suspicions arousing, good gracious

My coworker, Berry, often talks about working out, eating right, etc. I told him excitedly last night about my accomplishment.

I can finally do 25 pushups without a problem! Though you can't see any muscle just yet.
You know you can't build muscle without protein? You don't eat enough- meat, just saying. {I believe he caught himself with the addition of meat}

Also, he usually halves a broken cookie with me if one happens to be there. There was a peanut butter one. He offered and I declined.

Are you sure?

I nod and keep with my tea.

It's peanut butter what's wrong with you?!

I laugh. I had one earlier I'm good on cookies for today. -lie-

So? Why limit yourself? You of anyone needs to eat more- cookies. {he caught himself again and added cookies, I think} Your friggin skinny!

Stop it! I laugh and leave it at that.

I'm not that skinny, really. How does he think that?

I don't ever say anything about food/health/weight unless he does b'coz I don't need any suspicion arousing about me having any sort've ED. There is already a rumour going that I am not who I used to be, I don't work well anymore, I am two-faced, I SH. Well that last one is true but none of their business.

Berry has said something before as well. During a conversation on vegetarianism, in a spur-the-moment mistake, I said that I was surprised at how much weight I lost just from not eating land animals or anything containing high fructose corn syrup. His response was: it's not a bad thing to gain weight you know, especially for you. I responded with a sentence that came out rather like a skippy CD with scratches: O-oh I know. I j- I just meant- I wasn't- you know, doing it for that. I- I feel better when I don't have those things...It's healthier for the body. -divert convo away from me- Did you know pescetarian cultures live healthier lives longer than those who eat land animals?

Also happened a few days ago when boyfriend's friend, Dave, stayed over during a mix up with both his parents and ex throwing him out. {He knows of my previous eating troubles b'coz boyfriend vented to him the first time around when our relationship was hell.} I was just getting over feeling sick from the Vicodin and was conversing with boyfriend saying: I guess I should watch what I eat huh?

Dave: Why do you need to watch what you eat now?

Me: I meant b'coz I'm still sick. You know? Should I eat something like...soup vs...oh I don't know...raw carrots.

He put my mind in a spin for a second, feeling as if I was under scrutiny, standing under a microscope with a spotlight on me, crowd cheering: say the wrong thing! Prove to everyone you've still an ED! Screw yourself over b'coz you're definitel not smart!

I can't remember what our convo was exactly but in so many words he also essentially accused me of pretending feeling sick.

I wasn't upset by it though, just frazzled to find the right explanation that wouldn't come out as a cover-up, b'coz it wasn't, and isn't. Yes, I still have an ED. But at current, it is sadly bulimia and I am trying desperately to stop this b'coz I cannot stand the guilt! There is such guilt with it and it takes over my mind. Guilt to eat b'coz I eat bad things and too much of them, and guilt b'coz I waste food others who need it could be having. I could be buying the food I waste for homeless children instead've my fat pig face for bloody sake!

As much as I've eaten in all my binges put together, I could've probably fed an entire family for at least a month or two...or three, who knows.

Vicodin sick and all, I was rather concerned about what was spinning through boyfriend's head. So I asked him: do you think I'm too skinny too? I mean I eat just fine you've seen it. He said we'd talk about it later but I wanted to know then. Please? Just tell me have I gotton smaller since? He said I have but he said I looked fine and he still wanted to help me stop. {meaning my binges}.

Though I'm happy to say I've done better these past few days and I hope I keep getting better!

Monday I am off!!! Planning on something special as demanded by Peri ^__^ I'm hoping to get an art journal and some watercolours. Now we'll see if I follow through!