the time has come for this cage to fill with the noises of laughter and love it has never known

boyfriend found my blog. changed my name and picture to the real me and changed my password as well. we fought; i cried, he hurt. i have not been recognizing just how much of a bitch i have been. ive lied, ive cheated, ive decieved and most of all i dragged my own boyrfiend, whom i love with all my heart, through the mud. ive mostly talked about how he forced me to eat this and made me eat that and several other mean things. but ive only said a few good things like that day he carried me to bed because i fell asleep watching the movie or our kiss in the rain. why did i do that? why didnt i say more about how sweet he is and loved he makes me feel? why did i portray him to be such a dick? did he seem like a dick to you when you read my blogs? i would like to say that he really isnt horrible in the least. i love him so much with all my heart. i did take out my frustrations about food out on him in my blogs and i know/knew it isnt his fault. i merely just needed a place to exhale my frustrations so i could continue inhaling the love i feel for him. to all of you that have gotten rude comments from me, i am sorry. i hurt my boyfriend terribly and we have had an extremely rough week. alot of crying, frustrastion, anger, harsh words, and a relationship almost ended; but we are going to be ok. at first he didnt want anything more to do with me, but after we had a long talk and i poured my soul to him in tears, he began to understand a little more that i need help. i need someone to help me, to love me, to be there for me and he realized that he still wanted to be that someone. he told me that out of hurt and anger he said some things, as me, on some of your blogs and i am incredibly sorry to all of you who were hurt by it! please do not feel anger toward him because it was my fault. i kept this from him for far too long and caused this bomb to go off. it ticked and ticked until its final tick caused our feelings to murge and explode. therefore in lack of understanding, hurt feelings, anger, fear of losing me to ana and probably a million other things, he attacked what he could, you girls. he has apologized for it, but really, i should be doing the apologizing to you. i also apologized a thousand times to him and i still feel like saying sorry every second, everytime i think of the whole bloddy ordeal!

he had originally told me that he wouldnt trust me until i was 105 again and that he wanted me to be 115 again. he was still full of emotions at the time and after we both calmed down, i asked him about 100 because 105 and even more so, 115 would torture me to no end! we agreed on 101. but a couple nights ago i cried quietly, laying naked next to him in bed. i felt so ashamed of my body. i felt self conscious to be naked in front of him and i didnt want my body touching him; i felt disgusting because when i laid on my side like i normally do, i could see and feel my stomach. it is much bigger now and kinda hangs low toward the bed...uggg its so gross i have to atart exercising again!!! i know ive gained at least 1.5lbs.................after that night he told me i could stay the weight i am, i dont have to gain! YAY! i am SO fucking relieved!!! but i promised i wouldnt lose anymore, so i cant lose., but i dont have to gain; fuck thats all i want right now! if i have to recover, ill take maintaining over gaining any day! :D i know i wont be happy with my body and i know this is going to be a long process, so fucking long! but i have to do this! i love him and i dont want to live without him! i will get a psychiatrist, when i am able, to help make the way i see myself and to make the way i view food as a weakness normal...well mostly normal because if ive never seen myself the way others do since before i can remember, i dont think there is any way i will ever fully be happy with myself and still not think of food as weakness sometimes. ive been ana/mia for 6-7yrs and ednos for 4yrs prior, this is going to be hard. im at a stage right now where all i want to do is eat because ive deleloped the taste for food again and mia mindset has gone off again. but minus the purging because i promised i wouldnt and im not opening that door and risking losing my second chance! right now all i want to do is eat and eat and eat and the control for that is barely hanging on! im teetering over the binge pole. i eat like a normal person right now not because im "all better" (i wish it was that fast), but because mia's desire for the taste of food is back and theres only one little rope tying me to control that keeps me from cooking/baking/heating/poring/stirring/glopping/fixing/cutting/preparing all the food in the house and sitting at the table and eating until my tummy bursts open. i just got out of that! i used to go downstairs up to 3x a night when mia had me and eat 3 peanut butter/jelly sandwiches, a danish, ice cream, turkey cheese rolls, jello, carrots, cereal with marshmellows, peanut butter with chocolate sauce, peanut butter with marshmellows, marshmellows with chocolate sauce, kit kats, milky ways, whoppers, ice cream sandwiches and im SO not kidding you! i ate all of that in one night once! O.O fuck that was gross! but its partially because of mia and partially because ive started the emotional eating thing i used to do earlier in life that im teetering on this binge pole. i have to learn how to find a healthy NORMAL balance with food and i just dont have it! like i said before, i either eat to little or eat to much! either starve or binge. i will figure this out!

please dont stop following! i love you guys so much! i have nothing but grattitude and appriciation that i found this community and all you lovelies in it! this is still my blog and im still going to post on it =) just, now, my goal is no longer losing.......its maintaining. not only my weight, but my relationship.......wow...its really hard to say that my goal is no longer losing because thats been my goal my entire life: to get skinnier and skinnier, ive never known myself to be content with my weight...when i said my goal is no longer losing, ana countered that immidiately with "fuck 'its not'! yes it is!" and i had to fix it and tell myself it is...but love comes first before an unreal happiness. sacrifice is one of the ways you prove your love =) but i am still here to support all of you recovery or not <3 and im still alice ^__^ ive grown quite fond of that name. you can choose to call me kiyomi, kii or alice, up to you. since its out, my real name is brandi but quite frankly, i hate it! so i go by my middle name, kiyomi and kii is my nickname. also, since you've all seen my real picture and know who i really am, ive put up a better real pic of my for my profile :P

facebook me! =) but let me know who you are (if you want and your names not the same) cuz i kinda get quite a bit of requests:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1460550616