i mini binged for dinner...i lost my control streak :( but im not going to let it put me back! im going to be strong about it and just think of tomorrow. my calories arent too high and i suppose its good to mix it up sometimes, thus the ABC and 2468 diets...maybe thats why im kinda in plateau. im always trying to stay under 300 everyday and i thought that would be good cuz i eventually want to go even lower. but i havent seemed to lose very much, im pretty much staying the same. ive also been back into exercising too. i burned 55cals walking, not very much i know but my heat sensitivity and vertigo makes it hard. but i made up for it in indoor exercising, burned 200cals at least. i have a good calculator i found and i put it in the links section =)
im sad to say that i have to slow down on my posts. xxx caught me on my blog and asked what i was looking at.
im sad to say that i have to slow down on my posts. xxx caught me on my blog and asked what i was looking at.
"its a blog..." "why you blogging??" he thinks blogs are all gossip and weird.
"cuz its fun." innocent smile. and i need people who are like me
"what you writing?"
"about stuff...about you, here...wubs and girper." and how i eat and throw up because i dont want to gain weight, how i want to be 80lbs, how i want to see bones, how i want to feel and see how you see me
"...bad?"
"no, nothing bad." i smile. lie
"what blog is it?"
i open a new tab to show him but i realize it would only go to my dashboard so i close it out.
"its on google." i had a second to re-think and i realized i shouldnt tell him blogspot specifically.
"do people read it?"
"ya." "do they say anything about it?"
"mm hmm, sometimes." ".....aww i feel left out."
i feel bad cuz we tell each other everything and him not knowing what im writing on here probably indicates to him that theres something im not telling him...which...there is, obviously...so i probably wont be posting everyday like i have. it would really mess everything up if im found out. thankfully he'd never take me to a doctor because he thinks shrinks are stupid. he still doesnt understand why i want to go to one. not for my eating habits, hell no! but for help to get rid of, or better deal with my past and the affects it has on me. i try to tell him that the things my father has done to me doesnt just go away, its long lasting. i have cuts in my mind and they need to be stitched so my mind can heal. it hurts me if i get too sad and let it fester in my mind too long because sometimes i dont know how to stop, it makes me depressed. i still have flashbacks at the sight and smell of certain things. i plan to go to a shrink when i have insurance for it.
well, wish me luck huns!
1/2c Green Giant green beans: 20cal 4:40p
1/4 slice cheese: 17.5cal 4:40p
4 cookies: 170cal 7:10p
1 baby carrot: 2cal 8:18p
1c Green Giant green beans: 40 cal 12:00a
1tbsp mozzarella: 20cal 12:00a
binge 4 cookies: 170cal 12:20p
binge 1 mini bag Doritos: 150cal 12:20p
410.5cal under
589.5cal eaten
320cal binge
for me i would have gone completely crazy and depressed if i hadnt of told my bf. he hasnt made me go to a doctor, but hes trying to help me. he never told my parents either. idk. i guess maybe you could let him in a little. i mean you are both adults and love each other. you kno about his drug addiction, and maybe you should let him in a little about this. but thts just me.
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