been a bit since ive posted anything or commented...i miss you guys...ive been stuck in mia the past few days and its really torturing me. i need to get back control but its not happening. i keep telling myself to do it, just stop it, be like before. i eat my usual 30-80cal meal, tell myself "thats it, your doing good", and then it sets off a binge and i purge. ive been binging/purging up to 7x a day and i cant stop...i want it all to stop. "let me go mia! i want to go back to ana! ana help me! please! i need strength, i need control." evidently my body wants food (of-fucking-course!) thus all the binges, but i cant fucking let it eat! im not letting go of the 13lbs ive lost! it took me 3 fucking months, which is ridiculously too long, and im not going back only to take another 3 months to get back here and do it all over again, im not.
ive been feeling alot more guilty about lying to xxx. ive been stupidly pushing the fact that im getting better and trying to believe/pretend that i am. i binge a ton and purge it all and then i go to xxx and say "proud of me?! i ate this, and this, and this, and this. man im full now! but proud of me?!" i feel like a fucking little lost puppy trying to gain recognition that what im doing is good even if i fucking know its not! im a fucking fraud! a liar, a cheat, a fuck up, a conniving, deceitful, manipulative bitch...i dont deserve him...i felt so bad today that i tried to be "normal", what a joke, i dont know how to eat like everyone else; theres either restrictions or binges and purges. there is no fucking normal. its black. or white. no grey. if i had to choose, id choose to stick with restrictions. when i binge, no matter if i purge or not, i still feel disgusted with myself for my lack of control. i feel a little better knowing that i didnt eat all of what i binged but it still makes me look horrible in the mirror. i can see that ive gained in these past few days and its horrible!!! ive stopped keeping track of how many calories ive eaten because its pointless, im over, im binging, im purging, its pointless...
Skipping Out
6 months ago
im stuck in the same rut. ive been trying to pull myself away from purging for the past few weeks now and its like the best i can do is one day without purging and then its back to purging EVERY TIME i eat. you know, when i first started purging i used to get a sort of rush afterwards. now im just so tired. im exhausted. i hate the fact that its consumed me so much. but im trying to tell myself to keep my head up. look how far weve both come! look at how strong we were! we can get back to that before mia time. its going to be hard but i know that we are both stronger than this. maybe even reach out for help from your boyfriend. ive asked C (my ex that i live with) to start portioning out my meals at dinner and making my plate before he gets his that way i dont get too much . and ive also asked him to make me sit for at least one hour after every meal. its a start and it seems to be helping some, well when he remembers to do it then it helps lol.
ReplyDeletedont worry, we are strong enough to get past this.
hang in there
meg
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Maybe you should allow yourself one day to eat 1000+ calories a week so you aren't tempted to binge. xoxo
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