long rambling emotional post

I had an alright Thanksgiving. Ate just a piece or a mini scoop of each thing (except gravy): strip of turkey, a mini e sweet potato, tiny tiny scoop of green beans b'coz there was butter, mini scoop of stuffing, itty bitty scoop of mashed potatoes. I was so nervous and afraid! Afraid of the food putting me back in a binge cycle, afraid that someone would comment on how much I was eating, afraid someone might comment on how little I was eating. I didn't know whether it was to much or too little in their eyes. I calmed myself by reminding myself that I am eating based on what "I" can handle, not how much they think I should be eating. Though I admit I felt like all eyes were on me. I know that others at the table glance at each other's plates now and again, but b'coz I know what I struggle with, when someone glanced over at my plate, it felt like I was being checked on. But in the end it turned out alright.

I was so upset and frustrated the other day. It was the first time I'd seen my boss since my ex stopped by several days ago. She made a joke saying: So have you drank from any rose petals recently?

Hardy har har. I'm laughing up a storm right now, it's so funny. And my friend Jax laughed right along with her. Ha ha, it's so funny that I have mental problems and you all know about what a wack job I am now b'coz my ex is an immature prick.

I knew I shouldn't've texted him but I was upset and threw caution to the wind. Here is how it went :P

~Thanks, I got my boss making fun of me now and Jax is laughing along with her. You can be proud of yourself now, you hurt me for hurting you (b'coz I left him).
•That's not true I thought you said you never wanted to talk to me again you made your decision (he has no sense of grammar and it kills me).
~Whatever.
•Well I tried to tell you we could be friends and like usual you make everything an attack on you like you said I'm done with it I've moved on so either were friends or were not end of story (look who's playing high and mighty).
~What happened to you Anthony?
•I'm tired of it all just like you are you don't want to talk to me don't... Nothing happened to me I'm still the same person I was when you met me but who are you is the question.
~I'm someone only my mum knows and no one else needs to know. I shouldn't've texted in anger, but after my boss began talking and laughing about what you told them, of course I was angry. If you meant no harm like you say, you would have known enough not to leak out personal information like that regardless on whether you "figured" they would know. Things like that ruin jobs and most likely if this keeps up I will have to leave here shortly.
•If you were mature you would have given me a real reason why you dumped me and told me you were cheating when you was and when you said never to talk to you again you wouldn't text me antagonizing a fight you have made me life hell and I tried to put it behind us but instead you decide to try to make my life hell now I'm with my girlfriend you want to talk this out then fine but you can meet me somewhere cause this hiding behind walls is immature talk to me face to face or like magic make my number disapear you say I need to grow up listen to yourself.
~Who cheated?! I never cheated on you! I've never cheated before. I don't know where you got that from but whoever told you that is an idiot. And who's hiding?i told you why we broke up. I'm sorry if I never wanted you to know the severity of my mental issues. Also, like I said, I texted out've anger and I admitted I shouldn't have. Sine that letter wasn't good enough for you as a reason why I left you, it's b'coz I'm fucking anorexic alright!!! (I'm not anymore. I should've said eating disordered but in the heat of the moment I didn't want to explain what eating disorder I have) I didn't want you to know b'coz I felt you couldn't handle that on top of everything else that is wrong with me. I felt you are young and have a lot of life left, more so than I, and I felt selfish for staying with you. There is too much wrong wih me. You deserve a good girl. I'm not one. That is the ultimate reason that I've hidden.
•I don't care about your many excuses like I said I put that shit behind me and out of depression and desperation to be happy I found someone who gives a shit and isn't disgusted of me or have excuses for commitment issues we've been together every bit as long as you and I have I'm happy so you have two choices we can be friends or you can get over yourself and move on I don't give a shit anymore
~I knew you couldn't handle me... You just proved it. Have a nice life to you too.

I love how he randomly came to the conclusion I cheated and tells me to get over myself. I have no idea how he came to that b'coz he doesn't talk to anyone I know unless my coworker/friend told him that. (I use the term loosely. I say friend b'coz I used to live with her and she is the better one at my job, but really she is just as backstabbing as everyone else.) I knew I shouldn't've texted him but I was so angry. And then I knew I shouldn't've mentioned anything about my ED b'coz it isn't his business anymore. He angers me b'coz he twists things around and places blame on me where it shouldn't be. I accept that I am to blame for hurting his fragile heart and for being a part of it in the first place, but the rest is from an unknown place. Perhaps he needs to blame me. For some stupid reason I felt like I needed to prove myself. I felt I needed to clear the air and make him know I never cheated and that I left him b'coz I knew I was bad for him. He is only 18, I'm 23, it was forbidden territory to begin with. He seemed mature at first but I know now he was putting on a face for me. He most likely didn't want me to feel the age difference.

After the accident, I couldn't help but feel the age difference. It should have never happened. He wasn't paying attention to the road, he was driving too fast for the area we were crossing and he hit a car. I had a concussion among other things, nothing too severe but it woke me up. After that I realised, I understood that he is just beginning. I had no right to take that away. My darkness, my mental issues, my ED, would have taken from his beginning. He shouldn't have to have a girlfriend who always needs comforting and is always battling her mind. I felt he should have someone young, someone vibrant like him, someone who is beginning life as well, not someone who has already seen it. It's only a 5yr difference, but with my past and struggles, my mind feels old and tired.

And yet I feel like the naive child out of place among my peers. How is that? I feel like I know things others couldn't comprehend and yet when I am among others my age I feel like the young litto girl who knows nothing of the big world. And yet, I've tried, on many occasions, to have a meaningful/deep conversation with people, but they don't seem to understand what I'm talking about. When I try to speak to someone who I think could talk back, I'll say something like: Do you ever feel lost? Lost within yourself, lost in your mind? They'll either look at me like I'm nuts or ask me to define what I mean, and even though I do, it never goes anywhere. It seems only those with deep seeded issues can talk back to me. Not that I want to talk about my problems with everyone, it just makes me feel so far away from everyone. So pointless.

Sometimes I'll think something funny and laugh to myself. And then I'll want to share it with someone but before I do, I'll think: Why? Why share it? What's the point? They'll laugh a litto bit and it'll be over. Why say anything? Attention? What an attention whore. Just shut up and do what you're doing. Nobody cares what you have to say. Sometimes I feel that way about blogging and that is sometimes the reason why I don't blog for a while. Usually it's b'coz I don't have a laptop anymore and blogging from an iPod is rather difficult. 

Well, I think it's finally over between Anthony and I. I'm glad though. He can move on and maybe one day I can stop feeling so guilty.