lines can kill

I've been well on not binging and've been brimming about that!!! I was doing fine until about 6p when I developed a splitting headache! I knew it was b'coz I hadn't slept very well last night and also hadn't eaten or drank. I had an apple in an attempt to silence the hammering noise in my head, but to no avail. I nibbled on plain lettuce and olive pieces throughout a 2 hour period to try to help it somehow. I must've been hungry b'coz the lettuce and olives tasted pretty good ^^  it did nothing for my headache, though it dulled it a tad. I started feeling dizzy and weak at 8:30p, that's when all the physical work begins for us: sweeping, mopping, lifting heavy boxes of bread dough and full metal tins of tea, etc. By the end've my shift it progressed to where I nearly got sick all over the floor O.o When I got home, R made some soba noodles, miso shiru and boiled carrots for me b'coz I was too sick to do it myself.

I am confused and a bit frustrated with my body. I've done super the past few days and yet I weighed-in at 98 today! My last weigh-in was 95. How can that be?! I've been having only dinner and I've been at least 100 calories under my limit {lose it! set 887 budget for me to get down to 90 by 16 November}. I weighed before having anything to eat or drink. I'm curious if it may be b'coz I've been eating the biggest meal at the end've the day? Today I'm under roughly 300 calories. Could it be that I am under all the time? Even on my b/p days I'm under at least 10 calories b'coz nothing stays in :( I can't help it, if I know it'll screw up my day I can't keep it. I just can't. I'll give this a week and see where it takes me. I guess I can't exactly throw this plan to the side after only 3 days :P If nothing changes I guess I'll try sticking as close to the limit as possible. I'm thinking I may be trying to drop my calories too quickly. I have a problem of never sticking to my limits. My mind begins to think that even low calorie is too high. I got so bad as to deny myself an apple b'coz it had too many calories...

I'm terrified of going back to that, of not being able to eat more than 200 calories a day... and yet, I am also afraid of being able to eat more than 800 calories. It's as if I am glad that I am afraid to eat too much, but I am afraid for when I can only eat too little.

I am still in touch with A, my second, now ex boyfriend. He always wants to know why we broke up and always says not knowing why torments and haunts him. He can't get over me. I could never tell him b'coz I never wanted to hurt his feelings or for him to see me for what I really am. He knows I have issues but he always makes light of them, as if it is possible for me to just stop or ignore them. If only it were that easy, I would. He would try to stop me from completing or participating in any've my OCD habits.

The worst incident for me: One day we were walking in town, looking for a place to hang out and get coffee, when he decided to pull my hand to make me step over a line with the wrong foot. That, in itself, annoyed me. He knew I can only step over lines and doorways with my left b'coz something bad will happen if I don't. Then I tried to fix it by going backwards and over it again; he didn't let me. He coaxed me to just keep walking. He kept walking saying, "Look, I'm doing it. Everyone does it. You can too!" I stood in front've the line, pondering the idea. Maybe it could be okay. After all, he was doing it, everyone else was doing it, why should I be the only one with the burden? I know in reality stepping over a line with my right foot instead've my left won't really cause anything bad to happen... but one has to wonder. After five long minutes, I agonisingly, nervously, fearfully stepped over it with the wrong foot and left it behind. What happens??? Not ten minutes later my mum calls me, upset, she tells me my grandfather has passed away. I still blame myself for that. It's idiocy b'coz I know a bloody line isn't going to cause my grandfather to pass a thousand miles away, but... I can't explain how it makes sense in my mind, it feels like I killed him. I want to be mad at A and blame him for it, but I can't b'coz I was selfish and wanted to be like everyone else so it's on me... And I feel guilt saying that it is idiocy or saying that I know I didn't do it b'coz it is my fault... but it's not... Oh look at me, fuck sake I'm losing it!

Anyhoot I sent A a long letter that I'd had written up for a while now. I've been scared and indecisive of whether or not I wanted to send it. Now that I have, I regret it. In it, I tell him why we broke up which is essentially my mental issues in type. All but anything about ED. He doesn't need to know that. He can know about SH, about my anxiety attacks, about my OCD, about my irrational fears and worries, about my fear of people, my practiced suicide rehearsals, even the voices in my head, but nothing about ED shall ever reach his mind. For some reason that is one I am never willing to leak.