a first date in manipulative form

June 28

yesterday after my fast completed blog, xxx took me on our first date! :D it had its good and its bad.

bad:
1. he took me to ihop. though sweet, it was a dam manipulative thing to do! what can i say? he had me trapped! i didnt know whether to think "you did this on fucking purpose because you want me to eat, and what better way to get me to eat than on our first date!" or "awww your so fucking sweet! our first date! i couldnt destroy this..." of course, it being our first date, the second thought surpassed the small anger i had about it.

2. before we went there we dropped off our laptop to best buy cuz its fucked up and the guy who helped us shook my hand. so when we got to ihop i went straight to the bathroom to wash my hands and then i went to pee. well i hate fucking automatic fucking flushing toilets!!! my pinky ring fell in the toilet and right when i was about to stick my hand in the fucking public toilet, the fucking thing flushed!!! oh i was so mad, hurt and sad! it was the first thing xxx had ever given me and ive worn it for a year and a half! it has only come off when i shower or do something where it might be lost. i gess theres your downside to weight loss :'( before i met him we decided to send eachother something we keep close; he sent me his targus earing that i used as a pinky ring when i got it. i sent him a plastic yellow ring i took off the little lemon juice bottle you get in the produce section; i used to wear it as a pinky ring. he put it on his pinky as well, though it only went past his first knucle and even though it was a little weird, he wore it because he loves me. he lost his ring after a year and i swore to myself id never, never lose my targus ring!. theres so much attatched to both those items and now they are gone :( im glad he wasnt mad about it though, he understood how upset i was and said
"its alright babe, well get you another one."
"but its not the same..." sad face almost about to cry.
"its ok babe..."

good:
1. it was our first date! haha thats a good all in itself!

2. they had healthy choices and the eggs were egg beaters and the pancakes were low...well lower cal so that wasnt too bad.

3. we walked out of the restaurant
"how far are we from home??"
"why?"
"cuz i gotta pee."
"uh oh, better go now."
as i said in my other blog, my UTI came back and it fucking sucks! it hurts to pee :/ but hey, i had an excuse to go to the bathroom =) i went back in while he got the car started. i purged and ran out to the car. i just couldnt let that stay in me no matter how "healthy" it says it is. my tummy disagreed! maybe it was the nuts or just that i ate more than im used to.

1/3 IHop Blueberry Harvest n' Grain pancake combo: 190 7:15p (purge 7:30p)

310cal under
190cal eaten
190-10%= 171cal purged
19cal net total

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June 29

i made sure to let him see me eat everytime. i ate the carrots in front of him and spit it in a cardboard while his back was turned, i slowly, carefully made the mozzarella roll in front of him and ate it next to him. and while we watched hells kitchen i ate my ice cream while he ate his. i ate slowly and didnt take it out of the container this time so he wouldnt know how little i ate. he thinks i ate pretty much the whole container cuz i threw away the container when i was done. he doesnt know how little was in there in the first place XD

i really need a fucking job! i hope starbucks or borders highers me! theres no where else around here really that i can work. everythings food and i cant cook at all, id screw up all over the place and id be a terrible waitress. and walmart is far away, kroger...id fail at kroger. same for k-mart, its too busy and i have no patience for idiot fat asses who dont know how to use the U-scan or take an entire fucking cart load through the U-scan! and block buster and the dollar stoare are too slow. i need someplace reasonably busy so i dont lose momentum, once i loose it, thats it for me, i go down hill and theres no going back up. you'd think id have lack of energy for a busy job but for some reason if im kept busy, the headaches dont come as often, i dont black out, get dizzy and my eyes dont blurr so much. i sound picky dont i? :/ i cant help it, but im willing to try anything i gess. if they dont call within a week or two im going for something out of my feel-good zone. i just really need a job! i need food! safe foods! not all this crap im surrounded with chips, mayonaise, pizza, danish, apple pies, cookies, hamburger helpers, eggo waffles, drumstick ice cream, peanut butter fudge ice cream sandwiches, whole milk? ug -__- nothing is low-fat, fat-free, reduced fat, no-sugar, gluten-free, or soy based. hell they dont even have non-canned fresh vegetables or fruits. and the canned veggies/fruits they do have arent ever, and i mean never, eaten! im the only one who touches them, though ive only eaten a can of green beans and a can of peaches (i really preferr frozen or fresh). those cans havebeen there since i got here 8 months ago and they moved with us and still arent eaten! the only vegetable/fruit that is eaten, is baked potatoes, the potatoes used for the cheesey hash browns hamburger helper, and the occational box of strawberries or bag of cuties; which usually 3/4 of it will rot. i would eat it all because i love fruits, but i refuse to eat food other people bought and touched. i keep my food in my own drawer and if anyone but me or boyfried touch it, it meets the trash! im severely touchy about my shit! XD

ok...i gess what ive eaten wasnt enough for him...he just complained about it -__- damit! i cant eat anything else today! im already up to 187 O.o any more and ill be at 200+ fuck! i dont wanna eat! i hate food!
"im goin downstairs you want anything?"
"....." thinking debating on water or not.
"hey! you havent eaten today!"
"yes i did!"
"what?"
counting on my fingers "carrots, that wrap thing and a whole ton of ice cream!"
"what wrap??"
"that cheese turkey and pickles wrap/roll thing i made."
"pft, you havent eaten crap! a handful a carrots and a teenie little cheese and turkey isnt eating!"
"and the ice cream! it was almost the whole container!"
"babe, i got it the other day, there wasnt much in there."
"but i did eat!"
he goes downstairs and when he gets back
"you need to eat more."
"im healthy!...im fine!"
"making me sad..."
"why?? im just going back to the way i used to be!"
"what? 30lbs?"
"95!...well, after i was a fat ass..."
".....your getting skinner and skinnier!" really?? fuck! why cant i fucking see that?! i dont see any fucking change! i only did when i first lost weight to fit my panties that i accidentaly shrunk. why cant i see it?! i want to see that im skinny, but im fucking fat as hell!
"making me sad.......tomorrow im cooking dinner and your gonna eat!"
"ok!" a little irritated.
his brother came over to get his puppies, the mom was puppy sitting today, so i went down staris. after a while of standing around looking at the puppies, i went to the kitchen and grabbed a bowl, i figured, "ok, maybe if i eat a little something itll get him off my back." he heard the bowls clanging and rushed in the kitchen,
"what you doing?! getting you something to eat?!" eagar look on his face.
"ya. imma steal some a your ice cream i gess. any left?" i didnt know what to eat, i couldnt think. nothing was low enough cals for me to eat. i went from ice cream, to ice cream sandwich, to cereal, to oatmeal, to ramen. ice cream 210, ice cream sandwich 160, cereal 110, oatmeal 130, ramen 150. he went up stairs while i was trying to get a hold of my mind.
"not much...meet me upsatairs." code for, i better see you eating when you get up here!
"ok."
i decided to grab a ice cream sandwich, cut it in half and hide the rest behind the nikuman i bought a month ago, nobody touches it and its way back there. i can either keep it for another situation like this or throw it away sometime tomorrow. i started eating on the way upstairs so it would look like ive already eaten half.

this is getting fucking ridiculous! i hate food, im healthy, why do i have to eat so much huh? the human stomach is about the size of a fist and the adverage human stretches and stuffes their stomach 3-5x that size 3x a day! not to mention snacks! i dont want to be like that, i want to be thin, i want my tummy to be small, i want to feel it growl, i want it empty!

chew/spit 3 baby carrots: 6cal 4:00p
chew/spit 3tsp Alouette brie: 15cal 4:00p
1 slice mozzarella: 65cal 7:35p
1 slice turkey: 22cal 7:35p
1 spicy pickle: 5cal 7:35p
1/2c ice cream: 95cal 9:49p (purge 9:53p)

1/2 ice cream sandwich: 80cal 3:15a

233cal under
267cal eaten
95-10%= 85.5cal purged
181.5cal net total