knickers on my wrist

Okay, what is up with the television? Seriously, what? I was just coming downstairs to clean and fill my pot for coffee when I hear a voice and subconsciously begin listening: 

”That’s what I need to tell you:  to let you know how hard I’m trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart.  Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act; what I feel slamming up against what I should do.  Impulsive reactions racing to solutions miles ahead of my brain.”

How is the television speaking to me? This always happens when I'm entering a bad stage. My brain decides that random conversations apply to me: a stranger's conversation with her mother, a stupid television show, some cap on the radio. Ever have that feeling something is coming? That monster everyone said didn't live in your closet or hide under your bed is now going to show itself, but only you can see it? Goodness gracious this is not good.

For whatever reason, my boss thought that having a form between us, as she had a "talk" with me today, would scare me. It was a form which read: {my full name} is being written up for insubordination. Oh blah, insubordination. For what? Standing up for myself? Or was it perhaps for when I actually didn't cave in and second guess what I knew to be true just b'coz you've authority? Insubordination, hah! At the end of our talk {aka- her mouth blabbering BS, me phasing in and out, wondering how many calories I'm burning by swinging my leg in circles under the table and if I will make it through the day without a binge}. I nearly got myself in trouble b'coz she wanted to get really BS on me saying how she cares about me and how much she's done for me. Now I don't know if she was trying to set me up to look like a rude employee, but it nearly worked! I had to look down b'coz I felt a smile begin to creep up! Now, that would be something I would sincerely apologise for, b'coz as much as I despise her and her childish games, she is my boss and I am supposed to listen to what she say... no matter how utterly and completely ridiculous it may be.

For some reason though, her pretending to care got me the most upset. Well, it probably wasn't even that she pretends to care, but that a lot've people I know simply pretend to care. I never understood why people lie like they do. Consistently at that! They pretend to be trustworthy, to be my friend, and I always fall for it b'coz I want -somewhere in there- despite my overwhelming security and comfort in solitude, I do want someone to be there. And I do like the idea that someone may actually care. 90% of the time it is a meaningless trap that I fall for and ends in pure drama.

Anyway, her false care got me thinking about all that. And then I got angry. At myself of all people! I always end up being angry at myself when someone does something wrong to me. I wish I understood that so I could stop it. I ended up SH, at work. My mind went blank and I just sort've did it in the back by the sink behind the freezer like a zombie. Since it was essentially a blank outburst of emotion, and I wasn't really intending to do it, it is a shallow one. I covered it with a band aid. I'd already gotton burned near there so it looks legit.

Her lies about caring upset me the last time as well. I was sitting on my bathroom counter, feet in the sink, just staring into whatever as I often do wen something is bothering me {don't judge me, the bathroom counter is my safe place}. At first I was following the idea that saying something enough times will make you believe it. So I started off with: cookies are bad, cookies are evil, cookies are poison and will ruin my life. But somewhere along the line my free-willed random traveling brain started thinking about all my boss has said in the past few days. I somehow shifted to: I don't matter b'coz I'm nobody, I'm nobody b'coz I don't matter. You know, it's funny. The thing you want to believe does nothing but frustrate you, and the thing your mind freely wanders to that you already know to be true has the power break you down in seconds. I hate how the mind works.

Since my coworker found out about my SI from the scars on my wrist {I told her it's been years}, and I don't need that flying around at work, I found a way to cover it! I took a cheap lace pair've knickers that I didn't particularly care for, and used the waist to sew a cuff for myself ^__^ the waist on that pair was pretty wide so it gave me something perfect to work with! And it's thin so it'll dry we'll after washing dishes etc.