the secret behind my love of simplicity

have you ever felt like your not real? not as in, a fake/shallow person, but as in nonexistent. im not sure really; ive often felt like im not really here and that im just tired of it, of everything, of life. walking to the library today i cried. i talked to the air, the trees, myself, no one, anyone...i asked why i couldnt just fall to the ground right there and just go to sleep. fall into an eternal sleep. i have moments of happiness where i feel so good and i can enjoy the tiny simple things in life, but thats just it. they are simple. thats why i enjoy them so, you neednt think or stress. its just there to observe, to feel, to embrace.

lady bugs crawling on blades of grass
berries in the woods
bunnies hopping into bushes
cloud shapes in the sky
thunder storms
the rain
the moon
the stars
coffee and a book
tea and a letter
morning magic
evening magic
butterflies fluttering on flowers
birds in the sky
fuzzy cute winter hats
cuddly stuffed animalsmy downy soft blankiebows
clips
socks
plants flowers
gardens
a walk in the park
a ride on the swings
tender lipped kisses
warm safe hugs
a picnic at the beach
the look in my lovers eyes
the steady sound of his heart as i lay with my ear to his chest

all of those things, they just are, theres no thinking, contemplating, planning, stress, fear, anxiety. it is simplicity, just, calm, living, peaceful, loving and free. those are my happy moments. thus is the reason i am able to find myself ecstatic in times such as those, for the simple fact that they are, well, simple. ive said before how i wish i could purge myself until i am nothing, until i turn myself inside out and implode, jump off an ocean side cliff or starve until i disappear. there is just something in me that switches every-so-often into this mode of hopelessness. i feel often like ive no future. ive aspirations, hopes, dreams, goals that all give me joy to think about, but i somehow feel as if ill never get them, ill never reach them, im not good enough to make it that far or that ill fail trying and end up even more of a nothing than i currently am. i suppose that is the reason for my procrastination. isnt that quite contradictory? i am a complete and utter perfectionist and yet i can procrastinate and fuck everything up which makes me even more emotional because i cant stand when things are fucked up at my fault. how does one claim both personalities? im not quite sure but somehow i can...

ultimately...i am terrified of trying to be who i want to be for fear of failure...