This may be an insignificant find, but I just happened to realise that bloddy and bloody would actually be read the same way no matter which way you spelt it. Just a random passing thought from me. Now on to the rest've my thoughts:
I really screwed up today. I feel disgusting. Had my first binge in so long. I was doing so well! And then it all came tumbling down on me. I just don't understand. It wasn't even like I enjoyed anything I ate, I usually don't enjoy the things I binge on. My cravings start them, but the curious thing is that I never binge on what I craved for in the first place! And for some reason when I binge on foods in the house, I feel as if I'm getting rid of the bad food I'm binging on. How idiotic!
I don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I was finally down to 96.5 on Thursday, but it went up to 97.5 and stayed there yesterday and today. I didn't understand b'coz my calories didn't change and neither did my food choices either. But there went my irration mind: "You know was those 3 chicken pieces you snuck at work on Thursday and again on Friday that weren't in your intake plan." I mean they weren't even an inch long, so there is no way it made me gain a pound, but you know how the mind works in such smart ways like that.
Today, b'coz've my binge and complete lack've control, I ate my first bit've meat :( I had bacon. And that bacon made me sick. I ended up vomitting some a bit earlier, ug.
So I'm left feeling horrid, fidgeting a thousand miles a minute and gulping down pot after pot've 抹茶 {green tea} in vain. Even though it is said to speed metabolism, I doubt it can help me any. I would like so much to punish myself tomorrow and fast, but I'm afraid it'll offset another binge. I've worked so hard to get where I am and done so well, I really don't want to go back to feeling like a waste of life, a waste of space, a waste of food I eat too much of that could be going to others and a waste of organs that people out there could benefit from.
I'm going to try my absolute best to work hard tomorrow to stay away from another binge!
Elegance!!!
Skipping Out
6 months ago
Fasting does cause binges *Hugs* Don't beat yourself up, it's not the trip-up it's how you recover from it that counts. Look after yourself and keep your intake steady so you avoid bingeing again. Try to work out what your triggers are so you can avoid them.
ReplyDeleteED-mindsets are hardly rational. Your weight fluctuates for the stupidest bloody reasons and the ED loves using that against you.
You're metabolism-paranoid too? Thank god I'm not the only one! I'm so scared of crashing it and getting fat that even when I'm so sick I can't swallow well I still force down just enough calories to keep me functioning. Ugh. Force-feeding.
You are NOT a waste of life, space or food. I'm incredibly happy to see you posting again and love to hear from you. Your comments always make me smile. I love stretching my poor grasp of kanji to read the Japanese on your blog. It's the only practise I get now that I've graduated :p It's like a secret code.
I'm kinda confused, that lady at the market had never seen someone who was japanese/europoid before? Wtf? o.O New Zealand is really multicultural and multi-ethnic, so never having seen a person of whatever-descent before seems really weird to me. The way they handled the situation sounded really rude though, there are better ways to deal with it!
YES you ARE gorgeous. So there!
Lol, I could never talk to Mum about ANYTHING. And Dad was never there to ask. Every time I try to talk about emotional stuff, even in the past tense, they tell me I'm fine etc etc. I tried to tell Mum about a suicide attempt once and she shut me right down. Ugh, not help there.
Wow two years? Time flies when you're talking to amazing people like you :) I can't have been the first person to comment, you would have already had heaps of comments by then! Your blog is awesome, just like you.
Take care of yourself today, ok? Love you <3