control, period! {haha that's a pun you'll get after reading}

Of course the lace cuff I made was noticed; but I put together a well conceived lie {not sure if that's good or bad}:

We need to talk. I'll be texting you later.
Huh?
You know what I'm talking about, purple bandit. {b'coz it's purple}
My mum gave it to me. -customers interrupt-
Text- I know you've been having a bad few days, I know the secret, you can talk to me just don't hurt yourself.
I didn't, my mum sent it to me. I told her I like lace and she likes purple so we can match. So in a way I have part've her with me.

Lie, believed. Guilt, activated. Defensiveness, triggered.
It isn't of anyone's business at work what I do in my personal time. Do not pretend to care about me. It may be horrible of me to completely turn away someone's concern for me, but I feel as if a lot've times it is just a person wanting to tattle. Like someone seeing someone else do a bad thing, and then going to that bad-thing-doer and saying "Hey! That's bad! I know it's bad b'coz I'm better than you and I know!" just so they can be above you on something. Is that terribly wrong? Seems like I'm never able to accept a person caring about me. The idea that someone cares seems so foreign, like it must be a mistake somehow.

I really feel like dropping my intake. Or rather, trying for it tomorrow. I wanted to fast, but with work and current stresses, I think it would be a bad idea to knock out food completely. I've skipped breakfast and lunch on a work day before with negative results. It proved extremely difficult. I ended up with my coworker relaying the nights happenings to another coworker, and so on, until everyone decided my dizzy spells were a sign that I was pregnant. I just explained that it was a bad vertigo spell and I couldn't take my medicine b'coz it makes me sleepy {which I do have vertigo but my doctor said Benadryl will do just fine}. Anytime I don't feel well, as far as everyone is concerned, it must be that I have a child in my tummy.

Right. Moving on!

I've started telling everyone I am not able to conceive due to a hormonal imbalance. Now that one is a pure lie. {I'm lying quite a bit lately...} Though, as far as I know, it could be true. My irregular eating habits, spanning through puberty to current has probably affected my body in some bad ways. My periods have been getting odder and odder. In my worst phase of restriction and fasting, I didn't have a period for about 6 months. Now it does all SORTS'VE crazy things! And I mean CRAZY! I spot one month, nothing the next, heavy for a week, light for 3 days and oh my gracious the worst ever was having a full on heavy period for an ENTIRE month straight! Okay so I was given 2 days of freedom but still it was hell!

My apologies, I just sort've inadvertently advertised my menstural cycle to all of blogspot haha! Just rambling whatever comes out've my thoughts!

Anyhoot! Back to the main topic I de-railed from! I want to tap in to my control again by attempting to just flat out resist food as long as possible. I've realised that it's the first bit've food I have that starts the cycle. Maybe if I just don't have that first bit, I'll be fine until I get home. I've confessed my binge habits to R so I can have some help in stopping. I'll bring some soba and an apple to work just in case I feel I can't handle it. I'd rather have that than chips, cheese, pizza sauce, bread, cookies, etc.

Part've what's putting the block on re-gaining the control I had is my blasted work atmosphere! Being around food all the time is terrible when you're trying to get out've a binge cycle. I knew working in fast good would eventually haunt me. When I was looking for a job, I initially wanted to avoid anything centered around food; however with it being my first job, I had no luck -__-

Elegance, control, strength, time to prove myself!