my days away from blogger and my new helpful reminder

June 17

1 stalk celery: 6cal 4:45p
1tsp dressing: 16cal 4:45p
1/2 hot dog: 100cal 10:48p
1/2 hot dog bun: 60cal 10:48p
mustard: 0cal 10:48p
1/4c sorbet: 60cal 12:55a
3 Triscuit: 60cal 12:55a
3/4 slice cheese: 15cal 12:55a

683cal under
317cal eaten

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June 18

we were having anniversary sex foreplay and when he went to go make sure the door was locked, he stopped and looked at me while i was laying there and said
"wow, your diaphram bone looks nice."
"diaphram bone??"
"ya your..." he started motioning on his body then switched to drawing it in the air while pointing at me.
"oh...my ribs?"
"ya, the ones on the bottom are really defined...they accentuate your breasts. they look good."
"oh, haha thanks!" casual smile like its no big deal. but really im super happy and jumping up and down on the inside! he noticed and he likes it! :D

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 5:10p
1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 9:15p
chew/spit 1 baked potato w/mozzarella and cinnamon butter 11:00p
chew/spit 1 1/2 baby carrots w/ 1 1/2tsp Alouette brie 11:00p
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 5:00a

916cal under
84cal eaten

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June 19

coincidentally xxx's mom took me with her to kmart and talked to me on the way there and the way home. she told me that everyone is worried about him. she asked me if i knew what she was talking about and i told her i did. she wanted me to say it but i just told her i didnt want to and played it as if i was uncomfortable because of my past, which it partcially is. i didnt know if she knew he sniffed it or not, good thing i didnt say it, she doesnt know. she just knows that he takes more than he should and its hurting him. she told me i need to talk to him. she said she knows, his brother knows and her ex knows but he thinks nobody knows and if i talked to him about it, he'd stop because he doesnt want to lose me...i hope she's right.

on the bright side i drew this on my hand so that i see it when i reach for food thats too high in calories or when i start thinking too much about food. i just told xxx its my favorite number ^__^ the ribbon "tied" around my finger is of course to remember. so the hidden message behind this hand is "remember, 80lbs. is your goal" =)

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June 19 day 1 2468 (partial fail)

early this morning i talked to xxx about his pills. i didnt get to ask him to cut down. i just told him im worried about him and he insists that theres nothing to worry about. later that night he got bad again with his sleepy episode. it comes and goes; in one episode he has brief moments of 15-30min where he seems normal, like my boyfriend again. during an in between moment last night he said he's kinda scared because he doesnt know why he gets like that and he thinks something is wrong with him. he asked me if i think he should see a doctor! he really doesnt know that the vicodin is whats making him act like this. i asked him a little later,
"you really dont know why you get like this??"
"no...do you?"
"ya..."
"what?"
".................its the vicodin."
"no, its not."
"yes it is."
"but ive been doing it for years babe."
"yes i know but the more you add on the more enhanced the problems become."
"no..."
"yes, the sleepiness, the itching, the insomnia, not being able to pee..."
he fell asleep by then. i knew i shouldnt have talked to him yet but i needed to get it out. he doesnt even remember :(

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 4:22p
1/3 spaghetti: 170cal 9:00p
less than 1 slice garlic bread: 18cal 9:oop
binge 2/3 spaghetti 430cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)
4 slices garlic bread: 200cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)

170cal under
830cal eaten
630-10%= 567cal purge
263cal net total

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day 2 2468 June 20 (success!)

he's a little better today, the moments where he's my boyfriend again was most of the day so thats good. he seems to be coming out of it. since i know he'll remember, i had another talk with him and got up the courage to ask him to cut down.

"just half a pill? please?"

"......."

"you dont have to do it fast. you can take a year...or more..if you have to."

"..." small cute smile.

"you dont have to stop, i just want you back to the normal dosage..."

"....."

"half a pill?..."

"....."

"you can even cut down a fourth pill!" cute smile to let him know im not mad and theres nothing to be ashamed about.

"..." small smile and teenie laugh "they dont come in fourth pills babe..."

"haha i know that! but you can cut it...cut down a half pill every month, or every other month, until your back to normal...please? for me?"

"ohhhh..." roll over on the bed facing away from me.

".....how many pills do you take every day?"

"...depends..."

"............on the average?..."

"....."

"10?" i know its at least 7 because i counted 7 in there when i checked and it was gone the very next time i went to the bathroom.

".......its harrrd..."

"love i know its hard, but..."

"uggg..." he rolls over and sits on the edge of the bed.

"i thought you said i could talk to you about this kinda stuff?"

".....i thought i could but i cant..." he gets up and goes to the window and lights a cigarette. "i know you think its the vicodin, but its not. ive been taking it for years, theres no high anymore and ya i get itchy from it sometimes but it doesnt affect my pee or my sleepy or anything else..."

"well then what is it?" i get up and go to him. "i dont see you as my dad, i never have and you dont have to worry about that."

"well you might."

"i wont."

"you dont know that...you might if you knew."

"what do you mean?..."

"......."

"ok, we can stop and talk more later."

he goes to throw his cigarette but in the trash.

"...are you hiding something from me??"

"kinda.....maybe ill write it to you..."

"ok..."

im scared and worried for what it is but he knows what will make me leave and i dont think its much worse than vicodin addiction/overdose. as long as he doesnt hit me, yell at me, throw things at me or near me in anger, cheat on me, drink or do drugs, im fine. i realize vicodin addiction/overdose is, in fact, doing drugs in a legalized manor. but i love him and as long as he can show me that he's trying to help himself with it, ill be ok.

last week he asked me

"if i had bad or severe glaucoma or cancer and they prescribed marrijuna, what would you do?"

"...im sorry love, but id have to say bye..."

"really??"

"yaaa..."

"wowww."

"i told you and you know i have very little tolerence for it."

i still have that drawing on my hand, ive been re-doing it when the shower water/soap makes it come off. it helps alot =)

2 bites chocolate ice cream: 15cal 7:13a
3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 4:50p
1 hot dog: 240cal 9:10p
few pieces of potato with a little cheese: 35cal 11:40p

600cal under
400cal eaten