Alina Krasina (Russian model)i talked to xxx last night. i told him i miss home and that im worried about us, about what we're going to do because neither of us are happy living in the other one's home. i told him im not that sad and its not that big a deal but ive just been thinking (kind of a lie but i dont want to cause anything). he apologized that im sad and i told him its ok. he didnt really say much except that he doesnt know what to do, and i dont either. he said itll take at least $5,000 for us to move back to where im from and he doesnt want to live with my mom. ha, i agree on that one! i dont need the constant nagging and watching and nervous fear of being found out by people who questioned me before and who know my "i-used-to-throw-up-after-i-ate-a-long-time-ago-just-to-lose-that-extra-weight-but-i-stopped" lie. not to mention my little brother is quite hard to be around 24/7, im all ready tired all day everyday i dont need that to change to being exhausted and grouchy everyday. and the thing i dont understand about him is that no matter what my secrets are, he happens to find them out whether through snooping and prying or by accident or just by sensing it, hell find it out! he's one scary intuitive kid! O.o but anyway, back to what i was talking about before i off-railed into how it would be living at home again; i told xxx no matter what happens, even if i have to be sad, im not leaving him. i wanted to reassure him that im not considering that option, because its just not an option for me. im not going to lose another person in my life that i love and care for deeply, its just not happening again and thats all there is to it! he said he wont have that, me being sad for him. but i told him that it doesnt matter. we kinda ended the conversation silently and fell asleep.
it started raining and thundering this morning and there were young girls outside in their bathing suits playing in the rain =) i love to do that!...except for the fact that i get so self conscious about how fat i look :P but i love playing in the rain! i used to tell xxx about playing in the rain with my brother so today he felt bad for me. i was watching the girls play, non-creepy like :P but just thinking about how fun it is and he came behind me and apologized. i asked for what and he said because its just one more thing to make me miss home. i turned around, slid into the chair i was kneeling on and told him "im not sad. the sadness comes every-so-often but im not sad right now. im fine. i miss home but theres some times when i miss it more than others and those are the times i get sad." he didnt say anything. probably because he didnt know what to say.
im sooo tired and dizzy today, i almost fell down when i stood up after purging O.o i mostly dazed my way back to the room. xxx isnt home right now, he took his mom to the hospital. he doesnt think she has very long to live. i feel really bad saying this but i dont think it will affect me very much though i will feel sad for xxx :(
ive been thinking if i should put up a pic of my current self...but im self-conscious. i feel kiiinda ok since ive got some tiny progress but ug, im still not happy with me and i wont be till i reach my ugw =) then, THEN ill be happy! :D
2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 3:23p
1c honey dew melon: 60cal 6:00p
binge 1 Kellogg's strawberry bar: 90cal 9:40p (purge 9:45p)
binge turkey sandwich: 225cal 9:40p (purge 9:45p)
601cal under
399cal eaten
315-10%= 283.5cal purge
115.5cal net total
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