vicodin has set straight my binge cycle

"Nothing in the world scares me as much as bulimia. It was true then and it is true now. But at some point, the body will essentially eat of its own accord in order to save itself. Mine {is begining} to do that. The passivity with which I speak here is intentional. It feels very much as if you are possessed, as if you have no will of your own but are in constant battle with your body, and you are losing. It wants to live. You want to die. You cannot both have your way. And so bulimia creeps into the rift between you and your body and you go out of your mind with fear. Starvation is incredibly frightening when it finally sets in with a vengeance. And when it does,you are surprised. You hadn't meant this. You say: Wait, not this. And then it sucks you under and you drown." -- Marya Hornbacher {Wasted}

Hannah- "How does it happen? Starving to death..."
Jordan-  "...There are three stages. Right now your body is living off of stored calories from the last time you ate. The fat in your body is decreasing as your system consumes it. Your blood pressure is dropping and the overall temperature of your body has gone down. And the second stage can last for several weeks. After loosing all the fat your body will begin to burn muscle mass. You will become weaker. Because of the low blood pressure, you will get dizzy; prone to fainting. You will have to be careful when you move, careful when you stand. Your liver stops producing ketones and glucose. You could experience muscle aches, sensitivity to noise, headaches, irritability, depression, hysteria. The non-essential proteins are the first to go, so basically your body stops paying attention to the things that don't matter. It's only focus becomes staying alive. In the end your body searches for sustenance, anywhere it can find it. In the third stage, your entire system will begin to shut down, your metabolic rate decreases as your organs begin to shrink. The essential proteins are the last to go until eventually all cell function stops as your body basically canabolizes itself." Hunger {film}

My litto tin is working. I've been able to keep in mind what I am working for. I am reclaiming myself if I have to fight for the rest've my life. I am tired of saying: Tomorrow I'll do better, screw today I've messed up royally I may as well keep going. NO! I will not keep going! If I screw up, I screw up. No giving up and deciding it's pointless to keep going and try again tomorrow. That does not exist. Giving up does not exist! Starting tomorrow does not exist! 1,000+kcal in one day is not an option.

I want everything to fall into place like before. I'm tired've crying, tired've fighting, tired've trying. I want to just do, not try. Try shouldn't be in my vocabulary for fuck sake!

I had a taste of hell yesterday. R needs Vicodin for his ankle {he had reconstructive surgery a few years ago and the pins are backing out've his ankle}. His mom had given him a couple of her pills for something I can't remember, it was a while ago, but he wasn't feeling well so she gave him something. He had a dr appointment along with a drug test. They want to be sure he is taking the Vicodin and not selling them. Well it turns out, along with the Vicodin, they saw those pills his mom gave him a month ago. He needed to go back today for a re-test and if it was still there, they'd cut him as a patient. B'coz he's been doing well and I am proud of his dramatic change, I did something I never thought I'd ever do. I mean NEVER!

I covered for him: took a Vicodin so I could pee in a cup for him. It scared me to hell, I can't lie about that! I was very nervous. 
 I asked him what it would do to me b'coz I don't want to experience being high.
He said: It's going to make you feel good.
I said: I don't want to feel good!!!
Well I got what I wanted...
I took one. We went to the grocery for some soup, beets and carrots. Got home, began organising the cupboard so my soups could fit and began seeing double! I felt really lightheaded and dizzy. I had to sit down and call R ASAP for help. I spent the rest've the night in bed trying not to get sick everywhere and endured an odd twisting gashing stomach pain. I couldn't even have water without it causing pain and nausea. All I was able to have yesterday was an apple and some miso shiru.
He's apologised numerous times saying: I'm so sorry I didn't know it would do this to you. When they first gave them to me I experienced euphoria, not this!
During a calm moment I looked up any bad side effects and it said some people get them and need to remember their dr prescribed it for a reason and to hang in there until the body adjusts to the new medication. Hell I don't care if I am ever prescribed Vicodin, I will never ever take it again!!! I told him he better never forget this!
The good thing is that my mind can rest at ease knowing he is tested randomly. I won't ever have to worry about any pill-induced violence anymore. Not to mention being literally unable to eat yesterday cut my cycle I believe. My tummy wasn't right still today. I didn't even think about food.