O.o hahaaa no thanks! XD id rather spend my life hating my body and actually being skinny than being the girl who thinks she looks good. i mean, nothing wrong with some self confidence and loving your body but thats just not how i want to be.

i saw the co-star from the new thriller, black swan, on jimmy kimmel tonight. she said she lost 20lbs for the movie. she said she exercised loads, did alot of ballerina training and ate fist-sized meals 5x a day. she said she was always hungry??? i dont get that. if you eat every 2-3hrs, once your tummy adjusts, your never hungry cuz your tummy never gets a chance to be empty, so how in the world was she hungry all the time??? when i actually get myself to eat that way without feeling like a pig for looking like i eat all the time (not to mention eating when my tummy doesnt growl for food makes me feel like a gluten). eating fist-sized meals is something doctors are trying to get more people to do on a daily basis as a lifestyle change because it is much healthier than eating 3x the amount 3x a day. its bad for digestion and metabolism. also, if you ask me, she looked gorgeous in the movie! i have no idea what would posses her to go back O.o

i went to the grocery today! i got a bag of romaine lettuce hearts, baby carrots, a cucumber, 3 gala apples, a cup of plain yogurt, tuna, almonds, lite italian dressing (surprisingly kind on the calories!), and some popcorn :P i like my sweets, it kettle corn ^^ so i had salad for dinner tonight! yay! man it feels good to eat right! it makes all the difference because i feel good about myself today, almost wonderful in fact =) though ive been slacking on the exercise, only been doing my routine once a day, but im glad i havent stopped.

grocery list and some good recipies!

as you probably know, im a list maker ^//^ so ive made a list of what i plan to buy once i get a steady income...though i found out today that kmart is no longer hiring; after i waited almost a month for my app to be reviewed and was told it would be gotten too. i was so hopeful -__- oh well. anyway heres what i got!

ahi
artificial crab
avocado
bananas
bean sprouts
broccoli
cabbage
canned crab
canned salmon
carrots

celery
crab
edamame
eggs

fat-free cheddar

fat-free cream of celery

fat-free cream of mushroom
furikake
garlic
grain bread
green beans
green grapes
green onions

i cant believe its not butter
japanese veggies
lettuce
mushrooms
nametake
oatmeal

oatmeal bread
ochazuke nori
onions
okinawan sweet potatos
panko
plain yogurt
plums

portabella mushrooms
rice

skim milk
salmon
spinach
spinach tortilla
sour cream
soy milk
swiss
tomatoes
tofu
wakame
won bok
yogurt

ive made several recipes, most of which i thought of as i made my grocery list. i tried to make them simple and require the same ingredients so i have more choices with less groceries to buy. the majority of them have a japanese/asian twist to them to meet my taste buds ^__^

1) rice, edamame, wakame, nametake
2) rice, tofu, salmon or ahi, shoyu
3) stir fry: rice, crab, mushrooms, tofu, broccoli, bean sprouts, green beans, shoyu, sesame oil, salt, pepper
4) stir fry: cabbage, salmon or ahi, mushrooms, green beans, celery, garlic or shoyu, pepper
5) low-cal seafood sandwich: crab, salmon or ahi, plain yogurt, grain or oatmeal bread, pepper
6) salmon and mashed potatoes meal: salmon, mashed potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onions
7) mushroom burger: portabella mushrooms, salmon or ahi, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, plain yogurt, pepper, lemon juice
8) salmon patty: salmon, potato, eggs, onion, panko
9) fry rice: rice, broccoli, fat-free cream of mushroom, fat-free/skim milk, onions, low-fat/reduced-fat cheddar
10) broccoli soup: broccoli, fat-free cream of celery, celery, onions, mushrooms, low-fat/reduced-fat cheddar
11) curried tofu rice: rice, tofu, mushrooms, curry powder

I CANT WAIT TO GET A JOB AND EAT HEALTHY! :D ive been having a chain of several bad body image days recently T.T i mean, i almost always have a bad body image but lately it has been much worse. i need to do something soon and change the way i eat. its bad for me mentally and health wise. as long as i eat healthy i feel better mentally. this morning i had toast with a thin layer of honey, blueberries and blueberry tea and i felt great all day and defo more motivated! no grease, no butter, no oil, just a smile and my mind accepting food and actually enjoying it! :3 starting my day with one good food decision helps me tremendously throughout the day!



gosh i want to COOK! i miss cooking! i cooked quite a bit and have always wanted to try new recipes and try my hand at making my own. too bad no one would eat my cooking really haha! its all made with veggies and asian flavors so...more...for me? ...not sure i can relate to that statement today but im trying...i can on some days :P ive been good about keeping my calories above 500 though. when i first started recov i was only able to eat 300cal a day. well, when i regained control of myself after my out of control pre-recovery binging which i regret HORRIBLY! being re-introduced to food after eating 200cal or less a day is rrreeeaaalllyyy bad! it made me binge :P i went back to sneaking downstairs and eating a ton almost everyday, sometimes 2-3x its appalling how much i can eat and bloat during a binge! O.o and the wost part about it is i couldnt purge anymore if i wanted to stay here so...i gained weight in all the wrong places -__- most recoveree's that eat way more than they are used to without gradual transition usually gain all the weight back into their mid/lower section...ya, isnt it nice how you find that out after the fact? -__-

ive been reading this book entitled "Dracula, My Love". im only a few pages in but im in love with it! ive had it for 2 weeks and havent read much :P but im getting more into it now.

ummm...update? (sometimes a title is hard to come up with)

well it seems ive gained a bit of blogging inspiration. i was going through lazy phase where didnt exactly feel like blogging but now ive been keeping up with it a bit better. ive been working on new patterns for my puppie crochet business =) some are a little harder than others like this certain puff stitch sample pattern ive done and re-done 15x, but im trying my hardest! ive also been trying to get that job at kmart! getting a job there has proven to be quite harder than i thought, its been almost a month since i called in -__- i went in today but the hiring manger wasnt there and they suggested i come back tomorrow at 8am so im going to do that.

as far as exercise and stretching goes...ive been a bad girl! ive misseds 2 days! i can feel the difference already O.o i was going to start again today but that would mean i missed an even amount of days, so im starting back tomorrow instead, making it 3 days ive missed :P NO EXCUSES! i found out that stretching the areas in your thighs that you have worked out is a very important factor in slimming thighs. since you use your legs muscles most out of all your muscles in your body (because you use them to walk and get from place to place), they bulk up alot quicker than your other muscles would when you exercise them. so Beck, you were right! doing squats will slim them down in the beginning (which, gladly, they have slimmed down considerably from what they were) but as you keep doing them, it will start to bulk up your thighs and your ass bigger! O.o sooo...ya, i dont want that! im going to cut way down on the squats! im going to work on leg lifts, and make sure i stretch my legs out well after im done. that will also be good to improve my flexibility =) last month it was So poor! i could barely reach the middle of my shins in a toe touch much less grab by toes! but now i can grab my feet; if i do a standing toe touch i can touch my hands flat to the floor! next thing to work on are splits.


this is a picture of how i want to cut my hair =) i want whats on the left, im on the right :P (ya, not one of my best pics but the only one i have where you can get the gist of how my hair is now) im not sure if ive posted this before with a different picture. i had wanted to do it differently before but i hadnt taken into consideration that it wont look the same on me as it does on the girl i saw it on, plus i have glasses. i once cut my hair without considering my glasses and they caused my hair to poke my eyes X.x anyway im really excited for this! =) im looking forward to seeing something different when i wake in the morning and look in the mirror. ive been trying to figure out what to do with my boring hair for about 5yrs now O.o im very nervous when it comes to cutting it, every haircut ive had ive regretted so im ready to change that!

lastly for this post, there is something i dont quite understand: im eating 600cal more than i was but my hair still falls out like crazy, i still spot sometimes instead of getting a full monthly period if i get it at all, my nails are still thin and sort of see-through, i still get weak, my skin is still so dry and i still have such bad blood circulation! my legs and arms/hands fall asleep alot. im eating healthier now...wait, let me rephrase that: im eating more now so why all the symptoms??? the only thing that has gone away is that blue-ish thing that was going on with my nails. well, that and the severity of the dizzy migraines. i think maybe the reason could be from what i eat versus how much i eat.