busy body

I've been utterly squirmy lately! I've just had an unstoppable urge to keep moving! I know for a fact it stems from guilt. I've been in control of how much I eat for the most part (unless my food pusher of a cousin is present or someone notices how "little" I've eaten). I know that my mind is compensating for the types of food I've been consuming by being obnoxiously and uncontrollably fidgety. I just can't help it! Before I realise it, I'm tapping, moving, swaying, rocking, and other nervous twitchy, squirmy habits.

My mum is having suspicions that I'm purging. I've been excusing myself to the restroom pre, during, and post meal. It's just that I try my utmost to keep myself well hydrated (less chance've water retention) and also I use the restroom to sneak in some: jumping jacks, squats, lunges, tricep dips, counter push-ups after my meals. I feel as if I'm doing something terrible when I exercise... so I've been lying about it. At dinner tonight, I said my tummy was upset (which it did feel like it was, for the moment, before I mentioned it), and excused myself to the restroom mid-dessert. I took the large, handicap stall, did 100 jumping jacks and as many lunges as I could. Then I just jump jump jumpjumpjumped around in the stall until I thought they'd start to miss me... I never cease to amaze myself at my ability to lie, manipulate and connive when it involves my inake. If it were anything else I'd be flushed, my eyes would be shifty and my voice would shake and come out rather choppy.

still on holiday

Oh how I miss my blog!!!!

I've been (and still currently am) on holiday at home. It's had it's pros and it's cons to deal with, but overall I'm enjoying it. I've missed my family's culture, it is a far cry from Ohio. I've missed my family and my baby pup as well. My heart aches for her; a lump forms in my throat and my eyes tear for her at times. She's always been such a loving companion, full of excitement, joy, life and intelligence. Her mind seems distant now, but a shadow of who she used to be. It may sound odd to speak of a pet in such a way; however, pre-move, she had a personality all her own: she lived indoors, she came running when laughter could be heard, she'd whine to play when children were at the park accross the way, she knew over 40 commands (both in voice command and silent handgesture). Now she barely knows her name and doesn't even twitch an ear when I say doggy treat?

She was my Christmas Present of '99. Up until the move in 2010, she was still a rambunchious pup for being 11 in human years. My mum's finances failed and they moved in with my grandparents. They do not allow pets indoors. As a result of ourdoor life, my once happy, bubbly pup is now detatched and merely existing. She shivers and hides from every strange sound, she barks and cries in fear of the dark and the fireworks (Chibi has always had an odd fear of the dark. She would tap the touch lamp with her nose when we were out past dark.) She is no pampered princess, but living outdoors is not for her. Indoors was all she ever knew, and after all my father had put her through when he lived with us, she has a sort of PTSD, though I'm not sure if animals can have that.)

It's been a bit rough being here, food-wise. Here, I've little to no control. There is a time to eat, a way to eat it and though I'm able to choose what I'd like to eat, I've little choice of where of what cuisine (there is a lot've take-out/fast food/restaurant food). There is a certain amount that I am expected to eat when the family is around as well (excluding times when it is just my brother, mum and her husband), and there are extremely unsafe foods I must eat (those I do not even eat in binge). Also, 99% of the time I've no idea or way of figuring the kcals in anything.

At first, it was torture.
I wished I'd never come.
I wanted to disappear.
I longed to be invisible.

But then, a good thing happened: I realised that b'coz I felt so entirely out've my element, embarassed, ashamed and self-conscious; I controlled my intake, as far as how full I became. No more binges! I've been binge-free since I've been here! Not a single food obsesssed thought (binge-wise), not a single sneaked food item, and my tummy has shrunk! My stomach itself that is. I am satisfied and become full quite quickly! I take the healthier choice wherever I can.

I say it now, but really I can only hope: I may be rid of my binge monster!

relieved to've lost my job

I don't have a job anymore. Rob needed to go to hospital and I wanted to be there for him. Regardless of all the difficulties my job presents, I've always put my job before everything, even myself. I wanted to choose to be there for someone for once, rather than choosing my job over them. And so I called my coworker Tonya and asked if she could take my shift. She said she'd check with dragon lady to see if she could without going over-time.

Dragon lady ended up firing me b'coz I told her "I need to call off." She wasn't going to let me and I knew that. She said: Well I'll just take you off the schedule, I'm done. He's a grown man." before she could say anything else I said alright and hung up. Part've me did it b'coz I needed to choose someone I love over my job for once and stop being afraid. The other part've me wanted my job over. No more stress from the people and no more stress from the constant food temptations.

...I'm leaving for home tomorrow... I'm so flipping scared its ridiculous! Anxiety level ten!

abs and butts

I wonder if I could be prescribed phentermine or something for binging. Even though I'm at 18.5 BMI, which is pretty much a lower normal weight. I just know I can't do this on my own. I also don't have a doctor or the money for one or for medication... far away dreams..

~~~

I've been trying my hardest not to count calories but to just pay attention to what I am eating rather than the number I am eating... Gosh it's sooo hard! I always end up regretting it and figuring I may's well toss everything in the trash since I've to dump it anyway.

I don't know...at least I'm trying? (nice excuse) I have no idea which way I'm supposed to go. I eat something without knowing the calories, believing I can handle it or that I am doing what's right. I tell myself it's okay. Afterward I freak out like a cat's post-startled hissing fit, thinking I was stupid to even try and "how can I even think I could handle it, I knew I couldn't I just wanted to be a pig-" sort've thing. I have been teeter-tottering this for months on end.

One month I'm almost ortharexic: mainly fruits and veggies, nothing processed, no salt, no refined carbs/no gluten, no added sugar, no sugar substitutes, no nothing that isn't strictly organic and natural. I'll have so much hope that I'm getting better and putting my food problems behind me.

Next month all that goes out the window. As long as it's low calorie I'll eat it, sugar substitute or not. I'll be complete controlled ana restriction with so much hope for myself: no more than x-calories per day, eat x-amount've times per day at exactly x-amount've hours in between and do x-amount've this type and that type and that type've exercise per day.

Next month I'm binging and can't stop. I start to eat feeling like I can handle it, after I've eaten I feel as if I've fucked myself so why stop there? Justifying it as "Well, it's easier if I eat more anyway." I wind up feeling disgusting, stuck in b/p cycle after b/p cycle, no enthusiasm for any exercise b'coz I'm a disgusting pig and feeling as depressed as ever.

Then the next month it progresses into actually liking and wanting that feeling after a b/p cycle. I end up eating mindlessly with nothing more than a tiny whisper of "remember the calories". I eat for the taste and the after feeling, not so much the binge, just the after feeling of knowing I am completely empty with nothing but bile and I am utterly exhausted and dizzy.

Then the next month I slowly regain myself and take it one step at a time, ending back at month one: orthorexia (or something like it I don't know).

Okay so it might not go by months exactly, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I really want some abs and a lifted, firm butt that doesn't flow loosely and just exist. I WANT ABS! That is the one steady thing... actually, here are all the steady unchanging things I've wanted:

slim feminine abs

a more toned firm butt that can hold it's own

at least a half inch gap between the thick of my thighs

Anyway, ABS!



Nice butts that I want!

And I just stuck this in b'coz I think the vintage mirror is cool ^^

400

On Sunday I worked with Cheri, who is also a doctor. She works full time as a doctor throughout the week and part time at Subway on weekends. My other coworker, Jax, had just gone to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. She was rather distressed about it, not understanding what that meant for her. Cheri, being Jax's aunt, began trying to calm her, explaining that "The chemicals in your brain are not balanced which is why you've been so up and down. It will never be stable unless you work with the medication and the doctor and try your hardest to be conscious of your thought process." she emphasised on never. That upset me and I've been depressed since then. I asked, "So what your essentially saying is: without medicine and/or a therapist, her mind is going to stay the same and she'll keep having anxiety attacks left and right?" She replied yes... Yes.

I have no money for a therapist. I have no money for medication. I tried to get better on my own and it made things worse. I can't do it alone but I don't have the money to get help... I am screwed.

I have been depressed b'coz of that. I feel like, why try? But then I have no idea which hole to put that peg in. Am I saying why try to eat? Or am I saying why try not to eat? I've noticed that my binges begin with my first taste of food for the day, which is followed by my mind's trickery. It asks me why I am trying to restrict calories when I've no need to. It tells me it's okay and that I should try to get better. And so I convince myself it is okay to eat. After I eat my mind tells me I've made a mistake and that I should've known better, I should've known not to let my mind trick me, I shouldn't have let myself believe I could handle it. So am I feeling: Why try to control myself and lose? Or: Why try get to better it's pointless?

The latter I believe b'coz I've'nt been able to consume more than 400 calories a day for the last 4 days. I'm exhausted. Not sure if it's the low intake or the depression. Both most likely.

Today Jax told me that she is feeling so much better now that she's taking the medication. She said her mind isn't so noisy and that she can think clearly. She said she's not worried and debating things that she worries about anymore. I felt guilty for it, but I really didn't want to hear it. I was and am envious. I'm a bit angry. I think frustrated is more the word. I know I shouldn't be b'coz she is better and that is a good thing... But I am so tired of this, I want to be better too...

I'm so tired of fighting, but I have to keep fighting b'coz I don't know what else to do.

I want to eat more than 400 calories. I know I should. But I can't. I just can't. I'm back to literally not being able to eat very much.

The last 4 days-

Breakfast- coffee or tea

Lunch: water, iceberg lettuce and olives

Dinner: cranberry juice, a sweet potato, green beans and corn.

Dessert: water, apple

twelve days till Christmas

Today is the first of December.

Twelve more days before I leave on holiday for home.

Nervous, excited, worried, anxious, afraid, happy, sad, terrified.

My mind tells me they will be angry with me. It says they are mad that I haven't called in so long or even written a letter. Hurt and upset that I haven't even wished a happy birthday or Thanksgiving to anyone. I was stuck in my mind. Afraid to call. Afraid to write. Afraid of being judged and ridiculed. And I don't know why. Why would they do that? What am I afraid of? Why am I so afraid to see them? I am excited to see my puppy, extremely so! But... Not for any other reason... Why? Perhaps b'coz she will not judge me. But when I stop to reason, why would my family judge me? I have been through so much and I came out on top, I fought my way through hardship, I left the bad and worked for the good, I have grown up since they've seen me last... And yet I feel so strongly that I have failed. Like none of that matters b'coz I have failed. I am a failure and I don't know why.

For some reason I feel like I am supposed to be thinner than I am. Or at least a lot more toned. As if it was mandatory that I be at least 42.6kg before my trip home. I am 44.9 currently and it is driving me batty to realise that I have twelve days to fix this as best I can... Which probably won't be very much. What I don't understand is why would I feel the need to be thinner before I get home? That would set off the radar immediately and I'd be put under microscope the whole trip! But the mind is never rational is it? Especially not our OCD/ED/perfectionist minds.

I absolutely cannot wait to see my puppy girl!!!
Goodness I am so nervous and on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about what might happen at home.

Like an idiot I spilt my binge troubles to my mum. I had told her I was completely over it all several months ago, yet in a phone conversation I spilt it like an idiot. Though I didn't tell her the other part about trying to get down to 43kg. She'd flip out and so would anyone I told that to. Nobody understands that I am comfortable there.

Who knows, maybe it is good she knows. She can help me stop being a disgusting idiot haha! Though I'm glad I haven't binged but one time in a while!

it's hard to say goodbye

Today is going to be a sad day...

Rob's dog, Wubit, is most likely going to the vet to be euthanised... She is his dog, but I've known her for nearly four years now... I didn't feel the death of his last dog, Buster, as much as I will this one. I never really spent time with Buster b'coz he was very old and never went anywhere or did anything. Wubit, however, before she began to've trouble walking, she'd go with us everywhere and sleep in our room with us nightly. After we moved, to get to our room there are steep wooden steps she had to manage. At first she tried and could make it but after a while she began to have accidents, falling down the steps b'coz her legs didn't have the strength for them. Eventually she stopped trying. She had a seizure, about a month, that took some movement from her hind legs and her bladder control. She can't bend her knees much anymore, she goes on herself in her sleep and I think her vision is going as well. I never believed in euthanisation, but she just seems in so much pain and discomfort... The poor girl...

She may not be my dog, but it still makes me so sad to think about it. I can't imagine what Rob feels, he has had her since she was a pup and could fit in his hand.

I worry that I'll get a call from my mum one day, saying that my dog has passed. I've had her since she was a pup as well. 1999, 13yrs ago. Her birthday was on the 1st of October. If she passed while I was here, I'd feel so much regret that I didn't come back as soon as I'd promised her. I've been away for 3yrs, going on 4. I haven't seen her in 2yrs. The last time I saw her, she was still her spunky puppy self, hyper and romping around with sticks and bones. Recently my brother sent me a picture've her and she's aged. She looks old... I'd like to move home permanently sometime next year. I hope and pray she lives until then so I can spend some time with her before it's her time...

Sorry for the sad post.

Update: We just got home... She is gone... I know she wasn't my dog but it still hurts and I still love her as though she was.

Goodbye Wubs, you've been a good girl. You made me smile, you protected my ratties, and helped me through the hard times when I missed my girl at home. I love you and am glad you aren't in pain anymore.
❤

my binge secret

These are my babies! ^__^

Novel is the tan one, Mappy is the brown one.

Mappy will be 1 on December 28 and Novel's birthday is June 26.

 

I cheated last night and ate before 8pm. I had a bowl of iceberg lettuce, shredded spinach, olives and 2 tomato slices at 6pm. A customer walked in and asked how we were doing. My coworker replied: I'm fine, she's stuffing her face over there.

I hoped she was joking but it put off my appetite nonetheless. I felt so greedy and disgusting I had to throw it away.

That has been my secret that cut my binge cycle. I feel I can let it out now. Intermittent fasting. I'm following the 20/4 schedule. I have a 4 hour feeding window and I fast for 20. I love how it's called a feeding window. Reminds me of cattle {not that I don't absolutely LOVE cows and think they are super cute!!!}. Pets and animals humans care for don't get to choose when or what they eat. They eat in a controlled manner b'coz they have no choice. I just like being reminded that I have to eat in a controlled manner, and that I should not have a choice b'coz I turn into an animal when I am given the liberty.

I usually wake at 1 in the afternoon, go to work at 3, I don't get home unil 10:15p and I go to sleep around 3am.

Whatever food is left undigested before bed, continues to be digested during sleep. After the food is digested, you are in a fasted state. While fasting, fat is first burned before muscle. So to make use of that, I just don't eat during the day in order to keep that going. Also, when I eat breakfast, the feeling of hunger is more prominent throughout the day. My stomach is a lot more needy when I eat 3x or 6x a day vs when I save my meals for the end've the day. Not to mention, it's that first taste of food that usually causes my binge mode. So If I hold off and wait, it ensures I've a better chance of maintaining my control.

 

My feeding window is between 8pm - 12midnight {though I usually try to wait until I get home to have anything b'coz I don't like to eat in front've people}. Most often, I'll have a baked sweet potato or yam with some small something like green beans or a spinach and red pepper salad; an hour later I might have a Weetabix with 1tsp of reduced fat peanut butter or raisins; then another hour or two later I usually finish my day with an apple and a few baby carrots for dessert or a cup of cereal in a half cup've almond milk.

By eating this way I've finally gotton used to and re-learned to love the feeling of hunger! I'm so happy! The sweet potato provides most've my energy for the next day and a lot've times I'll have some black coffee throughout my day. If I really feel I need something during the day, I'll stop by and get a sugar-free specialty coffee and have that at work. {fyi- I found that sugar-free is almost always lower calorie than redued fat/fat-free/low sodium. If I'm not sure the calories during an emergency decision, I always opt for sugar-free} I don't dare eat anything from my job. Apples or a salad are the exceptions. I bring my own 8 o'clock food if I decide I'll eat at work. Usually an apple and some carrots or a cup of soup or dry cereal. Though, I find it's better for me if I just wait till home; then I'm able to relax. At home I can actually sit and have my meal, I can chew thoroughly and not have to rush to eat between customers, it's more satisfying and feels like I've eaten. At least this way, of I do binge at night, I have calorie room so I don't go over. I've been at or under everyday lately. Mostly at rather than under. I'd like to change that, in time.

Thanksgiving and it's leftovers have made it difficult. I strayed off and on during the past few days but nothing too horrid thank goodness! Wish me luck to continue!

long rambling emotional post

I had an alright Thanksgiving. Ate just a piece or a mini scoop of each thing (except gravy): strip of turkey, a mini e sweet potato, tiny tiny scoop of green beans b'coz there was butter, mini scoop of stuffing, itty bitty scoop of mashed potatoes. I was so nervous and afraid! Afraid of the food putting me back in a binge cycle, afraid that someone would comment on how much I was eating, afraid someone might comment on how little I was eating. I didn't know whether it was to much or too little in their eyes. I calmed myself by reminding myself that I am eating based on what "I" can handle, not how much they think I should be eating. Though I admit I felt like all eyes were on me. I know that others at the table glance at each other's plates now and again, but b'coz I know what I struggle with, when someone glanced over at my plate, it felt like I was being checked on. But in the end it turned out alright.

I was so upset and frustrated the other day. It was the first time I'd seen my boss since my ex stopped by several days ago. She made a joke saying: So have you drank from any rose petals recently?

Hardy har har. I'm laughing up a storm right now, it's so funny. And my friend Jax laughed right along with her. Ha ha, it's so funny that I have mental problems and you all know about what a wack job I am now b'coz my ex is an immature prick.

I knew I shouldn't've texted him but I was upset and threw caution to the wind. Here is how it went :P

~Thanks, I got my boss making fun of me now and Jax is laughing along with her. You can be proud of yourself now, you hurt me for hurting you (b'coz I left him).
•That's not true I thought you said you never wanted to talk to me again you made your decision (he has no sense of grammar and it kills me).
~Whatever.
•Well I tried to tell you we could be friends and like usual you make everything an attack on you like you said I'm done with it I've moved on so either were friends or were not end of story (look who's playing high and mighty).
~What happened to you Anthony?
•I'm tired of it all just like you are you don't want to talk to me don't... Nothing happened to me I'm still the same person I was when you met me but who are you is the question.
~I'm someone only my mum knows and no one else needs to know. I shouldn't've texted in anger, but after my boss began talking and laughing about what you told them, of course I was angry. If you meant no harm like you say, you would have known enough not to leak out personal information like that regardless on whether you "figured" they would know. Things like that ruin jobs and most likely if this keeps up I will have to leave here shortly.
•If you were mature you would have given me a real reason why you dumped me and told me you were cheating when you was and when you said never to talk to you again you wouldn't text me antagonizing a fight you have made me life hell and I tried to put it behind us but instead you decide to try to make my life hell now I'm with my girlfriend you want to talk this out then fine but you can meet me somewhere cause this hiding behind walls is immature talk to me face to face or like magic make my number disapear you say I need to grow up listen to yourself.
~Who cheated?! I never cheated on you! I've never cheated before. I don't know where you got that from but whoever told you that is an idiot. And who's hiding?i told you why we broke up. I'm sorry if I never wanted you to know the severity of my mental issues. Also, like I said, I texted out've anger and I admitted I shouldn't have. Sine that letter wasn't good enough for you as a reason why I left you, it's b'coz I'm fucking anorexic alright!!! (I'm not anymore. I should've said eating disordered but in the heat of the moment I didn't want to explain what eating disorder I have) I didn't want you to know b'coz I felt you couldn't handle that on top of everything else that is wrong with me. I felt you are young and have a lot of life left, more so than I, and I felt selfish for staying with you. There is too much wrong wih me. You deserve a good girl. I'm not one. That is the ultimate reason that I've hidden.
•I don't care about your many excuses like I said I put that shit behind me and out of depression and desperation to be happy I found someone who gives a shit and isn't disgusted of me or have excuses for commitment issues we've been together every bit as long as you and I have I'm happy so you have two choices we can be friends or you can get over yourself and move on I don't give a shit anymore
~I knew you couldn't handle me... You just proved it. Have a nice life to you too.

I love how he randomly came to the conclusion I cheated and tells me to get over myself. I have no idea how he came to that b'coz he doesn't talk to anyone I know unless my coworker/friend told him that. (I use the term loosely. I say friend b'coz I used to live with her and she is the better one at my job, but really she is just as backstabbing as everyone else.) I knew I shouldn't've texted him but I was so angry. And then I knew I shouldn't've mentioned anything about my ED b'coz it isn't his business anymore. He angers me b'coz he twists things around and places blame on me where it shouldn't be. I accept that I am to blame for hurting his fragile heart and for being a part of it in the first place, but the rest is from an unknown place. Perhaps he needs to blame me. For some stupid reason I felt like I needed to prove myself. I felt I needed to clear the air and make him know I never cheated and that I left him b'coz I knew I was bad for him. He is only 18, I'm 23, it was forbidden territory to begin with. He seemed mature at first but I know now he was putting on a face for me. He most likely didn't want me to feel the age difference.

After the accident, I couldn't help but feel the age difference. It should have never happened. He wasn't paying attention to the road, he was driving too fast for the area we were crossing and he hit a car. I had a concussion among other things, nothing too severe but it woke me up. After that I realised, I understood that he is just beginning. I had no right to take that away. My darkness, my mental issues, my ED, would have taken from his beginning. He shouldn't have to have a girlfriend who always needs comforting and is always battling her mind. I felt he should have someone young, someone vibrant like him, someone who is beginning life as well, not someone who has already seen it. It's only a 5yr difference, but with my past and struggles, my mind feels old and tired.

And yet I feel like the naive child out of place among my peers. How is that? I feel like I know things others couldn't comprehend and yet when I am among others my age I feel like the young litto girl who knows nothing of the big world. And yet, I've tried, on many occasions, to have a meaningful/deep conversation with people, but they don't seem to understand what I'm talking about. When I try to speak to someone who I think could talk back, I'll say something like: Do you ever feel lost? Lost within yourself, lost in your mind? They'll either look at me like I'm nuts or ask me to define what I mean, and even though I do, it never goes anywhere. It seems only those with deep seeded issues can talk back to me. Not that I want to talk about my problems with everyone, it just makes me feel so far away from everyone. So pointless.

Sometimes I'll think something funny and laugh to myself. And then I'll want to share it with someone but before I do, I'll think: Why? Why share it? What's the point? They'll laugh a litto bit and it'll be over. Why say anything? Attention? What an attention whore. Just shut up and do what you're doing. Nobody cares what you have to say. Sometimes I feel that way about blogging and that is sometimes the reason why I don't blog for a while. Usually it's b'coz I don't have a laptop anymore and blogging from an iPod is rather difficult. 

Well, I think it's finally over between Anthony and I. I'm glad though. He can move on and maybe one day I can stop feeling so guilty.

another good goes punished

Well, my ex decided it was okay to pop in at my work without telling me. Luckily I wasn't there that night. It probably would've ended with me crying like a baby and hiding in the back room or restroom.

Apparently he wasn't in the best of moods. My coworker/friend {one've the better people at my job} told me he said "I just stopped by to fuck with her." He and his friends had a nice laugh at my expense. Letting my coworkers know that I'm a wack job. He told them I'm psychotic, I'm crazy, "she did me dirty like a mother fucker". I never knew him to curse with any form've vulgarity. It was always hell, darn, dammit. Never fuck, so that is pretty bad for him and it scared me to know he said that.

He told them that I stopped having sex with him b'coz I'm a germophobe, that I only drink water out've roses, who knows what else he said.

The first is partly true. My fear of germs comes and goes and for some odd reason it doesn't exclude those I'm closest to. I began to fear being touched once more toward the end've our relationship. I didn't like the idea of his naked body touching mine, I didn't like the idea that something may have touched his member before he went inside've me, I didn't like the idea that he may have touched something before he touched me. And so I made up excuses why we couldn't have sex.

Now the second is completely exaggerated! In my letter I confessed to him that I lied to him on occasion about the silly or odd things I do. I confessed to him that the ONE time when I drank the rain water from the rose was not for good luck, but was OCD. I had to do it or he would've died that day. I knew he wouldn't have, but I couldn't run the risk and if it had happened the guilt would've fallen on me.

He told them everything I wrote to him. All my confessions! It was personal between US! His friends were not to know and neither were my coworkers! I sent that to him in an effort to do the right thing, I felt he deserved a glimpse of why I left him. He was tortured not understanding why. And so I shed light on it in hopes I could help him move on. Instead I got this...

He brought his friends with him to my workplace to be a part in humiliating me in front've my coworkers... It just isn't human to make fun of someone with mental disturbances. I didn't ask to think the way I do. I wish I didn't have to.

The most ironic thing of all is that when we were together I warned him that I wasn't right up there and he always made light of it saying: I will help you through it. I'm here for you. You don't seem all that weird to me. Why b'coz you straighten your shoes and keep your room clean and step over lines? So what. You've had a bad past. It's exactly that, a past.

And now he calls me psychotic and crazy. Where is his fix-it attitude now? Where is his compassionate do-no-wrong attitude now?

I am still in disbelief that he brought an audience...

to buy, or not to buy

I've been freaking out yesterday and today! Our scale at work broke yesterday and I believe they've thrown it away today! {I've no idea why we've a scale at Subway other than my boss uses it.} That was the only scale I had access to! I went to weight myself when I got in and it wasn't there! It wasn't there! I felt immediate anxiety:

How will I know where I am??  What if I've gained?? I won't know how much I've really gained or lost. I can't see it, the numbers are the only thing I can see.

Now I face a dilemma. Buy a scale or don't.

Pros-

I can weigh myself whenever I want at any time and it is my own, unshared, uncontaminated.

Cons-

I can be asked to be weighed at any time. I can be scrutinised, watched, seen. I run the risk of going through the anxiety and fear and nervousness of being asked to see my numbers and the anxiety of trying to tap into my courage to say I'd rather not.

I cannot stand anyone to see how disgusting my numbers are. Feeling good about myself a couple days ago, I willingly stepped onto the library scale to prove I am not underweight. I was exactly 45.4kg. I felt instant shame and disgust and wished I hadn't brought it up. Though it made him happy and eased his worry. It was the exact opposite for me.

What to do. Buy one or not...

I'd considered getting one on one've my walks to the store and hiding it. But where would I hide it? And how would I've access to it? That is pretty much an unrealistic wishful option.

On the bright side, no binges!!!

brighter days?

Rob and I had coffee together this morning. I can't recall the path to the topic, but he mentioned that he is worried about me. Worried that something is wrong. "I'm worried b'coz you eat a lot but you're losing weight. Something's wrong. That's not normal..." I didn't know what to say. I asked if I really am losing weight or if it's really that he knows what I am capable of {or was capable of}. I asked this b'coz for the last month and a half I have been ping ponging between 43kg - 45kg. How could anyone notice any weight-loss with such subtle and constant fluctuations? No one noticed during the three days I managed to keep to 43kg, but they notice when I am 44kg?? He said that I really am losing weight, that it isn't just my past in his mind and that my bones are showing badly. In all honesty I do not believe this is true and I've the scale proof to back it up. I do not believe he is lying, but I do not believe it is true either. I think the past is affecting his judgement. I am only 43.8kg. I was 43.1kg when he first met me,

when he told me I was beautiful when he could not leave me alone about my, so called, beauty

when I only had a kids 4pc nuggets and mini fries a day

when no one cared that I only ate dinner

when no one knew anything was wrong with my eating

when no one knew anything

when no one saw me

He said he rather I be at 50kg. Insanity!!! Never!!! I would consider staying where I am, but never would I willingly go up a single notch on the scale. If I ever do, it would be against my will.

43kg.

Just let me get to 43kg.

Just .8 more to go.

Not at all long ago, I was thinking:

I need an appetite suppressant, or rather a flipping mind suppressant really. Or maybe I just need a gun with one bullet, or a few muscle relaxers and a full bathtub, or a really long strand've rope, etc., the thoughts went on.

I received nature's lovely monthly gift and was devistated. 

I thought: Wow I really must be eating a lot to get it back, I really am disgustingly fat aren't I?

Today I am doing so much better; working slowly, litto bits at a time. I cannot believe I've made it back to... 43.8kg! {haha I try in vain to get used to metric. It's used much more than standard in Japan.}

I am aiming to stop the binges before I attempt to begin restriction again. Though really, as I practice my method to stop the binging, I'm still within my limit. I've been afraid've posting what I've been doing that has been stopping my binges. I'm afraid that once I mention it aloud --anywhere other than in my mind-- it'll stop working. It's been going well for nearly a week now and I am afraid of going backward. Terrified honestly. I don't want to feel the despair and worthlessness I feel when I binge. I can't bare that anymore. Each day, each time I go through yet another cycle, I come closer to wanting it all to end.

This is my flicker of hope. Forgive me. I want to hold on to this glow of light, nurture it and help it to grow for a bit longer. I want to allow it to mature and become stronger before I release it.

Elegant

Pure

Dignity

and my dreams become nightmares

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I'd just had some food and was looking over my intake for the day up until then. When I looked over to the packaged trays of whatever I'd just had, I began to think: "Oh god, I missed some calories... I calculated wrong!...I'm over by so much!" Panic struck my chest hard like a sledge hammer, I couldn't breathe. Suddenly the wrapping of the packaged food began to move like something alive was inside! The packaging tore open and a hand came out. It was a dead woman crawling out've the package and coming toward me! She resembled the missed calories and the fear I have of going over my calorie limit. It sounds like a rather silly nightmare to be afraid of but it terrified me! I woke with a sharp breath as if I hadn't been breathing for a few minutes. My chest hurt when I woke.

I walk into work today and my coworker, Tonya, asked if I was alright. I was feeling rather weak and fatigued but I didn't say that. As far as anyone needs to know there I'm absolutely brill. She said I looked sickly. Gee fanx, what a lovely compliment.

Later I asked Jax why our oatmeal cookies in the cookie drawers say 220 per, our nutrition pamphlet says 210 per and the stickers for our new packaged individuals say 190 per. That makes absolutely no sense at all considering we get our cookies in bulk bags as frozen dough pre-cut into cookie rounds. They're the same cookies from the same bags yet they've three different caloric values??? I questioned for personal inquiry of course, but also b'coz a customer had recently asked. She lifted a brow at me and replied: I dunno. Does it look like I count calories?? I said I didn't either and was just wondering. "Oh yes you do, I know you do." Now I'm nervous a bit. I said that sort've thing took too much time and effort and I am much too lazy. The topic just dwindled from that.

And later still, she said to me: I don't see how it's possible, but it actually looks like you're loosing weight?? I said it was probably b'coz I tuck in my work shirt all the way now, I don't leave any poof, and I also got new fitting pants. She agreed. I honestly wouldn't see how it's possible either. My numbers have gotton bigger, not smaller.

I'm currently 98.5. Gained a pound. But I'm glad it's not something more. Though I feel so bloated lately the one pound makes no difference. It feels like 5. My own fault though really. It's definitely water retention. I've been a bad girl lately, not having enough fluid most certainly. I have been well not binging and have been sticking to 900 kcal or below. I've missed my last period in October and Rob is becoming concerned. I asked if he was worried about me being pregnant {it's too early for any showing, but honestly I've pondered about that. My tummy is pooching a bit, though I would never know if it was anything b'coz I can't see myself for what I am}. He's more concerned for my physical health. Worried something is wrong. I was too afraid to tell him that I know why.

I couldn't say it b'coz I can't admit it. I won't admit it. Not out loud. I just need to get back down to a tolerable weight before I admit anything b'coz then if I do, I'll have to stop. I couldn't stand it if I stopped now.

i have been a bad daughter

"Dear dad,

I know I said I wouldn't want to speak to you again if you ever did it again, but I feel that was heartless of me. Since saying that, I've realised that it is not my place to judge, and for me to say that is a form of judgement. It ruled out any chance for change and that isn't understanding. It doesn't show love, it is giving rules, it is not right.

My realising this has come from a selfish place, however. My troubles with food brought me to see that the mind is nothing to fool with. It will do what it wills, when it wills. It takes great will-power to overcome the mind and there will be slip ups. I have experienced it myself time and time again. I say: never again. And there is a next time despite that.

What would I do if you or mum said to me: if you binge, if you purge, if you eat less than a healthy 1200 calories, we will never speak to you again. What would I do?? How would I ever be able to live up to such a standard?? I couldn't. I would be alone. 

I am sorry."

My father's friend called me this morning. Gave me his cell number and address... I know it's silly to be sad and upset that he's back in jail after just getting out two months ago, b'coz I knew it would happen. But I have no place to feel sad, in reality I am history repeated. I've always felt I am not like him. I have always fought to be different than he was/is. To be better than he was/is, but I finally realised, I am just like him. I may not be hurting my loved ones in a way like he is, but I do hurt them and myself just as well. I have an addiction just as he does. I listen to it just as he does. It calls to me just as drugs calls to him. He steals to feed his addiction as well as I. I never wanted to be my father's daughter, but it happened anyway. It crept up on me at a naïve age when I couldn't see it and now it is too late. I wish I could believe there is life for me beyond the eating disorder, beyond the compulsions and obsessions, beyond the voices, beyond the anxieties, the depression, the imaginative thinking, but this has been me for so long. I do not know life without it. I will embrace what I am and who I am, working with what I've got to become something better.

Áine's progress

This is a practice watercolour I did in a separate sketchpad, thus the warped paper haha. It was only 80lb so it didn't hold up very well.

 

 

 And here is Áine!!! Currently working on shading and adding texture her body. I am rather proud've her I must admit ^///^ Originally I'd wanted to sketch her first then finish off by watercolour in various hues of red to better resemble Áine's physical character traits: Lair Derg --the Red Mare-- and the Faerie Queen of Munster; but now, looking at my work thus far, and considering the fact that I've never really worked with watercolours, I'm concerned I'll ruin it.

 

 

I'm happy for my intake today. I am doing well, my mind is in a better place from my last post. Excuse that one by the way, I just needed somewhere to get that bit out. I honestly don't know what happened. Today, I am being lenient with myself, more forgiving. I told myself to forget what I'm eating and just work on calories. I had a small side of black beans and rice from Taco Bell for breakfast and a baked sweet potato with carrots green beans and beets for dinner. I'm a bit growly at the moment so I'll probably have a small something to keep the monster at bay. It's okay for now. As long as I'm not binging or being a pig, I'm not disgusted with myself. Do I move from plan to plan or what? Haha what an impatient person I am! When something gores wrong, my mind races to figure out what went wrong and doesn't stop until it creates a solution...or a possible solution I should say.

 

I've spent nearly 2.5 hours now jotting down safe food items {mostly things on the side menu or kid's meals} for just-in-case purposes. I've got Taco Bell, KFC, Chic-fil-A, and Burger King. In that time, I've also been researching grocery foods for my next grocery visit. I don't like scrambling while I'm there, trying to find the lowest calorie version of some something that I need. Ie- the MILLIONS of cereals they can cram pack into one isle is ridiculous! I've pickd out a list of some pretty safe foods! I'm rather pleased with it.

 

Off to Netflix I go!

post

I feel hollow and full at the same time.

I am sad and calm at the same time, I just exist at the moment.

I do not feel anything.

My mind wants to think, but there are so many thoughts that it is quiet. It is thinking on it's own somewhere in my brain; thinking in a place where I cannot see it's thoughts.

I don't understand this feeling, I do not recognise it.

I want to get out've myself.

noooooooo

Well, I was doing wonderfully. I was bringing lunch to work, avoiding binges. But today I worked day-shift. With my boss, aka Dragon Lady. She rode me hard today. I really didn't want or feel like eating in front've anyone. {Especially not after being called a fat pig yesterday.} I feel shame in admiting that I almost hate that cold-hearted woman. She essentially punished me for everyone's short-commings. She addressed each matter as "you guys" yet all the while she stared hard at me; her oddly shaped, fallacious eyes with sloppy, smeared, thick eyeliner spoke to me directly, while passing a few words in Josh's direction. Almost as if to say: I am speaking to her b'coz she's a fucktard and has absolutely no idea what in hell she is doing...but I'm sorry, I have to muster whatever professionalism I can and address the both of you...but really, I'm addressing her. She must've had some fun using me to relieve her stress today. Playing the chess board, moving me wherever she desired.

"You guys at night shift don't do anything. You open boxes halfway and leave me to unpack them. You need to start helping! Open these boxes and unpack them."

I figured I'd warm the ice by making it easier for everyone by unpacking more than just one box. 45min in the freezing walk-in, trying to right whatever went wrong. I was SO cold! Where did that get me?

"Has it EVER looked like this? Did I SAY to do that?"

"I thought I'd make it easier for everyone and do a bit more."

"But I think I remember telling you one box. Have you EVER seen it like this?! That's good leave it!"

She makes it extremely difficult not to curse...

Beside my moaning about the witch, b'coz I couldn't bring myself to eat at work, I suppose I felt deprived. I had a small cup of vanilla frozen yoghurt with some coconut slivers and almond slivers. An apple when I got home. And lost control an hour ago with 2 Riesens, a half slice've pumpkin pie, 3tbsp Redi Whip --and here is the shame-- I snuck Rob's dad's chicken sandwich from the ice box. I dunno, I saw it, lost it and ravenged the whole thing. I squatted in front've the ice box looking up to see if I needed to hide! WHO does those kinds of things! Ugh, I disgust myself.

I'm so tired of being talked about and treated less than or as if I don't measure up to whoever it is who is speaking to me. Dragon Lady, several coworkers, ex boyfriend, ex friends. Whenever I finally feel comfortable enough to open up, my problems are less than and I have it easy. Everything about me is taken lightly and I cannot stand it. I am cursed with this bubbly happy-go-lucky mask I have made to hide in. It is all anyone can see, even when I show them the real me. They bypass me and say:
What is so bad in your life that you are like this?
Why are you stressed?
Just ignore the voices.
Just don't do you OCD habits.
Just just just, why why why, you are nobody no one nothing.

I know. And I will show just how much I know this. I will disappear. And in the process you will see my strength.

I'm expecting tomorrow to be just fine though. I'm back on my usual shift and will be able to eat during. Josh takes a bunch've smoke breaks which I use to nibble my box lunch in secret.

Sketch progress photos soon!!!

six-foot sub?!?!

I have been doing well these past few days and I admit that although I still feel the disgusting layer on my body, I am considerably happier. I am strongly anticipating, from the first of November on, that I will keep doing so. I've been taking note of mistakes I've been making, and avoiding them.

Ie- simply bringing one apple to work is not enough to appease the growling monster within {b'coz it has unlearnt the ability to live on an apple for lunch}, therefore obsessive thoughts about wanting the food at work, therefore binging, then leading me to be very upset, irritated, bothered, all words of the like, and in need of punishment. And punishment is not eating but an apple at work, thus the cycle.

I am lowering the existence of bread {unless it's tapioca bread or this 35kcal/slice variety I found}, cereal, noodles, anything that is not strictly a fruit, vegetable, seafood or tofu. Not tofu products. Tofu. No tofu hot dogs, no tofu bacon, tofu chicken nuggets, tofu this or tofu that; tofu. Aside from Shirataki tofu noodles. I grew up with those and they are 20kcal per package. So it'll fill me and fit in my budget. Same with fruits and vegetables; low calorie so I can eat more. It's curious that I've always known that, it just slips my mind sometimes and disappears for a while.

Ugh, I've gone back to diet Mtn Dew though -__- I am horrible. I sometimes just to want have a change of...scenery? Haha you know what I mean! Blasted company tries to trick you, they do!

1 can of diet Mountain Dew - 0kcal

1 bottle diet Mountain Dew - 10kcal

Though it seems a bottle of diet Coke is safer, the bottle still says 0kcal. They can say 0kcal on anything they like, as long as it is below 5kcal, they are allowed to say 0kcal. How misleading and unfair!

I also think its absolutely crass that there are no comforting facts on nutrition in alcoholic beverages! I am weary of calories and ingredients in things. I steer clear of HFCS, corn products {unless it is corn of course}, gluten products, aspartame {thus my shame of drinking Diet Mount Dew}, and a few others.

My menu:

water -of course-

any sort've unsweet tea

black coffee

almond milk- sparingly

any fruit

any vegetable

puffed rice {70kcal/cup}

puffed wheat {60kcal/cup}

porridge- sparingly

Marie Callander Homestyle Vegetable soup {80kcal/cup}

Progresso Lite New England Clam Chowder {100kcal/cup}- sparingly

Campbell's Tomato Basil soup {100kcal/cup}- sparingly

Ener-G tapioca bread {not really bread, made from tapioca flour. 80kcal/slice}

Truvia- sparingly

brown sugar- sparingly

cinnamon

black pepper

white pepper

cayenne pepper

I was put to shame today at the beginning of my shift. We had a six-foot sub order going out and it just sparked my imagination a bit. As I closed the box, I pictured a large crowd of people gathered around a table, cheering on the Man Vs Food host with their excited auras emanating the atmosphere as he tries to beat the monster sub of Subway! I thought it was rather humourous and thought it would be an interesting idea to hold a sort've deal: If you buy this six-footer and are able to finish it within x-minutes, it is free and you win a free meal for your family along with your picture on our "Winner Wall"! Or some odd thing like that ha! I don't know, I thought it was funny. I told my coworker about it, the same girl who wouldn't leave me be about the lace cuff on my wrist, and said I don't think I could stuff more than a quarter've that monster in me.

Her response was: Oh I know you can! You can eat like a fat girl. I've seen you in action! I know you would win, you'd eat the whole thing!

...nice.

Well, my awkwardness about eating in front've people didn't just get worse, nope not a single bit.

Can you see those words dripping with sarcasm? And people wonder why they rarely, if ever, see me eat; or wonder why I'm so weird when they catch me, bowl in-hand, facing the wall, eating.