and my dreams become nightmares

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I'd just had some food and was looking over my intake for the day up until then. When I looked over to the packaged trays of whatever I'd just had, I began to think: "Oh god, I missed some calories... I calculated wrong!...I'm over by so much!" Panic struck my chest hard like a sledge hammer, I couldn't breathe. Suddenly the wrapping of the packaged food began to move like something alive was inside! The packaging tore open and a hand came out. It was a dead woman crawling out've the package and coming toward me! She resembled the missed calories and the fear I have of going over my calorie limit. It sounds like a rather silly nightmare to be afraid of but it terrified me! I woke with a sharp breath as if I hadn't been breathing for a few minutes. My chest hurt when I woke.

I walk into work today and my coworker, Tonya, asked if I was alright. I was feeling rather weak and fatigued but I didn't say that. As far as anyone needs to know there I'm absolutely brill. She said I looked sickly. Gee fanx, what a lovely compliment.

Later I asked Jax why our oatmeal cookies in the cookie drawers say 220 per, our nutrition pamphlet says 210 per and the stickers for our new packaged individuals say 190 per. That makes absolutely no sense at all considering we get our cookies in bulk bags as frozen dough pre-cut into cookie rounds. They're the same cookies from the same bags yet they've three different caloric values??? I questioned for personal inquiry of course, but also b'coz a customer had recently asked. She lifted a brow at me and replied: I dunno. Does it look like I count calories?? I said I didn't either and was just wondering. "Oh yes you do, I know you do." Now I'm nervous a bit. I said that sort've thing took too much time and effort and I am much too lazy. The topic just dwindled from that.

And later still, she said to me: I don't see how it's possible, but it actually looks like you're loosing weight?? I said it was probably b'coz I tuck in my work shirt all the way now, I don't leave any poof, and I also got new fitting pants. She agreed. I honestly wouldn't see how it's possible either. My numbers have gotton bigger, not smaller.

I'm currently 98.5. Gained a pound. But I'm glad it's not something more. Though I feel so bloated lately the one pound makes no difference. It feels like 5. My own fault though really. It's definitely water retention. I've been a bad girl lately, not having enough fluid most certainly. I have been well not binging and have been sticking to 900 kcal or below. I've missed my last period in October and Rob is becoming concerned. I asked if he was worried about me being pregnant {it's too early for any showing, but honestly I've pondered about that. My tummy is pooching a bit, though I would never know if it was anything b'coz I can't see myself for what I am}. He's more concerned for my physical health. Worried something is wrong. I was too afraid to tell him that I know why.

I couldn't say it b'coz I can't admit it. I won't admit it. Not out loud. I just need to get back down to a tolerable weight before I admit anything b'coz then if I do, I'll have to stop. I couldn't stand it if I stopped now.