id say girl dont you have enough? you are completely backed up on books and yet you order more!

ok, to begin my post i shall like to calmy, quietly, level-headedly say how. can. they?! GRRR!! how can bryan elsley and jamie brittain be so cruel as to end the 4th season of skins that way?! seriously it is not fair! XD now im going to be wanting to know the rest! gess ill just have to wait until the film next year...if they even finish it up :P (they start filming in september yay!!!) they might not because the ended season 2 with a bit of mystery making you wonder if cassie got back with sid. i mean, i wondered did they argue? did she dump him? what happened?! but i suppose they want us to imagine that for ourselves. going with that, i imagine sid talked to her, told her he loves her and wants her to come home. she cried because he really must love her to fly out there for her like he did, she kissed him and they both left for a fancy hotel until they got a flight back home ^__^

well, things are i little quieter today. boyfriends mom knocked on the door while he was at work and apologized for yelling at me and bringing me into it when i had nothing to do and it wasnt my fault. im glad she doesnt think i did anything or covered up for boyfriend because i was completely in the dark on this one! she is thinking he is into drugs because he goes through phases each month for about a week where he will nodd off, halucinate and do weird things. i wondered and asked if it was because of the vicodin or that pill he takes that is like xanax. he told me its because of his insomnia; lack of sleep. i really dont know what its from. his mom said he needs help. he says he's fine. his mom says not to believe him. i really dont know. i dont think he would lie to me and im trusting that he's right. i think its a mix of insomnia, medication and im scared theres a possibility of something worse thats happening/wrong...im worried and i admit a bit scared. i tend to ignore things and shove them to the back of my head. thats how i deal with things if im not cutting. (thankyu Lorna for being so caring ^__^ dont worry, i wont hurt myself hun. swore off it since the fight last year.) so i feel ok and im not so scared when he is himself. but that one week each month when he isnt, its really...i dunno...how should i put it...worrysome, fearful? i gess that fits. i feel the need to protect him, watch over him and follow him everywhere. he understands and usually lets me; though he doesnt particularly like it, no one like someone following them around keeping track of what they do. we have tiny arguments during those times every month because i turn into the "hen-pecking" girlfriend ^//^ but i cant help it, he is the love of my life, cheesey though it may sound, and i coulndt bare if i listened to him, let him go, and something happened to him. especially knowing i could have prevented it! so yes, i am the girlfriend with the watchful protecting eye XD

sorry to throw the sad in here but i would have been at 502cal today had i not eaten the ice cream. i planned it all out today and planned to also eat a special k bar sometime after the ice cream, i almost didnt. while i was waiting for the dogs to come back in i ate a little of boyfriends ice cream and then took out an ice cream sandwich. stood there staring at it on the counter debating on whether or not i should eat it. i heard it "be weak and eat it? or have control and dont?" it wasnt me...wasnt my thought...I didnt think it...some days its worse than others. i countered it this time "give in to ana? or stay strong to love?" i knew for myself that 502 was too low, too far away from my 800 per day. but after i said that, i couldnt stop going back and forth! which one is real? it can go both ways! : strength is not to eat, strength is to eat; give in to food? give in to ana?; control is putting it back, control is eating it. so i fucked it and put the dam thing away! i cant do it yet, its too much too fast and i just cant do it yet! i dont know whats up and whats down, whats right and whats wrong. sometimes i want to curl up in boyfriends lap and ask him to hold me tight and kiss my head and tell me itll be ok. tell me ill be ok. but i feel like such an idiot to do that XD i ate the special k bar instead of both. got my cals up but its healthier, i can handle it better and i know i have to do it. i love him.

ive been reading "Crash Into Me", its really good! but when i look at the book mark, for some reason it seems to have stain (spelling anyone?) in the same spot for 4 days! :P ive also just gotten "Empress of the World" and "before i fall". oh goodness not to mention i also havent finished "The Passion of Alice" that i borrowed a month ago or all the books that i bought in the past several months: "The Listening House", "Bad Girls Never Die", "Ghost Light", and "Socrates In Love". haha what can i say! my eyes and mind want more than they can read! you should see my Goodreads book shelf! O.o

meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 4:55p
snack- 1 Danon light& fit strawberry yogurt: 80cal 7:00p
meal- 1c spinach, 1 slice deli turkey, ½c green beans, 1tbsp mozarella: 112cal 11:15p
meal- 1c stir fry, a bit of extras for flavor: 50cal 1:30a
snack- ¼c ice cream, 1 Special K strawberry bar: 225cal 2:30a

727cal total