love means sacrifice, decisions, putting him/her before yourself

"Never, never underestimate the power of desire. If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live?" - Marya Hornbacher

"It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger." - Marya Hornbacher

"There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore." - Laurie Halse Anderson

boy do i want that mirror!

it really sounds twisted, but ive hated ana all the time while also loving her wholly. i love the bittersweet control that i lack in every other aspect of my life. yes i excell in school, yes i am a perfectionist so most of what i do is perfect, or at least to others it is, and yes i choose when to shower, when to sleep, when to read, draw, write, play; but that sort of control is just the normal living of life. i love ana because she helps my mind to be as close to peace as it has known, she makes me a little more confident, a little more beautiful, a little more happy with my reflection each day. i have never admitted before, not even really to myself; but there is one more, unspoken, reason why i love ana so much.

you know, at 94lbs when my ribsspinehipscollarbone showed the most it ever has, i got a glimpse of a sort of, truce, with the girl i frown at in the mirror. i started to take quite a bit of pictures of myself (i dont like when the camera was pointed in my direction), and i started to tie up my shirts on the side to show my new flat tummy and i wore half shirts and i was able to walk around and not fidget, pull down my shirt or constantly un-tie/re-tie my shirt like i do on a day when im feeling fat/gross. ya i still did those things every-so-often and of course i still held in my stomach (hey, every milimeter counts right!). it took 3 days to take that away from me. im back to trying to be confident but when i try thats when the fidgeting and stuf happens because im really not. i hope that eating healthy and starting up exercising again will give me back that confidence and flatten my tummy as much as it can be flattened with the weight gain.

anyway, i have never really said it, but in a way, to me, it is like a form of killing myself though i dont really want to dye. i just want to be punished. i dont know what for or what i have done. perhaps just exsisting is what i need punishment for. i punish myself in so many different ways i have lost count. but denying my body what it needs to live, only providing enough to keep me going another day to prolong the discomfort is one way. you cant deny that ana is painful/depressing/difficult/stressful; ana hurts. slowly killing myself, torturing myself until the very end when i finally disappear into dust and bones. i wrote that once in a notebook of mine but ive never said it or mentioned it otherwise. i remember thinking "at least i will feel beauty, happiness and be pure while i suffer and before i die."

ive always hated myself and have never been fully and entirely happy. when i was little, 5 maybe 6yrs old, when i closed my eyes, id see me in a big dark room. well it wasnt really a room, it was a vast never ending blackness and i was always alone in it. it was always pitch-black but you could still see me, but only see me. when ever i saw that or imagined that, the questions would always come up, "why am i here? what am i for?" i never understood that uselessness and worthlessness and how alone i felt and i still dont till this day. its odd thinking that such a young child could have such deep thoughts, but i did. i always felt un-needed for some reason and it probably added to my misfortune with so-called best friends/friends. the friends i considered close were the type of friends to invite me to bowling and say "lets combine our money so we can get more fries." and in the end i was too stupid to realize they used my money to pay and split the change because they always, always had left over money and left me broke. id ask how it happened and they would give me some fucking lie about how it was used and thats why the left over money was theirs. dunno how a person could be so dumb as to not see it but there i was.

buuut anyway! XD im going to be more healthy and natural now =) i really love nature and being natural. birds, flowers, trees, grass, sun, sky all of it! i have started studying the language of the plants and flowers, hanakotoba and tea leaf reading. i dont worship plants or nature but i love and appreciate it quite a bit =) something about the calm it brings and it certainly brings alot of beauty into the world. ive always been a natural person and preferred to stay as chemical and grease free as i can. i like to keep my immune system as healthy as possible. now that my...focus...isnt...losing...wow thats so weird and im totally in denial still. thats been like the purpose of my life...OMGOSH ive lost my purpose.........but anywho, moving on from the depressing. im going to stick to health foods as much as possible. id say completely but that will come when i start making money. bring on the campbell's select harvest, oatmeal, cream of wheat, yogurt, granola, lettuce, salmon, tuna, rice, fuits and veggies! i wont feel as guilty if im eating healthy. it really is horrible, lately ive been eating just to eat. im not even hungry, but i eat. actually im usually quite full and yet, i eat! this really has to stop! i ate at 4a the other day and woke at 12p but didnt even feel a bit hungry until 6:30p! i partially forgot to eat until my tummy reminded me, with its teenie litto growls, because i was so engrossed in my plant research and a poem i was writing and partially because i wanted to see how long before my body (not my mind or taste buds) wanted food again. i wanted to see how long my body would be sustained/satisfied with how much i ate and isnt that sad/horrible? it took me 14.5hrs before my body was hungry again, i ate enough for 14.5hrs! and my tummy growling was minimal at that, not even enough for me to say im hungry. well, its going to stop. im going to doing what my doctor suggested to me when she had told me to diet:
3 healthy fist size meals a day and 3 healthy snacks a day, sticking to the amount that equals to one serving for what ever it is im snacking on.

we're going grocery shopping tomorrow and boyfriend gave me a post-it and asked me to make a list of anything i can think of that i want when we go. haha me and lists are quite bad! my list turned out to be too big for a simple post-it and i needed a paper XD when i gave it to him he said
"wow! i give you a post-it and you come back with a book!"
i gave a shy giggle "i know. im a list maker.." i smile "but i marked the ones i want most. you said anything i think of so i did; so i can keep track and we can get it next time or when i get money."
it was all the things i could think of that i want: dunno why it came out blurry :P

my periods all screwed up, i spotted several days ago and a litto the next day but then it disappeared altogether. i dont know if it was the stress, high emotions, shock of food, previous lack of food or what but i wish it would hurry up and just get here! :P i hate having to wait, it always conveniently gets me when i have no tampons handy or while im asleep. me and boyfriend have a date planned for a night after my period has finally come and gone. we're going to walk down to the train track and take a walk along it and hehe fuck on it XD hope we dont get run over! XD im going to take my camera, its going to be a tad bit creepy because there are trees/forest/woods on both sides of the track and big trees at night scare me. i appreciate nature but big dark trees at night still scares me! XD i always feel like something is in the trees going to get me or that they will reach down and grab me; i know better but i cant help it. its just one of those nonsense fears ive never gotten over since childhood. theyre just so big and...dark...and.....omynous... O.o but im super excited!!! im hoping to take some photos and maybe catch a spirit orb! that would be fantastic! i want to take a pic of him in the middle of the tracks and ill ask him to take me as well. if theres a conveniently placed mound of bricks (they have them stacked along the track for some reason) or a train not in use ill put the camera on timer and take both of us kissing in the night ^__^ and perhaps if im extremely lucky a spirit will join us in the photo!