getting back lost control and new books!

dam it was sooo hard not to swallow that hot dog! i had to keep telling/reminding myself, tasting it is what you want. tasting is good enough. not swallowing, do not swallow. have control. youll get to eat soup in just a minute..." xxx wanted me to eat one and he was upstairs in the room so i took the opportunity to chew/spit the hot dog into the cling wrap i had over my left over soup while i waited for the soup to heat up. i was just finishing spitting the last bite out when i heard him coming down the stairs O.o i was planning on throwing a napkin in there or something to disguise it cuz its clear! but i didnt have time. i just spit, wrapped and dumped! it was so gross cuz i had to kinda dig my hand in there and stuf it in among the other trash. i took my soup out but i was paranoid so i threw some crumpled up toilet paper over it after pretending i got soup on my finger. then i took my soup upstairs and grabbed one of xxx's empty gatorade bottles and stuffed it in there too. then of course i HAD to wash my hands!!! im still paranoid that itll be found O.o

yay! i got 2 of the 4 books i ordered! :D i read the prologues from each book and i like them both!
The Passion Of Alice (haha "alice")
Skinny

aaand im a little nervous. my period is currently missing O.o it usually comes by the 16 and here it is the 25. i know im not pregnant because we've been using condoms since i missed a month. it just messed up our nerves so its been condoms since may so i know im not pregnant...i dont think...well there was that once we didnt use it for the beginning half but i still dont think im pregnant. what im nervous about is that xxx said "one more missed period and your going to the doctor." ive never been to a gyno and im super freaked about it! not kidding im seriously terrified! i dont like the idea of a stranger ive never met (ha, obviously) putting foreign metal objects in my pussy! excuse the language XD i told xxx that if i have to go it HAS TO/MUST be a girl/lady. NO guys! i already have a fear of men i dont need or want one looking/touching me beside my boyfriend! especially since i need my parts down there i dont want a dum ass guy hurting me down there. its a fact that guys are more rough than women. not to mention its a job to them so he'll probably be alot less gentle and patient than he was in the beginning of his career. xxx said, no he PROMISED he'd come in with me and hold my hand which makes me feel a little better. im also nervous because i have scars on my thighs and i dont want to talk about it; do you still do it? how long ago? did you see a therapist? do you still go? why not? etc., etc... also, they cant find out anything about my eating/purging from down there can they?? ug, im so nervous...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 3:10p
chew/spit 1 hot dog: 320cal 10:25p
1c Campbell's Select Harvest Light Italian-Style vegetable soup: 50cal 10:25p
1/4c Healthy Lifestyle chocolate ice cream: 45.5cal 12:30a

398.5cal under
101.5cal eaten