ABC and ana, forever till i die

i got lazy yesterday and did post XD plus i actually got sleepy around 5am! yay! so i got a considerably better amount of sleep last night! :D i feel completely well rested and refreshed! i screwed up yesteday with a fucking milano cookie! if i hadnt eaten it i could have ate my cup spinach and been perfect for the day but i had to fuck up :( its ok though because im not letting it turn the b/p back on! im just going to continue with ABC and im not stopping till its done. ill probably just continue recycling the ABC for...well, the rest of my life. cuz lets face it, am i gonna be happy once i reach 75lbs? i say yes now, but a few yrs ago i wanted to be 100lbs and said id be happy. to my knowledge i am 94 (because the last time i weighed was july 4), 7lbs less than what i wanted and am i happy? no, i am not. but lets say i actually am happy when i reach my 75lb goal, will i be able to eat normally without feeling like a fat-disgusting-horrible-weak-foolish-idiot slash fat-ass-pig? no. will i be able to stretch my stomach 3x its size like the rest of the world without feeling the extremely big and undying ugre to purge it? or even 2x its size for that matter? no, i will not. i will still have the same feelings i do about food then, as i do now. no matter how thin i may become, i know it is just a ;ie to keep pretending "everything will be fine when i reach it. ill be normal when i reach it. ill be like everyone else..." i know its not real, in the back of my mind, stuffed in a dusty old box, purposefully forgotten in the corner, i know the reality of it...and yet i ignore it because i dont want to think of what that means. i dont want to know how that plays out. this is one of the only times i will admit that i know this, but it doesnt change anything...because i will be happy when i reach 75lbs...

wow...now ooon to the happy! XD im quite surprised how much of an itreset boyfriend is showing my new hobby! :D its nice to be supported so fully! i really do want to be a model or photographer and being on LOOKBOOK.nu is a good step because it puts me out there and gives me incentive to dress up and actually model and see what i can do. im not too pleased with what ive done so far but i know i just have to develop my style and poses/facial expressions more; get more creative. my first look i picked my outfit and boyfriend picked the stage, but i didnt expect that he would really get into it like he is! the very next day he already had my next look planned out XD turns out he's got a litto style himself! different looks and stages have been racing around my mind 24/7 haha i feel like a dork sometimes but if it gets me closer to my dreams, do you think i give a shit?! not one pooping bit! XD

i saw a couple of friends on a bike today. around 13yrs old or so. one was pedaling and the other was on the back of the bike standing on the trick pegs and holding onto her friends shoulders. i started to imagine all the things i wanted when i was younger. i used to imagine a boyfriend who would do things like that with me: give me a ride on his bycicle, let me sit on his lap and kiss him in the park, chase me around the beach, randomly pick me up and put me on his shoulders...you know, all the cheesey romantic young couple stuf =) sometimes i can get boyfriend to do it, like the night we kissed in the rain during a thunderstorm, or when we visited home and kissed in the water at the beach, and sometimes when he sits on the couch and i lay next to him and put my legs on him and he rubs them. but for the most part we're just: a couple. like, its gotten to where we just are. we peck kiss alot throughout the day and randomly say "i love you" and we do cute things once in a while, but not really...am i being dumb to want that kind of thing? i suppose i am a litto because he did tell me before that when he doesnt have a job he feels a little down and worthless :( he said that when he has a job i will see a big change in him and like him better, not that i dont like him now, thats just what he said. i gess i shouldnt think too hard about it because when i first got here he was a bit more on the romantic side than he is now. probably because it was the beginning so him being down about not having a job went away for a time...ahhh haha i feel cheesey wanting romance haha but this is my first relationship so is that so bad? ^//^ i got a litto today though! yay! after i ate stir fry and boyfriend ate his pizza we took a walk and held hands ^__^ i like things like that. and you know what? im gonna ditch labeling boyfriend "xxx" in my posts, it sounds dumb and i call him boyfriend anyway so im just gonna say boyfriend from now haha when my friend found out i call him that she thought it was weird XD "i love you boyfriend." "hey boyfriend!" "boyfriend look!" haha doesnt sound so weird to me XD he's "boyfriend" and im "girlfriend" haha

i drew a pic today! tell me what you think! i put the pic i copied next to the one i drew. im not completely happy with it cuz it doesnt look like her really, but im ok with it =) seeing it side by side i see now that i didnt draw her hair wide enough at the sides of her head :P

and once again i have to slow down blogging, grrr
"you always type type type, what are you typing??"
"im talking to the girls on my blog." niiice one alice!
"you have a blog??!"
"i told you i did!" i did.
"no you didnt...your keeping secrets..."
"no im not! its just a blog.." i am but, is having a blog your other half doesnt read a cause for concern? i gess it is huh?...
"secrets..."
sooo that sucks!

my intake yesterday was:
1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 4:38p
1/2c Kix: 44cal 7:49p
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 10:30p
1 Pepperidge Farms Milano double chocolate cookie: 70cal 11:40p

249cal total

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my intake today is:
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 5:00p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 8:40p

2/3c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal 12:03
1 no-sugar/low-calorie Jell-o cup: 10cal

298cal total