Rob and I had coffee together this morning. I can't recall the path to the topic, but he mentioned that he is worried about me. Worried that something is wrong. "I'm worried b'coz you eat a lot but you're losing weight. Something's wrong. That's not normal..." I didn't know what to say. I asked if I really am losing weight or if it's really that he knows what I am capable of {or was capable of}. I asked this b'coz for the last month and a half I have been ping ponging between 43kg - 45kg. How could anyone notice any weight-loss with such subtle and constant fluctuations? No one noticed during the three days I managed to keep to 43kg, but they notice when I am 44kg?? He said that I really am losing weight, that it isn't just my past in his mind and that my bones are showing badly. In all honesty I do not believe this is true and I've the scale proof to back it up. I do not believe he is lying, but I do not believe it is true either. I think the past is affecting his judgement. I am only 43.8kg. I was 43.1kg when he first met me,
when he told me I was beautiful when he could not leave me alone about my, so called, beauty
when I only had a kids 4pc nuggets and mini fries a day
when no one cared that I only ate dinner
when no one knew anything was wrong with my eating
when no one knew anything
when no one saw me
He said he rather I be at 50kg. Insanity!!! Never!!! I would consider staying where I am, but never would I willingly go up a single notch on the scale. If I ever do, it would be against my will.
43kg.
Just let me get to 43kg.
Just .8 more to go.
Not at all long ago, I was thinking:
I need an appetite suppressant, or rather a flipping mind suppressant really. Or maybe I just need a gun with one bullet, or a few muscle relaxers and a full bathtub, or a really long strand've rope, etc., the thoughts went on.
I received nature's lovely monthly gift and was devistated.
I thought: Wow I really must be eating a lot to get it back, I really am disgustingly fat aren't I?
Today I am doing so much better; working slowly, litto bits at a time. I cannot believe I've made it back to... 43.8kg! {haha I try in vain to get used to metric. It's used much more than standard in Japan.}
I am aiming to stop the binges before I attempt to begin restriction again. Though really, as I practice my method to stop the binging, I'm still within my limit. I've been afraid've posting what I've been doing that has been stopping my binges. I'm afraid that once I mention it aloud --anywhere other than in my mind-- it'll stop working. It's been going well for nearly a week now and I am afraid of going backward. Terrified honestly. I don't want to feel the despair and worthlessness I feel when I binge. I can't bare that anymore. Each day, each time I go through yet another cycle, I come closer to wanting it all to end.
This is my flicker of hope. Forgive me. I want to hold on to this glow of light, nurture it and help it to grow for a bit longer. I want to allow it to mature and become stronger before I release it.
Elegant
Pure
Dignity
Aww he cares. <3 hang in there doll, fight those depressed thoughts. You got this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your fluctuations are water weight and muscle building and you're looking thinner while not losing weight? I plateaued on the scale for two months but lost mega inches because I was building muscle 0.0;
ReplyDeleteNooooooooooo please don't die! Please don't. You're too awesome to die. Please stay, ok?
Lol everywhere BUT America uses metric :p I love metric because when you get into the triple digits you KNOW you're fucked, but with pounds everyone is in the triple digits and it's just fucking STUPID. It also takes more work to lose a kilo than a pound so you feel more accomplished.
I understand worrying about jinxing yourself. It's ok, you don't have to tell anything. Build it so it has a strong foundation and storms can't blow it away.
Love you so much Kii *huggles*
P.S.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been replying to comments as much as I should either. I'm sorry Kii *hugs*
OMG YOU'RE SO RIGHT! Just because someone dresses sexily does NOT mean they want to be groped or fucked by any passing random. It's a disgusting attitude and one we need to change.
Oh man, going from Hawaii to a cold-as footy game must have been killer. We get so many student from up north where it's warmer bitching about how cold it is here because they don't know how to dress for the weather. You'd think we rode polar bears around the streets when you hear them go on about it!
Love you so much Kii. Sending you warm hugs back and climbing gear to help you get out of the bad parts of the mind <3