ug, i hate myself! i tried to give the dogs more than half of my sandwich but they make a noise every time they grab food from my hand :/ makes it kinda hard to "sneak" and feed them all my food when they basically tell him how much theyre eating. then that started me on another binge! im glad it was a cracker binge! id be crying my eyes out if it was some greasy, fatty, oily forbidden something! im so disappointed in myself :( i cant believe i had TWO fucking binges in one dam day! im gonna make up for it tomorrow for sure! tomorrow is a sorbet day!
i took a shower tonight =) finally! i end the annoying cycle of missing a shower one night, bathe in the morning, feel gross toward the end of the day, miss another shower cuz im already tired and lazy and cycle continues. so! i showered tonight and im not missing one tomorrow night! i made the mistake of showering in hot water even though i know cold burns calories, even though i know ive been weak, even though i know ive been tired, even though i know that post-purge makes me shaky, even though i know i have bad heat sensitivity, i took a hot shower...and fell -__- xxx came and knocked on the door to see if i was alright and im glad the door is locked because i leave the throw-up in the toilet so its less suspicious. its kinda suspicious to hear the shower water running and hear a flush. ive already been questioned before by my mother and uncle, i dont want to be questioned from my boyfriend. to prevent even being suspected, i either:
1) flush with the shower already on (i hardly do it because there is no evidence as in my second choice)- prepared excuse (always be prepared, i say): "i was letting the water get warm and peed while i was waiting."
2) flush after shower- prepared excuse: i dont like to pee in the shower. its gross feeling your pee run down your legs :P
step 1: when i plan on flushing after i shower, i make sure i put a layer of toilet paper over it all and bunch some up and throw it in there to make it look a little messy, less like im hiding something. im scared that somehow i actually didnt lock the door and someone will come in to use the bathroom. they most likely wont watch it while its flushing since it looks like #2 but at least the initial glance is taken care of.
step 2: before i turn off the shower i drink in a mouthful of water and keep it in my mouth while i get dressed. then i drip it into the toilet so it sounds like im peeing. i figure im less likely to be suspected of anything if theres sound evidence =)
im so tired today, it sucks. i keep getting light headed when i stand up and things get black for a few seconds. sometimes i have to sit back down and breathe and try again to stand up. but i try my hardest to pretend im fine, i dont want another trip to any dr, er, any sort of medical person :P
i hope i have a babysitting job starting on the 12 this week! =) that would be awesome! then i can finally get myself a scale! i need one bad! but that lady was supposed to call me this past saturday to arrange a meet but she didnt call. i let it go because she is very busy but maybe to show responsibility/eagerness, i should have -__- fuck up number 1,007 for alice. im going to call her tomorrow to make sure im still babysitting on the 12.
and speaking of not calling me, the fucking hospital never got back to me about my blood test. i knew that stupid ass didnt get enough blood. you watch, im gonna call tomorrow and theyre gonna to tell me i need to come down for another blood test, fuuuck. i better get someone good this time and im going to say something if they do it the wrong way.
1 stalk celery: 6cal 2:00p
1 tsp dressing: 16cal 2:00p
1 yokan: 170cal 5:10p
binge 1/2 bag onion ring chips: 1449cal 7:25p (purge 7:30p)
1/2 pre made grocery store sandwich: 155cal 10:40p (purge 10:50p)
3 Honey Maid graham crackers: 90cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)
2 gummy bears: 22cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)
1 Triscuit: 20cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)
928cal over
1928cal eaten...IDIOT!!!
1736-10%= 1562.4cal purge
365.6cal net total
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thoughts and replys? ^__^