they say what you dream is your brain's metaphorical message of the things that bother you or that happen in your waking life...i believe it!

i have dreams every dam night about food, about purging, about avoiding eating, about binging, about being mad at myself for eating, about being caught purging, about binging and not being able to get away to purge, etc, etc. uggg its so annoying! sometimes i wake up not knowing how to act because it feels so real and im not sure if i was caught or not.

i took a nap this afternoon because i was sooo tired. i dreamed that i had a massive binge and i had food all over me and every bite i took i could feel and see the fat sliding through and stretching my skin like big fat worms. i was literally watching myself get fat. every bite i took i gained a pound O.o and after i finished my binge i kept growing because my body was absorbing what i had taken in. i could feel the "fat worms" wiggling around trying to find room under my skin for a permanent home. i couldnt let that happen! i had to rush to the toilet to throw it all up so id stop gaining weight. i ran to the sink to wash my hands as fast as i could so i could put up my hair. i had food all on my hands. they were greasy, frosting-filled, oil-coated, gravy-smothered, syrup-sticky, every-gross-spillable-food-you-could-imagine fat hands. i couldnt grab the bar of soap, it kept slipping out of my hands. after i finally got my hands clean, i had to put up my hair. but my hair kept coming out of the rubber band! i said "FUCK IT! im gaining too fast!" and ran to the toilet at top speed. it was a public restroom and it was sooo gross! my thighs slid down the porcelain as i kneeled because it was one of the impossibly small stalls but i had to hurry so i didnt care! i just purged my guts out. it was the same as when i was binging, i felt all the "fat worms" slide and wiggle between my bones and my skin. they went up my legs, up my arms; to my stomach, then to my chest; up my throat and out my mouth. i was like waterfall for smooshed, chewed, baby food-looking, watery, undigested food. it was so disgusting! it got in my hair and all over the place. it filled and over-flowed the toilet and got all over my clothes! it flowed onto the floor of the stall next to me and all out by the sink and the door. it was so weird and gross and just disgusting! after i purged i looked like me again, how i look now. not extremely fat but not thin either, just 105lb me...but with vomit all over my hands, all in my hair, on my face, all over the floor and my feet, ug. i woke up feeling so gross...