damit! i knew this fast was too good to be true. he fucking remembered about the dam soup!
"hey! so you gonna eat today??" standing, leaning against the wall, one hand on hip looking at me.
"i, i did eat...." i stutter and look down back at the computer, my mind racing for answers. (ya nice move. way to show confidence and prove your alright)
"when?"
"...i had carrots remember?" okayyy, is that all you can come up with? arent you forgetting to remind him also about 'eating' ice cream??
"carrots dont count...you cant survive on tea..."
i dont know what to say and im not brave enough to look at him. further confirming whats in his mind, good one alice.
"i know what your doing..."
my heart stops and then beats a thousand times a minute. i get up off the bed, put the laptop down and walk over to him being careful not to look him in the eyes because if he doesnt know and its something else, he'll know by my betraying eyes.
"...whaaat?" i say playfully dragging out my word. i give a smile that comes out as a nervous, im-hiding-something--and-i-cant-help-but-make-it-so-fucking-obvious-because-im-an-idiot-and-i-dont-know-how-to-hide-it smile. i lean my head on him with my hand on his back and look at the floor.
"your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat."
i move away because i cant take the intensity of his worried, this-needs-to-be-addressed ora. i grab my makeup bag that i had next to me on the bed and walk over to the closet to put it away; my mind racing, my heart beating, my hands sweating.
i give a nervous laugh "no im not."
the talk ends, i switch "hey i did bocha today!" (bocha is kids way of saying shower/take a bath. i was previously debating whether or not i did)
"i told you, you did."
"...ya but i feel so gross like i didnt..." code for, i just need some time to calm down and think of some kinda excuse or something. anything!
"well go take one."
"ok."
i spent a few minutes looking at my disgusting self in the mirror hearing it over and over "your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat..." "think your fat..." "think your fat..." i stare and squeeze all my fat and cry, totally not seeing how i look "not fat". then i hear a knock on the bathroom door.
"hey! so you gonna eat today??" standing, leaning against the wall, one hand on hip looking at me.
"i, i did eat...." i stutter and look down back at the computer, my mind racing for answers. (ya nice move. way to show confidence and prove your alright)
"when?"
"...i had carrots remember?" okayyy, is that all you can come up with? arent you forgetting to remind him also about 'eating' ice cream??
"carrots dont count...you cant survive on tea..."
i dont know what to say and im not brave enough to look at him. further confirming whats in his mind, good one alice.
"i know what your doing..."
my heart stops and then beats a thousand times a minute. i get up off the bed, put the laptop down and walk over to him being careful not to look him in the eyes because if he doesnt know and its something else, he'll know by my betraying eyes.
"...whaaat?" i say playfully dragging out my word. i give a smile that comes out as a nervous, im-hiding-something--and-i-cant-help-but-make-it-so-fucking-obvious-because-im-an-idiot-and-i-dont-know-how-to-hide-it smile. i lean my head on him with my hand on his back and look at the floor.
"your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat."
i move away because i cant take the intensity of his worried, this-needs-to-be-addressed ora. i grab my makeup bag that i had next to me on the bed and walk over to the closet to put it away; my mind racing, my heart beating, my hands sweating.
i give a nervous laugh "no im not."
the talk ends, i switch "hey i did bocha today!" (bocha is kids way of saying shower/take a bath. i was previously debating whether or not i did)
"i told you, you did."
"...ya but i feel so gross like i didnt..." code for, i just need some time to calm down and think of some kinda excuse or something. anything!
"well go take one."
"ok."
i spent a few minutes looking at my disgusting self in the mirror hearing it over and over "your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat..." "think your fat..." "think your fat..." i stare and squeeze all my fat and cry, totally not seeing how i look "not fat". then i hear a knock on the bathroom door.
i open it and peak out while hiding behind the door because his moms room is right accross our room.
"hey." he whispers.
"ya??"
"come."
"what?"
"look." he points in the room "its ok, go look."
so i go and i hear the tv show he's watching and i turn around and go back to the bathroom immediately. "you suck!" i laugh. he giggles and i shut the door. it was a show he knows i absolutely cant stand and he did it as a joke, but i bet he was checking if i was in there throwing up -__- its the second time in a row he's done that when i go to shower and since he said he knows what im doing, i have no doubt those are check ups if im purging...
in the shower i think of a thousand things to say, "i know you dont like my religion so i didnt tell you. its a religious fast. i cant eat anything but vegetables today." no thats too over the top, "its a proven fact that if you fast you will live longer, you will be at a lower risk for age-related illnesses like alzheimer's, it helps unclog arteries, and it removes toxins from the body!" ok he'd never go for that, he'll just say im making excuses, "ok...i thought you'd think it was stupid but you know the blog i have? well, im trying out all these healthy things for girls who want to know the results! neat huh?!" (hehe i had in mind to use that one and tell him "hopes for hipbones" was my blog)
none of them popped so i started thinking of ways to pretend to eat so i can at least get by tonight with a complete fast. but i know for a fact if i told him i ate without him seeing me eat he'd say "promise?" and i just cant. i cant do that. i cant lie to him like that. yes, i lied earlier today about the carrots, but i couldnt do it now. so, i came out of the shower with no ideas what so ever. my mind was all over the place and so preoccupied that i didnt even fucking shower right! i screwed up all over the place, did things before things that should have been done first and by the time id realize it, id have already done it. i cant stand that! but i couldnt start the shower all over agian, id already taken an hour and a half O.o i take hour long showers because of my rituals, i cant skip and i need to feel clean.
when i got out of the shower i made my milk tea and came back upstairs.
"this is the best tea ive ever made! it has..."
"did you make your soup??" completely ignoring my new tea invention.
in the shower i think of a thousand things to say, "i know you dont like my religion so i didnt tell you. its a religious fast. i cant eat anything but vegetables today." no thats too over the top, "its a proven fact that if you fast you will live longer, you will be at a lower risk for age-related illnesses like alzheimer's, it helps unclog arteries, and it removes toxins from the body!" ok he'd never go for that, he'll just say im making excuses, "ok...i thought you'd think it was stupid but you know the blog i have? well, im trying out all these healthy things for girls who want to know the results! neat huh?!" (hehe i had in mind to use that one and tell him "hopes for hipbones" was my blog)
none of them popped so i started thinking of ways to pretend to eat so i can at least get by tonight with a complete fast. but i know for a fact if i told him i ate without him seeing me eat he'd say "promise?" and i just cant. i cant do that. i cant lie to him like that. yes, i lied earlier today about the carrots, but i couldnt do it now. so, i came out of the shower with no ideas what so ever. my mind was all over the place and so preoccupied that i didnt even fucking shower right! i screwed up all over the place, did things before things that should have been done first and by the time id realize it, id have already done it. i cant stand that! but i couldnt start the shower all over agian, id already taken an hour and a half O.o i take hour long showers because of my rituals, i cant skip and i need to feel clean.
when i got out of the shower i made my milk tea and came back upstairs.
"this is the best tea ive ever made! it has..."
"did you make your soup??" completely ignoring my new tea invention.
talking fast trying to ignore it "no, but i put, um i put tea and water of course and i added sugar and some coffee creamer since we didnt have milk (as if id use milk anyway!) its pretty good you want some?!"
"nooo!"
"oh! and a tad of syrup. you know just to bring out the sweet flavor cuz sugar by itself in this kinda thing doesnt really taste so ya i added syrup. oh plus it gives it some color."
about 15min later he comes by me as im writing this blog and grabs my foot and massages it a little.
"i wanna go to the store."
"in the rain??" its storming outside.
"nooo!"
"oh! and a tad of syrup. you know just to bring out the sweet flavor cuz sugar by itself in this kinda thing doesnt really taste so ya i added syrup. oh plus it gives it some color."
about 15min later he comes by me as im writing this blog and grabs my foot and massages it a little.
"i wanna go to the store."
"in the rain??" its storming outside.
in a kinda little kid whinny voice, but cute "i dunno. i want chooocolate."
i laugh "okay." i smile.
he walks over to the chairs at the foot of the bed, sits, begins playing PS3. in a serious voice "i want you to stay here and make your soup. and im gonna go to the store."
".....ok..."
"...well you dont have to stay here...but i want you to get something to eat."
".......but im not hungry."
no one talks for a little while.
"ok, ill be back"
"ok." i smile.
"you gonna eat??"
"im not huuungry." i smile trying to play it off.
"but you didnt eat all day!" he wasnt yelling, just emphasizing.
"i did eat! i had carrots and ice cream remember?"
"but thats not enough!"
"ill eat tomorrow! im fiiine." im NOT fucking eating today no matter the fuck what! im just fucking NOT! im not giving up on this fast and i know its technically tomorrow since its 1:50am but that wont ease my mind. if i eat now, i cant say that i completed a full day fast.
i know this isnt the end of it. swore for sure he was gonna be at the store with his hand reaching out for the chocolate bar he went for and he'll pull back and walk to the cookies or pies or pasta or sandwiches or whatever the fuck he thinks ill eat and hes gonna come home, put it in front of me and make me and watch me eat it. but he didnt.
"hey! forget something?"
he lifts up the hersheys bar.
"oh! that was fast!..what'd you speed?!" i laugh.
"wanna bite?"
"no thanks." i say innocently and smile.
"good cuz you wasnt gonna get one...you been bad girl today..."
"what?"
"you been bad..."
"whyyy?" i say playfully trying to make it like nothing.
"cuz you not eat." he speaks like a cute little kid/baby way again.
...fuck...he's going to be watching me now. im under the fucking microscope! FUCK!
i laugh "okay." i smile.
he walks over to the chairs at the foot of the bed, sits, begins playing PS3. in a serious voice "i want you to stay here and make your soup. and im gonna go to the store."
".....ok..."
"...well you dont have to stay here...but i want you to get something to eat."
".......but im not hungry."
no one talks for a little while.
"ok, ill be back"
"ok." i smile.
"you gonna eat??"
"im not huuungry." i smile trying to play it off.
"but you didnt eat all day!" he wasnt yelling, just emphasizing.
"i did eat! i had carrots and ice cream remember?"
"but thats not enough!"
"ill eat tomorrow! im fiiine." im NOT fucking eating today no matter the fuck what! im just fucking NOT! im not giving up on this fast and i know its technically tomorrow since its 1:50am but that wont ease my mind. if i eat now, i cant say that i completed a full day fast.
i know this isnt the end of it. swore for sure he was gonna be at the store with his hand reaching out for the chocolate bar he went for and he'll pull back and walk to the cookies or pies or pasta or sandwiches or whatever the fuck he thinks ill eat and hes gonna come home, put it in front of me and make me and watch me eat it. but he didnt.
"hey! forget something?"
he lifts up the hersheys bar.
"oh! that was fast!..what'd you speed?!" i laugh.
"wanna bite?"
"no thanks." i say innocently and smile.
"good cuz you wasnt gonna get one...you been bad girl today..."
"what?"
"you been bad..."
"whyyy?" i say playfully trying to make it like nothing.
"cuz you not eat." he speaks like a cute little kid/baby way again.
...fuck...he's going to be watching me now. im under the fucking microscope! FUCK!
ahhhh sorry that sucks! at least he did it in a sweet way though, he obviously cares about you. lay low for a while,
ReplyDeletelove
XX
i say pack on the high fiber veggies. if he sees you eating tons of veggies then maybe he will lay off, and if anything you could make a soup out of just veggies. broccoli/cabbage/spinach soup is really good and will help you poop which is always a plus lol. the only draw back is the bloating and farting :P
ReplyDeleteor you could let him see you snack on something like prunes throughout the day so he thinks your eating and it will help you lose weight(through pooping of course :))
stay strong
meg
whn those things happen the best excuse is "i was gonna eat the soup, but my stomach has been bothering me a lil all day and now its rediculous. i made some tea to try and calm it down. ill see how it is in the morning." has worked for me the past three days. youll be fine. just snack in front of him like embre said. thtll ease him off a lil. and if you need to throw up, do it in the shower. no one can hear you.
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