doing things for love, is it possible? is there hope?

boyfriend told me something on the way to the vet today that really got me thinking. as we drove past his old high school, he told me about the day he was sitting in class looking out the window and witnessed his friends sister get hit by a car and dragged a few feet, she died. then he told me another story about how it was his job to make sure his grandma took the right meds at the right time in the proper way, but she started to not take them and he didnt know. when she died and they blamed him for her death...he has alot of sad stories about all the death he has seen in his life and it got me thinking; he doesnt deserve this...he has been through enough sadness and he doesnt deserve to have to worry about me and go through this with me. this is quite a concidence with several of the girls blogs i follow because they too have had revelations and incidents or things to make them think about this. it seems alot of us are connected somehow. even before we have the chance to read eachothers blogs we have had the same thoughts, happenings, occurances. alot of us have binge/purge cycles around the same time, get back on track around the same time as other girls here, get happy because we lost and its around the same time as other girls here, and now we have revalations at the same time. its weird but good that we have eachother to spill our hearts out to and we can understand/relate/sympathize with eachother.

i dont want to lie to him anymore, i dont want to be like all the other girls who have lied and cheated him. we fought once. a year ago when i told him i was fine and i wasnt, i ended up cutting myself again. when he found out he said "you lied to me...out of everybody i know..i never thought you would lie to me. you...you are the last person id expect. you promised me you would never lie and i believed you whole heartedly.....but its my fault too because i should have known better. i knew something was wrong and yet i let you go..." we were awkward for 2 weeks and i had to build up his trust again. he felt insufficient and decieved; i felt stupid and worthless. i wanted to cut even more so those weeks but i fought it because i loved him. i dont want it to be like that again because this will be much worse. i have lied and cheated and decieved for months now and i know its all going to blow up in my face this time. i can feel it building. the more secretive i become, the more i hide, lie, cheat, pretend...its going to happen if i dont get it while i still can. i dont love him any less than i did then, im fact i love him even more so...so why is it so hard to think of trying? just simply trying to eat more? trying to be what he needs, trying to do this for him. because i love him...why is it so hard just to think of trying?? i feel so confused...could i finish ABC and then try? i wanted to at least finish this because i have never successfully done any diet in my life, control has never lasted long enough. i have never had control for anything in my life, its all been in someone elses hands...i dont want to give up control just yet, i want to finish ABC first...but there is so much possibility of this exploding before the 50days are over. maybe ill just stay at 500 or 800cal a day, thats normal enough right? no purging, no lying about eating when i didnt, 500-800 is good......isnt it?

i ate a 1/2 packet of cream of wheat (50cal) before we left and a litto while after we got home he made hamburger helper and asked if i wanted some, my instinct was "ok, ill come get some cuz i wanna add some stuf to it" so i could check how many cals is in how much, to find out what is appropirate. but i looked at him and felt how much i love him and fixed my thinking and said "ya, ill take some!" he brought me up a bowl and i ate the whole thing. not knowing how much was in it (probably 350-400cal + salt) but i couldnt leave it in me. why not? dont i love him enough? i am no better than my drug addict father if i cant get through this. he couldnt choose me and my mom over his fucking drugs! am i gonna be the same way?! am i going to choose bones over boyfriend?? i dont know! i know its not going to happen in a day...but im really confused right now and im going to take a break from blogging...ill be reading and commenting because you girls really do make me smile =) but my posts will be all repettitive and depressing if i keep posting while im like this so i wont. please dont stop following though because i will be back. ill probably post to tell you how much fun im having when my friend comes down in a couple days...if i can have fun. it will probably be good for me to get my mind off of it. ill be even more obsessed with food now:
"eat"
"dont eat"
"ignore the cals!"
"check the cals!"
"eat more"
"eat less"
"eat normal"
"i cant!"
"this takes time"
"this is too much!"
"for him"
"for her"
"you love him"
"you want bones"
ugggg the voices! the FUCKING voices!!! leave me the fuck alone i cant take this i need quiet so I can think. me, alone by myself! i really have to start thinking about this. i know i cant just: BOOM, be normal. i know this will take time. i definately need to find out how many calories i have to stick to per day in order to NOT gain weight! i want to be normal but NO WAY in fucking hell am i going to gain! im at least a liiitto happy with how i am now because i can see my spine, collar bones and my ribs a litto. is it possible to be normal but stay at 94? i dont know. but i will be researching like crazy! ill post again soon, i love you Bree, Laura, embre, and all the rest of you guys that follow! thank you loves!