something special for the not-so-special

Last night was horrible. I felt so trapped inside my body. I felt like I was being smothered and suffocated; I began to've difficulty breathing. It was most likely the beginning of an anxiety/panic attack, it was frightening none the less. I kept pulling at my skin and fat. I knew it wouldn't just magically come off but I did it subconsciously. I hadn't realised what I was doing and when I did, I stopped; then began again without realising, then stopped again, and so on. Fighting tears and holding in screams of desperation. I am never so scared as when my mind takes over, blurring the line separating reality and insanity. I am falling into a fog.

My mind has rules:

I do not eat crisps

I do not eat chips

I do not cook with the use of oil or butter

I do not eat fast food

I do not eat cheese

I do not eat beef

I do not eat pork

I do not eat fowl

I do not eat game

I do not eat bread

At any point I may break those rules, during a binge or in a phase of stupidity, I feel such guilt and shame and a need to be punished. If I mistakenly think it'll be alright to have any of those things, I still have to hide while I have them. I can't stand to have anyone know I have them at any point. It's the worst shame.

Boyfriend took his dogs for a walk, and in a moment which can only be described as stupidity, I opened a personal sized bag've crisps. I had nearly finished them when e walked in. I was so ashamed I couldn't finish the bag. I thought: Damit all...now what? He's caught me. I must look like such a fat pig right now. I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't eat these and here I am stuffing my puffed up face adding it to my disgusting flabby stomach and ass. The guilt if being caught or possibly being caught is overwhelming.

That thing around my neck has such a hold on me as well. I've been slowly adding to my pendant tin. The more I add to it, the more aware I am of it, and the more I feel as if it's watching me. I can't look at it dangling around my neck when I become a disgusting thing, binging in secret. When I look at it as I'm eating, I feel guilt and shame.

I do not want food;

I need it.

Food is not for taste;

But for nourishment.

Ps- I went out to but myself something special today! I got a cheap set've tube paints and brushes! I only got a $10 set b'coz I'm not worthy of anything better. Plus I've already quality set which I inherited. That's at home with my mum.

I don't deserve it after that crisp episode so I am waiting until tomorrow to use it. If I'm good tonight and tomorrow, I'll get myself a beautiful black art journal. I saw one today, like I've dreamt've having since I can remember! But the bloody thing was $25! I've got a 50% off coupon I'll use tomorrow. IF I'm GOOD. And ONLY if I'm good.

Exercise and ice shower here I come. Black coffee for breakfast tomorrow.