☐1 celery and a tsp brie: 51cal
☐10 baby carrots: 20cal w/1 tsp dressing: 16cal
☐1/4c orange sorbet (only if i can follow the previous food assignments because the sorbet is a reward): 30cal
☑whatever i have to eat for dinner if i cant get out of it
☑
woke up, changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and showered (i didnt get to shower last night, ug gross!) then i ate my 2 zestas as planned.
my brother texts me and tells me "grandma said that if they dont let you do things then let it go and if they need help shoot for it." im reading that and im thinking what the hell?! why the fuck does my grandma know about that?! i told my mom (mistake) about how im treated here, that im not allowed to do certain things because ill "kill myself", "break my neck", "its dangerous" etc, etc, etc and now im finding out my grandma knows about this?! i gess i cant tell my mom anything. unless i specifically say "dont. tell. grandma...or anyone else." now im wondering if my grandma knows about what happened the other day. so what, am i gonna get another text saying "grandma said you need to stop being stupid and hurting yourself when you screw up and make people mad cuz hating yourself is stupid." why do people love gossip so dam much?! is there no one i can confide in beside my boyfriend? i mean, its not that i dont appreciate him but theres certain things i cant tell him and it would be really nice to have at least 2 friends (xxx being one of them) to tell things to without worrying its gonna get out somehow.
that reminds me, yesterday me and xxx were having a casual conversation and he told me the next time i punch and bruise my leg like that, im gonna be in big trouble. i asked why and he told me because i was "being a baby" and "having a tantrum", i did it "cuz i got a littttle mad at you" -__- (it wasnt a littttle mad, he was mad and frustrated) he said hell be mad the next time i do it. i told him thats not why i did it. he asked why, i told him it was because i was mad at me and i hated me for screwing up so i punished myself. he still said i was being a baby. i said "parents slap kids when they screw up, its the same thing."
he said "parents slap 'babies'."
he said "parents slap 'babies'."
"and kids and teens..."
"both of which, you arent..." (good point, but still)
".....youre just saying that to make me feel dum so i dont do it again..."
"baby..."
and that was the end of that. i didnt say this, but i get so angry at myself and hate myself sometimes and i almost uncontrollably/desperately need to hurt myself and make myself have a big ugly shameful bruise or cut so i think harder and screw up less. and the pain from doing it helps me clear my mind and makes me calm again. its not so bad now though. ive weined myself off of cutting, because i was forced to it hurt him to see it, by making bruises or sticking needles in my arms/wrists so now theres no lasting marks. i used to tell him i wish he understood but hell swear he does because he used to cut his arms, which, in my mind, brings me back to my last point, he's just saying all those things because he doesnt want me to do it. but it would be nice to feel understood instead of criticized and be called a baby. my feelings were hurt but i didnt let it show. i know he cares about me. i wanted to tell him "at least im not cutting anymore. at least a bruise isnt permanent. would you rather i go back to cutting? it feels alot more satisfying for me and i can clear my mind better. you already took away the thing that helped me the most, cant you just accept that im trying?!" but i couldnt say that. those are words of anger linked to blurred thoughts of hurt. it wasnt the time or place for it and we were just having a casual convo. i didnt want to turn it into something.
on the way home from the market he told me he took me there cuz he knew i was sad. i told him i miss home and ive been a little off lately. that i feel on edge to be perfect. and since i screwed up once and made him mad, it puts me on edge even more so and makes me nervous and causes me to try focus my brain 1000x more on not screwing up. then my mind stresses on that one thing so much so that i become distant and my mind gets blank and forgetful and i screw up even more. theres just so much pressure for me to be as perfect as i can and not screw up that when i do screw up, it takes me a while for my mind to fix. he didnt say anything so i dont know how he feels or what he thinks about it or am i just being a baby to him.
skipped everything and headed to dinner. i found out dinner is hot dogs which are 330cal each.
sometimes i find myself feeling so desperate for all the things im used to that i just wanna stay in bed all day and cry. sometimes when we're driving and i look around i get so desperate to see the open land, the trees im used to, and most of all the flat, open, blue ocean, that i feel like im gonna have a panic attack. those are the times i look away from the world. i focus on my breathing, the sounds of the car, the warmth of the sun, anything to keep me from losing it.
i almost lost it today in the car. i felt a tear drip down my face. i was thinking about how xxx said he could never live the rest of his life on oahu (my home), how he said he felt claustrophobic while we were there because you can drive around my island in 3hrs or so. i thought about how i realized i could never be happy or call any place home besides my home. how ill never feel comfortable anywhere else. i felt so sad thinking of what we're gonna do. hes not happy there, im not happy here...whats gonna happen? did i make another screw up choice by coming here? no because i love him, i came here to meet him and to be with him, that is no mistake...but i came here to meet him and be with him, not to live my life here...theres no way i can do that. then i got panicky because i remembered how he said that he cant move away from here until his mom dies (she's sick), and a few days ago he said he thinks shell live for a couple years more at least. i started feeling desperate because i CANT be here for that much longer!!! i cant!!! i dont know, i have to talk to him soon, i have to. im just scared. im not used to telling people about things that hurt me inside... today is crap!
i ate a bite of hot dog, gave the rest to the dog, xxx came back i said i didnt like it. was excused to eat ramen instead.
ive been cleaning, organizing, shifting, hanging, sorting today =) our new room is coming together quite well! i took a step into the right or wrong direction depending on how you look at it, i have a box to live partially out of now instead of just my suitcase ^__^ it kinda sucks cuz that makes it feel even more like im living here but its good cuz its such a headache to always have to go the the suitcase every morning and get out my clothes! we dont have a dresser so he has his clothes in a pair of laundry basketts and now i have my box under the shelf like a drawer. id put them on top the shelf but it looks weird since its only one shelf about a foot above the floor and about 5 1/2 ft long. and i put up some posters =) im going to make a folder in my flash drive for art photos, thinspo and what not to go in my "alice corner" :D xxx said i could take the corner of the room and make a collage of art and pictures and stuf on the wall! so awesome! im excited!
ate some sorbet. its sooo hot and it has much lower cal numbers than ice cream, so thats my treat for staying under 300 today =)
i just did some more cleaning and found a handful of panties i had bought from charlotte russe, which is my favorite store by the way =) but the day i bought them i went home and washed them and they shrank -__- so i never got to wear them...welll GESS WHAT?!!! they fucking fit now!!! im so happy! ive been worried im not losing any weight because i dont have a scale right now :/ but this tells me im at least doing ok with it =) its been kinda stressing me out that i dont know what my weight is so ive been extra freaked out and purging and killing myself over more than 200cal for any meal. im not gonna let this tell me i can slack cuz theres no way i can, im still a fat ass but a tiny fraction not so much. im gessitmating im around 103, 104lbs now ^//^ i wont dare say 100! :P but yay! i get to end the day with some good news finally!
2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal
1 bite hot dog: 40.5cal 10:30p
1/4 ramen w/sesame oil: 37.5cal 10:35p
7 baby carrots: 14cal 10:40p
1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 1:15a
824cal under
176cal eaten
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