que rambling

I didn't bring home any book pets yesterday, but I did get a hat! It's always either a book {or 5} or a hat ^__^ Yesterday was tiring. I woke up much earlier than I'm used to. I usually wake just before work at around 1p. Although, I really do miss mornings, it's just not practical anymore. If I had my way, I' be sleeping at midnight and waking at 8a the very latest, but preferably half 5 to 6a. Unfortunately if I did that: I'd sitting up alone for 8hrs, going to work for 7hrs, then coming home in company for only an hour half before turning in for bed. As much as I say I need no one, I'd be lonely to only have R's company for an hour half each day. See, R doesn't sleep until 1a at earliest/8a latest b'coz he takes care've things watching after his mum, and doesn't wake until 1p earliest/3p latest depending on how late he slept.

WARNING: Boring material

Little info: R is my first boy. The one who originally gave me all the troubles; posting on other's blog pages, while engulfed in a high, typing hateful things to them disguised as me b'coz it was his idea that you all were at fault for my ED. What with his pill habit causing drama and violence like an emotional tornado, cycling hate words and flying hands at anything that evoked guilt or any utterance of anything he took to be accusation, and his controlling jealousy of anything with a male part having anything to do with me, I left...with the help of him throwing me out b'coz he snooped and found I was planning a stand up date with a jerk who insisted the size of his member was information I needed to know b'coz I am Japanese so obviously I've'nt experienced anything like him before to teach me a lesson. He had high hopes and knew thought I'd come back when he thought I was ready, for I had no where else to go. I didn't know anyone, I'd had no friends. To his shock, regret and surprise, I didn't come back.

Why on this blasted earth would I come back to someone who 1) threw me out with nothing, not so much as an extra set've unmentionables or socks and barely enough money for a room anywhere? 2) refused for a month to let me even get one pair've of extra clothes, and 3) physically hurt me over something so stupid like me not understanding his mumbled swollen tongued speech.

After being kicked out, I stayed the first night at a coworker's. For the next half month I unknowingly shared a motel room with bed bugs {the nasty fowl bloody bastards!!! I didn't figure it out until the second week}. There I lived poorly on one free coupon meal from McDonald's on my off days and one Subway meal if I worked {why I didn't use that time to just starve myself I'll never know}. I'd wash my only pair've unmentionables in the shower nightly before bed and wear them damp the next day. I remember walking down the street and stealing a change of day clothes and a change've sleep clothes from the Goodwill so I wouldn't have to sleep in mt work uniform. I then moved in with another coworker for a month where I actually did starve. Though, not b'coz I'd wanted to, but b'coz I was poor and living miles away from anything, I had no way to get any food. The girl that I lived with there was never home. I think I saw her twice the entire month, literally. Following that, I stayed a few days with a third coworker for the previous had been evicted due to the land lady's decision to sell. Lastly, I found a more secure place with yet another coworker for the remaining time.

I think I cried myself to sleep every night for several months b'coz've all the stress and anxiety I had.

For 6 months R and I were almost completely cut off from each other, without barely so much as a text "hellow". However, we spoke off and on throughout, usually ending with me in anger and ignoring him for another month. Then something changed. Whether it was regret that finally took him, remorse that cut his chain, or finally seeing that something which controls him to make him fire hate and violence at the very ones he holds closest is no way to live and no way to get me back. And I am not going to question it. It was almost a year that we'd been apart when I chose to come back. In fact, I believe it would've been but a few more days to've made it a year of separation. The feelings rejuvenated slowly, passing through a phase of renewed friendship. Most would say I am foolish for returning, but when a change this drastic occurs, how can it be ignored? He listens now, I can cry to him now, I can share and read to him my poetry, I can cook, I can go to the grocery and be allowed to eat the way I want, all things that would've never taken place in the past. I am also able to speak freely of my troubles with food and he now tries to help in any way possible. In the past, any mention of it would instantly send him on rampage! No matter of that though, I still cannot speak of anything really b'coz I am afraid of letting it out anywhere but here. However, when I am ready to admit I need help with binging, he stays with me so I can't. B'coz I refuse to let anyone see me in that state. The only bit've control I've left. The feelings toward him have changed b'coz he has changed. It's been 6 months now that I've been living here again and things are still doing well.

Anyhoot, that's the mush that's been on haha! All the hardship I endured really made me grow up, though I'm still a child I believe. Those were some dark times, but times I needed to form me into who I am.

Well, it's not the nicest weather here right now and it's making my bones ache pretty bad. I think I'm going to sit with some coffee and maybe have a cat nap before grocery.

soba tsuyu

almond milk

strawberries

oranges

I found this picture and thought I'd share.

色は匂へど散りぬるを  -  Even the blossoming flowers will eventually scatter

我が世誰ぞ常ならむ  -  Who in our world is unchanging?

有為の奥山今日越えて  -  Today we cross the deep mountains of vanity

浅き夢見じ  -  And we shall not see superficial dreams

酔ひもせず  -  Nor be deluded.

A poem my grandma taught me a few years ago in Japanese class that she would do with us every Saturday.