a first date in manipulative form

June 28

yesterday after my fast completed blog, xxx took me on our first date! :D it had its good and its bad.

bad:
1. he took me to ihop. though sweet, it was a dam manipulative thing to do! what can i say? he had me trapped! i didnt know whether to think "you did this on fucking purpose because you want me to eat, and what better way to get me to eat than on our first date!" or "awww your so fucking sweet! our first date! i couldnt destroy this..." of course, it being our first date, the second thought surpassed the small anger i had about it.

2. before we went there we dropped off our laptop to best buy cuz its fucked up and the guy who helped us shook my hand. so when we got to ihop i went straight to the bathroom to wash my hands and then i went to pee. well i hate fucking automatic fucking flushing toilets!!! my pinky ring fell in the toilet and right when i was about to stick my hand in the fucking public toilet, the fucking thing flushed!!! oh i was so mad, hurt and sad! it was the first thing xxx had ever given me and ive worn it for a year and a half! it has only come off when i shower or do something where it might be lost. i gess theres your downside to weight loss :'( before i met him we decided to send eachother something we keep close; he sent me his targus earing that i used as a pinky ring when i got it. i sent him a plastic yellow ring i took off the little lemon juice bottle you get in the produce section; i used to wear it as a pinky ring. he put it on his pinky as well, though it only went past his first knucle and even though it was a little weird, he wore it because he loves me. he lost his ring after a year and i swore to myself id never, never lose my targus ring!. theres so much attatched to both those items and now they are gone :( im glad he wasnt mad about it though, he understood how upset i was and said
"its alright babe, well get you another one."
"but its not the same..." sad face almost about to cry.
"its ok babe..."

good:
1. it was our first date! haha thats a good all in itself!

2. they had healthy choices and the eggs were egg beaters and the pancakes were low...well lower cal so that wasnt too bad.

3. we walked out of the restaurant
"how far are we from home??"
"why?"
"cuz i gotta pee."
"uh oh, better go now."
as i said in my other blog, my UTI came back and it fucking sucks! it hurts to pee :/ but hey, i had an excuse to go to the bathroom =) i went back in while he got the car started. i purged and ran out to the car. i just couldnt let that stay in me no matter how "healthy" it says it is. my tummy disagreed! maybe it was the nuts or just that i ate more than im used to.

1/3 IHop Blueberry Harvest n' Grain pancake combo: 190 7:15p (purge 7:30p)

310cal under
190cal eaten
190-10%= 171cal purged
19cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 29

i made sure to let him see me eat everytime. i ate the carrots in front of him and spit it in a cardboard while his back was turned, i slowly, carefully made the mozzarella roll in front of him and ate it next to him. and while we watched hells kitchen i ate my ice cream while he ate his. i ate slowly and didnt take it out of the container this time so he wouldnt know how little i ate. he thinks i ate pretty much the whole container cuz i threw away the container when i was done. he doesnt know how little was in there in the first place XD

i really need a fucking job! i hope starbucks or borders highers me! theres no where else around here really that i can work. everythings food and i cant cook at all, id screw up all over the place and id be a terrible waitress. and walmart is far away, kroger...id fail at kroger. same for k-mart, its too busy and i have no patience for idiot fat asses who dont know how to use the U-scan or take an entire fucking cart load through the U-scan! and block buster and the dollar stoare are too slow. i need someplace reasonably busy so i dont lose momentum, once i loose it, thats it for me, i go down hill and theres no going back up. you'd think id have lack of energy for a busy job but for some reason if im kept busy, the headaches dont come as often, i dont black out, get dizzy and my eyes dont blurr so much. i sound picky dont i? :/ i cant help it, but im willing to try anything i gess. if they dont call within a week or two im going for something out of my feel-good zone. i just really need a job! i need food! safe foods! not all this crap im surrounded with chips, mayonaise, pizza, danish, apple pies, cookies, hamburger helpers, eggo waffles, drumstick ice cream, peanut butter fudge ice cream sandwiches, whole milk? ug -__- nothing is low-fat, fat-free, reduced fat, no-sugar, gluten-free, or soy based. hell they dont even have non-canned fresh vegetables or fruits. and the canned veggies/fruits they do have arent ever, and i mean never, eaten! im the only one who touches them, though ive only eaten a can of green beans and a can of peaches (i really preferr frozen or fresh). those cans havebeen there since i got here 8 months ago and they moved with us and still arent eaten! the only vegetable/fruit that is eaten, is baked potatoes, the potatoes used for the cheesey hash browns hamburger helper, and the occational box of strawberries or bag of cuties; which usually 3/4 of it will rot. i would eat it all because i love fruits, but i refuse to eat food other people bought and touched. i keep my food in my own drawer and if anyone but me or boyfried touch it, it meets the trash! im severely touchy about my shit! XD

ok...i gess what ive eaten wasnt enough for him...he just complained about it -__- damit! i cant eat anything else today! im already up to 187 O.o any more and ill be at 200+ fuck! i dont wanna eat! i hate food!
"im goin downstairs you want anything?"
"....." thinking debating on water or not.
"hey! you havent eaten today!"
"yes i did!"
"what?"
counting on my fingers "carrots, that wrap thing and a whole ton of ice cream!"
"what wrap??"
"that cheese turkey and pickles wrap/roll thing i made."
"pft, you havent eaten crap! a handful a carrots and a teenie little cheese and turkey isnt eating!"
"and the ice cream! it was almost the whole container!"
"babe, i got it the other day, there wasnt much in there."
"but i did eat!"
he goes downstairs and when he gets back
"you need to eat more."
"im healthy!...im fine!"
"making me sad..."
"why?? im just going back to the way i used to be!"
"what? 30lbs?"
"95!...well, after i was a fat ass..."
".....your getting skinner and skinnier!" really?? fuck! why cant i fucking see that?! i dont see any fucking change! i only did when i first lost weight to fit my panties that i accidentaly shrunk. why cant i see it?! i want to see that im skinny, but im fucking fat as hell!
"making me sad.......tomorrow im cooking dinner and your gonna eat!"
"ok!" a little irritated.
his brother came over to get his puppies, the mom was puppy sitting today, so i went down staris. after a while of standing around looking at the puppies, i went to the kitchen and grabbed a bowl, i figured, "ok, maybe if i eat a little something itll get him off my back." he heard the bowls clanging and rushed in the kitchen,
"what you doing?! getting you something to eat?!" eagar look on his face.
"ya. imma steal some a your ice cream i gess. any left?" i didnt know what to eat, i couldnt think. nothing was low enough cals for me to eat. i went from ice cream, to ice cream sandwich, to cereal, to oatmeal, to ramen. ice cream 210, ice cream sandwich 160, cereal 110, oatmeal 130, ramen 150. he went up stairs while i was trying to get a hold of my mind.
"not much...meet me upsatairs." code for, i better see you eating when you get up here!
"ok."
i decided to grab a ice cream sandwich, cut it in half and hide the rest behind the nikuman i bought a month ago, nobody touches it and its way back there. i can either keep it for another situation like this or throw it away sometime tomorrow. i started eating on the way upstairs so it would look like ive already eaten half.

this is getting fucking ridiculous! i hate food, im healthy, why do i have to eat so much huh? the human stomach is about the size of a fist and the adverage human stretches and stuffes their stomach 3-5x that size 3x a day! not to mention snacks! i dont want to be like that, i want to be thin, i want my tummy to be small, i want to feel it growl, i want it empty!

chew/spit 3 baby carrots: 6cal 4:00p
chew/spit 3tsp Alouette brie: 15cal 4:00p
1 slice mozzarella: 65cal 7:35p
1 slice turkey: 22cal 7:35p
1 spicy pickle: 5cal 7:35p
1/2c ice cream: 95cal 9:49p (purge 9:53p)

1/2 ice cream sandwich: 80cal 3:15a

233cal under
267cal eaten
95-10%= 85.5cal purged
181.5cal net total

fast.......fucking COMPLETED!!!

gess what girls! gess fucking what!! I FUCKING DID IT!!! i feel so excited and happy, i really did suprise myself yesterday! despite xxx wanting me to eat i didnt! i didnt give in, i stayed strong and did it for the sake of my body and proving to myself that i can, in fact, be a stronger person! thank you helesaurus , embre and Laura for your advice, ill definately use it! im such a nervous person and ive never been in this situation before where ive been found out by someone and not because i ratted my own self out :P i had ratted myself out to my mom once when i was 15 thinking she knew i was purging and i was watched like a hawk! but it was somewhat easy since she and my brother were at work/school 7hrs of the day.

i thought i was going to have no choice but to swallow a cracker because my fucking UTI came back last night (figures right) and i lost the pills that make the pain go away9another figures) so i couldnt drink anything to keep my stomach growling from being heard and i knew if he heard it he'd probably say "thats it! babe, eat!" so whenever i went to the bathroom i drank a little water. i took a couple benadryl which luckily for me knocked me out before my stomach growled too loud.

i really really dont want to eat today either! ive gotten a taste of what i can do and i want more! its the best thing ive ever tasted (or not hahaha) in my life! i want to fast for a week or more, i really do! unfortunately thats not a good idea :( i have think about how im going to do this because im still, no matter what, still not passing my 500cal limit! at eat as little as i can to keep him happy, carrots, celery, corn, green beans, peaches, soup if i must. haha ive stayed kinda strong about that low-fat ice cream i bought thats been in the freezer for quite some time. its not even 1/8th eaten haha!

ive been found out! fuck Fuck FUCK!!!

damit! i knew this fast was too good to be true. he fucking remembered about the dam soup!
"hey! so you gonna eat today??" standing, leaning against the wall, one hand on hip looking at me.
"i, i did eat...." i stutter and look down back at the computer, my mind racing for answers. (ya nice move. way to show confidence and prove your alright)
"when?"
"...i had carrots remember?" okayyy, is that all you can come up with? arent you forgetting to remind him also about 'eating' ice cream??
"carrots dont count...you cant survive on tea..."
i dont know what to say and im not brave enough to look at him. further confirming whats in his mind, good one alice.
"i know what your doing..."
my heart stops and then beats a thousand times a minute. i get up off the bed, put the laptop down and walk over to him being careful not to look him in the eyes because if he doesnt know and its something else, he'll know by my betraying eyes.
"...whaaat?" i say playfully dragging out my word. i give a smile that comes out as a nervous, im-hiding-something--and-i-cant-help-but-make-it-so-fucking-obvious-because-im-an-idiot-and-i-dont-know-how-to-hide-it smile. i lean my head on him with my hand on his back and look at the floor.
"your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat."
i move away because i cant take the intensity of his worried, this-needs-to-be-addressed ora. i grab my makeup bag that i had next to me on the bed and walk over to the closet to put it away; my mind racing, my heart beating, my hands sweating.
i give a nervous laugh "no im not."
the talk ends, i switch "hey i did bocha today!" (bocha is kids way of saying shower/take a bath. i was previously debating whether or not i did)
"i told you, you did."
"...ya but i feel so gross like i didnt..." code for, i just need some time to calm down and think of some kinda excuse or something. anything!
"well go take one."
"ok."
i spent a few minutes looking at my disgusting self in the mirror hearing it over and over "your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat..." "think your fat..." "think your fat..." i stare and squeeze all my fat and cry, totally not seeing how i look "not fat". then i hear a knock on the bathroom door.

i open it and peak out while hiding behind the door because his moms room is right accross our room.

"hey." he whispers.

"ya??"

"come."

"what?"

"look." he points in the room "its ok, go look."

so i go and i hear the tv show he's watching and i turn around and go back to the bathroom immediately. "you suck!" i laugh. he giggles and i shut the door. it was a show he knows i absolutely cant stand and he did it as a joke, but i bet he was checking if i was in there throwing up -__- its the second time in a row he's done that when i go to shower and since he said he knows what im doing, i have no doubt those are check ups if im purging...

in the shower i think of a thousand things to say, "i know you dont like my religion so i didnt tell you. its a religious fast. i cant eat anything but vegetables today." no thats too over the top, "its a proven fact that if you fast you will live longer, you will be at a lower risk for age-related illnesses like alzheimer's, it helps unclog arteries, and it removes toxins from the body!" ok he'd never go for that, he'll just say im making excuses, "ok...i thought you'd think it was stupid but you know the blog i have? well, im trying out all these healthy things for girls who want to know the results! neat huh?!" (hehe i had in mind to use that one and tell him "hopes for hipbones" was my blog)

none of them popped so i started thinking of ways to pretend to eat so i can at least get by tonight with a complete fast. but i know for a fact if i told him i ate without him seeing me eat he'd say "promise?" and i just cant. i cant do that. i cant lie to him like that. yes, i lied earlier today about the carrots, but i couldnt do it now. so, i came out of the shower with no ideas what so ever. my mind was all over the place and so preoccupied that i didnt even fucking shower right! i screwed up all over the place, did things before things that should have been done first and by the time id realize it, id have already done it. i cant stand that! but i couldnt start the shower all over agian, id already taken an hour and a half O.o i take hour long showers because of my rituals, i cant skip and i need to feel clean.

when i got out of the shower i made my milk tea and came back upstairs.
"this is the best tea ive ever made! it has..."
"did you make your soup??" completely ignoring my new tea invention.

talking fast trying to ignore it "no, but i put, um i put tea and water of course and i added sugar and some coffee creamer since we didnt have milk (as if id use milk anyway!) its pretty good you want some?!"
"nooo!"
"oh! and a tad of syrup. you know just to bring out the sweet flavor cuz sugar by itself in this kinda thing doesnt really taste so ya i added syrup. oh plus it gives it some color."

about 15min later he comes by me as im writing this blog and grabs my foot and massages it a little.
"i wanna go to the store."
"in the rain??" its storming outside.

in a kinda little kid whinny voice, but cute "i dunno. i want chooocolate."
i laugh "okay." i smile.
he walks over to the chairs at the foot of the bed, sits, begins playing PS3. in a serious voice "i want you to stay here and make your soup. and im gonna go to the store."
".....ok..."
"...well you dont have to stay here...but i want you to get something to eat."
".......but im not hungry."
no one talks for a little while.
"ok, ill be back"
"ok." i smile.
"you gonna eat??"
"im not huuungry." i smile trying to play it off.
"but you didnt eat all day!" he wasnt yelling, just emphasizing.
"i did eat! i had carrots and ice cream remember?"
"but thats not enough!"
"ill eat tomorrow! im fiiine." im NOT fucking eating today no matter the fuck what! im just fucking NOT! im not giving up on this fast and i know its technically tomorrow since its 1:50am but that wont ease my mind. if i eat now, i cant say that i completed a full day fast.

i know this isnt the end of it. swore for sure he was gonna be at the store with his hand reaching out for the chocolate bar he went for and he'll pull back and walk to the cookies or pies or pasta or sandwiches or whatever the fuck he thinks ill eat and hes gonna come home, put it in front of me and make me and watch me eat it. but he didnt.

"hey! forget something?"
he lifts up the hersheys bar.
"oh! that was fast!..what'd you speed?!" i laugh.
"wanna bite?"
"no thanks." i say innocently and smile.
"good cuz you wasnt gonna get one...you been bad girl today..."
"what?"
"you been bad..."
"whyyy?" i say playfully trying to make it like nothing.
"cuz you not eat." he speaks like a cute little kid/baby way again.

...fuck...he's going to be watching me now. im under the fucking microscope! FUCK!

wooo! im on a fucking roll! :D

i am doing so fucking good i cant fucking believe myself! here's the turn-around, pick-me-up i needed! now lets not screw it up, fat ass! so far i havent eaten anything at all and the day is almost fucking over wooo! ive been drinking water and genmaicha (brown tea aka popcorn tea). i made it taste pretty good too! i added a tad cinnamon, a teenie peice of apple and a dash of sugar while the water was boiling. pretty good if i do say so myself. im thinking of seeing what boiling oats into it tastes like XD

when lunch came around xxx said

"im dying for burger king im so fucking hungry, im starving!" XD

"we gonna go?..."

"ya. you want something?"

"um..."

"burger king...taco bell? you still got that soup in there too."

"ummm.....i dont know....." i know, this is like a horror movie but instead of saying "he's behind the door idiot!" your reading this saying "soup! say soup!..SOUP!" XD

"i can take you to taco bell"

"...ok" and now your thinking "NOOOO!"

so i get the computer and start my calorie search.

"babe im hungry..."

i look up, "oh! sorry i thought we had to wait till your mom them get back?"

"no their taking his truck."

"oh...ok." i put the laptop down and put on my socks and shoes; ana's yelling at me the whole time, "fix it! fix it you mother fucker! dont be weak! haaa your so fucking weak!"

i realize, im not weak and i dont need/want fast food.

"actually love i change my mind. imma eat that soup."

"you sure??"

"ya!" we get in the car, "plus im not really that hungry right now, i ate a bunch a carrots after i fed the dogs." lie.

"oooh ok, good."

ana, situation avoided! thank you! i havent eaten anything yet and i think me eating soup may have been forgotten! will i? is it finally happening? am i getting away with my first fast?! i hope to hell i am!!! :D i feel so good and the stomach growling isnt phasing me...though i know if i was to fast longer than one day it would be harder. hopefully someday i can do it longer.

oh, and i got out of eating at IHop ^__^ we ended up not going haha! he wasnt hungry this morning, i was still sleeping and his mom didnt want to go, so woo! no gross, greasy calories for me!

one my most favorite singers ever! hes so sexy and i looove his voice!! i ENVY the girl in this beauty clinic commercial he does XD she's with Gackt AND shes so skinny...though...i wanna be thinner than her, she's still a step closer to thin than i am :P

and this one is awesome considering why all of us are in this blog community.in this commercial his name is Mr. Perfect and that guys job is to bring him perfect women because he is extremely picky XD its suppose to show that Takano Yuri Beauty Clinic makes the girls beautiful...hmmm then why did they show her having a flaw?? XD

i hope im soon surrounded by the smell of coffee, cool air and a focused atmosphere

thats a thinspo drawing i did a while ago

what'dya think? ^__^

i kinda screwed up today but i had no choice really. he insisted i get something so i went for reduced fat, of course. *sigh* still 320cal O.o but im still under and im not eating anything else today! i still have control =)

i filled out an app for starbucks. im excited and i really hope it turns out for me! its about time something does, i need a job and a little good luck, turn-around, pick-me-up, right about now ^__^ i spent all day yesterday doing research and looking up any tips on working there. got my hopes up a little too high so im trying to lower them cuz chances are i wont get the job. i have a bad habit for hope-upping and then when it doesnt turn out i get disappointed like a little pathetic baby -__- i so need to stop that haha! i was hoping for a job at the library so i could walk to work and burn some calories, but they arent hiring :P

actually! i have a little bit to be excited about! i started up exercising again a few weeks ago and im finally getting better at it! :D i can last longer without breaks. i had stopped exercising for about 3 months O.o i know, bad girl! bad!

well im relieved i was informed tonight that i have to wake up early tomorrow for...IHop -__- ug! im happy though cuz i have time to look up what im having. probably an omelet or something i dunno, ill figure it out!

5 baby carrots: 6cal 1:30p
vinegar: 0cal 1:30p
1 Honey Maid graham cracker: 30cal 1:30p
3 peach wedges: 22.5cal 4:50p
1 baby carrot: 2cal 4:50p
1 Starbucks reduced fat very berry coffee cake: 320cal 5:20p (purge 5:50)

119.5cal eaten
380.5cal eaten
320-2/3= 214.4cal purged
166.1cal net total

we all know subs are sooo not healthy like commercials imply, i call false advertising!

i HATE food!!!!!!! ug i feel sooo bloated and disgusting! i purged my guts out a few minutes ago. my stomach hurts so bad! boyfriend woke me up from my nap and said
"lets go."
"where?"
"penn station for dinner. i can finally buy you something to eat."
"oh, ok!" pretending to be excited.
he goes to the bathroom and i immediately jump outta bed and search for the lowest cal sub they have. i didnt really have time to really search for the lowest cal one so i just picked the lowest one i could spot on the first page. it was either chicken salad or turkey dagwood. i went with chicken salad and now i have a stamp on my head that says IDIOT and a FAT ASS one on my stomach to match! duh! chicken salad will have mayo! turkey dagwood i can tell them no mayo :P well, on the way there i told myself, "its ok. itll be ok. you can handle this. its just one time...or any time im caught in a food trap like this...i hope theres not too many before july 30! ill be fine. ill just eat it all so theres no temptation later, i will not binge afterward! ill try my best to avoid food tomorrow and ill be back on it!" well, that thought process didnt work. i felt guilty as fuck and i had to, had to, had to purge! i looked in the mirror and im fatter than i was :( i told myself i wasnt going to complain but. fuck i was doing so good!.......ok! im stopping now! right now! i sound so pathetic! i need to just forget it, and continue doing well tomorrow. it so hard to let it go! but i have to stop it! ok, im stopping it! my thought process is kicking in now...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 1:50p
1/2c peaches: 50cal 4:10p
1 small 7in Penn Station chicken salad sub: 568cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)
Penn Station french fries: 271cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)

359cal over :'(
895cal eaten
839-10%= 755.1cal purge
139.9cal net total

excuses excuses

we went to the store earlier and i got more carrots and a different kind of soup. i really want to take my time and look at all the different things and calorie amounts and see which ones have the lowest but its really hard doing that with my boyfriend around :/ he doesnt think i need to "diet" so i wont say im "dieting" as a reason because hell say im not fat, i dont need to, im fine how i am etc. so the only thing i got going for me now is saying im into health. he grabbed a really high cal bread and changed his mind to a different one, which so happened to be low cal,
"i like this one better, ok with you?"
"yep! its healthier anyway. the other one was really bad."
"psh, since when are you into health??"
"ive always been, i just took it down a notch since ive been here cuz its not like im paying for the food."
so thats been explaining the light soups, sobe life water, vitamin water, vegetables, silk, sorbet and whatever else i ask for. i cant wait to get a job so i can stop feeling bad asking for food...aaand i still have to learn how to fucking drive! then i can go and do my own fucking shopping! ive kinda been putting it off because i wanted my first licence to be from home with our info on it, not to mention i hate taking id/permit/licence pics :P but for the sake of losing im gonna try to get it and a job. im not that bad a driver i just need to drive a little more before i go so i can get used to it again.

next to the soups is the bakery and i have absolutely no fucking idea why i said it but i kinda shouted, "COOKIES!" -__- ya...nice one alice!
evil-devil-horrid-fattening-calorie-stuffed food=1
stupid-fat-loud-mouth-wants-to-gain-more alice=0.
but i turned that situation around by pretending.
"whats this one?"
lifts the cover.
"meh. i like this one better."
takes a 70 calorie cookie that was baked in 45calorie butter and sprinkled with 10 calories.
i held it in my hand and pretended to eat it and when we got to the toilet paper, i dropped it in between the bags. im sure people saw me but do i give a fuck? hell, fuck no! my bodys at stake here! you think im gonna eat it just because people are watching me thinking, "did she just?...she did?!...why the fuck did she take it if she was gonna stuf it in the items only for it to mold and rot? what an idiot!" no! no i am not! id rather do that than watch my stomach and thighs grow an inch before my eyes! i am strong, ana's on my side, i must keep control.

ive been researching on the internet and ive been finding some awesome low cal recipes! i just have to tweak and modify here and there but hey, its not bad! i found pancakes that are 26cal each, muffins 72cal each (still kinda high for my liking), and a tuna salad 88cal, which i can split into 4 22cal servings! thats really good for me because i need to keep my cals super super low this month and next! i need to start seeing some fucking results!

its so fucking gross! i went in the bathroom this afternoon and xxx's mom put 3 rolls of toilet paper on the plunger! EW! thats disgusting! why?! something that goes in the toilet, cleaned OR uncleaned, breads bacteria from the pee/doo doo water (just cuz you cant see it dont mean its not there) while it sits there and dries! and you wipe your private parts with that?! the parts that your supposed to keep cleanest?! why dont you just stuff the fucking plunger up your pussy?! its basically the same thing. ug! i cant wait till me and him get our own place. itll be sooo much fucking easier for me to keep things clean the way i want it and to get the food i want and do what i want. i just feel uncomfortable here cuz its her house, not mine. i can only keep our room clean and the bathroom upstairs (which by the way, the toilet paper is kept under the sink in its wrapping!), because that job has been left to me...somewhat, but thank fucking hell that i get some say in it cuz its the one i use.

xxx is so sweet! i was sooo sleepy. i was falling asleep while we were watching death becomes her, you know that old-ish movie where they drink the potion and stay young forever? well anyway he carried me to the bed ^__^ awww!

getting back lost control and new books!

dam it was sooo hard not to swallow that hot dog! i had to keep telling/reminding myself, tasting it is what you want. tasting is good enough. not swallowing, do not swallow. have control. youll get to eat soup in just a minute..." xxx wanted me to eat one and he was upstairs in the room so i took the opportunity to chew/spit the hot dog into the cling wrap i had over my left over soup while i waited for the soup to heat up. i was just finishing spitting the last bite out when i heard him coming down the stairs O.o i was planning on throwing a napkin in there or something to disguise it cuz its clear! but i didnt have time. i just spit, wrapped and dumped! it was so gross cuz i had to kinda dig my hand in there and stuf it in among the other trash. i took my soup out but i was paranoid so i threw some crumpled up toilet paper over it after pretending i got soup on my finger. then i took my soup upstairs and grabbed one of xxx's empty gatorade bottles and stuffed it in there too. then of course i HAD to wash my hands!!! im still paranoid that itll be found O.o

yay! i got 2 of the 4 books i ordered! :D i read the prologues from each book and i like them both!
The Passion Of Alice (haha "alice")
Skinny

aaand im a little nervous. my period is currently missing O.o it usually comes by the 16 and here it is the 25. i know im not pregnant because we've been using condoms since i missed a month. it just messed up our nerves so its been condoms since may so i know im not pregnant...i dont think...well there was that once we didnt use it for the beginning half but i still dont think im pregnant. what im nervous about is that xxx said "one more missed period and your going to the doctor." ive never been to a gyno and im super freaked about it! not kidding im seriously terrified! i dont like the idea of a stranger ive never met (ha, obviously) putting foreign metal objects in my pussy! excuse the language XD i told xxx that if i have to go it HAS TO/MUST be a girl/lady. NO guys! i already have a fear of men i dont need or want one looking/touching me beside my boyfriend! especially since i need my parts down there i dont want a dum ass guy hurting me down there. its a fact that guys are more rough than women. not to mention its a job to them so he'll probably be alot less gentle and patient than he was in the beginning of his career. xxx said, no he PROMISED he'd come in with me and hold my hand which makes me feel a little better. im also nervous because i have scars on my thighs and i dont want to talk about it; do you still do it? how long ago? did you see a therapist? do you still go? why not? etc., etc... also, they cant find out anything about my eating/purging from down there can they?? ug, im so nervous...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 3:10p
chew/spit 1 hot dog: 320cal 10:25p
1c Campbell's Select Harvest Light Italian-Style vegetable soup: 50cal 10:25p
1/4c Healthy Lifestyle chocolate ice cream: 45.5cal 12:30a

398.5cal under
101.5cal eaten

best day in a while!

as i mentioned before, my friend is coming over for the weekend on the last weekend of july. she's my moms friends daughter and ive known her for forever. she's like 5yrs younger than me. she always says she looks up to me cuz im cool or whatever, i dunno why, i suck ass! anyway she always says she wants to be anorexic so she can lose weight -__- i always either ignore it, tell her its not good or i tell her its not healthy, etc. ironic huh? anyway, its not something you can just "decide" to be. i dont understand why people tease it or wanna be anorexic so much. you either are, or your not. ive been this way and had other ednos eating habits since before i can remember. you cant just be it. chances are you'll end up doing it for a month or so and get fed up. its like being black or white or asian. you cant just wake up one morning and say "i want to be asian." if your white or hispanic. so since she looks up to me i better do super good and restrict like crazy until then because im gonna have to eat like a regular person on a regular diet. i cant have her taking on my habits and be blamed for it when her father (my uncle) scolds her and she blames it on me and then im fucked! he works in a psych ward at the hospital O.o he knows all about what to look for and since she lives with him theres no way she can hide it, he'll know within the first week. and i know for sure hell tell my mom and my boyfriend and ill be gone O.o i dont care how fucking fat i still am, he's got the inside and can put me in if he wants to. i cant have her trying to be anorexic! nooo fucking way! absofuckinglutely not! bad enough she started shallow cutting with scissors again after she found out i cut. (she had a friend that would cut but when her friend got put in the psych ward and she got caught, she blamed her friend for teaching her.) she stopped again as soon as i told her i was trying to quit (i wanst at the time). i have no doubt that shell pick up on how i eat.

dont get me wrong though! im completely excited for her to come over!!! just not the eating part x_X well, im not gonna freak out about that now i have a while to think about it and i can do my best until then to make up for what ill be eating. she wants me to teach her how to eat healthy so at least the meals are on me. i get to choose so for sure im gonna encorporate soup and oatmeal in there! ill probably be eating 6x a day and..... *gulp* 1200cal a day! fuuuuuuuck! ok, no more purging cuz im gonna need it whenever i can that weekend!

SO! from now until july 30 this is what i will/will not eat:

safe foods:
soup
crackers
veggies
fruits
oatmeal
sandwich (with limited turkey/cheese/peanutbutter/jelly)

cant eat unless chew/spit:
chocolate
any desserts (beside my sorbet/healthy life style ice cream)
any sweets
hamburgers
hot dogs
spaghetti
pizza
pasta (beside ramen)

tomorrow's plan:
breakfast: 3 baby carrots
lunch: 1 stalk celery
snack: 1 stalk celery (if im hungry before dinner so i dont binge)
dinner: 1c soup
1/4c Healthy Lifestyle ice cream

if i can stick to that then im fine. the only problem will be of course dinners which if i must eat, ill eat just a tiny bit and say im full or just get up and throw it away without a word.

2 baby carrots: 4cal 4:30p
1 baby carrot: 2cal 5:40p
1 baby carrot: 2cal 7:20p
1c Campbell's Select Harvest Light Italian-Style vegetable soup: 50cal 10:00p
3 baby carrots: 6cal 12:00a
1/4c Healthy Lifestyle ice cream: 45.5cal 1:00a

454.5cal under
109cal eaten

puking blood, a sign from ana

June 21 (partial fail)

have you guys seen that mc donadls commercial where the lady rides her bike to work and she says that the egg mc muffin makes that hard ride up the hill all worth while? haha isnt that a shame? all those calories burned getting there and up that hill, all replace plus more with a ton of calories in that egg mc muffin...ha! like i should talk! im such a fat ass!

3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 5:55p
spaghetti: 310cal 8:00p (purge 8:10p)
pre-made peanut butter jelly sandwich: 200cal 2:00a
2 Triscuits: 40cal 2:00p

340cal under
660cal eaten
310-10%= 279cal purged
381cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 22 (partial fail)

i cant keep up this 2468 diet, i was going to do it for one or two more weeks, but its frustrating me. i feel like im eating too much when i see my cals are going up so high! not to mention its causing me to consume too many calories in one sitting and i hate it! look at my cal intakes! theyre so disgusting! not to mention look at what im eating! ice cream?! ceasar salad from wendy's?! and the other day i ate waaay to much fucking spaghetti! ive reached a plateau and so i thought this would help me because maybe i needed to mix up my caloric intake a bit, get my metabolism going, but i just feel so gross and disgusting i want to cry. i go to the bathroom about a thousand times a day because of all that water, and every time i look in the mirror and im not me. im a disgusting fatty who doesnt have control in the slightest and cant stick to her safe foods! im such an idiot! im going back to my regular. but im changing my cal limit too 500. it makes no sense for me to keep it at 1000 since i never pass it anymore and i cry and get so disgusted with myself if i pass 700. i purged the other day and i know ive been purging too much. i threw up blood :( it scares me when that happens! i dont want to be the girl who died in the bathroom from a ruptured esophagus from puking up the food she ate because she lacks control over what she eats. i want to be able to reap the reward for reaching my goal weight and be able to finally feel beautiful, not die trying to get there. i need to do this the right way. i need to stop being stupid! i need to take that as a warning from ana. she's telling me to take control, stop being a panty wimp and control what i eat! love the feeling of my tummy growling! tell myself that my goal weight and feeling beautiful will be better than the taste of any food could ever be! thank you ana for the sign! i needed it! from now on, im staying under 500! and any non-safe food i eat must be chew/spit!

have you guys heard of the salt water flush?? 2tbsp salt dissolved into 1 litre (~4.2c) of warm water. drink on an empty stomach within a half hour or so, lie on your right side and its supposed to work like a laxative. i want to try it but ive never taken any laxatives or anything so im wondering if this works. i still have to do more research on it.

3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 4:20p
1 serving brown sugar oatmeal: 130cal 6:40p
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 8:00p
Wendy's side ceasar salad: 260cal 10:30p (purge 10:40p)
1 vanilla Drumstick: 290cal 11:40p

150cal under
850cal eaten
260-10%= 234cal purge
616cal net total

my days away from blogger and my new helpful reminder

June 17

1 stalk celery: 6cal 4:45p
1tsp dressing: 16cal 4:45p
1/2 hot dog: 100cal 10:48p
1/2 hot dog bun: 60cal 10:48p
mustard: 0cal 10:48p
1/4c sorbet: 60cal 12:55a
3 Triscuit: 60cal 12:55a
3/4 slice cheese: 15cal 12:55a

683cal under
317cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 18

we were having anniversary sex foreplay and when he went to go make sure the door was locked, he stopped and looked at me while i was laying there and said
"wow, your diaphram bone looks nice."
"diaphram bone??"
"ya your..." he started motioning on his body then switched to drawing it in the air while pointing at me.
"oh...my ribs?"
"ya, the ones on the bottom are really defined...they accentuate your breasts. they look good."
"oh, haha thanks!" casual smile like its no big deal. but really im super happy and jumping up and down on the inside! he noticed and he likes it! :D

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 5:10p
1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 9:15p
chew/spit 1 baked potato w/mozzarella and cinnamon butter 11:00p
chew/spit 1 1/2 baby carrots w/ 1 1/2tsp Alouette brie 11:00p
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 5:00a

916cal under
84cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 19

coincidentally xxx's mom took me with her to kmart and talked to me on the way there and the way home. she told me that everyone is worried about him. she asked me if i knew what she was talking about and i told her i did. she wanted me to say it but i just told her i didnt want to and played it as if i was uncomfortable because of my past, which it partcially is. i didnt know if she knew he sniffed it or not, good thing i didnt say it, she doesnt know. she just knows that he takes more than he should and its hurting him. she told me i need to talk to him. she said she knows, his brother knows and her ex knows but he thinks nobody knows and if i talked to him about it, he'd stop because he doesnt want to lose me...i hope she's right.

on the bright side i drew this on my hand so that i see it when i reach for food thats too high in calories or when i start thinking too much about food. i just told xxx its my favorite number ^__^ the ribbon "tied" around my finger is of course to remember. so the hidden message behind this hand is "remember, 80lbs. is your goal" =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 19 day 1 2468 (partial fail)

early this morning i talked to xxx about his pills. i didnt get to ask him to cut down. i just told him im worried about him and he insists that theres nothing to worry about. later that night he got bad again with his sleepy episode. it comes and goes; in one episode he has brief moments of 15-30min where he seems normal, like my boyfriend again. during an in between moment last night he said he's kinda scared because he doesnt know why he gets like that and he thinks something is wrong with him. he asked me if i think he should see a doctor! he really doesnt know that the vicodin is whats making him act like this. i asked him a little later,
"you really dont know why you get like this??"
"no...do you?"
"ya..."
"what?"
".................its the vicodin."
"no, its not."
"yes it is."
"but ive been doing it for years babe."
"yes i know but the more you add on the more enhanced the problems become."
"no..."
"yes, the sleepiness, the itching, the insomnia, not being able to pee..."
he fell asleep by then. i knew i shouldnt have talked to him yet but i needed to get it out. he doesnt even remember :(

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 4:22p
1/3 spaghetti: 170cal 9:00p
less than 1 slice garlic bread: 18cal 9:oop
binge 2/3 spaghetti 430cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)
4 slices garlic bread: 200cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)

170cal under
830cal eaten
630-10%= 567cal purge
263cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

day 2 2468 June 20 (success!)

he's a little better today, the moments where he's my boyfriend again was most of the day so thats good. he seems to be coming out of it. since i know he'll remember, i had another talk with him and got up the courage to ask him to cut down.

"just half a pill? please?"

"......."

"you dont have to do it fast. you can take a year...or more..if you have to."

"..." small cute smile.

"you dont have to stop, i just want you back to the normal dosage..."

"....."

"half a pill?..."

"....."

"you can even cut down a fourth pill!" cute smile to let him know im not mad and theres nothing to be ashamed about.

"..." small smile and teenie laugh "they dont come in fourth pills babe..."

"haha i know that! but you can cut it...cut down a half pill every month, or every other month, until your back to normal...please? for me?"

"ohhhh..." roll over on the bed facing away from me.

".....how many pills do you take every day?"

"...depends..."

"............on the average?..."

"....."

"10?" i know its at least 7 because i counted 7 in there when i checked and it was gone the very next time i went to the bathroom.

".......its harrrd..."

"love i know its hard, but..."

"uggg..." he rolls over and sits on the edge of the bed.

"i thought you said i could talk to you about this kinda stuff?"

".....i thought i could but i cant..." he gets up and goes to the window and lights a cigarette. "i know you think its the vicodin, but its not. ive been taking it for years, theres no high anymore and ya i get itchy from it sometimes but it doesnt affect my pee or my sleepy or anything else..."

"well then what is it?" i get up and go to him. "i dont see you as my dad, i never have and you dont have to worry about that."

"well you might."

"i wont."

"you dont know that...you might if you knew."

"what do you mean?..."

"......."

"ok, we can stop and talk more later."

he goes to throw his cigarette but in the trash.

"...are you hiding something from me??"

"kinda.....maybe ill write it to you..."

"ok..."

im scared and worried for what it is but he knows what will make me leave and i dont think its much worse than vicodin addiction/overdose. as long as he doesnt hit me, yell at me, throw things at me or near me in anger, cheat on me, drink or do drugs, im fine. i realize vicodin addiction/overdose is, in fact, doing drugs in a legalized manor. but i love him and as long as he can show me that he's trying to help himself with it, ill be ok.

last week he asked me

"if i had bad or severe glaucoma or cancer and they prescribed marrijuna, what would you do?"

"...im sorry love, but id have to say bye..."

"really??"

"yaaa..."

"wowww."

"i told you and you know i have very little tolerence for it."

i still have that drawing on my hand, ive been re-doing it when the shower water/soap makes it come off. it helps alot =)

2 bites chocolate ice cream: 15cal 7:13a
3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 4:50p
1 hot dog: 240cal 9:10p
few pieces of potato with a little cheese: 35cal 11:40p

600cal under
400cal eaten

Because You Must, Because Its Happiness, Because you Have Control

I restrict because I must.
Restrict because I want to be thin.
Restrict because I have control.
I eat 50 because I must.
Binge 400 because I'm weak.
Binge 600 because I have no control.
I purge 300 because I must.
Purge 500 because I'm scared.
Purge 700 because I want to feel beautiful.
Purge 800 because I'm growing by the second.
My eyes see fat.
Creases and folds;
Worms under my skin;
Wiggling and growing.
Oil leaking out of my pores;
My eyes are broken.
They say I'm gorgeous.
Say I'm thin.
Say not to worry.
I cannot see the nonsense they see.
I watch them cook.
Watch the grease bubble and splatter.
Smell the fat hanging in the air.
I watch them eat.
Stuffing their faces;
Calories dripping down their chin.
I feel anxiety;
Fear.
Fear that seeing makes me gain.
Anxiety that smelling coats my esophagus.
My stomach cramps.
My stomach hurts.
It is empty because I am strong;
I'm happy I'm empty.
Happy I am on my way to the ultimate.
My body is weak and shaky.
Vision blurrs and blackens as I stand.
I dont know how to stop.
Do not want to stop.
I dream of being caught.
Dream of being stopped.
Dream of binging.
Dream of purging.
Dream of walking dead.
I eat a cracker to make it through the day.
Drink water to hide growls of the monster inside.
I hide behind my shirts and pants.
Count, multiply and divide.
The numbers that lead to the ultimate goal;
The beauty bones that are so pure;
The concave stomach;
The rib ladders and jutting hips.
I wont stop until I'm there.
Wont ever be full until the 80.
When the scale says bones are most my weight.
When I reach the pure happy thinness of beauty in my broken eyes.
Then,
Then will my eyes be fixed.

this little chirping bird needs to quiet down a bit

i mini binged for dinner...i lost my control streak :( but im not going to let it put me back! im going to be strong about it and just think of tomorrow. my calories arent too high and i suppose its good to mix it up sometimes, thus the ABC and 2468 diets...maybe thats why im kinda in plateau. im always trying to stay under 300 everyday and i thought that would be good cuz i eventually want to go even lower. but i havent seemed to lose very much, im pretty much staying the same. ive also been back into exercising too. i burned 55cals walking, not very much i know but my heat sensitivity and vertigo makes it hard. but i made up for it in indoor exercising, burned 200cals at least. i have a good calculator i found and i put it in the links section =)

im sad to say that i have to slow down on my posts. xxx caught me on my blog and asked what i was looking at.

"its a blog..." "why you blogging??" he thinks blogs are all gossip and weird.

"cuz its fun." innocent smile. and i need people who are like me

"what you writing?"

"about stuff...about you, here...wubs and girper." and how i eat and throw up because i dont want to gain weight, how i want to be 80lbs, how i want to see bones, how i want to feel and see how you see me

"...bad?"

"no, nothing bad." i smile. lie

"what blog is it?"

i open a new tab to show him but i realize it would only go to my dashboard so i close it out.

"its on google." i had a second to re-think and i realized i shouldnt tell him blogspot specifically.

"do people read it?"

"ya." "do they say anything about it?"

"mm hmm, sometimes." ".....aww i feel left out."

i feel bad cuz we tell each other everything and him not knowing what im writing on here probably indicates to him that theres something im not telling him...which...there is, obviously...so i probably wont be posting everyday like i have. it would really mess everything up if im found out. thankfully he'd never take me to a doctor because he thinks shrinks are stupid. he still doesnt understand why i want to go to one. not for my eating habits, hell no! but for help to get rid of, or better deal with my past and the affects it has on me. i try to tell him that the things my father has done to me doesnt just go away, its long lasting. i have cuts in my mind and they need to be stitched so my mind can heal. it hurts me if i get too sad and let it fester in my mind too long because sometimes i dont know how to stop, it makes me depressed. i still have flashbacks at the sight and smell of certain things. i plan to go to a shrink when i have insurance for it.

well, wish me luck huns!

1/2c Green Giant green beans: 20cal 4:40p

1/4 slice cheese: 17.5cal 4:40p

4 cookies: 170cal 7:10p

1 baby carrot: 2cal 8:18p

1c Green Giant green beans: 40 cal 12:00a

1tbsp mozzarella: 20cal 12:00a

binge 4 cookies: 170cal 12:20p

binge 1 mini bag Doritos: 150cal 12:20p

410.5cal under

589.5cal eaten

320cal binge

what should i do? .....i dont know...

i innocently climbed up onto the counter so i could get a better view of my thighs in the mirror :P i just wanted to see if ive made any progress with them since ive never checked. happy to say i have a teenie tiny gap now :) but while i was up there i found my boyfriends pill crusher with 7 pills in the compartment and a pen modified for sniffing...i always knew he sniffed his pills...but...why is he hiding it? i mean...i know he'd probably hide it because of my flashbacks that i get about my dad. he's an alcoholic/drug addict. i dont really talk about him but he's caused me alot of pain and seeing things like this, random pills on the floor, beer, yelling and whatnot, they all give me flash backs and he knows that...i dunno maybe im just freaking out because of my past experience with my dad? anyway i did some sneaky research :/ i looked up the number on the pills: vicodin. i looked up the side effects for addiction starting usage as pain killer from surgery: "unable to urinate, puking. no sex drive." "itching, severe insomnia and anxiety. loss of memory after." everything checks out except that he doesnt throw up and his sex drive is ok i gess i dont know. he's the only guy ive ever fucked...he always says he doesnt do as much with me sexually as he would like to because he's getting "older" but he's only 34 so is that an excuse for low sex drive?? he also cant cum alot of times. he says its always been that way and that its there but sometimes he just cant...or does that mean im just not good enough?? :( am i too fat and ugly for him to be aroused enough to cum? he does it himself sometimes cuz we like to watch each other and sometimes he still cant even if he's doing it. maybe its because i am ugly. i mean, its me he's looking at so...ok, i went sooo off topic. this whole thing just has my mind going nuts! i shouldnt have got up on that fucking counter.

he goes through these times (a day or 2) where he'll get super sleepy, drowsy looking, eyes half open and slurred speech like he's stoned and he does the weirdest shit during the nights. like once he cleaned up the dogs vomit with cardboard but he threw it in the toilet. cardboard and all. and he dreams things while he's up and walking around. like he'll ask me why the frogs are dead when we have none or he'll make absolutely no sense at all saying stuff like "there are holes and chairs in the light" or whatever, like he's high and hallucinating. but when he's back to normal he doesnt remember anything, he can lose about 3 days sometimes. and just last night he went downstairs and didnt come back for 2hrs. i got lost in the movie i was watching and didnt notice. after the movie i went down there and he was sleeping draped over the couch and it looked like he was dead. id've freaked out if he wasnt snoring. when i woke him up he started coughing and gagging and spit out a bunch of tiny white beads and this yellow and green plastic looking thing. he said he had the worst taste in his mouth. i noticed the pill container on the table and checked inside. it was his moms ani-depressant pills. he didnt remember taking it and didnt understand why it was in his mouth, much less stuck in the back of his throat, and why he didnt swallow if he evedently intended to take it. im glad he didnt swallow it! it was his moms pills! i told him im watching him from now on! he could have choked and i wouldnt have even known! ive always passed it off as he's just over tired from his insomnia because he sometimes goes 3 days without sleep. i know for a fact he doesnt get high...i mean...he could while im sleeping but i dont smell it and im up at the times he becomes this way. he always says he doesnt know why he gets like that and ive told him to tell his doctor but he just tells me, "what am i gonna tell him? i get sleepy for no reason and do stupid shit and have to be babysat?" so i counted his pills and im going to keep track of them, how long he spends in the bathroom and if its related to his sleepy hallucinating episodes. i want him to be honest with me. ive known he crushes them, sniffs them, and that he's addicted to them. but i want to know if its the reason for these episodes and if he's lying to me telling me he doesnt know why he gets this way. he's never lied to me but im wondering if he's lying about this because he doesnt want me to want him to stop taking them...i dont know...what should i do? should i talk to him? or just let it go? am i thinking too much about this because of my past?...i dont know..but it hurts to think that he may be lying to me. he's the only person ive ever trusted so well and has never lied to me...am i blowing this up, being too dramatic?.......

our 2yr anni is coming up! =)

the one food situation i havent yet found any way out of if my "im not hungry-i dont want any" doesnt work, is when me and xxx have fast food for lunch and the place has no salad. it was just me and him today. he had a job interview and i tagged along. bad move. we stopped by popeyes after the interview and i scoured the menu, no salad that i could see fast enough :P sooo i ate. drank in between and ate. he forgot the laptop was in the car so while went to get it, i put one chicken tender in my napkin and threw it away along with a bite size piece of another to make it look like i started on my 2nd. he came back while i was on my last bite. haha i pulled the classic/stupid "whats that??" without even knowing what "what" was. i just let him figure that out :P and while he looked behind him i spit it out in my napkin and put it in the box. and like i planned, he figured something out and said
"what? the table with the football table cloth?"
"ya, what is that??"
"a taaable cloth..." confused look.
"oh...no i mean whats it for?"
"oh i dunno, beats me."

"phew, im full! looks like my eating alot phase ended, my stomach is back to being small."

"not for long."

"haha."
that would work because my stomach always was weird. sometimes i could eat alot and id purge after, sometimes i just wasnt hungry all day and just wouldnt eat and i had times when id get nauseous when breakfast/lunch/dinner time rolls around so id have to eat at off times and even then i couldnt eat very much. my eating habbits never were "normal". it only got "normal" when i had to watch myself about my eating and was forced to eat like everyone else.

i dont feel tooo guilty for eating it because i didnt eat more than i should have and i purged it at the office we went to for his other job application that they sent him to. my stomach definately wasnt happy though. it felt pretty uncomfortable after eating that chicken tender i dont know why :P that usually only happens if i havent eaten or purged every meal for a long period of time. dinner was wendys so i went with a side chicken ceasar and didnt use the dressing.

im so happy! friday is our 2yr anniversary ^__^ he said he wants to take me on a date if he has money! we havent been on a date yet. ive never been on a date at all with anybody except that mini date he took me on a couple weeks ago to make up for the flat tire canceling our supposed-to-be first date. me and xxx met online in '08 and we connected, got close, fell in love and i moved out here to meet him and be with him. so really we've only been phisically together since november of last year. he's my first boyfriend so thats why it will be my first date. im so excited! we havent decided what we'll do or if he can take me on one but im excited! too bad itll probably be a little stressfull because itll probably involve food -__- and the reason he may not have money for it is that he doesnt have a job right now. he just recently was given permission from his Dr to work again. during his last job he tore the tendon in his shoulder and had surgery and spent quite a while in recovery/physical therapy.

also, my friend might come over for a couple days =) i havent seen her in a while and i dont have any friends here so itll be nice. she live about 2hrs from me so thats why we dont hang out. xxx brought it up and told me to ask her. he knows im feeling a little sad and off lately, he's so sweet ^__^ i was thinking she could come over this weekend but im going to move it to next weekend since our anni is on friday. i kinda want it to ourselves now that we finally have eachother =)

1 Popeyes chicken tender: 125cal 4:10p (purge 4:17p)

2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 8:05p

1 Wendy's chicken ceasar salad: 260cal 11:00p (purge 11:20p)

555cal under

445cal eaten

255-10%= 229.5cal purged

215.5cal net total

f/v day success! and a romantic happy ending ^__^

i made it! i stayed strong, kept control and ate fruits and veggies today =) tonights dinner was spaghetti. he asked if wanted some and i said no. he asked why and i confidently said "cuz i dont want spaghetti. ill just make a sandwich later." and smiled. but i never made the sandwich ^__^ instead i had a few baby carrots and a stalk of celery. okay so i didnt have to eat so much, i shouldve went either/or and my cal numbers arent very different from any other day but ill get better. im still pretty proud of myself! ^__^ i didnt eat not one greasy piece of meat or one tiny nibble of sugar. wooo, im psyched for tomorrow! im feeling a little more confident because i made it through the day, so here is the current me :P i still have a loong way to go and i feel self conscious about that second one so please dont tease or judge. and i had to block out my camera on that one :P i have stickers and stuff on there that can screw me. id rather not be found by accident somehow...im happy about today! im going to stick to it! im especially happy that i can see my ribs and spine a tiny bit now! and my collar bone is much better than it was! :D i noticed while i was trying to get a good pic of me. i cant wait till my ribs and spine become more prominent! alice in thinland here i come!! =)

and to top it all off with a cherry (not whipped cream!), today had a wonderful faerie tail-ish ending to make me even happier! we had an awesome thunderstorm! the sky was so beautiful! boyfriend called me and his mom to watch at the door. we decided to go outside and watch because there was so much lightning. i took some videos and got some lightning streaks. it started to rain so his mom went in and i put the camera away so it wouldnt get wet. me and my boyfriend stood in the rain for a while just holding each other, watching and appreciating the beauty of nature. and to make it even more wonderful he gave me my first kiss in the rain while lighting flashed above us. :D oh im so happy today! i got my first rain kiss with the bonus of electric lighting up the sky, and rain washing me clean; making me a new girl who is in control of what she eats! im not going to give up this feeling! i want it forever. i always want to be in control and stay strong against food. i hope i can keep this going and ill try my fucking hardest!

1 banana: 105cal 5:10p
6 1/2 baby carrots: 13cal 10:55p
1 stalk celery: 6cal 10:55p
1tsp brie: 45cal 10:55p

831cal under
169cal eaten

another cookie update...last one until the night is over, i promise XD

what is it with these dam cookies?! we went to the pharmacy in the remke's grocery store and a lady is by the door giving out mini chocolate chip and keebler fudge cookies! xxx takes one and looks at me waiting for me to take one as well. sooo i take one (37.5cal). he eats his as we walk to the pharmacy and i just hold onto mine, mouth watering and follwing him. but while he waits i say im going to go walk around. as soon as im out of sight, i stuff it on a shelf behind the shaving stuff. HA! i feel so invincable haha its funny but its a good feeling to conquer what most people cant. im remaining in control and keeping my strength today and nothings gonna stop me. not even dinner!

cookie haunting O.o

oooh i think those dam cookies are haunting me! O.o i went downstairs to feed the dogs and when i come back up, what do i see under the chair? that shinny blue container filled with sugary royal goodness...i lift the lid and pick one up. my tummy is telling me no and my mind tells me to put it back. i think for a second, trying to switch my setting back to "think thin".......dont worry, i switched it =) i put it back, i closed the lid and kept my strength. the tin is filled with "royal" goodness, that is precisely why kings are fat.

haha ya, that king in particular just has on fake fat belly for the stage, but it still works to prove my point haha.

a much needed pep talk...teeter tottering over failure

i keep smelling things like spaghetti, pizza, cookies, pasta and its so fucking annoying! sometimes i feel like i can taste it O.o i dont understany why. theres nothing even cooking or baking. its been happening for months and i never thought anything about it but now its happening everyday and it sets off my binge brain O.O but im staying strong. i will not lose to food today. i almost binged a whole can of cookies last night.

i told xxx "i really wanna eat those cookies on the fridge downsatirs."

he said "well go ahead, why dont you?"

"cuz theyre not opened, i dunno whose they are."

a few minuets later he goes downsatirs and i was hoping that he'd bring them up as a thoughtful boyfriend thing like he usually does, but lucky me, he didnt, phew. i almost ruined my control streak...theres like 3 of them, unopened, those royal dutch or whatever ones in the blue can, uggg. i have to stay in control! stop smelling, stop thinking. i did so well yesterday and the day before i dont want to let it go now! just one day, i can do it, fruits...and veggies, fruits and veggies, fruits, veggies, fruits, veggies, fruitsveggiescookiesfruitsveggiesfruitsveggies, i can do it. i will do it! there is no failure today because i am strong and in control and i will be alice in thinland! i will look like the girls in my alice corner! i will be thin and happy! i will reach 80, i will!

f/v day and im gonna pierce my lip

today, im going to try at least, is a strictly fruits and veggies day. no hot dogs, no hamburgers, no ramen, no letting unplanned dinner ruin it. just fruits and veggies. me and my ana buddy/friend decided on it to ease into fasts =) wish me luck! if i do good today ill post a current pic of me in my end of the day post :P

i wanna pierce my lip! just one, bottom left like this girl here =) if you can see it, its kinda hard to see. ive been debating it for a while now because i was wondering how noticeable the hole will be at times that i decide to have my lip ring out. see, i want to live in japan someday and i know that piercings (beside ear piercing) is not exactly common yet. i know that your not allowed in the public baths or onsen if you have a tattoo larger than a quarter, so im kinda worried about how they view piercings. i would be upset if i was denied onsen/public bath privileges because i pierced my lip :P bad enough my piko is pierced and that'll be way noticeable -__- but i think thats more acceptable...i dont know. but i decided, what the hell, japan is a far away future goal right now, seeing as how its so expensive, so i want my lip pierced! ^__^

sexual calories? O.o

so i decided to suck dick last night and after we were done i realized "hey...i just swallowed something which means calories...right??" so i looked it up and the adverage cum amount has between 5-7cal. haha i had no idea! i never even thought about it. so i gess, add 7cal to my 186 last night XD im so weird!

its a pretty small post this time but i made up for it earlier today ^__^

3 baby carrots: 6cal 3:20p
1/4 hot dog w/bun: 72.5cal 8:40p
1 stalk celery: 6cal 12:15a
1tsp dressing: 16cal 12:15a

899.5cal under
100.5cal eaten

staying strong and in control today ^__^

im glad the sandman showed up early last night. i go to bed late anyway but 7am is too late! this morning i woke up without the body aches so that was good. i ate 3 carrots and we left to the grocery store. i got berry-cherry vitamin water =) i keep forgetting i need spinach and broccoli :P but i still have all those carrots and celery so im good for a while. when we got back i went to get my vitamin water and saw all the chocolate on the shelf behind it. i almost, almost ate a kit kat O.o i was sooo close, i had it in my hands, had the tab ready to pull, but! i said out loud, "im stronger than this. i did it yesterday, i can do it now. i had control yesterday, im not about to give it up so soon." i thought no one offered it, no one's watching, so why eat it? i dont need it. if im hungry i have carrots. i put it back quickly and grabbed my vitamin water :D i need vitamins and i hate taking pills so this is my iffy alternative. im thinking i should start wearing makeup. i noticed last night that i looked a little pale O.o xxx's mom already told me once that i need more food cuz i look sick...i cant have people starting to wonder or question again.

well im glad that tonight i know what dinner is beforehand so i can plan for it. its hot dogs-__- 1 hot dog: 180cal, 1 bun: 110cal =290cal. ok, i can do it, ill make sure the dogs are up stairs (not hot dogs haha...dry joke...) and feed them half, 1/4 each. ill have eaten 145cal. i thought about saying i dont like it after eating one bite but i cant do that twice. after all, this time he bought regular hot dogs, apposed to the gross sausage-ish hot dog, because i told him i didnt like the other ones :P i avoided one dinner while walking into a trap for another hehe niiice. why is food avoidance so hard?

someting to know about drinking water =)

hot water - detox
room temperature - quiet stomach growling/control appetite
cold water - burn calories
20oz (1 water bottle) cold water burns 19.4cal
8 bottles cold water burns 152.1cal

ive been a good girl! :D todays a sorbet day!

YAY! i was a good girl today :D i stayed in control and didnt let anything get to me. i started my day with honeydew melon and nothing until the party. we had a party to go to at xxx's brother's house for the ufc fights. (they have ufc parties/gatherings like how people go to their friends house and watch football.) when we got there, his brother had food on a table, fruit, desserts, chips and whatnot, and he had the grill going. i just barely got out of the car and already i was bombarded with having to think about food :P his brother asked,
"what'd you want?"
"what'd you got?"
"we got cheesy dogs, hot dogs, ribs, hamburgers, cheese burgers, what?"
i thought a bunch of things in a few seconds,
uh, whats the best choice? can i say im not hungry? no, that'd be rude and antisocial-ish and i might embarrass xxx. ok, what should i choose? hot dog...no hamburger, less grease.
"um, hamburger."
"cheese? ketchup? mustard? mayo? pickles? how you wanna do this? alright, you wanna just take care, uh, get it on your own?" (he was in overdrive hype mode as you can tell.)
"ya. thats good."
"ok, how you want it? thick or thin?"
"thin."
"alright."
xxx had to cook it cuz his brother ended up having to take care of the kids. he asked if i wanted barbecue sauce and i stayed strong and said no. after i got my hamburger, we went to the food table so he could get his ketchup and stuf and i needed a knife. i cut it into 4. he was surprised that i didnt want anything on it, now that i think of it mustard is calorie free, i should have put some for taste, but it tasted fine plain. i grabbed 2 doritos :P and told myself bad! bad! bad! hehe...but i still ate it :P i only finished a fourth of the hamburger and the 2 doritos, that was enough to fill me so i didnt need or want anything else.
we hung out the rest of the time. it was kinda boring but not horrible. i felt so self conscious when we first got there cuz i hate meeting and being around so many new people. i sometimes get that panicky feeling like i want to run away and hide, im such a dork :P watched the ufc fights about 45min after we ate. i dont really care much for watching ufc. there were so many spiders! twice one almost crawled on my foot while we were watching! O.o
a storm started coming in and xxx had to go help someone get their car tire out of a muddy hole so they could leave. i waited in the garage where all the food was. i know, it was a bad move to be left alone with food but i wanted to test myself and i passed! :D yay! now lets keep this control and not let it go!
there were so many people, kids, smells, bugs, and spiders. as soon as we got home i took a shower! i felt so gross i needed to get to stench of smoke and food and hot dogs and hamburgers, and the dirtiness from the kids, the carpet, the people, the chairs and the gross crawling feeling of bugs and spiders off me! i feel so much better now! except that my throat is sooo swollen! it hurts bad! im glad i kept control today cuz theres no way i could purge and i need that sorbet!

1c honeydew melon: 60cal 4:00p
1/4 plain hamburger: 71cal 8:30p
2 Doritos: 25cal 8:30p
1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 3:20a

814cal under
186cal eaten

sandman glitter dirt finally worked at 7am...

4am, he flaps his wings and lands on the windowsill with his bag of glittering shit,
takes a long stare at me sitting in my green lawn chair in the bedroom.
my hairs all tangled, my eyes are red and baggy, and i wince everytime i swallow.
"geez...what? you get hit by a train? and is that a lawn chair?.....in a bedroom?..you do know this is a bed-room..right?"
i blink slowly "shut up, its your fault i look like shit, your fucking late!"
he shakes his head as he sticks his hand in the burlap bag.
"sorry, business ran overtime. all you insomniacs, huy...some of you take 5 rounds a this sparkle crap!"
he throws it in my face and its stings my eyes and makes me cough.
"what the fuck are you doing?! dont just toss it in my face, idiot!"
"well if you were a normal sleeper i wouldnt have to do it so rough, stop complaining, i gave it to you didnt i?"
he gets ready to go.
"wait, stay in case it doesnt work..."
"i got other fat asses to work on. if it dont work, ill be back tomorrow night."
so far, nothing, just the same old yawning that ive had since 2am.
"ok, ok, but gimme one more before you go!"
i get in bead next to my sound asleep boyfriend and wait for more.
he burns my eyes with another dose of glitter crap and leaves.
4:15am, .........nothing yet.....
4:17am, i grab my book and read while i wait...nothing...
6:30am, i put the book back and switch it out for my ipod, "Kiss Me" and "If Only We Could Sleep Tonight" by The Cure...oh! i feel a little sleepy...
7am, finally zzzZZZ...

this insomnia thing is really not good. i wake up so tired and i have body aches. not to mention my throat hurts so bad today from purging last night :( i just couldnt let that binge mistake follow through and land its ugly blubbery fat into my thighs and stomach! im going to stay clear of food all day today beside sorbet or ice pops for my throat and when i have to eat dinner with xxx.