"Dear dad,
I know I said I wouldn't want to speak to you again if you ever did it again, but I feel that was heartless of me. Since saying that, I've realised that it is not my place to judge, and for me to say that is a form of judgement. It ruled out any chance for change and that isn't understanding. It doesn't show love, it is giving rules, it is not right.
My realising this has come from a selfish place, however. My troubles with food brought me to see that the mind is nothing to fool with. It will do what it wills, when it wills. It takes great will-power to overcome the mind and there will be slip ups. I have experienced it myself time and time again. I say: never again. And there is a next time despite that.
What would I do if you or mum said to me: if you binge, if you purge, if you eat less than a healthy 1200 calories, we will never speak to you again. What would I do?? How would I ever be able to live up to such a standard?? I couldn't. I would be alone.
I am sorry."
My father's friend called me this morning. Gave me his cell number and address... I know it's silly to be sad and upset that he's back in jail after just getting out two months ago, b'coz I knew it would happen. But I have no place to feel sad, in reality I am history repeated. I've always felt I am not like him. I have always fought to be different than he was/is. To be better than he was/is, but I finally realised, I am just like him. I may not be hurting my loved ones in a way like he is, but I do hurt them and myself just as well. I have an addiction just as he does. I listen to it just as he does. It calls to me just as drugs calls to him. He steals to feed his addiction as well as I. I never wanted to be my father's daughter, but it happened anyway. It crept up on me at a naïve age when I couldn't see it and now it is too late. I wish I could believe there is life for me beyond the eating disorder, beyond the compulsions and obsessions, beyond the voices, beyond the anxieties, the depression, the imaginative thinking, but this has been me for so long. I do not know life without it. I will embrace what I am and who I am, working with what I've got to become something better.
*Huggles*
ReplyDeleteAddiction runs in families. I've stayed away from drugs so I didn't end up like Mum but somehow it's turned to food and shopping instead of weed and alcohol. Fuck.
There is a life past it. You can use your imagination to escape and build a new life where you're not bound by chains of compulsion and anxiety. You're the heroine of your story, you choose how you will defeat the minsters with the tools at your disposal.
Love you so much <3