i dont even want to log what ive eaten today but i have to :(
1 1/1 Slices of toast: 90cal 2:52p
1 1/2tsp Strawberry jelly: 7.5cal 2:52p
1 Red delicious apple, no skin: 80cal 6:17p
1/4c Shrimp chips: 26cal 8:03p
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 220cal10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Swiss cheese turkey wrap: 163cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Mini Milky Way candy bar: 190cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Chicken pita bread sandwich: 310cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Hostess Cinnamon Streusel Cake: 170cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
256.5cal over :'''(
1256.5cal eaten
i want to cry :'( i hate myself im so fat! im so gross i cant stop looking at my fat thighs and stomach its so gross. it takes three, THREE, hands to wrap around my thighs! :'''( and my stomach has a crease in the middle when i sit its so gross! its embarrassing to put this on the internet (even though i have no blogger followers) but maybe embarrassing myself about how disgusting i am will make me think twice the next time i think about doing what i did today. i better remember, the next time i tell myself "what the hell, i can always purge", i might not be able to purge and then ill be fat and gross for one more day longer. how the fuck do i have a boyfriend??!! what does he see?? he always says that im beautiful and to stop worrying, but i just dont see it. whats so beautiful about me??? i hate me!!!
"i dont look in the mirror, i dont like what i see staring back at me, everything is clearer, ill never see what you see...i was born so beautiful, but now im ugly...i know im nothing, i know theres nothing i can say...im good enough but i dont care, im good enough but im not there..."
ive had those days that my gag reflex refuses to toss up anything. its funny how hard our bodies fight things like that...
ReplyDeletei got past that though once i found the perfect purge toothbrush lol gross i know.
but hey, sometimes the extra calories pay off. i know that there have been more than a few times where after a few good days of starving, the binge really helps the metabolism kick into gear. and hey remember that it wont happen in one day so one bad day doesnt really matter. there is always tomorrow to kick ass. in fact, lets just pretend this day never happened
im missing huge chunks of the past yr on days that "never happened". :P
stay strong
meg
the way i got more followers was to jump onto random anna blogs and type "check out my kick ass blog" with the address attached.its a great way to connect with more girls like us.
yay! myfirst follower and first comment ^__^
ReplyDeletethanks! i appriciate what you said, its nice to have somebody comment on these things. i had one bofore but i decided to make a new one. ah! but it had to happen on the one i was embarrassed about O.o haha its ok though, its still good. good motivation for me to stick to it!