im not bulimic and i dont need to be scared into not purging

i went downstairs for something, i cant remember what, but i saw franklin and just had to go play for a bit ^__^ well, boyfriends mom was down there fixing and cleaning things
"now's check in time."
i knew what that meant and i was a litto happy she remembered and cared enough to see how im doing. but then came the rest of it...
i sat on the carpet, her on the couch.
"hows the eating going?"
"its ok."
"'ok'? what does that mean?" it seemed like she instantly thought that meant i purged or something, which i havent done since i had started ABC.
".....i dont like it." i smile, not because im happy, but because its what i do when im uncomfortable or awkward.
"why?"
"its disgusting.." she cut me off though so i dont think she heard that.
"i dont trust you and ill tell you bluntly, i will lock the doors to the bathroom if i have to...do i have to?"
i shook my head "no, i dont do that." im not bulimic, i only purge when i need to. i dont have anything against bulimics, its just i hate how when a person hears that you voluntarily throw up, they think "bulimic", and when your skinny and say your not hungry they tease that your anorexic.
"i told you about my stomach surgery but i didnt tell the whole story, they took my stomach out. it ruptured out my back and it was the most painful thing i have ever gone through. i wanted them to kill me."
she told me how she saw her dad through the window because they wouldnt let him in and she started screaming to him to kill her because she was in so much pain.
boyfriend came downstairs about now as she proceeded to tell me im "not fat", i "will never be fat", i "dont have an ounce of fat on [me] and never will." and told me again that she will lock all the doors if she must, including the front and back doors. hell, lock the ice box and all the cabinet doors too please. ha, i wish!
i didnt say much of anything, just nervous awkward smiles and nods. she said
"i promised your mom id look after you. your like a daughter to me...you just met the love of your life..."
i giggled cuz she made a face and rolled her eyes. she doesnt like the mushy crap.
"ya id laugh too!.....[boyfriend] has a job now, he can buy you things. what more could you want?" im not exactly sure if she asked what more i could want or asked me arent i happy or something else haha i cant remember. i want to be thin and be ok with what i see.

all that wasnt so bad, just extremely awkward because she doesnt strike me as a conversationalist. well, she is, just not for me or people like me. with me, people dont understand that i dont talk, i cant talk, its not my nature. they tend to poke and prod, dig and ask, ask and re-ask and basically beg, all while not realizing that im not a talker unless i know you. and i dont know anybody well enough beside my mom sometimes (rarely and if we talk, its not as deep) and boyfriend; he doesnt have to push very hard before i speak because i feel comfortable with him and i trust him. i think people would like to think they know me well enough for me to feel free to tell them anything. more often than not, it offends them or makes them feel left out that i dont say things and that they have to push so hard only to get a mere glimpse.

the part about our "check in" that sucked was being told im not fat and never will be. its not all about being fat or skinny; thats part of it, but not all of it. its the part that seems to be homed in on. for some reason they forget about the control, disgust and self hate. that we dont only avoid eating huge calories because we dont wat to gain, but because its disgusting, its weakness and its against the rules.
then the worst part,
"i want to see you gain 5lbs in the next week."
i nearly burst into tears! i could have flooded the room had i needed to speak! im glad she accepted my body gestures and didnt require my voice. i didnt nod -because im not going to do it!- i just smiled awkwardly and put my head down into my knees in hopes to gain focus and avoid tears. i just wanted out of there. im glad the pillow she had drying on the chair blocked boyfriends view of my face. she told me not to give her the guilt look which i didnt mean to but i gess she could see that i was upset. she told me to always find the bright side of things and i do. i try to.

the bright side of recovery is that i still have my boyfriend, i wont get headaches nearly as much and i wont be weak and tired all the time. but...in my head i cant get over the fact that im fat and always will be and im now stuck this way, i have to eat horrible large calories daily and i feel like ive given in to food. i will get better in the physical sense: a "healthy" weight and no symptoms, but i will never be mentally healthy/happy.

as i said, im not gaining those 5lbs. i dont care, im not doing it. i dont have to gain weight to be healthy. before she knew of my eating habits she, nor anybody else, thought i needed 5lbs. i looked fine. but when she finds out, suddenly i look too skinny. even though she hasnt had the opportunity to see my weight loss like boyfriend has and even though ive gained enough to be chubby again, i look too skinny? i look like i need 5lbs? i dont have to gain weight, and im not gaining weight. if i gain weight i wont be able to even keep ana at a whisper much less make her disappear like im trying to! so no, im not gaining weight, ive gained enough and its already making me sick and disgusted. i cried again last night with boyfriend next to me, i hate doing that because i feel stupid crying because im fat, but its just so disgusting...

i hate, absolutely HATE my intake today!!! *sigh* im trying so hard to accept it. it hurts so much. when i feel im about to break down and cry, i do crunches or squats until i cant anymore. sometimes when im done i cant help feeling my tummy for any change. of course there never is and it makes me want to cry again. even if i had just done a ton of crunches, it does something to me when i still feel all the fat, it gives me a sort of energy boost to do a ton more because i dont want to cry and i dont want to feel the fat. i have to select a day out of the week when i can eat those 300+ cal meals because i cant take this, it isnt me. i try to ignore the urge to add up the cals during the day but i couldnt today. i added it up and saw how high it was so i skipped the last snack of the day. i think im going to take out one snack or meal from now on.

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat, blueberry tea: 100cal 3:30p
snack- blueberry muffin flavor Jello- brand pudding: 110cal 5:30p
meal- 1 nikuman: 310cal 8:30p
snack- blueberry muffin flavor Jell-o brand pudding: 110cal 10:00p
meal- 1 Healthy Choice sweet sour chicken: 380cal 2:00a

1010cal total :/