doing things for love, is it possible? is there hope?

boyfriend told me something on the way to the vet today that really got me thinking. as we drove past his old high school, he told me about the day he was sitting in class looking out the window and witnessed his friends sister get hit by a car and dragged a few feet, she died. then he told me another story about how it was his job to make sure his grandma took the right meds at the right time in the proper way, but she started to not take them and he didnt know. when she died and they blamed him for her death...he has alot of sad stories about all the death he has seen in his life and it got me thinking; he doesnt deserve this...he has been through enough sadness and he doesnt deserve to have to worry about me and go through this with me. this is quite a concidence with several of the girls blogs i follow because they too have had revelations and incidents or things to make them think about this. it seems alot of us are connected somehow. even before we have the chance to read eachothers blogs we have had the same thoughts, happenings, occurances. alot of us have binge/purge cycles around the same time, get back on track around the same time as other girls here, get happy because we lost and its around the same time as other girls here, and now we have revalations at the same time. its weird but good that we have eachother to spill our hearts out to and we can understand/relate/sympathize with eachother.

i dont want to lie to him anymore, i dont want to be like all the other girls who have lied and cheated him. we fought once. a year ago when i told him i was fine and i wasnt, i ended up cutting myself again. when he found out he said "you lied to me...out of everybody i know..i never thought you would lie to me. you...you are the last person id expect. you promised me you would never lie and i believed you whole heartedly.....but its my fault too because i should have known better. i knew something was wrong and yet i let you go..." we were awkward for 2 weeks and i had to build up his trust again. he felt insufficient and decieved; i felt stupid and worthless. i wanted to cut even more so those weeks but i fought it because i loved him. i dont want it to be like that again because this will be much worse. i have lied and cheated and decieved for months now and i know its all going to blow up in my face this time. i can feel it building. the more secretive i become, the more i hide, lie, cheat, pretend...its going to happen if i dont get it while i still can. i dont love him any less than i did then, im fact i love him even more so...so why is it so hard to think of trying? just simply trying to eat more? trying to be what he needs, trying to do this for him. because i love him...why is it so hard just to think of trying?? i feel so confused...could i finish ABC and then try? i wanted to at least finish this because i have never successfully done any diet in my life, control has never lasted long enough. i have never had control for anything in my life, its all been in someone elses hands...i dont want to give up control just yet, i want to finish ABC first...but there is so much possibility of this exploding before the 50days are over. maybe ill just stay at 500 or 800cal a day, thats normal enough right? no purging, no lying about eating when i didnt, 500-800 is good......isnt it?

i ate a 1/2 packet of cream of wheat (50cal) before we left and a litto while after we got home he made hamburger helper and asked if i wanted some, my instinct was "ok, ill come get some cuz i wanna add some stuf to it" so i could check how many cals is in how much, to find out what is appropirate. but i looked at him and felt how much i love him and fixed my thinking and said "ya, ill take some!" he brought me up a bowl and i ate the whole thing. not knowing how much was in it (probably 350-400cal + salt) but i couldnt leave it in me. why not? dont i love him enough? i am no better than my drug addict father if i cant get through this. he couldnt choose me and my mom over his fucking drugs! am i gonna be the same way?! am i going to choose bones over boyfriend?? i dont know! i know its not going to happen in a day...but im really confused right now and im going to take a break from blogging...ill be reading and commenting because you girls really do make me smile =) but my posts will be all repettitive and depressing if i keep posting while im like this so i wont. please dont stop following though because i will be back. ill probably post to tell you how much fun im having when my friend comes down in a couple days...if i can have fun. it will probably be good for me to get my mind off of it. ill be even more obsessed with food now:
"eat"
"dont eat"
"ignore the cals!"
"check the cals!"
"eat more"
"eat less"
"eat normal"
"i cant!"
"this takes time"
"this is too much!"
"for him"
"for her"
"you love him"
"you want bones"
ugggg the voices! the FUCKING voices!!! leave me the fuck alone i cant take this i need quiet so I can think. me, alone by myself! i really have to start thinking about this. i know i cant just: BOOM, be normal. i know this will take time. i definately need to find out how many calories i have to stick to per day in order to NOT gain weight! i want to be normal but NO WAY in fucking hell am i going to gain! im at least a liiitto happy with how i am now because i can see my spine, collar bones and my ribs a litto. is it possible to be normal but stay at 94? i dont know. but i will be researching like crazy! ill post again soon, i love you Bree, Laura, embre, and all the rest of you guys that follow! thank you loves!

ABC and ana, forever till i die

i got lazy yesterday and did post XD plus i actually got sleepy around 5am! yay! so i got a considerably better amount of sleep last night! :D i feel completely well rested and refreshed! i screwed up yesteday with a fucking milano cookie! if i hadnt eaten it i could have ate my cup spinach and been perfect for the day but i had to fuck up :( its ok though because im not letting it turn the b/p back on! im just going to continue with ABC and im not stopping till its done. ill probably just continue recycling the ABC for...well, the rest of my life. cuz lets face it, am i gonna be happy once i reach 75lbs? i say yes now, but a few yrs ago i wanted to be 100lbs and said id be happy. to my knowledge i am 94 (because the last time i weighed was july 4), 7lbs less than what i wanted and am i happy? no, i am not. but lets say i actually am happy when i reach my 75lb goal, will i be able to eat normally without feeling like a fat-disgusting-horrible-weak-foolish-idiot slash fat-ass-pig? no. will i be able to stretch my stomach 3x its size like the rest of the world without feeling the extremely big and undying ugre to purge it? or even 2x its size for that matter? no, i will not. i will still have the same feelings i do about food then, as i do now. no matter how thin i may become, i know it is just a ;ie to keep pretending "everything will be fine when i reach it. ill be normal when i reach it. ill be like everyone else..." i know its not real, in the back of my mind, stuffed in a dusty old box, purposefully forgotten in the corner, i know the reality of it...and yet i ignore it because i dont want to think of what that means. i dont want to know how that plays out. this is one of the only times i will admit that i know this, but it doesnt change anything...because i will be happy when i reach 75lbs...

wow...now ooon to the happy! XD im quite surprised how much of an itreset boyfriend is showing my new hobby! :D its nice to be supported so fully! i really do want to be a model or photographer and being on LOOKBOOK.nu is a good step because it puts me out there and gives me incentive to dress up and actually model and see what i can do. im not too pleased with what ive done so far but i know i just have to develop my style and poses/facial expressions more; get more creative. my first look i picked my outfit and boyfriend picked the stage, but i didnt expect that he would really get into it like he is! the very next day he already had my next look planned out XD turns out he's got a litto style himself! different looks and stages have been racing around my mind 24/7 haha i feel like a dork sometimes but if it gets me closer to my dreams, do you think i give a shit?! not one pooping bit! XD

i saw a couple of friends on a bike today. around 13yrs old or so. one was pedaling and the other was on the back of the bike standing on the trick pegs and holding onto her friends shoulders. i started to imagine all the things i wanted when i was younger. i used to imagine a boyfriend who would do things like that with me: give me a ride on his bycicle, let me sit on his lap and kiss him in the park, chase me around the beach, randomly pick me up and put me on his shoulders...you know, all the cheesey romantic young couple stuf =) sometimes i can get boyfriend to do it, like the night we kissed in the rain during a thunderstorm, or when we visited home and kissed in the water at the beach, and sometimes when he sits on the couch and i lay next to him and put my legs on him and he rubs them. but for the most part we're just: a couple. like, its gotten to where we just are. we peck kiss alot throughout the day and randomly say "i love you" and we do cute things once in a while, but not really...am i being dumb to want that kind of thing? i suppose i am a litto because he did tell me before that when he doesnt have a job he feels a little down and worthless :( he said that when he has a job i will see a big change in him and like him better, not that i dont like him now, thats just what he said. i gess i shouldnt think too hard about it because when i first got here he was a bit more on the romantic side than he is now. probably because it was the beginning so him being down about not having a job went away for a time...ahhh haha i feel cheesey wanting romance haha but this is my first relationship so is that so bad? ^//^ i got a litto today though! yay! after i ate stir fry and boyfriend ate his pizza we took a walk and held hands ^__^ i like things like that. and you know what? im gonna ditch labeling boyfriend "xxx" in my posts, it sounds dumb and i call him boyfriend anyway so im just gonna say boyfriend from now haha when my friend found out i call him that she thought it was weird XD "i love you boyfriend." "hey boyfriend!" "boyfriend look!" haha doesnt sound so weird to me XD he's "boyfriend" and im "girlfriend" haha

i drew a pic today! tell me what you think! i put the pic i copied next to the one i drew. im not completely happy with it cuz it doesnt look like her really, but im ok with it =) seeing it side by side i see now that i didnt draw her hair wide enough at the sides of her head :P

and once again i have to slow down blogging, grrr
"you always type type type, what are you typing??"
"im talking to the girls on my blog." niiice one alice!
"you have a blog??!"
"i told you i did!" i did.
"no you didnt...your keeping secrets..."
"no im not! its just a blog.." i am but, is having a blog your other half doesnt read a cause for concern? i gess it is huh?...
"secrets..."
sooo that sucks!

my intake yesterday was:
1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 4:38p
1/2c Kix: 44cal 7:49p
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 10:30p
1 Pepperidge Farms Milano double chocolate cookie: 70cal 11:40p

249cal total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my intake today is:
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 5:00p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 8:40p

2/3c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal 12:03
1 no-sugar/low-calorie Jell-o cup: 10cal

298cal total

i can get sick without pretending

my new and first dress that i said id post! ^__^ i love it!

i felt like SHIT today! boyfriend woke me up earlier than normal today, 11am. i usually sleep till 2 or 3, fucking insomnia doesnt let me sleep till 8am. anywho, he made his moms sandwich to take to her on her mail route like we do every so often. on the way there we went stopped at the gas station. usually i stay in the car but this time he wanted me to come in cuz he wanted to get me something. so he hid her sandwich from the dog and i went in with him. i got all smart and bought coffee cuz i know it makes me extremely sick if i drink it in the morning on an empty stomach. we went back to the car and what did we find? the dog, eating his moms lunch! how the hell she got the sandwich out from above the visor beats the fuck outta me! so we had to go to the store because he had used the last of the sandwich meat for that, then we went back home to re-make it, then back out to drop it off, then back to the store because we had to go grocery shopping today. so, the smart part! the whole time we were doing all that i was drinking my coffee and by the time we made our second trip to the store i was feeling quite sick. i tried to pretend i was ok until we got out of the store because i knew he needed to get things done and i wanted to get all the stuf i needed but i couldnt. we had to go home early. i barely made it to the toilet to puke! i was so fucking sick it wasnt funny! i didnt tell him it was because of the coffee cuz im going to need that for my fasting days. its hell but its worth it! he said it was because of the heat, i do have bad heat sensitivity. when we got home i took a benadryl to help me sleep but my nauseous stomach turned into a gotta-use-the-bathroom sore stomach. i felt like i took a laxative! O.o it kept waking me up and i couldnt sleep, but finally i was ok and slept till 6:30. when i woke, i took a shower and made some tamago meshi. well, at least i didnt have to do all that pretendinglyingdeceiving i planned yesterday because my stomach was all weird. he offered to make pizza and i declined because "im scared it gonna mess me up again." but he still brought me up 2 teenie tiny pieces which i fed to the dogs :P

oh! and i forgot to tell you yesterday, i cant believe boyfriend used axe shower gel to wash his dog! O.o i thought everybody knew you cant use harsh things like that on dogs...he told me he did that because he ran out of dog shampoo and i said
"WHAT?!"
"ya, you know the axe one we got??"
"ya i do but...you used that on him?!"
"ya."
"oooh thass bad dont do that! your not supposed use things like that for dogs!"
"really??..why?"
"because it dries out their skin and makes them itch bad and they could get a big rash! if its not gentle enough for a baby its not for a dog. you cant use human soaps for dogs unless its like johnson & johnson or something cuz thats gentle, but axe?!"
"oh really? i didnt know that."
"ya! especially the axe cuz its got all those scrubbing rock things in it...ya dont do that..."
i couldnt believe he didnt know that O.o he really loves dogs but somehow i get the feeling he doesnt really know how to take care of them...i mean, wubs got super fat because he didnt follow the proper amount of food for the size/weight she is. and no, it is not because i have eating problem XD but since i took over feeding the dogs, she has lost weight and im glad. she has such a hard time breathing and running and just being a dog because she is so overweight! she used to eat a cup and a half of dry food and a cup of wet food. for her, thats way too much! and because theres wet food, of course she'll eat all of it every time. the same if you put a whole cake and a pizza in front of a dog, they'll eat it all. now that im feeding her, she gets a little less than one cup of dry food, as is needed for her size/weight and i mix that with the liquid from the wet food. only our old greyhound, buster, gets to eat the chunks of wet food that i take out after mixing wubs and grippen's food. he doesnt have teeth so he hardly eats any dry food.

boyfriends friend wanted us to come down to his job and hang out for a while after he gets off. on the way there boyfriend says
"aw man!"
"what?"
"i forgot my ID, i wanted a beer."
"oh, aww."
so we went down there and his friend works at a bar...a bar...i hate bars. i hate alcohol, i hate drunk people, i hate being around drunk people and i hate how stupid and obnoxious they are, i just cant stand it! i grew up with an alcoholic drug addict and its really messed up my mind. ive sorta worked out the whole thing with boyfriend though, i dont mind if he has one every now and then but when that "every now and then" is less than a month apart, i freak out! but i was fine with the thought tonight, that wasnt the problem. it was the bar. boyfriend drinking one beer would not have thrown my brain into hyper-thought-panick-mode had it not been added with a bar environment. i obviously have a ton of issues regarding drugs and alcohol so i got panicky when we pulled in the parking lot and it hit me that that was where we were going. my heart started racing, my mind started getting scared, and i started getting shakey, but didnt let it out, i didnt let it show. ive been trying to separate my anxiety with it because boyfriend isnt my dad, and one beer isnt going to make him yell, isnt going to make him disappear for a day/week/weeks/month/months, isnt going to end up with him in prison again, isnt going to make him break and steal things, isnt going to make him beg for money. i just kept it together, took deep breaths and told myself "its ok, its just a bar. theyre fucking stupid ass idiots, but boyfriend isnt. just think of aunty D and uncle J, they drink to have a good time and that doesnt bother you. its just like that. its one beer, no drunkenness, no yelling, just a simple liquid in a glass bottle. your fine." i made it through the end of his friends shift and we were finally outside and i was able to keep my panic feeling hidden =) i just cant help swearing, thinking mean things and looking down on people i see with alcohol in their hands or a joint to their lips. several months ago me, boyfriend and his friends wife took a long ass drive to see his friends son play football. i thought his friends wife was really nice for the first 3hrs of the drive, but then she lit a joint and i hated her immediately! i sat in the back seat hiding my face in my sweater hood because i could stop crying my eyes out! i hated her so bad and i was terrified of her! when we stopped at the gas station, she waited in the car while me and boyfriend went in to get a drink. i made sure to take all our valuables with me in the gas station because in my frame of mind, i just knew we would walk out of that store to find her gone and selling our valuables for drug money. she didnt, but the the flashbacks i get, i swore on my life thats how it was going to happen...and of course she lit another fucking joint on the fucking ride back! i really hate that bitch! im a complete fucking bitch to people who smoke pakalolo or get drunk around me! and i WILL NOT be left alone with them by ANY means no matter what the fucking reason is!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 8:00p
1c spinach: 30cal 2:15a

100cal total

Rails and Tails

YAY! i re-measured today and i lost a litto =) i dont get how but im not complaining! i found this picture of shelly mulshine ← she's one of my most favorite LB models! but i have one word for that photo: "how???"

me and xxx went up to the train tracks today so he could take photos for me for LB :3 they turned out fantastic! its not as good as most of the other people on LB but i cant help it...im not the photographer and boyfriend isnt a photographer XD but he did a pretty good job though! hey im not complaining, i got accepted! ^__^ i havent got any hypes or comments yet though :( but its ok, im still new so i need to get into the community first and i have to make more, better looks ^__^ ill put up my link for Bree because she asked and she's such a doll! anyone else who wants to is welcome to add me if you have an LB but im only keeping it up for a day or so. id rather not leave it too long because my face is in my look photo...
http://lookbook. nu/xxxxxxxxxxx

since tomorrow is a 100cal day, and i havent gone that low since boyfriend started making me eat, ive planned ahead and heres how its gonna go:

breakfast- 1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal
sometime between breakfast and lunch- when xxx is downstairs, let him see me open a kit kat and take a bite. then ill walk up stairs and spit it out into the toilet.
lunch- pretend to eat the left over tamago meshi
sometime between lunch and dinner- while xxx is upstairs, ill say im going to go eat cereal. he knows i like to eat in the kitchen standing up (bad habit of mine), so it wont be a surprise when i come back up empty handed. ill grab a bowl and a spoon, make noises with the cereal box, put it back, pour a tad of skim milk in my bowl, wait a while in the kitchen to account for the time id be using to eat, also if he comes down thats perfect cuz i can make like im just finishing, if not ill swirl the milk around and put it in the sink.
dinner- 1c spinach: 30cal or 3/4c stir fry: 30cal
if i have to to keep him off guard ill eat a 10cal no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup sometime after dinner
days total: 100-110cal

ill be sure to drink alot of tea, coffee and water to keep my tummy quiet and perhaps a can of root beer if i need it :P i still dont know HOW the FUCK im going to do a fast on the 29! im going to try my fucking best but if i have to eat, i have to eat. im not going stress out because at least im not binging and ill keep it as low as possible. ill have to think of another schedule for that day as well assuming i have no way around eating.

i did ok today as well =) i know i shouldnt have eaten the ice cream, especially SO close to when i ate dinner! fuck im an idiot! but hey i didnt binge! :D

1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 4:10p
2/3c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal 12:25a
ice cream: 160cal 12:45a

418cal

yay! my first dress!

today was eventful! :D xxx's mom took me to walk in closet, a thrift store, wow! she thought the sale was today but turns out its next weekend and she said we're going again then. but even if it wasnt today, she still bought me 2 tops and a beautiful dress! another wow! its the first dress ive gotten and i didnt expect it but im thrilled none the less! its black with tiny white polka dots and on the bottom there are a couple slits with white bows at the top of each slit and white mesh underneath trimmed with white lace to make it floofy-poofy XD its so beautiful! ill post a pic of it to show you later when i take my LB photos =) when i tried it on i felt like i should be wearing a string of classy pearls around my neck, red lipstick, white gloves, and a gothic lolita hat ^__^ coincidentally i painted my nails white and black this morning before we left. the next time we go to the thrift store im defo going to look for some shorts, i NEED them! theyre all ripped and shit! and i was aiming to look for a long-sleeve knit top thats on the bigger side and long enough that i can wear without shotrs if i wanted. i figured it would be good since its cold sometimes now :P im not at the point where its constant and im freezing. im so not looking forward to that, but i dont care. sacrifice is sacrifice.

haha i also did a great job of making myself look stupid. on my way out the door i was so excited, a little too excited, that i skipped toward the door and my foot went under the fucking rug and i fell forward almost smashing my face in the tile! O.o i hurt my knee because it was what broke my fall and my elbow and my ankle but they only hurt for a minute ^__^

i dont know when, hopefully tomorrow, me and xxx are going to take a walk down to the train track. im going to bring my dress, change into it when we get there and he's going to take pics of me in the dress for LB =) too bad i dont have the white gloves and red lipstick! that would really complete it! but i do have a black hat, white mesh flats, a black rose ring and a pearl necklace =) so that should do fine. im going to take our greyhound with us to be in it with me, i think it would make a good bonus since they are kind of a classy breed of dog.

i did good today im so happy! and again with the mac and cheese, i had no choice :P but i got to cook it again so i was in control of the butter and milk. if i let him cook it a half a stick of butter and 2% milk would have gone in there! O.o i use no butter and skim/fat free milk which makes it a little less than 260 (i still used 260 as the cals i calculated by) per serving vs. 290 =) i know its still too early for me to be saying this really, but i think i needed a regimented diet plan to get me back on track because im resisting food again, YAY! ana loves me again!

EDIT add:

we're going to go bulk shopping in a few days and im shooting for a bag of lettuce/salad, more beby carrots, a bag of frozen broccoli, a bag of frozen mixed veggies, quaker cream of wheat instead of oatmeal (less cals), another bag of stir fry veggies, mott's healthy harvest sauce blueberry delight, summer strawberry or regular granny smith, 15oz kraft fat free mayo (10cal for 1tbsp) and, a couple cans of bumble bee lump crab meat (40cal for ¼c). its 10 cals lower than bumble bee chunk light tuna in water and tastes better than tuna anyway! XD i REALLY REEEALLY know i shouldnt because its a huMONgous no no, but i think i should get peter pan whipped creamy peanut butter (25cal for 1tsp vs 32cal for 1tsp) i know, i know i shouldnt, but if i let them buy it and i dont get this one, i know i could binge. i get bad peanut butter cravings and if its lower cals at least i can indulge it sometimes while staying in the cal limits. that way, if i indulge the pb craving once in a while i wont be ignoring it like i did before cuz i binged a whole ½ jar once O.o OH! and also peppermint tea as Bree suggested =) thank you so much for all your comments, help and support! your a doll!

½c Kix: 44cal 4:22p
½ packet oatmeal: 65cal 8:00p
⅔c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal

302cal total

skipping day 1 of ABC with good reason

i love the glasses XD

i absolutely adore her style! im going to try to copy that! XD

so taday was day 1 of ABC (technically day 2 on the list), and i did good! =) im counting today as day 1 but its really day 2 on the ABC list. i decided to skip it because i calculated the days and theres a fast on the day j comes and that will be fucking impossible! at least with xxx i can go downstairs and pretend to eat and come back up and say i ate. but while she's here she'll probably follow me around cuz she's never met my boyfriend. safe to say it will be a tad bit weird...none the less i am excited =) i havent seen any of my friends scine i moved here so it will be super to be with a girl for a while and have girl time haha

i know the mac and cheese want the best of choices :( but i couldnt do much about it. at least i said id cook it so it looks like im being willing with food.

1/4c tamago meshi:70cal 5:18p
1 1/4c Kix: 110cal 6:00p
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 6p
1c Kraft mac and cheese: 290cal 12:45a

495cal eaten

the only part of my body i am somewhat proud of, soon there will be more

i am glad that i can see my clavicle, its defo the BEST part of my body! i need my ribs, spine, shoulder blades and the bone at the edge of my shoulder right at the top of my arm to show more. if i can do that, i will be happy! i will be more than happy! i will be ecstatic! thrilled! content! calm! beautiful! pure! clean! and THIN! im kind of taking a chance by having these pics here but no one i know personally, uses blogger or even cares to blog for that matter so i think im pretty safe =) im so glad i decided to blog. journaling in notebooks is way to convenient for snoopers and im-trying-to-figure-out-whats-wrong-with-you-ers. its happened to me 4x too many and ive finally used the intelligent part of my brain! XD ive had blogs before but just got lazy and didnt have as much access to a computer as i needed to be able to think/write what i needed to write.


ive done good today =) i am ok with my cals today, not much better than yesterday and still over like all of this past month! but its ok. while xxx was sleeping i took the left over hamburger helper that i said id eat today and put it straight in a coffee filter, crunched it up and threw it away and the fucking cheese sauce went down the sink =) the pig under the sink can get fat on it XD so i was able to get away with not eating till dinner because he thought i ate. i dont even feel the want for food! i think ana's come back! :D oh im so happy!!! its the best feeling to know you're going to be ok and everything will be fine.

i did have a whole fucking plan for what to eat today that i failed though :/ and it was going to be perfect, i was going to be under 200 like i used to be everyday before i caught the binge virus that has been cycling and passing from ana girl to ana girl in this community -__- so anyway that didn't work out because i found out we were having frozen pizza (330cal=1 slice) for dinner. i successfully cut one slice into 3 and when xxx saw it
"oh god..."
"what??"
"you cut it into little tiny pieces."
"ya! took a picture!" lie
"oh." relief smile
" is artistic!"
so i fed the 2/3rds of it to the dogs while i stood in the kitchen and ate my 1/3rd. but the very last piece i fed to the dog, she took it and for no fucking reason, ran out into the living room where xxx was to finish eating it! i got paranoid thinking he'll figure out that ive been feeding it to the dogs so i said "woa! she took the crust i gave her and bolted! ran away from grip (our other dog)! since when is grip the bully?! its usually her." then to be more convincing i asked for another slice and fucking started eating it! why?! but thank ana for liquids you use on foods! i grabbed hot sauce and wrote "FAT!" on it and that was enough to kill the on coming binge! :D i purged it and i think im finally back on track! my cals are completely over today but im ok and not upset about it because i know im going to be ok! =)

the post "Eat Well for Flat Abs" at Hopes For Hipbones was completely right! i had tamago meshi for breakfast and my tummy didnt even growl all day! well, it did but just a tad, i hardly felt it! :D im not completely back to ana yet so im scared to feel hungry for fear of it being a binge trigger. tamago meshi is one of my favorites so im glad =) and im japanese so eating a raw egg with rice is normal haha no need to cook it with pan spray, butter or oil. just crack and pop straight into the bowl! XD it definitely does the trick! i did the STUPIDEST thing though!!! xxx bought reese's pieces, a king size pack for me and one for him. i dont know why one pack said 190cal per serving and one said 200 but anyway. i got the 190cal pack and fucking divided wrong! 1 did 190/51 instead of 51/190! i was thrilled but confused to find out that the pack was only 30.33cal but it took me the whole pack to figure out that "hey, how is it i ate all 113 (yes i counted) pieces but its only 30.33cal when the bag says 2 servings of 190 is in here?.....FUCK!" so i went straight to the toilet of course! nooo way was i gonna let all 421cal stay in me uh uh! im not going to count it as a binge or get too upset. im only upset by the fact that im 21 and dont know how to fucking divide or realize the obvious! XD im defo being more careful now!

i saw a girl at kroger the other day and from the back she looked asian and skinny. she had on a mesh black 1/2 top ending just above her belly button, a black bra, and a long black skirt. i kicked xxx to show him cuz we like to spot sexy asian girls and show point them out to each other XD but then she turned sideways and i saw her face, she wasnt asian, just tried the asian style. but the 1st thing i noticed was that her tummy stuck out so far i dont know how she looked skinny from behind! O.o and it wasnt a pregnant belly pooch either, you could tell; it looked more like a beer belly pooch! O.o

my mom just got a walmart card and put 50$ on it =) i feel SO bad asking her for money but i need shorts and panties. my panties are so old theyre ripping and my shorts are too. my friend is coming down in 10 days so we're gonna go to the mall and ill get them then. =) ill save xxx a trip taking me to the mall since he absolutely hates it haha maybe i can get me a hat too, im a hat girl! XD i was thinking of using some of it, if i have enough, to FINALLY pierce my lip! but too bad i cant, i dont have enough and xxx told me i shouldnt do it yet. his mom is really money focused (greedy!) and will get on our case about why money was used for that and not things that are needed. she doesnt even particularly like when i buy new clothes :P bitch. what does she expect me to do?? walk around in hobo clothes?? she'd be more upset that i look like a slob :P but xxx said when he gets a job or when his mom and her husband go on their trip to vegas soon (oooh ya, thats a thing needed to spend money on, uhhh huh, definitely!). im defo gonna save up to get my lip pierced while theyre gone! FINALLY! ive been talking and waiting for it for fucking ever!! :D xxx has been trying to get a job and i think he may get this newest welding one they set up for him! and ive been applying like crazy! wish us luck!! :D

i didnt get to walk down to pick raspberries because i was doing clothes all day and we were busy but i will tomorrow...hopefully :P but ive been making sure that any and every time i go to the bathroom, i DO NOT open that door to leave until ive completed 100 squats =) so far so good! takes about 2 min for 100 so ive been doing about 15min everyday at least, plus the crunches ive been doing as well: 20-center, 20-left side, 20-right side, 30sec hold center in plank, 30sec hold in left twist, and 30sec hold in right twist =) i have gotten much better! i remember when i could do no more than 30 squats without a break and 15 crunches without a break. now i can do 100 squats, no break and 50 crunches going straight into a minute and a half hold crunch! :D YAY!!!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 1:55p
113 Reese's Pieces: 421cal 6:10p (purge 6:12p)
1/3 slice frozen pizza: 110cal 1o:25p
1 slice frozen pizza: 330cal 10:40p (purge 10:45p)
1/4c Rainbow sorbet: 60cal 1:00a

231cal over :P
991cal eaten
751-10%= 675.9cal purged
cal net total315.1

strawberry-fucking-vanilla swirl hair!

July 18

today sucked! i had to open my big mouth and ask to go to a frozen yogurt place if we could find one nearby -__- we went driving to a plaza where xxx thought one would be, turns out it wasnt there and he ended up taking me for a fucking burger! why did i open my mouth for fuck sake? i wish we had found the yogurt place, i would have eaten 200cal instead of 650! :/

1 burger w/swiss: 500cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
some french fries: 150cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
6 crackers: 76cal 8:30p
some egg salad: 30cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 25cal 8:30p
some jelly: 29cal 8:30p

110cal over :(
810cal eaten
650-20%= 520cal purge
290cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 19

today wasnt so bad...i gess...at least its under 700. thats all i ask for now until i get back in gear. i cant wait till im fully recovered and back to my 500cal limit and staying under 200cal! no matter what the limit, im used to staying considerably under so this barely under/completely over thing is just ridiculous to me i dont get why i cant just control myself. but i can feel the control coming back and the dislike of food finally coming back as well. i need the weak desire and want for food to disapear again!




tomorrow i plan on walking down toward the library to pick some wild raspberries like we found the other day :D gives me a good excuse to go walking and they're delicious! ive not allowed myself to eat them yet because its sort of like a reward for me and yesterday/today did not deserve a reward! but hopefully tomorrow! ^__^

Alice D talked about scrunching her hair in one of her recent posts and ive always wanted to try it. she posted a link to a youtube vid that explained how to do it so i gave it a try! :D i did my hair up just like the vid and ill see what happens when i wake! i did it a litto different though because i have absolutely nooo coordination whatsoever! XD sooo safe to say it wont be as curly or pretty but ill get the hang of it! well, provided i like how it looks on me tha is =) i plan on permin my hair curly someday ^__^ and i cant wait till i dye my hair purple! im planning on bleaching and streaking my hair a deep purple. i have so many colors i want to do though! (i have chocolate brown hair) in the future these are all the colors i will do:

light pink
hot pink
green
red
red and black
purple and black
purple and red
purple and green
light pink and green
light pink and black
hot pink and black
light pink, purple and green
and pooosiblyy bleach my hair platinum blond with light pink, kinda like a strawberry/vanilla swirl-ish look XD .....oh fuck, just listen to me, i want to look like fucking ice cream! dam fucking food! :P i absolutely adore colors! XD


3/4 Burger King strawberry shake: 322.5cal 5:00p
3/4c Kix: 66cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 55cal 8:35p
1c Hamburger Helper Cheesey Hashbrowns: 190cal

66.5cal under
633.5cal eaten

success! :D ana is giving me back control!

im getting out of the cage mia put me in

xxx woke me up earlier than normal today because we planned to take the dogs to the park =) i usually sleep at 6am and wake at 2pm haha vampire! but its good cuz the day seems to go by faster and i take naps sometimes. but the first thing i woke to was hunger -__- normally id completely love it! i did but because im in a prone to binging phase being hungry is dangerous. so of course a stupid cinnamon roll calls to me! and i ate it! at least i didnt binge because of it! step in the right direction! ive been keeping my binges to a minimal and relatively in control if you can call 676cal control from previously staying under 200..... :P

after the dog park his mom calls and tells him that a lady she knows caught a racoon and was scared of it but needed it gone. so me and xxx went to go pick it up but we had to wait a while for them to show up. when the lady came she had 2 daughters, one older and one little, and a 10yr old son. the older daughter looked about 14 maybe 15, she is one of the only skinny girls ive seen up here! i was surprised she wasnt chubby or fat. she stood a little next to me and kept looking at me and finally said "i like your top...its, nice." i said thanks but i thought "huh? its just a regular t-shirt i tied off to the side..." she seemed shy haha but i understood cuz im the same way. i try to make an effort and comment or say something stupid XD after the lady was done taking pictures of the racoon she told xxx "so is that your daughter?" while motioning to me hahaha he kinda laughed and said "no, my girlfriend. she's older then she looks..." but he was smiling and so was i. she felt sooo bad haha XD she kept saying sorry so he said "its ok, its been a joke of ours." too bad he was at the back of the truck and i was in the front keeping our dogs away from the racoon. we had planned to give eachother a super sexy french kiss in front of anyone who said i was his daughter or sister XD i would have loved to do that!

and just curious, everytime you make an adjustment to a post after you've posted, does it put it back in the dashboard list of new posts everytime?? if thats the case, WOOPS!!! i wonder how many fucking times you guys see my posts cuz i make alot of adjustments to my mistakes! XD

1 apple cinnamon roll: 290cal 11:40a
small spoon of ice cream: 25cal 1:13p
2 slices bread: 120cal 1:56p
1 scoop egg salad: 90cal 1:56p
part of a brownie cookie ice cream snadwich: 110cal 10:45p
1 celery stalk: 6cal 1:50a
some egg salad: 35cal 1:50a


24cal under
676cal eaten

theres hope yet!

since ive been binging like crazy and im back to where i started pretty much, ive decided to begin at the begining. but instead of starting out with 1000cal, because i couldnt handle letting myself go that bad, im going to make it 700cals. i am only allowed to consume .199997lbs each day and when i get back control for that i will start to bring the cals back down into the 100's. at least i havent been having to be force fed and watched because xxx thinks im "all better" and being "a good girl" :P so when i get back on track and in control and when ana's proud of me again, im going to do a better job of hiding and pretending im eating. im not going to fuck it up again! im come too far!

ive already screwed up today but im going to keep going, keep trying! im going to back control no matter what!

1cKix: 88cal 3:30p
1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 250cal 6:05p
1 Penn Station turkey dagwood sandwich: 500cal 9:00p (purge 9:15p)
1 scoop ice cream: 210cal 1:00a purged 1:10a)
1/2 cookie: 70cal 1:00a (purged 1:10a)
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 1:00a (purged 1:10a)

478cal over
1178cal eaten O.O
840-10%= 756cal purged
422cal net total

how many pounds are you eating?

i fucked up again today. i restricted and did well during the day but the nights always get me. i started out with a blueberry yogurt cup as i had planned, then ate the 1/2 packet of oatmeal and then i binged and purged a peanut butter jelly sandwich, a piece of strawberry pie, a apple cinnamon roll, a cheese/turkey roll, a cereal bar and a bag of popcorn! i said i wasnt going to binge today because i cant waste my low cal foods, i only have 2 yogurts left. im running out and moneys low, i dont even have anymore tampons! :/ i was lucky my period slowed down and ended early cuz i had to get by on pany liners, close call. im glad i purged it all because me and xxx took a walk to the library so i was able to burn off whatever was left in my stomach that i couldnt get out.

when we left the house for the library i was already so tired after walking not even a ¼ of the way there! in the libraby i was able to recover a tiny bit but not even 10 sec. back outside and i was ready to drop. i kept telling myself "your almost there, dont fall, dont faint. breathe: in...and out...in...and out. just breathe. its almost over..." and then id look up and see how far we had left, it felt like miles! i almost fainted right in the driveway only 10 feet away from the door! O.o i got so nauseous and that fucking annoying thing that happens when everything goes blurry and turns black then refocuses kept happening! im so glad i didnt faint! thats the last thing i need! a ride to the hospital to be told im anemic, which i already know, and to be billed for it. to be billed for nothing, yet again...speaking of which, the hospital never called back about my blood test results, (no surprise there the fucking fat ass didnt even get what she was supposed to) and im not going to call to find out. the last thing i need is to be told im anemic, im underweight and to be given the eating disorder test and a full exam. hell fucking no! fuck that shit!

heres a helpful thinspo that i researched. i looked up how many calories equal to 1 pound. so from now on, when im binging, im going to do my best to keep track of the calories i eat so that maybe i can pull myself out of it because ill be seeing exactly how many pounds im gaining as i eat the shit i eat.

3500cal = 1lb
1750cal = ½lb
875cal = ¼lb
500cal = .142855lb
400cal = .114284lb
300cal = .085713lb
200cal = .057142lb
100cal = .028571lb
1cal = .00028571lb

back on track but possibly being kicked out :(

yesterday was my first day back on track and im glad! its such a relief! i hope i can continue in the right direction =) theres a whole strawberry pie and im scared for when they open it! i dont know if i can resist! but im going to do my absolute fucking best!



im worried a little. xxx's mom is being a complete fucking bitch and says we have to move out. she's mad at him because he couldnt fix the washer. she turned it on and it sprayed water all over her and she says he sabotaged her...how stupid a reason to kick us out! he tried to fix it and he couldnt so she's pissed. we have no where to go, no jobs, nothing, not even a car to live out of because thats her car...i dont know what we'll do :/ i have no doubt she'll throw out all of his stuff if he cant take it with us. he doesnt want me to live on the street with him so he asked me last night if i thought my friend J, the one that was going to come over the end of this month (which isnt going to happen now if this is really happening and his mom really does throw us out), would let me stay with her for a week. her dad probably would let me stay there but, but, thats fucking scary! he works at the psych ward with cutters, anorexics, bulimics, and depressed people. he knows all the tricks and things to look for im NOT going to a hospital no fucking way! :( im scared for us, im scared for me, i hope his mom gets over it! and if she doesnt i hope one of his friends will have a heart to let us stay. i want to stay with him...


1/2c Kix: 44cal 3:35p
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 3:35p
1 Dannon Light & Fit yougurt cup peach: 80cal 6:07p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 1:00a
1 no-sugar/low-caloire Jell-o cup: 10cal 2:25a


311cal under
189cal eaten

i want it all to end...but i dont.....i miss everyone

been a bit since ive posted anything or commented...i miss you guys...ive been stuck in mia the past few days and its really torturing me. i need to get back control but its not happening. i keep telling myself to do it, just stop it, be like before. i eat my usual 30-80cal meal, tell myself "thats it, your doing good", and then it sets off a binge and i purge. ive been binging/purging up to 7x a day and i cant stop...i want it all to stop. "let me go mia! i want to go back to ana! ana help me! please! i need strength, i need control." evidently my body wants food (of-fucking-course!) thus all the binges, but i cant fucking let it eat! im not letting go of the 13lbs ive lost! it took me 3 fucking months, which is ridiculously too long, and im not going back only to take another 3 months to get back here and do it all over again, im not.

ive been feeling alot more guilty about lying to xxx. ive been stupidly pushing the fact that im getting better and trying to believe/pretend that i am. i binge a ton and purge it all and then i go to xxx and say "proud of me?! i ate this, and this, and this, and this. man im full now! but proud of me?!" i feel like a fucking little lost puppy trying to gain recognition that what im doing is good even if i fucking know its not! im a fucking fraud! a liar, a cheat, a fuck up, a conniving, deceitful, manipulative bitch...i dont deserve him...i felt so bad today that i tried to be "normal", what a joke, i dont know how to eat like everyone else; theres either restrictions or binges and purges. there is no fucking normal. its black. or white. no grey. if i had to choose, id choose to stick with restrictions. when i binge, no matter if i purge or not, i still feel disgusted with myself for my lack of control. i feel a little better knowing that i didnt eat all of what i binged but it still makes me look horrible in the mirror. i can see that ive gained in these past few days and its horrible!!! ive stopped keeping track of how many calories ive eaten because its pointless, im over, im binging, im purging, its pointless...

YAY!!! ive been staying cheap!

June 6

yesterday went good until i had a fucking binge on graham crackers and a peanut butter jelly sandwich. i couldnt purge because i ate too fast and all the air in my tummy made it hard to purge silently. oh mother of all hell my tummy hated the fuck outta me! i felt like i had to take the worst crap of my pathetic life it hurt so bad! my tummy must ABSOLUTELY HATE peanut butter!!! after a while i couldnt take it i went to the bathroom and purged it all! lucky me the air had time to come up through little burps in the time i waited.

i needed a scratch bad on my back so i bent over and asked him to scratch my back for me and after a while
"you have to eat more..."
"why??"
"i can see your ribs and you spine real bad..."
"oh...thats good!"
"...babe..."
i get up and hug him with my head facing down and my cheek on his chest "i like it." he cant see but i have the biggest smile.
"i dont..."
"why?? its good. im healthy theres nothing to worry about."
"but i dont like it, its not good it makes me sad."
"...it makes me happy."
"fine, if it makes you happy..."
"what love? im fine."
"....."
"im trying to eat..."
"i know..."

1 baby carrot: 2cal 4:35p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 6:15p
1/4 hamburger: 62.5cal 8:30p
binge

_?_cal over
_?_cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 7

today i did ok. i thought i made a horrible mistake by eating the rest of my salmon meal (140) too early. he ended up wanting me to eat again later so i made a cup of stir fry (40cal) and had a cup of jello. but it wasnt so bad, i stayed under 200 while satisfying his want for me to eat =)


1/2 Logan's Roadhouse Misquite Wood-Grilled Salmon: 140cal 4:45p
1c stir fry: 40cal 11:45p
chew/spit 1 cinnamon roll: 130cal 5:10p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 12:05a


310cal under
190cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 8

i had to get up early today so we could take xxx's mom to work and the dog to the groomer. i woke up, made tea and ate 2/4c kix and 1/4c fruity marshmellow minis =) it was good and i feel good today! i didnt do anything today other than that today and my calories were ok =) ive been managing to stay under 200cal for the most part =)

calories are eaten at the expense of my body, so if you think about it the more calories a food has the more expensive it is XD haha just a weird thought i came up with, wow, its weird! XD

2/4c Kix: 44cal 7:00a
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 7:00a
1 plum: 30cal 5:30p
1 stalk celery:6cal 8:43p
2 baby carrots: 4cal 8:43p
a drop of dressing: 5cal 8:43p
chew/spit 1 yokan: 170cal 9:00p
1/2 oatmeal packet: 65cal 12:15p
couple fruity marshmellow minis: 5cal 12:15p
drop of chocolate sauce: 3cal 12:15p (guilty pleasure)

313cal under
187cal eaten

mia's taking over...

i did kind of suckie today. i chose the grilled salmon 280cal and ate half =) but before the food came xxx gave me some bread and well...i ate it O.o fucking bread was definately at least 100cal in itself because it had so much butter, i couldnt take it so i purged :P after the salad. then i ate another roll :( then our food came, i ate half and ate another fucking roll! im diving back into mia and i dont want to! im starting to binge and its making me frustrated because im losing control! i hate the cycle! binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge, b, p, b, p, i want to just eat like how i want to eat so that i dont have to torment myself.

it was kinda packed so while we were waiting for them to call us for a table and for xxx's mom's husband to get there, they looked at the menu but because of last nights calorie research i already knew what i wanted. his mom asked and i showed her

"thats the diet section, what are you on a diet??"

"i, i dunno i just, cuz its smaller than the normal one and i dont eat much" she actually cut me off and didnt even hear what i said. she let me just talk into deaf ears.

"ya, thats diet food!"

xxx didnt look too happy but i just told myself "im eating and thats what matters...to him...them..."

then later in the restaurant when it came my turn to order i told the waiter

"umm the grilled salmon..." and pointed to the menu in hopes that he'll just write it down, but no,

"the health nut one?"

"ya."

xxx's mom's husband put his beer down "health nut??"

xxx's mom stopped eating her dinner roll "ya, diet food."

xxx didnt say anything but i knw he was a little bothered by it. but i ate so, hey! be happy, which he was later. i think it was just incomfortable...fuck it was sooo uncomfortable! is a skinny girl not allowed to eat healthy? why does it have to be a shock?

ive fell in complete love with music by frou frou and lily allen! if you want to check them out theyre in my grooveshark on the left column :D it makes me feel happy to listen to allt he songs in my playlist ^__^ i like to just sit, close my eyes and sway to the music and if no one is around to see me i stand up and twirl with my eyes closed XD its fun just to let the feelings of the music embrace you.

1 Logan's Roadhouse dinner roll: 100cal 6:10p (purge 6:17p)

salad: 20cal 6:15p (purge 6:17p)

1 Logan's Roadhouse dinner roll: 100cal 6:20p (purge 6:37p)

1/2 Logan's Roadhouse Mesquite Wood-Grilled Salmon: 140cal 6:30p (purge 6:37p

1 Logan's dinner roll: 100cal 6:35p (purge 6:37p)

40cal under

460cal eaten

460-10%=414cal purged

46cal net total

my first weigh in! and holidays suck! :P

awww thanks girls for all your comments, i love you all! your all so hepful to me and you give me so much strength with your comments and blogs! im sorry ive been a little non existant on your blogs :/ i havent had very much time do do any reading what with being watched so much. but i try to read when i can and i did some commenting last night =) yay wow! i hope i get quaker puffed rice cereal today! its the lowest cal cereal ive found yet! its 37.5cal for 3/4c :D yay! i can eat 3x a day with that and only be at 112.5! or i can eat 2x a day and eat one sugar-free/low-calorie jell-o with only 10cal! plus im hoping to get me some frozen veggies! :D if im able to get the food i need i can finally be off the fucking radar i fucking hate it!

its fucking july 4 so of course, parties and food :P on the way to his friends house he says
"tomorrow night we're all going out to eat so you better stretch out that tummy of yours tonight."
"tomorrow night?"
"ya."
"...you can take food home you know." i laugh.
when we get there they've already started cooking and im glad its turkey burgers, i can ease my mind just a tad. but it was disgusting, D (his friend) was passing xxx the cheese and buns with his hands and he laughingly admitted he didnt wash his hands after he scratched his balls O.O what the fuck dude?! im glad xxx didnt give me cheese cuz he knows i dont want it anyhow. and he let me switch my bun before he took my burger off the grill. while they were cooking xxx offered me a cookie and i smiled and said no but he made a face so i grabbed one and sneaked most of it to the dog. i did that with 5 cookies so i ate about 1 whole cookie x_X

when my burger was done i put mustard on it and cut it into 4. i took 2 bites of one and put my hand down while i chewed my 2nd bight and looked around and what do you know! their dog snached it outta my hand! XD i love that fucking dog! *BING* light bulb shines as bright as the fucking sun! i took another bight of another 4th and put my hand down and *snatch* it disappears. i did that with the 3rd one as well and left the 4th piece untouched because i didnt wanna be too obvious and suspicious that i can suddenly eat a whole burger. i should've left 2 behind but oh well, that dogs fun to feed! and easy to, shes so huge you could giver a whole pizza and she'd be done in a second and no one would ever know you fed her XD i put my plate on the rail (we were out on the deck) and sat there feeding the dog peanuts when xxx went inside and got a plate of mac and cheese
"you want some? try it its good." yep, here comes more food pushing...
"....."
his friend hears us "ya try some alice! i made it really good! its velveeta." how can that mean you made it really good?? its a fucking recipe man.
"um, ok..."
xxx scrapes a few scoops on my plate. i know i have to at least touch it so i eat it one noodle at a time until i eat 10. it really was cras, and not only cuz i didnt want it and was basically forced, it just tasted like shit! good way to help the not eating XD i love when that happens!

it really was annoying though! xxx kept saying things about how skinny i am and so did his friends! fuck im not skinny...ok i may be a little skinny but no where near thin yet!
one incident:
me and xxx are sitting on the railing and he reaches over to pinch my tummy. he likes to pinch me in an affectionate non-painful way on my arms, back, tummy and my thighs.
i laugh "stop it." i smile.
"i didnt even grab anything. i cant, theres nothing there."
"yes there is." cant you feel it? dont you see it when i bend over?! im gross!
"no theres not."
"theres like this much." and i show him with my hands about a5 inches.
"right."
"there is."

another incident
while we were watching fireworks his friend looks over at me
"you needa feed her a sandwich!"
xxx didnt hear him.
"xxx"
"ya?" oh cras dont make him say again!
"make her a sandwich!"
"...huh?.......why?" oh fuck c'mon! do you have to make him explain it?!
"she looks hungry!" and no there wasnt any food around that i was staring at...
"...she ate a burger..." boyfriend, please...
"i know but she's so skinny! go feed her!"
i know xxx really didnt understand but it still sucks!

i have a netspend card that the stupid people wont validate and they gave me until today to spend whats on it or they take it. i forgot to spend it so on the way home we stopped at the gas station and of course, as if i havent eaten enough today, the only thing i could buy was food -__- i got a blueberry nutrigrain bar, blueberry danish, gum, blueberry life water and a red bull for xxx. i thought "ill buy food so he feels better but ill find a way to not eat it later." but now i feel like i shoulda bot a shit-load of gum and life water! im a fucking idiot! but i took care of the nutrigrain when we got home! thank you inventor of the toilet and my mind for being able to keep with chew/spit and not swallowing! :D i fucking hate cookies, burgers, cheese and danishes! theyre chock full of calories with such small amounts. i could think of a ton of things that have less calories for way more! my calorie intake is quite suck-ish today! 2nd fucking day im over 200! fuck! i cant keep doing this! i need to lose weight before the 30th cuz man that weekend is going to be bittersweet!

OH! ill end with a happy note! while i was there i went to the bathroom twice, purged downstairs and im glad that later the downstairs bathroom was occupied becuse it made me have to go upstairs and low and behold there was a fucking SCALE on the floor! i stripped down and weighed myself! im so fucking glad to say i DID lose! i was 107 and now im 94!!! :D ive reached GW 3!!! too bad i cant put dates to when i reach GW 1 dnd 2 but im still happy! ^__^

5 baby carrtos: 10cal5:35p
1 cookie: 70cal 7:20p (purge 8:00p)
1/4 turkey burger w/bun: 67.5cal 7:50p (purge 8:00p)
mustard: 0cal 7:50p (purge 8:00p)
10 maraconi noodles from Velveeta Mac Snd Cheese: 10cal 8:10p
chew/spit 1 Nutrigrain cereal bar blueberry: 130cal 11:30p
2c popcorn: 60cal 1:30a

282.5cal under
217.5cal eaten
137.5-20%= 123.75cal purged
93.75cal net total

this is the new shit

im getting better at prenending to eat. i feel bad because im lying and cheating.......but what else can i do?...its really my only choice.

xxx went to burger king before doing all the stuf we had to take care of

"want anything?"

"...umm...oh! what you had last time."

"double cheese burger?" fuck no! you wanna kill my indisdes?

"no that ummm, you had it last time..."

"ya, double cheese burger."

"nooo it was a drink thing.."

"oh! the oreo shake! ok"

"..ya..." i needed to get something but i couldnt think, i knew it was totally the wrong choice! then i spotted it, "mm mm, funnel cake sticks!"

"where?"

"right there in the middle of the left pannel."

"oh, ok."

so i got that instead. i ate 2 sticks on the way to the gas station accross the street. when we got there and he went in the store. so while he was gone i wrapped 4 of them in some napkins and put them in my purse. i LOVE that purse! life, or i should say, tummy saver! XD next we had to go meet his mom on her job and give her, her lunch. he ate his cheese burger on the way. so happened, perfect coincidence, she was at a gas station in her mail truck so while he was talking to her i put the ones in my purse in the bag along with his cheese burger wrapper. then i made sure that he saw me put the 3 that were in the box, in my mouth. but when he wasnt looking i spit them out in the bag.

"anything else you wanna throw away?" i ask with a healpful face on.

"oh, ya, here." puts reese's wrapper in the bag and i go throw it away.

later on he brought me up half a toasted peanut butter sandwich with a ton of peanut butter in it. i got worried for a minute and started freaking out, "fuck how am i gonna do this?! i CANT eat this! i cant!" but the dog was there so to avoid the smacking lips from the peanut butter i let most of it drip out and i ripped and fed her tiny pieces. he saw me with a little of the sandwich left in my hand

"can i feed it to her?"

"no. she had some downstairs." ya. right, maybe she did but like im going to believe thats the reason your so stern about it...isnt funnel cake sticks and a bag of popcorn enough for you? dam!

"oh, ok."

while i was ripping it into one bigger piece and one smaller, "can i let her lick the plate? i wanna see her sticky mouth." smile.

"ya." uhhh huh, point made.

i put the bigger piece on the plate and let her eat it and lick the rest of the peanut butter =) safe!!! aaand then i fucked it up with a 3 cracker binge! fuuuck its the first day over 200 in a while...beside the day i was forced to eat...

2 Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks: 67cal 12:45p
2c popcorn: 60cal 2:40p
2c popcorn: 60cal 7:27p
1 teenie tiny bite toasted peanut butter sandwich: 9cal 9:05p
3 Keebler Zesta crackers: 36cal 11:30p

268cal under :(
232cal eaten

pretty good today =)

ive developed an obsession with blueberries XD everything and anything blueberry that you could imagine! blueberry special k cereal, blueberry special k bars, tea, lotion, perfume, shampoo, conditioner everything haha! i just love blueberries! i want to smell blueberries all the time ^__^ i want to smell like them!

a few minutes ago xxx came back up from downstairs holding 2 cups with forks and i thought, "crap!" he said "here." in a firm, you will eat it voice. so i had no choice, he already made it. lucky me he went downstairs so i ran to the toilet and dumped 3/4 of it and flushed. i waited a while and went downstairs. saved for today! that fucking cup had 300cal in it! O.o

1 Special K bar strawberry: 90cal 6:15p

1/4 Cup A Noodle: 75cal 10:03p

335cal under

165cal eaten

"I Like Everything"

I like curly, wavey, somewhat messy hair.
Clips, bows, polka dot ribbons.
Colorful rubber bands and hats of all shapes and sizes.
I like odd tops that are ugly.
Tops with funny sayings, tops that are little, tops that are big.
I like to drown in a top that is too large or suffocate in a top that is too tiny.
I like jumpers, shorts, skirts and dresses.
Long shorts, short skirts, flowing dresses.
Bubble shorts, bubble skirts.
Short shorts made with denim, corduroy, and classy fabrics.
I like covering my cream colored legs.
Pink socks with black stripes, leggings lined with lace, stockings with little suspended dots.
I like black shoes, white shoes, pink, green, orange, and yellow.
Shoes that click when i walk and squeak when i turn.
Mesh shoes, clear shoes, canvass shoes.
I like pearls, beads, silver and plastic.
Teapots and merry-go-rounds from my neck.
Brushes from my wrists and stars from my fingers.
I like music that calms the restless soul, music that wakes up your life, music i cant understand and says everything without a single word.
I like singers that stand out with crazy hair, ugly style and singers that cant sing.
Singers whose voices hypnotize your mind.
I like soft, thick, warm blankets in winter and thin, airy light blankets in the summer.
Blankets that keep me safe, wrap me up and rest lightly on my skin.
I like the dinosaurs on my tiny blanket all year round for the little girl inside me.
Light, old, and smells like dust it keeps my childhood alive.
I like parks with trees, green grass and hills.
Warm, cool breeze to mess my hair, swings to reach the sky, slides to feel a rush.
Crawling through kiddy tunnels and climbing up the wrong way on slides.
I like escalators and glass elevators.
Keeping my legs still and making the moving rails pull me in.
Waiting until the last minute before I jump off.
Watching the people below with bags, carts and purses.
I like old books, new books and library books.
Hard, soft, broken or torn.
About love, laughter and painful journies to happiness.
I like smells.
Books, flowers, berries, vanilla, coffee, rain, my love and my blanket.
The smell of old books to make my soul tingle with joy.
Coffee in the morning that make my senses twirl.
The smell of rain in the air to make my skin tingle.
I like to wake to the sound of birds and the feel of my loves soft skin brushing mine.
Soft breathing that fills the room, the rise of his chest under my palm.
I like colors of fruits and vegetables.
Crunchy orange, thin white, tube green, round red and blue.
I like coffee, tea and water.
Vanilla tea, clear water, black coffee.
Bluberry tea, fruit water, sugar coffee.
Strawberry tea, vitamin water, marshmellow coffee.
I like drinking from sippy cups, eating hello kitty spoons and on smiley face plates.
I like being werid, hyper and fun.
Sleeping in my lap, buying ugly things, squeaking when im happy.
Sticking out my tounge and smiling, tilting my head and staring at things.
I like to twirl, jump, hop and skip.
I like the sky.
The clouds that drift hiding the continents from being baked like cookies.
The birds that soar, wings spread, for miles.
Swaying trees that frame my gaze above.
I like the ocean filled with life.
People at beaches, fish in the sea and coral in reefs.
Seals that guard their pups with their life, otters with clams on their fuzzy wet tummies, sharks that threaten to end their lives.
I like big teddy bear dogs, scamppering playful ferrets and teenie bright yellow fluffy birdies.
I like to watch the rainbow colors in bubbles swirl furiously while i blow until they fade and pop.
I like cute little desk lamps.
Dangling chains, colorful glass and shiny stands.
I like old fashioned things.
White creamy teapots, cups and saucers with pretty flowers and silver rims.
Houses with untouched treasure filled attics.
Heavy victorian hair brushes with soft white bristles.
Cold brass beads that creak when you sit.
I like girly fragrances in pretty glass bottles.
Fragrances that tickle my nose and make me smile.
Spray and watch the little dots of smell fall into my clothes.
I like smooth liquidy lotion.
Drawing happy faces on my thigh and making it cry as i drag my finger through one eye.
I like beautiful photos of smiles, ribs, hips and spines.
Girls with flowers in their hair, flowers lit up by the sun, dainty open-back dresses, and cute little strawberry jewelry.
I lilke watching fish glide through water.
Seewt, uncaring and blistfully pecking at plants.
Hiding under rocks and sleeping in cups, fins swaying with the motion of the water.
I like soft, cute, adorable lizards.
Living together in a hole in my tree.
Hiding from day and eating at night.
Licking their glowing golden eyes.
I like sparklers for New years or late night romance.
Drawing stars in the night sky and writing my loves name on the cool asphalt.
I like everything.

please contribute to my photo collage! pleeeease? :D

as ive said in my other blogs im making an "alice corner" to be titled 'alice in thinland' (of course haha) i dont have the money for it yet but i will soon! so for now im getting ready by selecting the pictures i want to print out.

ive decided to ask people that mean something to me: family (some) and friends to contribute photos/pictures to my collage =) and you guys all mean SO much to me!!! :D so if you want to... and i know you do! XD ...you can contribute a photo of your choice. it doesnt have to be you by any means, since i know most of us are keeping ouselves secret, and you dont even have to be the one who took it. it can be anything you chose no matter if its weird and you can have gotten it off the internet somewhere.
ex: your dog, a building you admire, a pair of shoes you want, a thinspo picture you treasure, a flower, a car, a pillow, a lamp, a strawberry, a do not eat sign, a scale, a tree, a street sign, a funny sign, a dead mouse, haha i have a photo like that XD anything your creative hearts desire!

you can get it to me through a link to photobucket or send it to this email:
anigirlcosplay@yahoo.com

i hope i get some photos from you guys! that would mean so much! everytime i wake up and i see them i will smile and it will give me strength for that day =)
as i said before it doesnt have to be you so no worries =)

no interferance in my food habits

things went alot better today! i was able to eat without being watched so i was able to sneak and half my oatmeal packet. i just used a smaller bowl and added a ton of water to make it full. i didnt let him get a chance to see it so he wouldnt notice how watery it was. and he fell asleep watching tv so i snuck downstairs, grabbed a danish and went to the bathroom to chew/spit it into the toilet.

last night he kept acting all sad and sulky and i thought it was cuz of me being stubborn about my eating. but then he started asking me if i was mad and id say no and 15min later he'd ask again.
"are you mad at me?"
"no." in a innocent voice cuz i kinda was.
"well you were.."
"how did you know i was?"
"you cant hide anything from me."
"...."

half hour later
"are you mad at me?"
"no."

later
"i love you." sounding like he's checking if i do.
"i love you."

later
"still love me?"
"of course i still love you!"

later in bed
"im not used to you being mad at me..."
"stop it already, we made eachother equally upset."
"why were you mad at me?"
"you know why and if i say it your gonna get mad next." because you fucking made me eat and made my stomach fucked up! (my fucking stomach hurt into the next day because i couldnt purge enough!)
"ok...i gess we better burry it already."
"ya."

so i dunno. maybe he'll stop it for a while as long as i can eat enough to stay out of radar. so to him, today i ate 2 meals and thats good enough.

we had to go to the store and while we were getting in the car
"want anything from mc donalds?"
"your going to mc donalds?? you?? your going to mc donalds?? wowww!" he absolutely hates mc donalds.
"ya, i gotta pick up food for J." his moms husband.
"oh..."
"imma get chicken nuggets." the only thing he'll eat from there.
"iii want ramen." trying to sound cute and innocent.
"....." he didnt react so i dont know if that was a ok or a here she goes again kinda thing.
in the drive through i debated french fries to make it look like im ok cuz im changing my mind, and i have a weakness for mc donalds french fries. but i just held my tounge, pictured the oil its submerged in and pictured it dripping when they take it out of the fryer. then i was safe and we were on our way home =) i made it through today!

1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 4:50p
3 baby carrots: 6cal 8:00p
1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 11:00p
chew/spit 1 apple danish: 190cal 3:30a

364cal under
136cal eaten

im sick right now and i dont want to be cared for for the "sickness" you seem to think i have

my stomach hurts so bad!!! i dont even want to know how many calories ive eaten! i feel so fat; i can see it, i can feel it, ive gained so much weight tonight :'( i want to cry but i have to hold it in. i want to cut, cut so deep through the fat that covers my bones and rip it all off. i want to run away and purge it all. i want to purge my guts out! purge my fat, my being, my very horrid existence out of this fat disgusting greasy world. i want to purge until i can be me again, until i can feel beautiful and happy with myself. i am happy with my life with my boyfriend but i cannot live a fully happy life until i accept my refection as it is, and i dont. why is that so wrong?

dear people who want me fat, people who cant understand my path to beauty,

why is it so wrong to want outer beauty as well as inner? i am not dead, and neither am i dying. i simply want beauty. i want to feel calm when i look at my reflection. i wish i could be as proud of my fat existence as you all seem to be. i wish that i could attain the thinness that the rare few of you seem to attain even while eating disgusting amounts of food...but i cannot. i despise the rotten smell of food and oil, the desire i have to eat and food itself. if you would all shut up, if my fleshly desires would shut up, i would eat lettuce and carrots for the rest of my life. to open one's own skin is unacceptable you say, to eat so little as i eat is shocking you all say. and how is it your flaws are gone unnoticed? the feasting, the over eating, the laziness, the gluttony. show me, how is that any better? my stomach is at its normal size, while yours? yours is stretched out and ugly. i keep my consumption in check, only consuming what i need and no more, i use food as my life-line and nothing else, while you? you abuse it! so please, tell me, why am i wrong? one eats "too little" while the other eats too much, one is in control while the other is run amok, one is almost thin while the other is fat. my dear, dear fat and over eating people, i think it is me who should be allowed the freedom and you to be confined!

love,
your darling.....caring.....always fighting, alice...to be in thinland no matter what the fuck you fucking say because you cant stop me! i will fucking fight it!

"you havent eaten in two days!" ya, right. like you'd let me get away with that. what do you call what ive been shoving in my mouth huh? dirt?!
"define not eating."
".....babe......you know how you said to tell you when im upset with you?"
"ya....what?" oooh here it comes, here it fucking comes a-fucking-gain!
"i feel frustrated, aggrivated.....hurting my feelings..."
"whyyy? im healthy! im fine!"
"you havent done this since you been here..."
"this is how ive always been. i used to be like this befroe i moved here!"
"..."
"i dont like to.....eat...alot."
".......i walked 2 miles to the store for you yesterday because i love you, you can eat for me tonight." guilt trip.

"....ok..." it worked.

we went to the store, he got pizza. he cut me a little slack and said i could eat my soup. i thought,
"ok, thats not so bad. 1 cup is 50cal, i can do that."
so we got home he started his pizza, i porued out 1 cup into a bowl. i wasnt really into it becuae i was being forced and watched so i got lazy and went for the microwave. he saw how much i had in the bowl and got a little loud
"oh babe c'mon!"
"what?! ill eat more later!" i head to the microwave.
"why dont you pan that?!" you mean 'pot'?!
"because...i dont know!"
"....you know what. do it how you want...do what you want..."
"....." i pour my bowl out into a fucking pan and pour all the contents of that fucking can into the pot and turn the stove on high!
in the meantime he cools off and my soups almost done. he walks into the kitchen and i change my tone to soft, inncoent and understanding.
"my tummy's tiny now i cant just eat all of that at once. i was going to come back later."
he sighs "i know.." did you really? or did you just let your frustration take over? huh?
he realizes he may have left his phone at the store and goes to look.
while he's gone i eat half the soup and feed half to the dogs. but the more i think about the whole fucking situation ive found myself in the more angry, hateful (toward myself) and trapped i feel.
"you want me to eat?! huh?! you want me to fucking eat?! ill fucking eat!!!"
i make myself a half peanut butter sandwich with a tsp each of peanut butter and jelly. i shove half in my mouth and feed the dogs the rest. im angry but i cant help trying to restrict and stop myself. i cant get rid of the anger. he comes home and i nearly get caught with some of the soup in the dogs bowls, they couldnt eat fast enough so i stick my hand in frantically grabbing what i could and throwing it in the trash before he opens the door. he didnt see me but my heart is pounding and im shaking. i dont want to be caught! id look even worse in his eyes than i appear right now. he didnt find his phone, im still angry and hurt and i feel disgusting and now add nervousness to it. im yelling it even louder in my head now "ill fucking eat! is this what you want?! huh?! you want me to be a fat pig?!! huh?! ok! ill be what you want!" as im stuffing my face with a cinnamon roll. he sees me eating and he looks relieved. pft, he has no idea what it is doing to me on the inside! he decides to make a note about his phone and who to call if its found and says he's going back out to give it to customer service.

"you want me go with??"
"no, i want you stay here and eat."
"i did eat! i had the soup, well i threw out most the soupy part cuz i couldnt finish it and i ate a peanut butter jelly sandwich and that cinnamon thing."
"you did?!" ya you dont see?
"ya..."
"oh good girl!"
"i am??" wtf...it made mefeel happy but, he has no idea what it puts me through...
"ya!" uhhh huh...if only you knew how its making me feel. its torturing me on the inside!
since he wants me to stay that gives me some hope to make it up to ana while he's gone. i run upstairs and purge it all! well as much as i fucking can! i feel somewhat empty. when he came back i still felt so much anger and hatred and i dont know why but even while she was yelling at me for doing it and im saying no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, i ate another cinnamon roll and made myself a cheese ham roll :'( my stomachs in turmoil as well as my mind. i cant take this! i dont want another day of this yelling and screaming in my mind! i dont want to feel this way! i just want to be left alone to do what makes me feel calm inside...

later when we went back in the room he hugged me a little too tight

"oh careful! my stomach is too full."
"oh, ya sorry i forgot." he lets go and i go on the bed.
"i really did eat too much.."
he sighs "babe, i dont wanna hear it..."
"well, i used to eat little before i moved here remember?...why was it ok then and not now?"
"i know and i talked to your mom about it."
"you did?! what did she say?!"
"she said you didnt eat!"
"why didnt you ever say anything to me about it?!"
"i did! dont you remember i got on you about eating?!"
"....." i remember now "but im fine! im healthy! i just dont like to eat so much!"
"..im not gonna argue about this with you (what am i a child?), i, i dont wanna talk about this anymore. i dont wanna talk about it."
"..."
i know. you never want to talk about it. when i was scared to go against my mom and give you my address so you could send me a christmas gift and i told you i couldnt do it, you didnt wanna talk about it. when i cut myself 7x a day you could talk about it but when you realized i couldnt get better fast enough for you, you didnt wanna talk about it. and now, when my not eating is getting too much for you, you dont want to talk about it. i need to talk about it with someone! i need someone! and if its anybody it should bloody fucking be you!!!.........im glad i have this blog to get those hurtful thoughts out because im just so frustrated and hurt and confused and i dont want to take anything out on him that isnt his fault. i just want to talk. if he's not going to listen then he should at least support letting me see someone, but he wont. and even if i want so desperetely to talk to someone, im too scared to. i dont want to be stopped, i just...i dont know...i dont know what i want.

i feel so sick right now! my stomach just refuses to digest all this crap ive put into me! i dont want to eat like this ever again. i dont want to feel this anger anymore. ive had these feelings before, over and over, again and again all my life, please boyfriend dont make me do it again, please...

im not listing todays over, eaten, purged or net total cals. i do not want to know and neither have i kept track. im just so depressed...