sooo YOUR the one responsible for it being so hard to eat!

HA! i WAS right! and i was just taking a gess! i have said that it is as if the food industries are trying to pack the most calories they can into foods they produce and what do you know? here it is!

"The Truth About Your Weight Gain"

"How did we all get so darn fat?

Well, the simple answer is that we eat more calories. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that American men eat 7 percent more calories than they did in 1971; American women eat a whopping 18 percent more—an additional 335 calories a day! But the harder question is this: Why do we eat so many more calories? Are we suddenly more gluttonous? Do we have some kind of collective death wish? Is the entire country hellbent on qualifying for the next season of Biggest Loser? [haha i laughed when i read this ^.^]

No. There’s an even crazier reason: It’s the food!

We’ve added extra calories to traditional foods, often in cheap, mass-produced vehicles like high fructose corn syrup. These new freak foods are designed not by chefs, but by lab technicians packing every morsel with maximum calories at minimum cost—with little or no regard to dietary impact. Indeed, Eat This, Not That! 2011 has uncovered the truth about some of your favorite fast food and grocery store items and how they're causing you to pack on unnecessary pounds. It’s enough to kill your appetite, which—in these cases, anyway—would be a good thing." ...click the article title to read more about which foods to stay away from...oh gosh the beef patties are as DISGUSTING as what comes out the back of a dog after it has eaten too much human food! i knew there was a reason i didnt favor it -__-

so i was right! haha i just wanted to do the i-told-you-so-thing even if i wasnt really telling anybody, i was merely gessing a reason to why america is becoming so obese and it turned out to be true!

i am super duper excited! boyfriend is taking me on a date to the art museum! :D i looked at a few photos and read up on it and i really think i will love it! and it is free so that is a good plus hehe. if i had a job i wouldnt feel so bad :P gosh i need one! anyway, i really want to see their "wedded perfection" exhibit! :D it showcases wedding gowns from the 1800s. oooh i best charge my camera and empty it out completely! goodness knows i am going to be shooting away! i just hope the lighting is well enough for my camera to take quality photos -///- even on ISO it is quite blurry :P but i have to say i am pleased with its overall performance.

oh! that reminds me! i may be visiting vancouver once more this upcoming summer, i am extra excited for that as well! we took so many photos on that trip! it is such an inspiring place, dripping with an artistic ora at every turn!

oh i cannot wait! i am excited for so much as of late =) for our museum date (though...i think i may enjoy it more than he ^//^), for my possible trip to vancouver which i hope to have a job and save up by then, for next semester of uni that i plan on attending no matter my procrastinative fears, and i may also recieve a new phone. mine is a plain phone. that does not bother me but it is so very slow now and freezes and sometimes does not alert me to calls and messages. boyfriend got a my touch for christmas so i will get his new phone if t-mobile will replace it for me. it is faulty and is said to have a few problems; many other owners have brought it in for an exchange. i am hoping to get a new one in a different color if they will let me change that. if not i am fine with just a good phone.

goodness...haha i rambled again didnt i? ^///^

christmas time! late post, it already came and went XD

hey everyone merry late christmas! :P wow its been. SO. long! O.o i cannot believe how long ive been gone, almost a month! gosh, i gess thats what happens when you just have nothing to say anymore hehe.

i went to gamestop yesterday with boyfriend and i loved the people in there! so many colors and styles and haircuts haha. there were quite a bit of emo teens there which i have to say i am quite fond of them haha! no matter how much people tease them, i happen to adore them loads! ^__^ people should really stop viewing them badly, i think its amazing to be strong and be a certain way even while knowing how people view it. i wish i could pull off the hair! i can do fei zhu liu/ulzzang hair but i dont think emo hair is really my look. ill stick to the more japanese/korean/chinese cuts. i noticed and found it odd that of all places to find an abundance of skinny/thin people that it was a game shop haha. and it wasnt only the emo style teens, it was your everyday person as well. usually one could assume to find bigger people at a game shop rather than anywhere else just for the fact that gamers are often taken to be the sort of people who sit on their asses all day gaming and eating XD but not today ^.^ (ha, and i talk about labels, look at me using labels :P i gess it just happens sometimes though i use them in a non-mean way as compared to some) i wished i could have taken photos of them but the store was so small and so packed that it would have been obvious :/ curses!


i can now say that i am strong enough to knock over boyfriend! XD well, in a very painful way of going about it anyway :P i walked into the dam door! i was walking in, while on the other side of the door, boyfriend was walking out. i must open doors with force or something because i knocked him over HAHA! XD it hurt so bad, i couldnt see out of my eye for a bit. my glasses pushed into my eye and made me involuntarily cry hehe. im surprised i do not have a black eye! thought i do have a light colored line-shaped bruise on the side of my eye.


christmas was an amazing success! my favorite part of christmas is the buying and searching for things to make people i love smile and watching them open it =) 2 months ago i bought a doggie candy cane squeak toy and have been sleeping with it every night. i wanted my smell to be on it so my christmas present, at home in hawaii, could smell me. (my dog chibi. i call her christmas present because i got her for christmas 12yrs ago). she loves to open presents on christmas but my mom said she stopped playing :( i hope she still wants to open it because she smells me...my mom is going to take a video of her for me =)

i got boyfriend an awesome pair of sexy skate shoes heeheee and he is so cute! he got me a necklace with a skeleton key and heart inscribed with our names. i love him dearly and deeply with all my heart! i had made him a christmas eve video for him. since i keep lovey dovey thing between us when no one else is around, i thought id make him a video to post on youtube...in front of the big big wide world, to show him that i am not ashamed ^//^ heeheee it makes me blush to know i made it and people are seeing it, but he loved it and im glad! i didnt tell him i made it. i just posted it from youtube onto his facebook wall and waited till he found it. well, he woke before me and found it and watched it and then came to wake me up with a big hug and the biggest cutest smiling face ive ever seen on him! heehee! ^.^ i love him so! i will show you the video but im going to take it down after a few days. i did not talk because well...i defo do not sound like a 21yr old girl, i sound more as if i am 12 haha! :P you girls have not seen me so...here i am ^//^

[video has been removed]

frozen dinners are EVIL!

when i get material and a sewing machine in the far future, i am sewing that sweater! haha i love it! :3

i havent written in a bit. its been stressful, hard, worrying, scary, painful and horrible for a bit. but things have calmed down so im back =)

gosh ive had the absolute worst period ever! it hurt so badly i couldnt move the other night. it gets bad after i miss a month and ive been missing every other month fo quite a while now. so, its been a bad period, every period -__- only this time was much worse.

ive sold 2 sweaters and im so happy! im almost finished with one :3 i wish there was a way for me to get more sales, its proving to be a bit difficult to get it out there. ive been looking for a job and have applies to about 7 places so far. its pretty limited since ive no experience but im trying my hardest! i aaalmost could have scored a photography job though but i lack the proper equipment...haha i gess that means i cant say almost haha! i wish! ive to save up at least $1000 before i even think of a photography job! O.o speaking of photography, ive been debating on beginning a photography blog. of course i take picture alot but i havent been taking quite as much as i should be. im very harsh on my photos so my photography portfolio is lacking.

as for my eating, ive been eating more salads for lunch/dinner, baby carrots/apples for snacks. ive been feeling pretty good about myself food-wise. oh goodness, beside one huge mistake i made last week! i was having a good day and let myself have a frozen dinner. bad idea, i cannot say it enough, bad bad bad idea! 1) i ended up eating the entire thing even though i was full halfway through -__- it was a hungryman. hungry. MAN! not hungrygirl, not hungryfemale, not hungrywoman, hungryMAN. so its obviously bigger, duh. 2) it was greasy and i overkilled on the bbq. 3) frozen dinners/pre-packages foods are not very good for your body in the first place. 4) it started a binge feeling which was super hard to control. i was already full from the hungryman but i still ate other things. and last/worst of all, 5) after i ate it i looked on the back. it was...900calories! O.o holy. SHIT! thats my cal limit! (my "healthy" daily cal amount is 1200, if i was eating up to that amount, that would leave me only 300 for the rest of the day!) so obviously i totally hated myself after that and wanted to purge it so badly. i ate my whole daily allowance in one meal not to mention what i had eaten previously that day. tsk tsk tsk, shame on me. never again hungryman, never again.

welp, ive got to get back to the sweater! ^__^

there is So much i want to do! but gess who made progress?!

last night as i lay on my back in my undergarments, propped up by my elbows, i saw something i wish i hadnt. my flubbery ass bulges past the sides of my hips. it nearly engulfs them. it is so jello-y and large that i couldnt tell where my thighs ended and my backside began until i sat up O.o to me, that is not natural, that is not a bit beautiful, that is not a girlish figure. its horrible and not something that should be there! i expect to see a bit of my ass when i lay in that position, but never would i have expected it that much! i had to keep looking to be sure i wasnt overweight again. every time i pictured myself i swore when i peaked id be as i was at 14.


i have never admitted how overweight i was then, but i suppose as long as i never go back EVER, it doesnt matter. (i forbid myself and vow never to pass 107lbs. 100 is bad enough, 99 is ok i suppose. seeing the numbers 100 + on a scale i step onto is one of my biggest triggers and fears; along with excessive use of butter/oil, feeling over full and seeing/noticing my fat) ...i was almost 40lbs overweight T.T when i sat on the toilet my thighs went overside the seat rim, i had rolls in the rolls in my tummy, not one section of my thighs had any space space between them what-so-ever (ill elaborate on that in a bit). i bet if i tried to have sex at that age, whoever was gross enough to fuck that nasty body couldnt get their dick past my thighs to get to where it needs to go! i bet they'd end up using my thighs as a hole instead haha! my face was chubby as hell, i had a double chin, i had braces and though i loved and miss them, they did not help my appearance...i looked horrible! i know 40lbs overweight is not nearly as far gone as some and you may think i am making a big deal of a little thing; but i hated myself more than any other period in my life and that emotion is real enough. i absolutely abhorred my image. no pictures ever unless i was forced. i only have but a handful of pictures that included me in my teens. my appearance was poor because i had no enthusiasm; why make yourself nice if no matter what you wear you are ugly? and on rare occasions i tried to do myself up, id look in the mirror and never be good enough. any pictures taken of me, i hated and cringed to look at. people who say i must have been a cute kid are out of their mind. unless fat kids are your thing, then you wouldnt want to know. at 14 my doctor looked at me in that parenting way as if to say "honey, you need to take responsibility"and suggested i exercise and eat healthy. it was the first time i had heard of the 5-6 meal a day lifestyle change. though i abused it gradually with ana for 7yrs, it is not a starvation/anorexic diet as some think, but a healthy lifestyle change that everyone should really consider whether they are trying to lose weight or not. at 17 she noticed i lost 28lbs in a short amount of time and inquired if i was anorexic or bulimic. now what child would admit to that? though i didnt know i was at the time. halfway into my 19th year was when i first discovered that throwing up and not eating is not normal. before then i didnt think anything, it was just my normal routine.......sorry, i rambled ^^'


anyway i said id elaborate on the thighs. 7yrs ago, the whole length of my thighs touched from my crotch down to my knees, but i got that to go away to where it only touches at the very top and you would only know if im in my undergarments/bikini. i have gained 10lbs in the last month and my thighs were touching more than just at the top. that grossed me out. so, a plus side to last night, when i was laying down: i got more of my gap back!!! :D a couple weeks ago, no matter if i laid down on my back with my knees bent, my thighs would still touch. now they dont! :D i can pass a finger through without it touching at all! now if i can pass 3 fingers side by side then that will give me the gap i want when i stand up! yay! its working! im toning my thighs slowly but surely. that made up for my horrendous ass :P its getting toned gradually as well though.


i want to do SO many things! every night i lay there next to boyfriend and think of all of it. im so excited for the day they happen that it takes me a while to sleep some nights :3 i want to get a sewing machine and sew me clothes, i want to make a vegetable garden with bricks or a wood box, i want to have a flower garden, i want to crochet so many things, i want to learn to knit, i want to build things, i want to buy things, i want to get charcoal and draw (its my best medium), i want paints, i want to learn to draw better, i want to take ceramics and photography, i want to take a yoga class and a dance class perhaps ballet, and lastly, the most hypocritic: i want to model. that is the least of the rest but its something im casually interested in.


the reason i say "hypocritic" is that i hate my figure. does someone who hates their figure want photos taken of them? no haha not usually. ive pondered on that for some time now and i realized it last night. i am at a weight which it is possible to use clothing as an illusion. like i said, unless you saw me in my panties you wouldnt see my thighs touch and unless i lifted my shirt you wouldnt know ive tummy fat because i wear over-sized clothing ^__^

oook, so this post was ALL over the place! i hope you can make sense of it ^//^ im tired and my mind is just everywhere. ill try for more organized rambling next time haha.

thin and body-loathing, or fat and body-loving?

gosh that picture is amazing! i didnt notice the doe standing in the background and the one laying behind her until the moment i put it in my post ^__^ she just looks so magical and...well, something i cant put into words. this is an amazing photo. whoever made it did a wonderful job.

ive been looking around the LB forums and ive noticed that 90% of the time, the girls who say they are fat and have a bad figure are skinny or thin and the girls who say they are thin and glad to be shaped like a twig are on the chubbier side with thick thighs and a backside on the larger side. interesting really. it kind of makes you think you have to be chubby to have confidence O.o hahaaa no thanks! XD id rather spend my life hating my body and actually being skinny than being the girl who thinks she looks good. i mean, nothing wrong with some self confidence and loving your body but thats just not how i want to be.

i saw the co-star from the new thriller, black swan, on jimmy kimmel tonight. she said she lost 20lbs for the movie. she said she exercised loads, did alot of ballerina training and ate fist-sized meals 5x a day. she said she was always hungry??? i dont get that. if you eat every 2-3hrs, once your tummy adjusts, your never hungry cuz your tummy never gets a chance to be empty, so how in the world was she hungry all the time??? when i actually get myself to eat that way without feeling like a pig for looking like i eat all the time (not to mention eating when my tummy doesnt growl for food makes me feel like a gluten). eating fist-sized meals is something doctors are trying to get more people to do on a daily basis as a lifestyle change because it is much healthier than eating 3x the amount 3x a day. its bad for digestion and metabolism. also, if you ask me, she looked gorgeous in the movie! i have no idea what would posses her to go back O.o

i went to the grocery today! i got a bag of romaine lettuce hearts, baby carrots, a cucumber, 3 gala apples, a cup of plain yogurt, tuna, almonds, lite italian dressing (surprisingly kind on the calories!), and some popcorn :P i like my sweets, it kettle corn ^^ so i had salad for dinner tonight! yay! man it feels good to eat right! it makes all the difference because i feel good about myself today, almost wonderful in fact =) though ive been slacking on the exercise, only been doing my routine once a day, but im glad i havent stopped.

grocery list and some good recipies!

as you probably know, im a list maker ^//^ so ive made a list of what i plan to buy once i get a steady income...though i found out today that kmart is no longer hiring; after i waited almost a month for my app to be reviewed and was told it would be gotten too. i was so hopeful -__- oh well. anyway heres what i got!

ahi
artificial crab
avocado
bananas
bean sprouts
broccoli
cabbage
canned crab
canned salmon
carrots

celery
crab
edamame
eggs

fat-free cheddar

fat-free cream of celery

fat-free cream of mushroom
furikake
garlic
grain bread
green beans
green grapes
green onions

i cant believe its not butter
japanese veggies
lettuce
mushrooms
nametake
oatmeal

oatmeal bread
ochazuke nori
onions
okinawan sweet potatos
panko
plain yogurt
plums

portabella mushrooms
rice

skim milk
salmon
spinach
spinach tortilla
sour cream
soy milk
swiss
tomatoes
tofu
wakame
won bok
yogurt

ive made several recipes, most of which i thought of as i made my grocery list. i tried to make them simple and require the same ingredients so i have more choices with less groceries to buy. the majority of them have a japanese/asian twist to them to meet my taste buds ^__^

1) rice, edamame, wakame, nametake
2) rice, tofu, salmon or ahi, shoyu
3) stir fry: rice, crab, mushrooms, tofu, broccoli, bean sprouts, green beans, shoyu, sesame oil, salt, pepper
4) stir fry: cabbage, salmon or ahi, mushrooms, green beans, celery, garlic or shoyu, pepper
5) low-cal seafood sandwich: crab, salmon or ahi, plain yogurt, grain or oatmeal bread, pepper
6) salmon and mashed potatoes meal: salmon, mashed potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onions
7) mushroom burger: portabella mushrooms, salmon or ahi, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, plain yogurt, pepper, lemon juice
8) salmon patty: salmon, potato, eggs, onion, panko
9) fry rice: rice, broccoli, fat-free cream of mushroom, fat-free/skim milk, onions, low-fat/reduced-fat cheddar
10) broccoli soup: broccoli, fat-free cream of celery, celery, onions, mushrooms, low-fat/reduced-fat cheddar
11) curried tofu rice: rice, tofu, mushrooms, curry powder

I CANT WAIT TO GET A JOB AND EAT HEALTHY! :D ive been having a chain of several bad body image days recently T.T i mean, i almost always have a bad body image but lately it has been much worse. i need to do something soon and change the way i eat. its bad for me mentally and health wise. as long as i eat healthy i feel better mentally. this morning i had toast with a thin layer of honey, blueberries and blueberry tea and i felt great all day and defo more motivated! no grease, no butter, no oil, just a smile and my mind accepting food and actually enjoying it! :3 starting my day with one good food decision helps me tremendously throughout the day!



gosh i want to COOK! i miss cooking! i cooked quite a bit and have always wanted to try new recipes and try my hand at making my own. too bad no one would eat my cooking really haha! its all made with veggies and asian flavors so...more...for me? ...not sure i can relate to that statement today but im trying...i can on some days :P ive been good about keeping my calories above 500 though. when i first started recov i was only able to eat 300cal a day. well, when i regained control of myself after my out of control pre-recovery binging which i regret HORRIBLY! being re-introduced to food after eating 200cal or less a day is rrreeeaaalllyyy bad! it made me binge :P i went back to sneaking downstairs and eating a ton almost everyday, sometimes 2-3x its appalling how much i can eat and bloat during a binge! O.o and the wost part about it is i couldnt purge anymore if i wanted to stay here so...i gained weight in all the wrong places -__- most recoveree's that eat way more than they are used to without gradual transition usually gain all the weight back into their mid/lower section...ya, isnt it nice how you find that out after the fact? -__-

ive been reading this book entitled "Dracula, My Love". im only a few pages in but im in love with it! ive had it for 2 weeks and havent read much :P but im getting more into it now.

ummm...update? (sometimes a title is hard to come up with)

well it seems ive gained a bit of blogging inspiration. i was going through lazy phase where didnt exactly feel like blogging but now ive been keeping up with it a bit better. ive been working on new patterns for my puppie crochet business =) some are a little harder than others like this certain puff stitch sample pattern ive done and re-done 15x, but im trying my hardest! ive also been trying to get that job at kmart! getting a job there has proven to be quite harder than i thought, its been almost a month since i called in -__- i went in today but the hiring manger wasnt there and they suggested i come back tomorrow at 8am so im going to do that.

as far as exercise and stretching goes...ive been a bad girl! ive misseds 2 days! i can feel the difference already O.o i was going to start again today but that would mean i missed an even amount of days, so im starting back tomorrow instead, making it 3 days ive missed :P NO EXCUSES! i found out that stretching the areas in your thighs that you have worked out is a very important factor in slimming thighs. since you use your legs muscles most out of all your muscles in your body (because you use them to walk and get from place to place), they bulk up alot quicker than your other muscles would when you exercise them. so Beck, you were right! doing squats will slim them down in the beginning (which, gladly, they have slimmed down considerably from what they were) but as you keep doing them, it will start to bulk up your thighs and your ass bigger! O.o sooo...ya, i dont want that! im going to cut way down on the squats! im going to work on leg lifts, and make sure i stretch my legs out well after im done. that will also be good to improve my flexibility =) last month it was So poor! i could barely reach the middle of my shins in a toe touch much less grab by toes! but now i can grab my feet; if i do a standing toe touch i can touch my hands flat to the floor! next thing to work on are splits.


this is a picture of how i want to cut my hair =) i want whats on the left, im on the right :P (ya, not one of my best pics but the only one i have where you can get the gist of how my hair is now) im not sure if ive posted this before with a different picture. i had wanted to do it differently before but i hadnt taken into consideration that it wont look the same on me as it does on the girl i saw it on, plus i have glasses. i once cut my hair without considering my glasses and they caused my hair to poke my eyes X.x anyway im really excited for this! =) im looking forward to seeing something different when i wake in the morning and look in the mirror. ive been trying to figure out what to do with my boring hair for about 5yrs now O.o im very nervous when it comes to cutting it, every haircut ive had ive regretted so im ready to change that!

lastly for this post, there is something i dont quite understand: im eating 600cal more than i was but my hair still falls out like crazy, i still spot sometimes instead of getting a full monthly period if i get it at all, my nails are still thin and sort of see-through, i still get weak, my skin is still so dry and i still have such bad blood circulation! my legs and arms/hands fall asleep alot. im eating healthier now...wait, let me rephrase that: im eating more now so why all the symptoms??? the only thing that has gone away is that blue-ish thing that was going on with my nails. well, that and the severity of the dizzy migraines. i think maybe the reason could be from what i eat versus how much i eat.

alice...is that...your ass??? O.o

Beck asked me in a comment on "so...underweight isnt underweight if its underweight because everyone else is fat...its normal"

"May I inquire as to where you're obtaining your data? For instance, how you know the average BMI of some Japanese girls is as low as 16? Just curious, because that would mean that I am actually at a very normal weight (were I to live in Japan, that is)!"

Beck, i got my data from WHO (the world health organization) and other medical site articles. im sorry i did not save the addresses otherwise id give them to you if you wanted them. i pulled the information from 3 different medical sites that had an article on health in japan.

you know, i really want to live there! the more i think about it and the more i leanr about it, gosh its heaven! i could be 85-89lbs and not look gross to people, i can be accepted, shyness wouldnt be mistaken for hate because many of them are shy as well, alot of them bycicle or walk everywhere so they are in shape (in the cities where i want to live anyway), they are in a BIG health and exercise boom right now so they are fit/muscular (in a beautiful girl-figure way), their style is amazing, their stuffed animals are cute as fuck! (im a big stuffed animal lover ^^) i wouldnt be looked at as a slut/hooker/ho for the clothes i wear because thats what they wear (i swear america is close-minded-sex-focused/driven). ok, anyway...

i took some pics to show you guys what i look like now. i want to make updates on my progress. please, if you laugh or cringe, be kind and dont tell me haha! seriously though...dont X.x i gained all the weight back into my lower body! :/ sooo thats what 10 extra lbs of recov-binging will do huh? well, if i wanted to know and this was natures way of giving me the answer, i say "i didnt ask! it was the person sitting next to me!"

i drew lines on a couple of them to show you what i will change in time hopefully as i eat healthier and start doing more. and i have a question for you! i do alot of squats, does that cause your but and thighs to get bigger/bulk up or does it slim them down? i know spot reduction exercises are a load of bull because you have to eat right and do cardio to burn away the fat to actually see your toned muscles. but im trying to find the right exercise to tone and slim my thighs and but down. those are my worst/most embarrassing feature, the reason i tip toe in the nude/bikini/underwear. my tummy pooch i can deal with if it never goes away but id like to feel comfortable in a bikini so my thick thighs have GOT to go!

front view: cant see my abs (though they're there) cuz like i said, ive fat to burn :P and those arent love handles, they're my hips haha ive got larger ones.

side view: see my tummy pooch?

ahhh there! MUCH better when i pull all the chubbiness away! i can live without seeing my ribs...unless im in japan ha! but this is what i need to do.

now on the the more embarrassing lower part of my body. no laughing now! giggling is permitted XD if you were able to muster out a "she doesnt look too bad! she's skinny at least." well, its about to go away. i admit it looks like i have an okay/if its not gonna get any better-gap there, but i was to shy to let them touch and show you girls how chubby it makes me look :P i bowed my legs.

EDIT: and one more thing, its not a camel-toe haha! ^__^ its a polka dot XD i just realized it

my backside: once again, its not love handles (or my tummy pooch looking bigger than it is), its my large hip bones haha i think they make the most difference when im underweight. if it werent for them i think it'd be much less noticeable. also, my but and thighs look fatter than they are cuz my left leg in the background sort of blends in with my right leg XP but ya, ive a huge but! no offense to black girls but i have a black girls behind O.o
(just in case, let me state that i am not racial, i have many black friends. they look fine with big backsides, it suits them) anyway imagine wearing a bikini with that! oooh how my body betrays my shameful horror of weakness in unhealthy eating and lack of cardio :P

i am the japanese girl who lacks the beautiful bodice of a japan girl...

if your not ready, STOP IMMEDIATELY!

what a cute tattoo! if i got one it would be something classic and cute like this. oh! maybe the original tigger :3 or a silhouette of a bird. i had an idea to have a vintage bird cage with the door open and a flock of birds flying out of it, but have one bird on the swing/perch left by his lonesome.

i began to re-measure myself but i started to get depressed and want to cry...i gess im not ready for that yet...not feeling to great about myself now because of it...curious how 1-1.5 inches can mean so much to me, but it REALLY does! i know im on the right path but seeing how the numbers have gotten so large just...puts my mind into relapse thinking. i mean, i always have moments of relapse thinking but so far so good, i havent given in to them yet. i dont plan on it, ive come too far. i just have to start getting into some cardio so i can begin to burn off all this un-needed fat around my tummy. then ill feel much better when i can actually SEE my abs and ill actually have a flat tummy. i dont want an almooost flat tummy, i want it FLAT! an almost flat tummy is fine for other girls, but im not other girls, im me, and thats not what i want for me. i want to like my tummy...no, i want to LOVE my tummy! =) i want my tummy, my legs and my arms to be exactly like this, well, as close to it as i can get anyway:

nice flat tight tummy, thin legs with a space between the thighs and no-jiggle arms =) gosh i would love myself to death! i would feel sexy and probably not tip toe when im in my underwear or bikini ^//^ i dunno why i do that though, i know its definitely a self conscious thing. i dont feel free when im naked, in underwear or a bikini, i feel self conscious and i dont want that anymore. im tired of it. i can live without having my bones be noticeable, i just want to let myself just be and do without that "have you ever felt like you were being watched?" feeling. i think this girls figure is perfect for society standards =) im aiming for this now! healthy, happy, content, fit and toned.

my exercise routine is now in my sidebar under my meal plan if anyone wants to know or has any suggestions on anything i should add or remove (advice is MUCH appreciated!). im trying to flatten/tone my tummy, tone/thin my thighs to create a pleasurable 1" gap, tone/firm my but, and tone my upper arms a tad. my arms are getting there pretty well, but im having trouble with the rest X.x if you have any ideas id like to hear them! =) you can put it in my cbox or in a comment if you will, thankyu much! you girls are always so wonderful to me! ^__^

have you considered adding one of the most healthiest foods out there, into your diet?

my body:

cons: (the things i dont like in case i got it wrong) - [9]
flabby arms
tummy pooch (i can pinch and inch...and a half -.-)
big thighs that touch at the top
calves jiggle
stretch marks
big yellowish buck teeth
dont like my lips really (but i dont care too much about that)
need to work on skin care
my hair

pros: - [7]
i gess im...pretty? ok, im going to say i look cute, that i can sort of admit/agree with :3 sort of
i can pull off the japan look
i like my eyes
i have long feminine fingers
long legs
despite my self consciousness about my hips, i like that they are big (gives me curves haha)
my hair

(my hair is in both pros and cons cuz i half like it and half dont :P hopefully i can love it after i get something done with it...its QUITE unruly on a daily basis!)

my self/personality:

cons: - [9]
shy
timid
door mat
nervous
weak
scared
unfocused
feeling guilty without being guilty
feeling that im wrong without being wrong

pros: -[7]
unique
cute (ya ya dont mock me ^.^)
haha im japanese!
i speak japanese well
determined
strong
focused

(huh...what'd ya know. i didnt even pre-count my pros and cons for my body or my personality and yet its the same amount for both lists, 9 cons and 7 pros.)

im SUPER excited abeout this meal plan! i feel a little wrong to admit this, but my mouth waters every time i think of it ;P i love steamed veggies! i also really miss tofu and fish! it was a weekly thing, as well as:

daifuku mochi (in english...rice patty, rice ball, rice...dessert???)

it just tastes good but i dont recommend to eat it too much, it is a dessert after all and contains quite a bit of sugar!

gohan (rice)

good source of vitamin B1

stabilizes blood sugar levels, provides fast energy, improves skin and blood pressure

helps prevent against dysentery, alzheimers, and heart diseases

its cholesterol free and doesnt have any bad fats or sodium

improves bowel movement

some doctors say it has certain fibers that protect against cancer cells

mixing powdered rice with water and applying it to the skin can reverse some skin blemishes

maccha/matcha (green tea)

they say drinking 4-6 cups of green tea a day prevents cancer

it slows/prevents cancer in colon, other areas of the digestive tract, breast, prostate, lungs, skin and liver

fights against rheumatoid arthritis, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease,

impaired immune function, tooth decay and infection

EGCG is an anti-oxidant found in green tea which kills cancer cells without harming healthy tissue

drinking green tea helps you burn more calories throughout the day as opposed to other caffeines

shoyu (soy sauce)

i dont recommend too much of this either, high sodium...ahhh but its my weakness! XD

tamago (eggs)

good for your eyes and may prevent cataracts

one egg has 6g protein and all essential amino acids

may prevent against heart attacks, blood clots, breast cancer and strokes

it is a good source of choline which helps to regulate the nervous system, brain and cardiovascular system

edamame (soy beans)

excellent for skin!

low calorie protein

improves heart health and bone health

nori (seaweed)
2 sheets a nori a day:enough to provide you with the daily required amount of vitamin A.vitamins B1 and B2 equal to 2oz of pork.double the amount of vitamin C if you were to eat 2 tangerines instead.the same amount of iron as drinking 2.5c milk.

konbu (seaweed prepared a different way)

katsuo fumi furikake (ummm is it called rice seasoning in english???)


oh and nametake!!! (enoki mushrooms)

contains vitamin B1, B2, and E

low in calories but contains a good amount of protein and carbohydrates

helps brain development, high cholesterol, and those with hypertension

prevents arteriosclerosis and increases sugar and fat metabolism which helps weight loss!

i want to start eating tiny meals more frequently again. i was doing that for a long time until i moved when i went down to one meal a day. its healthy, good for metabolism and for digestion. im really looking forward to this. it will really improve my self image i think, i feel better about myself just thinking about it. i will be healthier which is a big thing for me! im tired of eating things that are bad for me. i want to live a long healthy life =) when i can, im planning on eating tofu and veggies daily and definitely katsuo fumi furikake and namitake!!!

i also want to try natto! (fermented soy beans)it is a staple japan food and, most often than not, it is eaten daily. its very healthy for you! =) its rumored to prevent cancer, alzheimers, obesity, dysentery, osteoporosis, blood clots, high cholesterol, heart attacks, strokes, and reverse hair loss. as i mentioned, those are just rumors/theories being researched; but it does in fact, reduce aging (like wrinkles and deterioration of health and eyesight), improve digestion, and it has vitamin K2, B2 and PQQ. B2 and PQQ are a vitamins that keep your skin looking young and healthy =) so of course im excited to try it! the only reason i havent is because people say the smell is too strong for them to eat it. but im willing to try! =)

thanksgiving dinner? ahhh why not? :3

im late but happy thanksgiving girls! :3 i know its a hard time for all of you and i hope you survived ok without too much panic. im happy to say that this is the very first enjoyable holiday meal that ive had and you know what? i smiled through it! ^__^ i ate without over eating. though i admit i ate a tad bit more even after i was full, but i didnt feel a bit guilty for it! i didnt panic at the thought of what was in my food, how many calories there were, how many pounds i was gaining as i ate, or how gross id feel after i ate. in fact i didnt even feel any of the normal side effects eating has on me.

ive made a new, simple, meal plan for myself. one i can defo follow! its in the sidebar in place of the modified ABC. i gess im not that far yet cuz i still screw up :P since ive returned from vancouver, the only meal plan ive been following is trying to stay away from greasy/oily foods and not over eating/being sure i stop as soon as im full. ive been making sure to drink water during my meals and have been staying attentive to how close to full i get. i allow myself to be full but i stop as soon as i realize it. its been working pretty well! my calories are usually between 700-900. im finding that to be the hardest to go against without feeling horrible. its a huge OCD for me as well as for most of you. that and cooking with butter/oil/salt. thats partially from the way my family cooks i think cuz my mom does it too...i had no idea how many things can be inherited. i recently found out that i posses a characteristic of my father that ive never even witnessed! O.o (as a child he always apologized to his mother for being sick when he was. he felt he was inconveniencing her. obviously i wouldnt know about it seeing as i wasnt born ^__^ but i do the same. i apologize to anyone who is taking care of me, for being sick.) anyway, i wanna eat mostly veggies for my lunches. that will be more and more possible when i eventually have money coming in. i think it sounds awesome to have a light but substantial breakfast, a salad and some fruit for lunch and fish or tofu and steamed veggies for dinner! i hardly eat red meat as it is so im good in that area but i dont think i really like chicken anymore either O.o never thought id say that honestly XD i thought that would be my only flaw to becoming full pesco. im growing tired of chicken, oh well, cant hurt right?!

EDIT: ...wanna know a reason why i prefer fish to any other meat? like i said, red meat stinks to me unless its cooked a certain style, i cant eat too much of it without grossing out. but the main reason why i cringe at the thought of eating real, un-processed red meat or fowl is because it reminds me of muscle. the way it strings when you tear it apart...if you look at a human muscle anatomy chart, our muscles look to me like they'd come apart stringy when you eat it the way chicken does and beef does when its tender (like roast). if i dont remember/picture that while im eating, im ok. but once i think about it its ruined. kinda turns my stomach and then it starts smelling bad like rotting flesh... O.o

ive been doing core exercises for the past week and a half and my abs are starting to show! AND ive got small girl-biceps now yay! :3 i am happy. all i want is less flab, less loose skin, less jiggles, a tight flat tummy, and a 1" space between my upper thighs! is that too much to ask? haha it really is if im not doing any cardio XD so for that, shame on me. ive got the muscles under there hiding, i just need to burn the fat covering them is all. i still have a tummy pooch but its not as bad as it was. ive also been stretching daily and am proud to say that when i go to touch my toes, i can now touch the length of my fingers flat on the floor!!! im working on getting my palms to lay flat and being able to do splits...O.o gosh, that will be a bit...

i FINALLY got hand sanitizer in key chain size! :D ive been looking everywhere and of corse when i want it, no one carries it anymore :P i was So happy when boyfriend came home with it for me the other day. i pulled off the ugly brand stickers and drew a cute face on it XD i was about ready to buy a regular small hand-sani and crochet a holder for it haha! now i wont have to gross out the whole time after someone touches me. now its like: "wanna shake my hand??? ummm...--i got hand sani!--...ok i gess if you gotta." haha! instead of "oooh shit...i have to meet people...that means shaking hands...nasty! what did you touch?! im dirty, im dirty, im dirty, imddirtyimdirtyimdirty! gotta wash gottawashgottawashgottawash! ewww the dirt is moving up my arm!" at least its not as bad as it was. id yell at my mom and brother for touching me and run straight to the bathroom! and for people i didnt know, id just stare at their hand instead of shanking it.

i made my first sale in my new business and so far i have 3 other customers! one girl wants a little turtle costume for her puppy! so cute! right now, since im starting out, if they have any ideas on what they want me to make, i just see if i can figure a way to make it if i can. that way i dont have to turn down any customers i may get unless i havent the skill to do what they ask. i need all the money i can get! ive got people to buy presents for! ^__^ that is the funnest part of Christmas, buying things for others.

also, new profile pic, new photos, and new music in the side bar! :3 i am in love with every song on that playlist ^__^ lemme know what you think!

so...underweight isnt underweight if its underweight because everyone else is fat...its normal

these are all photos of angelababy :3 i love angelababy! she is so pretty and makes a wonderful model! i wish i could kiss her...but anyway! moving on! haha! i hope i can be a model or look model-ish someday =) i got curious and checked her height and weight. i didnt have to bother checking her age, she was born 2 months and 8 days before me =) she's the only asian model i know of that is my age. she is chinese but lives in japan. anyway, she is 168cm/47kg (5ft 6in/103lbs). how annoying! she is 3 inches taller than me but weights 4lbs less?! uggg, if i didnt like her so much id be forced to dislike her for that fact but of course thats what she weighs, look where she lives. according to america's lowest height weight ratio, she is at least 15lbs underweight, but in japan she is average. its annoying how much it sucks to live in a country where the majority of people are obese/fat/overweight/chubby. i have every belief that it is probably because of that, that the charts ratio so high. i mean, what other reason is there? (its not just the models cuz thats a bad thing to go by if i did) but its the majority of the female population in japan. 85% of them are underweight by american standards. there are so many japan people who come to visit america and eat the normal amounts they always do, but gain weight. its because of these reasons:

1) we are a gluttonous country
2) we eat an excessive amount of red meats and starches
3) we cook in an excessive amount of oil, grease, salt and butter
4) we add sugar and sauces to everything without any consideration for health
5) our food industries seem to pack the calories into every food they sell/we eat as if they are trying to see who can jam more calories into the smallest amount of food

"People who live in Japan can expect to remain in good health longer than anybody else in the world, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO). WHO scientists have developed a new way of calculating the number of years that a person can be expected to live in full health. It is known as the DALE (Disability-Adjusted Life Years) system, and gives a truer picture of the health of a country than simply studying death rates. Using the system to rank the world's 191 countries has uncovered some surprise findings. In Japan the average healthy life expectancy is 74.5 years. Australia is second and France third on the list, but the US ranks only number 24. Dr Christopher Murray, director of WHO's Global Programme on Evidence for Health Policy, said: 'The position of the United States is one of the major surprises of the new rating system. Basically, you die earlier and spend more time disabled if you're an American rather than a member of most other advanced countries.' The reasons why the US rates so low may be partly due to the very poor standard of health. Rates of coronary heart disease are also high."

i looked at the chart of countries to find out how long americans stay healthy as apposed to japan; the average american is only healthy up to 70yrs of age while the average japanese person is healthy up to 74.5yrs of age. so it must not be THAT bad to remain 10-15lbs underweight if they all live healthier, longer than we do (well, provided they are not throwing up though) :P i mean, its not like they are, so called, underweight because they are anorexic, that isnt what i am saying. im just saying that: is how much i wanted to weigh (75-80lbs) and how healthily i wanted to eat, really all that bad if it is the average way a japan girl lives her life? maybe i am not really sick, maybe what i am is normal in another country. and look! that country lives longer than the so called "normal" eaters in america! looking at these facts, are you sure that the people around you on a daily basis dont just eat too much and too unhealthily? why do you think the rates of japanese anorexics are so low? because who they are is accepted and, in fact, sought out; they arent readily labeled "anorexic" for eating little, eating healthily and exercising daily. they are only labeled so when they show signs of truly being sick to where they cannot manage in life and arent eating enough to sustain life. i have always eaten enough to sustain my body but no more than i need (except for when i eat like an american -__-). seeing these facts, i dont think i am anorexic, i think i am normal. i have always leaned toward a japanese view and way of life even as a child since i grew up in a japanese home (my grandparents are from hiroshima). i was always the thinnest and tiniest out of my friends and in class and no one ever said "eat more" "your too thin" "you dont eat enough". i eat like a bird anyway, always have. and look at how i ate before i moved: 1/2c cereal or oatmeal if i even eat for breakfast --not a breakfast girl--, a sandwich for lunch and salad for dinner. or like when i first moved here: 1 or 2 slices of a self size pizza a day or 4 chicken nuggets (i was only eating lunch when i first got here. it was even less than normal because i was too shy to ask and it takes me months to just go in someone elses ice box and take what i want. and it takes me the the same amount of time to be ok with new people seeing me eat, or hearing me eat. im super self conscious of the squishing sounds food makes in your mouth when your chewing. even if only i can hear it i feel like its as loud as if im talking O.o), but no one thought it was unusual how little i ate until i started eating more (like as american O.o oh gosh i hate admitting that part). so i gess it was my fault for starting to eat more than i was used to, i dont know.

i am not as bad as other anorexics and ive always known that (because some days, even at my worst phase of ana, i could still eat chocolate and feel ok. or a hamburger. at times i felt like a fake anorexic.), so maybe the reason is, i am not anorexic, but a normal japanese girl living in america which makes me think i am anorexic. provided my purging is not a normalcy in japan...i dont think, so that part is a sickness. but i havent felt the urge to do that since my mia phase finally ended :D

i also looked up the adverage BMI of japan girls, it goes as low as 16! so what the fuck is americas problem? we are FAT ASSES! the average 5ft girl in japan weighs only 77-86lbs! well duh, angelababy is 15lbs "underweight" so if i was 15lbs "underweight" id be 75lbs. pshhh, which is what i wanted to weigh in the first place! so i AM normal =) .......well, not that im planning on losing that much since im in recovery (...from being a normal japanese girl? haha!)...unitl i move to japan that is haha! well...instead of going as low as 75lbs if i moved to japan id go down to 80-89lbs so that im not completely ousted, but safe.

click here if you want to find out where your country stands health-wise, and click here to find out how many lbs "underweight" you would be allowed to be if your country was as healthy as japan. just subtract 10-15lbs from the lowest healthy weight on that chart.

talk to me

hey blueberry tea cups ^__^ i put in a cbox so you can leave me your thoughts on anything you wish. if you want to just say hi, drop some advice or introduce yourself. id love to hear from you! :D

hmmm things get curiouser and curiouser...

sooo...we went to blockbuster to get call of duty for boyfriend. i was going to look around for new releases to watch tonight but i didnt feel like taking up time so instead i headed over to the art section while he paid (art sec in blockbuster?? haha). i saw they had awesome photos of Marilyn Monroe and american mcgee's alice printed onto framed wood, when i noticed my reflection. the pillar next to the art had full length mirrors on all four sides. i wondered why since its not like they were selling or ever sold clothing or sunglasses or hats. i made sure no one was around first before i stood in front of it. i couldnt stop from trying to analyze my body, i wanted to save myself the humiliation of someone seeing a vain girl stare intently at herself in front of the mirror...the odd thing was what i saw...i saw a girl who met my expectations all exept my thighs were still a bit on the larger side but its tolerable. it caused me to stare even more so. it baffled me and i still dont understand it. i swear im chubby but now i dont know. i could not believe i saw a girl who wasnt fat or chubby. my pants were baggy and so was my shirt and my face wasnt chubby beside its normal japanese girl chipmunk cheeks. i actually looked presentable....acceptable. im not sure if it was because today was an easy day, if its because i havent been eating until im full so i feel better about myself, if it was because my clothes just dont fit so its an illusion, if it was the mirror tricking me (im thinking it was that but who knows), or if im somehow...getting better?? im sure a bad day is about to hit any day now because they always do and its not over yet, but this was defo a nice change! =)

in other news me and boyfriend took a walk in the woods again today :3 it was nice out! it was fun but also for a sad reason. his dog, buster, is very old and we needed to pick a spot to bury him. i think we picked a nice one that will make buster happy. he has a nice stream in view and beautiful trees, vines and odd roots ive never seen. we also found a spot to picnin...(ive typed that word 6x and it still comes out with an "n" at the end rather than a "c" -__- so im leaving it that way) its going to be out little spot in the woods :D

also, my favorite music:
its a bit on the older side but still good!



and im in LOVE with this song! i love her lolita outfit, i wanna get married in a dress just like it!!! even when i was younger i never thought wedding dresses were very pretty and i always knew my dress would be something different and beautiful =)

Puppie Crochet ^__^

ive decided i am not going to worry about losing weight to 95lbs, or 89 if i was in japan...haaa i wish...or any other specific number. i am just going to eat as healthily as possible and lose (in a healthy manor) until i can lay on my side at night and not feel my thighs uncomfortably sticking to each other, as they get sticky with sweat from my body heat X.x and when i do not have that mostly permanent red line across my tummy from the fold ive there X.x and until my belly button ring can dangle cutely in my belly button rather than lay on my tummy (that is just ungodly!). those are the three things i will watch for. when i have succeeded in all three, i will maintain.

ive made myself a crochet business! ive called it Puppie Crochet ^__^ ive made a facebook page for it and boyfriend is working on making a craig's list so the sweaters can be bought. ive already a few people who want to buy the dog sweaters i make, its quite fun! so far i make sweaters, booties, costumes and snoods =) im hoping it will work out and i can actually make some progress with this! if it turns out well, i will have money that i need for Christmas! (seeing as i dont think i am going to get hired in time) i love getting friends and family gifts! if i had a choice id choose to buy for them and not myself =)

in the picture is our italian greyhound, girper. aka- hyden, girpen hyden, or gripper haha! so cute! i was surprised how well she modeled that sweater! i had found that balloon at the store that night and decided it would complete the look if i tied at round her neck ^__^ cute isnt she?

japan girls are tiny, i am japanese...i need to live in japan

ive had a few good days =) i still miss myself but on good days i can at least feel ok. i can eat without regretting or having to experience the internal fights. i dont have to feel so distant from myself or so fat. i suppose i cant really say i feel fat as in obese, but i feel fat like chubby, over weight. when i look at myself in the mirror, i look almost how i did when i was 135lbs O.O goodness forbid! i will never allow myself to become that far gone again! NEVER! i will never let myself go past 110! that in itself is too far. ive also another proof that i am able to be at 95lbs. i am japanese and over all, japan girls weigh between 36-45kg (which is 80-100lbs). in japan, it my as well be unacceptable for a girl to be over 100lbs for she will be called and looked at as fat. it is not ok to be over 100lbs unless you are surprisingly tall (which i am not). girls over 100 are considered fat or chubby...so i am fat because im japanese and im 107 right now :P :P :P the norm in japan right now is 5' 3" 100-105lbs. thats "technically" underweight, if your in america. so judging by that, a girl of my height, 5', would be between 86-91lbs. (AKA- heaven) so yes, i need to live in japan! im going to someday and i cant wait! not only because of that matter but hey, can you blame me for being happy? heaven is accepted in japan, of course id be thrilled! XD though the weight norm is slowly climbing because of the western influence in food -__- white people ruin everything they touch...sorry, im a bit racist at times :P

sadly, however much medical/other proof i have that i can be 95, no one is going to like it because unfortunately, i have a label now and have given people a preset way of thinking if they know about ana/mia. so even if i was 95 when no one knew, even if i was healthy, even if everyone said i looked good, they will now say i am unhealthy at 95, i look gross, i look malnourished, i need to gain 5+lbs, whatever whatever blah blah blah they want to say. it is only because of the ana/mia label that they now feel that way about something they were previously alright with. people are given tunnel vision when they learn things, they do not consider things of fact, only things of fear and untrust. same as when my mother found i was cutting. scratches were not just scratches anymore, shaving slips were not just shaving slips, they were suspicions. she did not take into consideration the fact that if i had done it with purpose they would not be out in the open, they would remain hidden in a hidden place. people are blind, run by emotions. i am also at fault of being emotionally blind as well. seeing with true eyes is not an easy task, ive had anxiety attacks because of such confusion at trying to see with true eyes and not emotional eyes. so i do not blame but merely state facts that i wish were more known. the only thing i blame people of is not letting me be, saying i am too "thin", accusing me and jumping to conclusions that i have not had enough because i eat like a bird. my whole family eats like birds (beside a few). ive a tiny tummy by default. at times i dont feel like eating breakfast, i never was a breakfast person; neither is my mother. and at times i dont feel the need to stretch it more than need be. especially now, at this critical time, i should not be stretching it to eat more than i need, or else ill be in torture as i was the night i decided to scrub away my fat...i felt i was going to lose my mind that night.

i never understood when my mother said she almost lost her mind on a certain day she had a panic attack. she said she could feel her self, her mind, her thoughts, leaving her. jumbling into themselves and imploding. she said she was afraid because she could feel her sanity slipping. now i know what that feels like. i can now understand how a person can fear for their sanity and know when insanity is near. i always thought insanity was something that just happened without warning to its host, but i think that is only in some extreme cases.

anyhow, those are the only things i blame people of. i am trying to change for the sake of the people i know, so i feel they should try to help me, not bring me down for i am doing this for them. how i eat is how i eat regardless of ana/mia. i am making sure my cals are at the appropriate level and i have not purged since i had promised i wouldnt (which i have to say thankyu for, i was caught in the worst mia phase i had ever been in since i was 14 and that brought me out of it). and not only the people i live with, which is why i said people i know. it happened while on vacation and happens over phone. also, they should see that calling me too thin or too skinny is just as hurtful and bothersome as saying i am fat or too chubby. if you are chubby/fat it is still you, it is hurtful, it is basically saying a person is ugly because of their outer appearance and you cant accept them for who they are. same goes if you are being called too thin/skinny. it is who you are, it is hurtful, and it is saying you are not accepted because of who you are.

yes, ana/mia makes it seem as though we are vain. some of it is vanity. vanity to look better than others, to feel above others. but it is the insecurities, the lack of control, the self hate and perfection we battle (at least that is how i view it). it is not so much the need to be thin to look good, but the need to prove i am strong and i do have control. the need to show it to the world and to myself. part of it for me is vanity, but the bigger part is seeing any kind of fat as a form of weakness and inability. i want to look beautiful in a sense of strength. my bones are beautiful because they show how strong ive become. the more they show, the more outgoing i seem to get, less insecure, less self conscious, less nervous. for some reason it stabilizes me...any of you girls feel that way?

forgive my rant, i had so much to get out for i had not had a chance to really let loose and write my feelings.

tomorrow is an excuse

i keep saying "i will do better tomorrow" "i will eat healthier tomorrow" "tomorrow, no greasy food". i say it SO much! every mia phase for the past 6-7yrs! i cant help but feel, "how many more tomorrows do i have to go through this torture? is it going to be 'tomorrow' for the rest of my life until the day i die?!" they dont know its such a fight for me every single day to eat how they want me to. i eat like them and pretend im fine with it and i am, on easy days, but i dont have many of those. i seem fine to them because i dont throw up anymore and i rarely binge (not that that in itself would be realized). but mia was the smaller part of me, the bigger part of me is the part that stays under 150-200cal per day. ok, i have to off track for a min: i felt SO AMAZING that last month! i must say i felt more in control, strong, alive and like me than i ever felt in my life! :D im glad i had the opportunity to finally feel that without opening my flesh...though i have to admit that feels pretty good in itself. im able to keep my emotions in check when i cut or whatever harm i do to myself. without it im this vulnerable little girl who cant keep her emotions to herself, gets hurt all the time and cries just as much, yuck! who wants to be such a cry baby?

...ok, back to what i was saying. its a fight everyday and i cant wait till im either "all better" (that term just annoys me but i dont know how else to put it) or somehow back to ana...pshhh like that would ever happen! thats one of those dreams you know will never come true. i try to ignore my mind and just eat but alot of times i end up arguing with myself and tearing myself up! oh well...ill figure it out someday i hope =)

oh ya! our 1yr anni was on the 3rd! yay! :D we went to a concert, my first haha! i didnt write about it or halloween because for some reason ive been a bit absent from blogger as you've noticed. partially lazy, partially busy and partially ive lost my reason and meaning to who i am. i apologize to all of you girls who i am closer to. i do read your blogs i promise :3

i need a dr before i go insane

i had a breakdown last night...i wanted curly fries so we got arby's for dinner. i like it...i wanted it...but i felt so much like i failed myself. before i ate it i told myself "you want it, it tastes good, recovery" after i ate it i wasnt so positive. one, it was fast food. greasy fast food! two, i used the sauce and got cheese. three, i ate more than i should have. i let myself become fuller than i realized i could handle. after dinner i took a shower totally ignoring the battle that would come in the bathroom. i knew i was full, felt crappy, and felt ive failed, but i NEEDED a shower! that is when i need it the most actually. i tend to feel loads more dirty when ive over eaten. so i went in there, closed the mirror FOR SURE! (you know, they should sell those things with a warning printed between the layers in the top corner, like how they give epilepsy warnings in video games. "WARNING: if you've an eating disorder, do not use while nude!" haha!) i wanted to purge, i almost did it without thinking but luckily i brought myself out of it which i am happy about. ive come so far i dont want to ruin it or my relationship i love him too much.

im glad the shower and air vent makes quit a bit of noise. the anxiety/panic attacks i have in there are defo embarrassing! x_x i fought myself so hard that i gess i kinda broke down for a bit...i washed my hair, conditioned, shaved, the whole time telling myself im crap, this is not me, im fat, why cant i be at least skinny in my eyes, ive failed, i have to find a way to get rid of it. but also telling myself no its just your mind, dont do it, dont go backwards, remember its not real...by the time i got to scrubbing my body i just...snapped...for some reason i thought maybe if i scrubbed hard enough and fast enough that it would go away. i went for it like a crazy person just scrubbing and crying until i crouched in the tub and just let myself cry under the water until i couldnt cry anymore...why i thought i could scrub my fat away? i dont know...i kept thinking of how i dont understand why i see and think so differently from everyone else but at the same time i was thinking that if this is what i see and think then why is it wrong to be me? as well as trying to make myself think like them or to at least make myself forget it and just be how they want me to be. all those contradicting thoughts jammed at each other and i just confused myself into a moment of insanity.

i hope i have better days. i feel pretty good today so im glad for that =)

EDIT: sometimes i feel as if i am being forced to be someone than who i am. if people dont like who i am then fuck them! this is who i am and who i have been for most of my life and i want to, and sometimes do, think that im not going to be someone i am not just because they dont like it. but on the otherhand i know i am ill now...however the pride in my bones and how little or healthily i eat remains and i doubt it will ever go away.

attention my little blueberries!

that beautiful cat girl has inspired me to fix myself. i cant stop seeing her body and wishing it was mine! bad enough every girl i see, be her on television or passing on the streets, im analyzing her body and searching for strengths and weaknesses, and now i got one to humiliate me right next door! i feel embarrassed to walk outside...how pathetic :P so back to exercise with me! for i am no longer sick with a fever. back to eating healthy, for greasy food is not helping my tummy, and back to 95lbs i go for i need to stabilize my mind! and i have proof that i am medically allowed to go down to 95lbs, see: height to weight ratio

that is all -thankyu.

ps- i know, ive been talking about getting back to eating healthy for 2 months now and havent done it yet :P its kinda hard to eat healthy when you dont pay for the groceries, which is another reason, EMPLOYERS WHOSE COMPANIES I APPLY TO GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE!

ok, that is all.

i wanna be that cat girl!

well.......i HAD to think of something that fucked me up, now didnt i? we went to a halloween party last night and the lady that lives across the street was hosting. she wore a black, skin-tight cat costume with an open chest and back. i couldnt help but secretly stare at her. she's not my type at all though because, well i just dont like lady's like her but...her body...it just made me miss mine is all...it made me envious! jealous in fact! and a tad bit angry as to why her body is ok with everyone and mine was not. her thighs dont touch, her spine is noticeable and even the bony ribs in her chest space by her sternum were showing! i want all of that back! the only physical thing ive left that comforts me and lets know im not completely back to being a fat ass as i was, are my clavicles. i find myself, i suppose you could say caressing them haha! XD while im watching television or riding in the car i stroke them and love them. sounds a bit mental of me doesnt it? :P im just glad they are still there! its all i have to tie me to the memories of how strong i was, the only thing to confirm and prove to me that i am a strong person no matter how weak people say or think i am...which is ALOT of people...actually, its everyone i know...oh well, i gess i cant change that view they have of me; ive tried.

pangs of relapse, however im pushing through

the more i see myself in the mirror and the more i take notice to how much food im consuming lately on a daily basis, the more im beginning to feel the pangs of relapse nudging me, telling me i need to eat less and exercise more. i need to hurry and get myself back to 95lbs before i go into a full blown relapse and have to start again from the beginning. the problem with me that has been from the start, is that i really miss being myself. i miss being stronger than everyone else. every time i look at my tummy or my thighs or my but, all i see is fat and weakness, failure. sometimes i am ok with how i look. sometimes i can actually hear the words boyfriend tells me when he says im beautiful, but unfortunately no matter how often, how much, or how in detail a person may go into about how they see me as pretty, it just doesnt matter. yes it makes me feel good and im not saying i dont like it, i do, i appreciate it very much (if its someone i know. if its from a person i dont know it just makes me uncomfortable and i usually phase it out haha). but it only lasts a moment. i feel good for a moment...if i even believe it, if im not just smiling and laughing it off while thinking in my head "how can you think that? im ugly, dont you see?" there are times i can feel pretty; i have my moments of vanity thus my pictures on facebook, but for some reason it can go away in an instant without warning, poof! back to feeling less than everyone else. i found if im feeling ugly or gross, all my pictures turn out the same way; ugly and gross.


i really cant wait to get a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist (not sure cuz im not into meds, but if i need it then...i gess). i need to have all these things delt with. ive made a small summary of things that i need help with/addressed so that im not a bunch of mumbled quiet whispers of stuttering hesitations on my firstsecondthirdfourthfifth appointment:

ANA/MIA:
obviously haha!

BDD:
ditto XD

OCD:
calories
food amount
emptying/cleaning my plate
shower routine
neatness
order
people touching me
touching peoples things
sitting in poeples chairs
odd numbers

SAD (social anxieties):
nervousness at gatherings
nauseous feeling
clinging to those i know
chewing on lip
picking at fingers
butterflies
sweaty palms
stuttering
hesitation
vulnerable feeling without security blankets ex-my bag, my camera, my jacket, the person i went with
quietness
declining invitations to avoid all of the above

PTSD:
being around drunks
anger toward drinkers
instantly fearing/hating those who smoke marijuana and having flashbacks
flashbacks during heated arguments/loud fights/angry swearing
fear/anxiety at the smell of beer or marijuana

OTHER:
fear of men
finger tapping when stressed or preoccupied
compulsive face picking (dont tease me...it embarrasses me...)

on the happy side, last night before i got my dinner, boyfriend said "be careful when you eat that, its very filling." i was so happy! he helped! :D

me and boyfriend took the dogs on a little hike in the woods =) it was super fun! the leaves are turning brownish-orange, the sky was beautiful, the air was crisp and the stream was almost nothing. it made for perfect pictures! the dogs had fun, i had fun and so did boyfriend :D boyfriend wanted to find a snake so we looked but no luck :P however we did find salamanders!!!...i think they were salamanders anyway haha! ive never seen one and i was so excited! AND we're going to go on a picnic there soon, its so beautiful in there! depending, we may even camp there a night :D i LOVE camping!