be new:

To be thin is to be beautiful, to feel beautiful, to be happy, to be new. 新しいになります。 I hope, someday, to see myself as others see me, and to be as light and happy as the leaves that blow in the wind or a beautiful balloon drifting up into the clouds...












Welcome
Hullo my little blueberry tea cups! ^__^ Thankyu for reading and being a part of my life. You help me so much. You give me more strength, determination, inspiration than if I were to be dealing with this alone and no one to speak of it to. I love and appreciate every one of you deeply! I hold each of you dear to my heart.

BEFORE JUDGING, PLEASE READ

ps.- I do not teach or wish to inspire eating disorder for it is a sickenss, not something that can be learnt. Eating disorder midset is something one is cursed with that most likely progresses slowly over the years of one's life: appearing first as a simple diet, moving forward in the form of ednos, and possibly, sadly hitting many full on as anorexia/bulimia. If you do not agree with blogs or people that support the lifestyle of the eating disordered, please leave. This blog is not for you. Please do not judge me b'coz I support others through their difficultiesor b'coz I seek support myself, for we need friends and people to talk to about our problems just as you do. Please do not proceed to tell me what I am doing is wrong, I am unhealthy, I am going to die, I need to gain weight, etc. I know what I am and what I am doing, it is not for you or anyone to tell me. I mean no disrespect for any concern; however, gaining weight and simply eating will not help me. It will make me sicker by causing mental torments.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

no, I do not sit and study my schedule daily b'coz I shouldn't have to

Well, I was scheduled to come in at 4 today. We are given the new schedule every Tuesday, and I write my schedule down every Tuesday. Apparently my boss decided to change my schedule for today, didn't tell me and decided to yell at me for being "late" today. Am I wrong for being upset? Isn't it poor management to change the schedule, not let your employees know you did so, and then scold them for not showing up? Isn't that poor management and unprofessional?! On top've that she claims she spoke to me directly, telling me I worked at 3 today and no longer worked at 4, she did no such thing!
I come in:
"What happened?"
"What do you mean???"
"3 today, it's almost 4..."
"I was scheduled for 4, I wrote it down, I'm early."
"I spoke to you and J, did I not speak to you both about the schedule change?!"
"No...I mean I knew you changed his schedule, but I had no idea mine was changed as well..."
"And what happened last night?!"
"What do you mean???!"
"That was the worst close we've had in a LONG time!"
"What?! Why?!"
"The bane was empty and the place looked horrible, what happened?!" *the bane is where we keep the food stocked up for the next day.
I know I filled it so I just keep quiet b'coz I'm on the low end've the conversation, thus pointless to argue.
"J.S. said you didn't fill it last night. I mean I told him it doesn't matter who does what, if you know, do it. I don't know why he didn't do it if you weren't going to but that's not like you to just not do your job like that."
Then my boss proceeded to lecture me about my work. I just acted like it wasn't affecting me b'coz I'm not going to stand there and be condemned for someone else's set up. DO NOT set me up to get in trouble! It just proves you cannot trust anyone. He was my buddy, but apparently I was wrong. He completely threw me under the bus. I never complained about it b'coz he does his job well, but he is messy and doesn't do the food things properly. He usually does all the cleaning and "man's work" {ie.- sweeping, moping, trash, heavy lifting}, and I handle most've the technical stuff. I wasn't feeling well last night b'coz I'm still sick. {not having a day off to recooperate will, in turn, cause you to take longer to get well.} So, I didn't check up on everything he did, this is why the close last night wasn't all that great. Only b'coz I wasn't up to par to hold his hand last night. And my boss said, in her own words, that losing your voice doesn't really classify as being sick. Just b'coz I am a work horse and will come to work sickor not and I work my ass off for you, so the only symptom you see is my mute-ness, doesn't mean I'm not sick! I said I was sick, I'm not goin to lie about it! I honestly wasn't and still am not feeling all that well!

She is heartless. I had the flu last year and tried to call off b'coz I was literally vomitting every 5min. My coworker said she would come in for me at 6pm. So I worked from 3-6pm, making subs for customers, moving as fast as I could which was basically worse than newbie, running away from the food line to puke in the back, coughing and sniffling. It also figured we were packed and busy as hell on top've it all. Then at 6 my coworker came to relieve me. A few minutes after she arrived the customers slowed down considerably b'coz that's when dinner rush ends. So I called my boss and what does my boss say? She wants me to stay for an hour to help them catch up. I was upset but my coworker was doing me a favour so I stayed to help catch up. With three people it took but 15min. I called my boss back to tell her the customers were manageable again, we'd caught up, and to tell her I really needed to go. She thought I was lying just so I could leave, that I was leaving them with everything to do and a ton've customers and made me stay until close which is 10. Why would I lie when she will see it all logged in the next day and know exactly what time my coworker arrived, exactly how many customers we had and exactly what time we had them? Why would I lie with all that solid evidence?! I ended up having to work the whole shift, vomitting and all b'coz she thought I was lying!

There was another time I was in a car accident. I'd had a concussion, a black eye, deep tissue bruising on my ribs and deep tissue bruising on my leg along with a bruises bone and ankle. It wasn't so much all that as that my boyfriend's car, who was my ride, was totaled. So I called to tell her and her response was a cold: "Well what's wrong with a cab? Can't you call a cab?" Really?!?!?!

Flipping hell I'm pissed about all of it it... Plus I binged again today. It wasn't that bad today though! :D I'm at 97 again. It may not be 96.5, but it's not 97.5 either! ^^



I'm a little brown bird hiding among the leaves.
Just a tiny shy bird pay no attention to me.
If, by chance, I've need to hide,
Away my wings will flap. I'll fly,
Up into the highest places;
Safe, away from judging faces.

I'm a tiny wary bird sitting in my cage.
Just a shy skittish bird waiting for this phase,
To change me into something I know I can be,
Just give this tiny brown bird a chance to be somewhat free.

I'm a small determined bird who tries her very best.
Just a little teeny bird in an enormous nest.

1 comment:

  1. Your boss is a complete and utter BITCH! I want to smack her one! UGH! We had one like that, but she fucked off to the new store (Thank goodness!) You should start looking for another job so you don't have to put up with her bullshit. You don't deserve to deal with that kind of crap!

    I love that poem :D

    Wow, that is REALLY fucked up! There are pretty women everywhere, you just have to know how to look. (Apart from Honey Boo-boo's mum. Dear gods NO!) Gah, she sounds so tactless. *Hugs you*

    It's ok, I understand. I've gained up to 2kg in a day thanks to my body doing weird things. It fluctuates at the drop of a hat, which drives me insane. It goes away again really quickly, but the thought that it won't if I fuck up my metabolism has me forcing myself to eat enough calories to keep it running and keep up with weight training so I don't lose too much muscle mass. It's fucking hard but I keep reminding myself that if I fuck it up I could end up fat forever :(

    I only remember the one boy, was it Marcus? The German boy? He got very busy with University and dropped off the face of the earth :( I hope he's ok.

    Sending lots of love to you. Your blog IS interesting and you're a truly lovely person <3

    ReplyDelete

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