i can get sick without pretending

my new and first dress that i said id post! ^__^ i love it!

i felt like SHIT today! boyfriend woke me up earlier than normal today, 11am. i usually sleep till 2 or 3, fucking insomnia doesnt let me sleep till 8am. anywho, he made his moms sandwich to take to her on her mail route like we do every so often. on the way there we went stopped at the gas station. usually i stay in the car but this time he wanted me to come in cuz he wanted to get me something. so he hid her sandwich from the dog and i went in with him. i got all smart and bought coffee cuz i know it makes me extremely sick if i drink it in the morning on an empty stomach. we went back to the car and what did we find? the dog, eating his moms lunch! how the hell she got the sandwich out from above the visor beats the fuck outta me! so we had to go to the store because he had used the last of the sandwich meat for that, then we went back home to re-make it, then back out to drop it off, then back to the store because we had to go grocery shopping today. so, the smart part! the whole time we were doing all that i was drinking my coffee and by the time we made our second trip to the store i was feeling quite sick. i tried to pretend i was ok until we got out of the store because i knew he needed to get things done and i wanted to get all the stuf i needed but i couldnt. we had to go home early. i barely made it to the toilet to puke! i was so fucking sick it wasnt funny! i didnt tell him it was because of the coffee cuz im going to need that for my fasting days. its hell but its worth it! he said it was because of the heat, i do have bad heat sensitivity. when we got home i took a benadryl to help me sleep but my nauseous stomach turned into a gotta-use-the-bathroom sore stomach. i felt like i took a laxative! O.o it kept waking me up and i couldnt sleep, but finally i was ok and slept till 6:30. when i woke, i took a shower and made some tamago meshi. well, at least i didnt have to do all that pretendinglyingdeceiving i planned yesterday because my stomach was all weird. he offered to make pizza and i declined because "im scared it gonna mess me up again." but he still brought me up 2 teenie tiny pieces which i fed to the dogs :P

oh! and i forgot to tell you yesterday, i cant believe boyfriend used axe shower gel to wash his dog! O.o i thought everybody knew you cant use harsh things like that on dogs...he told me he did that because he ran out of dog shampoo and i said
"WHAT?!"
"ya, you know the axe one we got??"
"ya i do but...you used that on him?!"
"ya."
"oooh thass bad dont do that! your not supposed use things like that for dogs!"
"really??..why?"
"because it dries out their skin and makes them itch bad and they could get a big rash! if its not gentle enough for a baby its not for a dog. you cant use human soaps for dogs unless its like johnson & johnson or something cuz thats gentle, but axe?!"
"oh really? i didnt know that."
"ya! especially the axe cuz its got all those scrubbing rock things in it...ya dont do that..."
i couldnt believe he didnt know that O.o he really loves dogs but somehow i get the feeling he doesnt really know how to take care of them...i mean, wubs got super fat because he didnt follow the proper amount of food for the size/weight she is. and no, it is not because i have eating problem XD but since i took over feeding the dogs, she has lost weight and im glad. she has such a hard time breathing and running and just being a dog because she is so overweight! she used to eat a cup and a half of dry food and a cup of wet food. for her, thats way too much! and because theres wet food, of course she'll eat all of it every time. the same if you put a whole cake and a pizza in front of a dog, they'll eat it all. now that im feeding her, she gets a little less than one cup of dry food, as is needed for her size/weight and i mix that with the liquid from the wet food. only our old greyhound, buster, gets to eat the chunks of wet food that i take out after mixing wubs and grippen's food. he doesnt have teeth so he hardly eats any dry food.

boyfriends friend wanted us to come down to his job and hang out for a while after he gets off. on the way there boyfriend says
"aw man!"
"what?"
"i forgot my ID, i wanted a beer."
"oh, aww."
so we went down there and his friend works at a bar...a bar...i hate bars. i hate alcohol, i hate drunk people, i hate being around drunk people and i hate how stupid and obnoxious they are, i just cant stand it! i grew up with an alcoholic drug addict and its really messed up my mind. ive sorta worked out the whole thing with boyfriend though, i dont mind if he has one every now and then but when that "every now and then" is less than a month apart, i freak out! but i was fine with the thought tonight, that wasnt the problem. it was the bar. boyfriend drinking one beer would not have thrown my brain into hyper-thought-panick-mode had it not been added with a bar environment. i obviously have a ton of issues regarding drugs and alcohol so i got panicky when we pulled in the parking lot and it hit me that that was where we were going. my heart started racing, my mind started getting scared, and i started getting shakey, but didnt let it out, i didnt let it show. ive been trying to separate my anxiety with it because boyfriend isnt my dad, and one beer isnt going to make him yell, isnt going to make him disappear for a day/week/weeks/month/months, isnt going to end up with him in prison again, isnt going to make him break and steal things, isnt going to make him beg for money. i just kept it together, took deep breaths and told myself "its ok, its just a bar. theyre fucking stupid ass idiots, but boyfriend isnt. just think of aunty D and uncle J, they drink to have a good time and that doesnt bother you. its just like that. its one beer, no drunkenness, no yelling, just a simple liquid in a glass bottle. your fine." i made it through the end of his friends shift and we were finally outside and i was able to keep my panic feeling hidden =) i just cant help swearing, thinking mean things and looking down on people i see with alcohol in their hands or a joint to their lips. several months ago me, boyfriend and his friends wife took a long ass drive to see his friends son play football. i thought his friends wife was really nice for the first 3hrs of the drive, but then she lit a joint and i hated her immediately! i sat in the back seat hiding my face in my sweater hood because i could stop crying my eyes out! i hated her so bad and i was terrified of her! when we stopped at the gas station, she waited in the car while me and boyfriend went in to get a drink. i made sure to take all our valuables with me in the gas station because in my frame of mind, i just knew we would walk out of that store to find her gone and selling our valuables for drug money. she didnt, but the the flashbacks i get, i swore on my life thats how it was going to happen...and of course she lit another fucking joint on the fucking ride back! i really hate that bitch! im a complete fucking bitch to people who smoke pakalolo or get drunk around me! and i WILL NOT be left alone with them by ANY means no matter what the fucking reason is!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 8:00p
1c spinach: 30cal 2:15a

100cal total