Well, I was doing wonderfully. I was bringing lunch to work, avoiding binges. But today I worked day-shift. With my boss, aka Dragon Lady. She rode me hard today. I really didn't want or feel like eating in front've anyone. {Especially not after being called a fat pig yesterday.} I feel shame in admiting that I almost hate that cold-hearted woman. She essentially punished me for everyone's short-commings. She addressed each matter as "you guys" yet all the while she stared hard at me; her oddly shaped, fallacious eyes with sloppy, smeared, thick eyeliner spoke to me directly, while passing a few words in Josh's direction. Almost as if to say: I am speaking to her b'coz she's a fucktard and has absolutely no idea what in hell she is doing...but I'm sorry, I have to muster whatever professionalism I can and address the both of you...but really, I'm addressing her. She must've had some fun using me to relieve her stress today. Playing the chess board, moving me wherever she desired.
"You guys at night shift don't do anything. You open boxes halfway and leave me to unpack them. You need to start helping! Open these boxes and unpack them."
I figured I'd warm the ice by making it easier for everyone by unpacking more than just one box. 45min in the freezing walk-in, trying to right whatever went wrong. I was SO cold! Where did that get me?
"Has it EVER looked like this? Did I SAY to do that?"
"I thought I'd make it easier for everyone and do a bit more."
"But I think I remember telling you one box. Have you EVER seen it like this?! That's good leave it!"
She makes it extremely difficult not to curse...
Beside my moaning about the witch, b'coz I couldn't bring myself to eat at work, I suppose I felt deprived. I had a small cup of vanilla frozen yoghurt with some coconut slivers and almond slivers. An apple when I got home. And lost control an hour ago with 2 Riesens, a half slice've pumpkin pie, 3tbsp Redi Whip --and here is the shame-- I snuck Rob's dad's chicken sandwich from the ice box. I dunno, I saw it, lost it and ravenged the whole thing. I squatted in front've the ice box looking up to see if I needed to hide! WHO does those kinds of things! Ugh, I disgust myself.
I'm so tired of being talked about and treated less than or as if I don't measure up to whoever it is who is speaking to me. Dragon Lady, several coworkers, ex boyfriend, ex friends. Whenever I finally feel comfortable enough to open up, my problems are less than and I have it easy. Everything about me is taken lightly and I cannot stand it. I am cursed with this bubbly happy-go-lucky mask I have made to hide in. It is all anyone can see, even when I show them the real me. They bypass me and say:
What is so bad in your life that you are like this?
Why are you stressed?
Just ignore the voices.
Just don't do you OCD habits.
Just just just, why why why, you are nobody no one nothing.
I know. And I will show just how much I know this. I will disappear. And in the process you will see my strength.
I'm so tired of being talked about and treated less than or as if I don't measure up to whoever it is who is speaking to me. Dragon Lady, several coworkers, ex boyfriend, ex friends. Whenever I finally feel comfortable enough to open up, my problems are less than and I have it easy. Everything about me is taken lightly and I cannot stand it. I am cursed with this bubbly happy-go-lucky mask I have made to hide in. It is all anyone can see, even when I show them the real me. They bypass me and say:
What is so bad in your life that you are like this?
Why are you stressed?
Just ignore the voices.
Just don't do you OCD habits.
Just just just, why why why, you are nobody no one nothing.
I know. And I will show just how much I know this. I will disappear. And in the process you will see my strength.
I'm expecting tomorrow to be just fine though. I'm back on my usual shift and will be able to eat during. Josh takes a bunch've smoke breaks which I use to nibble my box lunch in secret.
Sketch progress photos soon!!!
Babe i can totally relate. Cunt of a boss, nasty, bitch. Demanding, intimidating, scary. Fuck that.
ReplyDeleteDon't you hate when you cant vent? Or you do and nobody gives a shit. Forget the exboyfriends, ex friends, all those fuckers. Particularly the bitchy drama starting work friends. Fuck your haters, you are better than that. Oh and about the sandwich...shit happens. It's okay. Head up, today is a new day. And you arent fat.
Omfg your boss is a bitch. I hate people like that, the ones who decide to pick on ONE person and make EVERYTHING that worker's problem. It's so not cool.
ReplyDelete*Huggles* It's ok. People with EDs do that. People who are so hungry their body autonomously starts seeking out food do that. People who use food as a coping mechanism do that. You're not alone and you're not a freak, ok? It's a way of dealing with bad shit.
Nobody has any right to belittle the problems of others. They can't crawl into your head and see the processes and past experiences that make something that looks little to them into something really massive for you. They need to STFU and use their bloody brains for half a minute. Writing people off is just as pathetic as playing the one-upping game and people need to STOP doing it. Ugh, both things make me want to punch people!
Sending you tons of love from across the seas <3