be new:

To be thin is to be beautiful, to feel beautiful, to be happy, to be new. 新しいになります。 I hope, someday, to see myself as others see me, and to be as light and happy as the leaves that blow in the wind or a beautiful balloon drifting up into the clouds...












Welcome
Hullo my little blueberry tea cups! ^__^ Thankyu for reading and being a part of my life. You help me so much. You give me more strength, determination, inspiration than if I were to be dealing with this alone and no one to speak of it to. I love and appreciate every one of you deeply! I hold each of you dear to my heart.

BEFORE JUDGING, PLEASE READ

ps.- I do not teach or wish to inspire eating disorder for it is a sickenss, not something that can be learnt. Eating disorder midset is something one is cursed with that most likely progresses slowly over the years of one's life: appearing first as a simple diet, moving forward in the form of ednos, and possibly, sadly hitting many full on as anorexia/bulimia. If you do not agree with blogs or people that support the lifestyle of the eating disordered, please leave. This blog is not for you. Please do not judge me b'coz I support others through their difficultiesor b'coz I seek support myself, for we need friends and people to talk to about our problems just as you do. Please do not proceed to tell me what I am doing is wrong, I am unhealthy, I am going to die, I need to gain weight, etc. I know what I am and what I am doing, it is not for you or anyone to tell me. I mean no disrespect for any concern; however, gaining weight and simply eating will not help me. It will make me sicker by causing mental torments.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

ive been a good girl! :D todays a sorbet day!


YAY! i was a good girl today :D i stayed in control and didnt let anything get to me. i started my day with honeydew melon and nothing until the party. we had a party to go to at xxx's brother's house for the ufc fights. (they have ufc parties/gatherings like how people go to their friends house and watch football.) when we got there, his brother had food on a table, fruit, desserts, chips and whatnot, and he had the grill going. i just barely got out of the car and already i was bombarded with having to think about food :P his brother asked,
"what'd you want?"
"what'd you got?"
"we got cheesy dogs, hot dogs, ribs, hamburgers, cheese burgers, what?"
i thought a bunch of things in a few seconds,
uh, whats the best choice? can i say im not hungry? no, that'd be rude and antisocial-ish and i might embarrass xxx. ok, what should i choose? hot dog...no hamburger, less grease.
"um, hamburger."
"cheese? ketchup? mustard? mayo? pickles? how you wanna do this? alright, you wanna just take care, uh, get it on your own?" (he was in overdrive hype mode as you can tell.)
"ya. thats good."
"ok, how you want it? thick or thin?"
"thin."
"alright."
xxx had to cook it cuz his brother ended up having to take care of the kids. he asked if i wanted barbecue sauce and i stayed strong and said no. after i got my hamburger, we went to the food table so he could get his ketchup and stuf and i needed a knife. i cut it into 4. he was surprised that i didnt want anything on it, now that i think of it mustard is calorie free, i should have put some for taste, but it tasted fine plain. i grabbed 2 doritos :P and told myself bad! bad! bad! hehe...but i still ate it :P i only finished a fourth of the hamburger and the 2 doritos, that was enough to fill me so i didnt need or want anything else.
we hung out the rest of the time. it was kinda boring but not horrible. i felt so self conscious when we first got there cuz i hate meeting and being around so many new people. i sometimes get that panicky feeling like i want to run away and hide, im such a dork :P watched the ufc fights about 45min after we ate. i dont really care much for watching ufc. there were so many spiders! twice one almost crawled on my foot while we were watching! O.o
a storm started coming in and xxx had to go help someone get their car tire out of a muddy hole so they could leave. i waited in the garage where all the food was. i know, it was a bad move to be left alone with food but i wanted to test myself and i passed! :D yay! now lets keep this control and not let it go!
there were so many people, kids, smells, bugs, and spiders. as soon as we got home i took a shower! i felt so gross i needed to get to stench of smoke and food and hot dogs and hamburgers, and the dirtiness from the kids, the carpet, the people, the chairs and the gross crawling feeling of bugs and spiders off me! i feel so much better now! except that my throat is sooo swollen! it hurts bad! im glad i kept control today cuz theres no way i could purge and i need that sorbet!

1c honeydew melon: 60cal 4:00p
1/4 plain hamburger: 71cal 8:30p
2 Doritos: 25cal 8:30p
1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 3:20a

814cal under
186cal eaten

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you did amazingly well for being at a party! I know how hard it can be. The difficult of avoiding food is heightened tenfold when you're in public, at a party, being offered food, etc, etc.
    Keep being an inspiration to me!

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts and replys? ^__^