good day food-wise, bad day smart-wise

i couldnt post yesterday because things were kinda awkward and tense. we're in the process of moving and our car battery sucks! it died on us a couple days ago and today i was waiting in the car and xxx told me "you can turn the car on so you can have ac." so i put the key in and turn it to accessory! -__- what a dum ass! so the car battery dies and hes mad and frustrated and im sad and feeling pretty shitty about myself because other things had already gone wrong before that. then 4hrs later im waiting in the car agian and what do i do?? i sit in the car with the door open and kill the fucking battery again! who does that?! i should know so much better and yet...i somehow make an ass of myself even still. i am such an idiot! he said hes not mad at me, he apologized the first time because he swore and slammed the car door and i cried a little while i went in the house (i know, im a stupid baby for crying). things were better, we were normal again and i screwed up AGAIN! he asked me to listen for my phone because he had to take him mom to the new house for a few things and hed call me when he needed me to start the baked potato for his mom. i forgot to turn my phone back to normal instead of silent and he called me 3x and texted me once "hello!!!!!". i didnt realize anything until they came home and he opened the room door and threw his phone to the wall on the opposite side of the room. well, he didnt really throw it, he tossed it, but i could still tell he was mad. this time we just didnt talk for a while. about a few hrs. i just sat there for an hour with my back to the door. i just never know how to look him in the eyes when ive done wrong. all i know how to do is stay away and hate myself for being so stupid. it sounds/seems really dum that id do this for such a small thing, but ive turned into an over sensitive person, i sat there and punched myself in the leg and pinched it as hard as i could and bit my hand all as punishment for being a screw up. now i have a large bruise i have to hide from him and everyone else or they might think he abuses me. he really is a wonderful boyfriend but i really dont know why but i tend to beat myself up alot when i mess up things no matter how small; i still end up telling myself its because im stupid and i hate myself. it seems like the harder i think/focus and try to do things right, the more my mind just doesnt connect with the things id normally have a handle of if i werent thinking so hard about not screwing them up...eventually we talked a little after i took a shower. i figured i should give us some time apart to recooperate, re-think and calm down so i took an hour long shower. when i was done i got ready for bed and asked him if he was sleepy and if he wanted go to sleep with me. he didnt but i could feel in his voice he wasnt mad anymore, he just has insomnia so he was sleepy but couldnt sleep just yet. but i woke in the middle of the night to him laying by my side =) im going to work on calming my mind and not thinking and focusing so hard on things because then i over concentrate and my mind gets forgetful. that and ive been kinda sad lately about my weight, its not changing, and ive been missing home, and my dog and feeling kinda desperate because everywhere i look here theres trees and hills and mountains, theres no water, no ocean. so those are some other reasons why i havent been up to par, my mind has kind of been empty. thats what i do when i feel im on the verge of depression, i push everything to the back of my mind and just dont think about it. its easier for me except for the fact that i become forgetful and distant.



2 slices turkey: 44cal 5:45p
1/2 tbsp mozzarella: 30cal 5:45p
mustard: 0cal 5:45p
5 gummy bears: 43cal 6:15p


969cal under
117cal eaten